FADE IN:

INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT

A montage of LOVING PEOPLE greeting each other LOVINGLY at the airport plays under a monologue about LOVE.

HUGH GRANT (V.O.)

Hi folks, Richard Curtis here. Yes I know, I’m using my favourite mouthpiece Hugh Grant to say this, but make no mistake this diatribe is just straight-up Richard Curtis talking to you directly. Finally I don’t have to be filtered through an actual professional director who knows what they’re doing. I’M in charge this time, so I’m seizing this opportunity with both hands to deliver my MANIFESTO.

(cracks knuckles)

So here it is. You know how in my breakout success they had that cheesy cover of “Love Is All Around”? Well to me that’s not just a generic sentimental song hook, that’s my whole worldview in its entirety. I think that love is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING and that EVERY HUMAN ENDEAVOUR IN HISTORY has been motivated by LOVE LOVE LOVELY LOVE, that love ACTUALLY IS ALL AROUND. In fact I honest-to-God originally named this movie “Love Actually Is All Around”, but the studio shortened it to just “Love Actually” because they apparently figured it was better for a title to be incomprehensible than gag-inducingly saccharine.

(exhales)

So yeah, I think you’ve been fairly warned. If you’re allergic to schmaltz, get out while you still can.

INT. 10 DOWNING STREET - FIRST SUBPLOT

We meet HUGH GRANT, who is now a CHARACTER and not RICHARD CURTIS. But at the same time is still basically RICHARD CURTIS.

HUGH GRANT

That’s right, it’s the usual: the shy, awkward, stammering nice guy.

(pause)

...And the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Sure, that makes sense. Not like British parliament is a nest of vipers and the top job has been filled exclusively by ruthless assholes for centuries or anything.

He meets his new STAFF, including tea lady MARTINE McCUTCHEON. This triggers the UNBEARABLY TWEE CLARINET STING which tells us that LOVE IS HAPPENING. This piece of music is going to be used in this movie ONE THOUSAND TIMES.

HUGH GRANT

Attractive lady incoming! Activate the Richard Curtis version of charm!

(deer-in-headlights look)

Uh, gosh, er, h-hello... sorry, er...

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

Holy crap, you’re wimpy for a world leader. Oh, shit, shouldn’t have said “crap” to the PM. And I definitely shouldn’t have said “shit”, for fuck’s sake! OH COCKSUCKING ARSE.

HUGH GRANT

Oh my. We’ve got some salty dialogue for what’s essentially an overcast Hallmark movie.

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

You also get to see some bare tits later on! That’s just how movies are in the United Motherfucking Kingdom!

INT. CHURCH - SECOND SUBPLOT

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY and CHIWETEL EJIOFOR have just gotten married. Suddenly about half the guests start playing “All You Need Is Love”.

ANDREW LINCOLN

Surprise, this was set up by me, the best man! I found out which of your wedding guests were professional-level musicians, contacted them on the sly, wrote them an arrangement of this song for strings, brass, woodwind, and electric guitar, hired a choir and a solo vocalist, got them to rehearse for a week, made sure everybody all sat together according to instrument section, then managed to sneak allll this shit in without either of you noticing anything!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Aw, what a sweet, and probably fantastically difficult and expensive, gesture to celebrate our getting married! And here I was worried you didn’t even like me.

ANDREW LINCOLN

(cold glower)

Do not insult me by speaking to me, woman.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Okay, getting some mixed messages here.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

So wait, what has this got to do with the whole prime minister storyline?

ANDREW LINCOLN

Oh well see, one of the random guests at this wedding is an employee of the husband of Hugh’s sister.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Ah, so it’s part of that whole fad for movies like Magnolia and Amores Perros where there are like ten plots happening at once and they only barely have anything to do with one another.

ANDREW LINCOLN

Exactly, except the theme isn’t the usual bleak despair, but instead the whole lovey-dovey cotton candy nauseating optimism thing we’ve got going on.

INT. CRAPPY FLAT - THIRD SUBPLOT

Ginger dork KRIS MARSHALL comes rushing out to his roommate ABDUL SILAS.

KRIS MARSHALL

I’ve got it! Abdul, you know how I get routinely rejected by every single woman I ever speak to?

ABDUL SILAS

You mean because you look perpetually hungover and your face is about eighty percent teeth?

KRIS MARSHALL

Right, but I figured out how to negate all that! I just have to go to America! My nasal headcold of an accent will instantly make me irresistible to American women, who are all sexually permissive supermodels! AMERICA!

ABDUL SILAS

Geez. After The Tall Guy starred an American, the love interests in Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill were American, and even the Mr. Bean movie was set in America, I wasn’t sure if Richard Curtis was just trying for wider box office appeal or had an actual fetish going on. I’m thinking we have our answer now. Ew.

EXT. PARK BENCH - FOURTH SUBPLOT

LIAM NEESON is hanging out with THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER, who already has all of his LACONIC CHARM, and is trying very hard to figure out the whole HOW TO ACT thing.

LIAM NEESON

So I’m your stepfather, and your sole legal guardian now that your mother has passed away. Huh, that’s actually an interesting relationship! This movie might have a couple of complex things to say about love after all.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Sure sure, except that we’re only gonna focus on that for about a scene and a half before we pretty much hurl it entirely out the window in favour of me having a crush on some girl I’ve never even spoken to.

LIAM NEESON

(sighs)

Of course.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

An American girl.

LIAM NEESON

Oooof course.

INT. RADIO STATION - FIFTH SUBPLOT

BILL NIGHY is being interviewed on the RADIO.

INTERVIEWER

I’m here with ageing rock star Bill Nighy, who’s come to promote his new single and effortlessly steal the whole movie.

BILL NIGHY

That’s right, I’m currently trying to get the number one single for Christmas, which is apparently a whole thing in the UK, with a Christmas song that demonstrates conclusively that I, Bill Nighy, should never attempt to sing ever again.

INTERVIEWER

Oh so this movie is set at Christmas, is it? I suppose that does add a bunch of bonus feelgood energy that we don’t have to work for.

BILL NIGHY

That, plus it allows us to cover for some of the more bizarre character behaviour in the movie. If ever we need somebody to do something weird or dumb or contrived, they can justify it by saying “Because it’s Christmas. And at Christmas you’re supposed to be brave/tell the truth/some other rule we made up”.

INTERVIEWER

Wow, what an all-purpose convenience!

(puts cat on head)

Because it’s Christmas. And at Christmas you’re supposed to wear housepets as hats. Ha ha, this is fun!

INT. MOVIE SHOOT - SIXTH SUBPLOT

MARTIN FREEMAN and JOANNA PAGE are naked on a MOVIE SET.

JOANNA PAGE

We’re professional naked body doubles!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Yes, including me. Martin Freeman. I take my clothes off and show off my naked body for a living. Martin Freeman, who has the physique of a tube of toothpaste. We’re claiming I doubled for Brad Pitt once. I whose torso bears an uncanny resemblance to an unbaked baguette.

JOANNA PAGE

Anyway, here is our one joke: we’re going to be extremely shy and British in our burgeoning romance, despite the fact that we’re constantly grinding our naked bodies against each other and shoving our genitals in each other’s faces and whatnot.

MARTIN FREEMAN

That is our one joke! Enjoy!

INT. OFFICE - SEVENTH AND EIGHTH SUBPLOTS

LAURA LINNEY (who is AMERICAN) is called into a meeting with her boss ALAN RICKMAN.

ALAN RICKMAN

I wanted to touch base vis-a-vis your secret crush on coworker Rodrigo Santoro.

LAURA LINNEY

Er, this doesn’t seem like a very appropriate or professional topic for you to bring up...

ALAN RICKMAN

Anyway, I just thought you’d like to know that what you thought was just a private thing in your own head has actually been common knowledge for years, everybody has always known including Rodrigo, it’s all very humiliating for you really, now I order you to go and tap that.

LAURA LINNEY

This is the most uncomfortable conversation of my entire life.

After she leaves his office, HEIKE MAKATSCH enters to kick off the next subplot.

HEIKE MAKATSCH

Hi, it’s me, your young and sexy assistant. I just thought that I’d start spontaneously and aggressively trying to seduce you. Without you initiating or encouraging anything, I will make repeated, unambiguous sexual overtures, determined to wear you down despite your noblest intentions.

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh, is THAT how middle-aged men wind up cheating on their wives with their secretaries? They get relentlessly harangued into it more or less against their will, is that how we’re portraying this?

HEIKE MAKATSCH

(shrugs)

Maybe they do if they’re Alan Fucking Rickman.

INT. FRENCH COTTAGE - NINTH SUBPLOT

COLIN FIRTH arrives at his HOLIDAY HOUSE, where he meets housekeeper LÚCIA MONIZ.

COLIN FIRTH

I just broke up with my wife after she had an affair with my brother. That has no bearing whatsoever on this storyline and pretty much never comes up again, I don’t even know why it was a thing in the first place.

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in Portuguese)

We don’t speak the same language as each other. This affords us essentially one comedic opportunity, which is that one of us will say a thing, then the other will coincidentally say the same thing. We do that a LOT.

COLIN FIRTH

There’s a language barrier keeping us from communicating with each other. This forms the basis of a single repeated joke, which is that one of us will have a line, then the other will happen to have the same line. This happens CONSTANTLY.

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in Portuguese)

Alternately, sometimes the repeated line will have one key humorous difference in it!

COLIN FIRTH

Meanwhile, sometimes the second version of the line will be altered in an amusing fashion, purple monkey dishwasher!

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in Portuguese)

THAT IS OUR ONE JOKE! ENJOY!

INT. 10 DOWNING STREET

HUGH is getting ready to do POLITICS.

HUGH GRANT

So as the new PM, I should start meeting other world leaders and going over foreign policy with them. Maybe today I could meet with the president of Russia or the prime minister of Japan or-

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

Do you remember whose movie you’re in?

HUGH GRANT

President of the United States it is, then! All right, let’s go meet Bill-

(coughs)

-nton. Sorry, frog in my throat! As I was saying, it’s time for me to meet that superficially charming yet unmistakably slimy and probably corrupt horndog southerner, President Bill

(coughs again)

-nton!

He meets with US PRESIDENT BILLY BOB THORNTON.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

All right, let’s hash out the agreement between our two great nations. With the previous administration the arrangement was that we got to take whatever we want and generally fuck you guys in the ass. So I figure, if it ain’t broke?

HUGH GRANT

Er, well, I suppose, sure.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

Excellent! The first thing I think I’ll take is... MARTINE!

(molests Martine)

HUGH GRANT

WHY YOU - OOOHH!!!

(goes out to press)

HEY EVERYBODY I JUST DECIDED THAT AMERICA IS DUMB AND THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT IS A BIG POOPYHEAD AND WHO NEEDS THAT STUPID GLOBAL SUPERPOWER ANYWAY SO THERE.

THE PRESS

Wow, we’re so impressed that you’re actually standing up to America! Here we thought you were a wimp, but it turns out you’ve got the balls to fight for our nation after all!

HUGH GRANT

Er, yes. That’s totally what I was doing. Definitely wasn’t causing an international incident because I was sore that a guy was putting the moves on a girl I like, that’s for sure. Nope, I’m a hero.

THE PRESS

You sure are! After all, publicly humiliating the President of the United States can only have positive repercussions for us!

After this, HUGH goes and asks a FLUNKY to transfer MARTINE somewhere where she can’t be a source of DRAMA.

FLUNKY

You got it. Although you are aware that being essentially booted without explanation right at this point of time could make her think you’re punishing her for being sexually assaulted.

HUGH GRANT

It could, and in fact it does! But somehow that doesn’t negatively impact her feelings towards me, so it’s not a problem.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE

ALAN is out shopping with his wife EMMA THOMPSON when he spots a NECKLACE.

ALAN RICKMAN

Hey, that might help me get me laid with Heike! I should come back here later when I’m not with my wife.

(catches Stupid Disease)

OR I SHOULD PURCHASE IT NOW WHILE SHE’S STEPPED AWAY FROM ME FOR LITERALLY SECONDS SURE OKAY

ROWAN ATKINSON

(y’know, because Curtis had to squeeze him in somewhere)

Should I giftwrap it?

ALAN RICKMAN

Of course not, I don’t have time for that, I can do it myself later.

(symptoms get worse)

WHY YES GO AHEAD

ROWAN ATKINSON

Very well! And somehow when this process takes more than forty seconds, the joke is going to be that I’M the unreasonable one.

INT. ANDREW’S HOUSE

KEIRA suddenly pops in at ANDREW’S PLACE.

ANDREW LINCOLN

The she-beast! Why dost thou darken my doorstep?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

As I said on the phone earlier, all existing footage of the wedding self-destructed like a Mission: Impossible briefing. I noticed at the wedding that every time I turned around you had a camera pointed right at me, so can I see what you have?

(grabs video)

Why here it is! I’ll just sit down and watch it right now despite your protests, ta!

ANDREW LINCOLN

Ah shit, she called me about this days ago. I’ve had plenty of time to send her an edited highlight reel so she wouldn’t see the whole incriminating thing, or destroy the tape, or even just hide it in a drawer. I suck.

KEIRA watches the TAPE only to find that it consists entirely of OBSESSIVE CLOSEUPS OF HER FACE.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

...Okay well THAT was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.

ANDREW LINCOLN

In my defense... uuhhhmm... nope, nothing I can say right now to salvage this situation.

(dives out window)

INT. LIAM AND THOMAS’S HOUSE

THOMAS bursts in, in a panic.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Disaster! That vague offscreen girl I like is going to be moving back to America on Christmas Eve!

LIAM NEESON

Who the hell moves on Christmas Eve?

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

People who need the timing of movie climaxes to line up. How do I win her before she leaves?

LIAM NEESON

You could try introducing yourself, that might be a start. Or you could be the slightest bit realistic and realise that long-distance relationships are hard enough for grown-ass adults with attention spans, so what you’re proposing is completely hopeless.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Oh, I know! She’ll be singing in front of the school on Christmas Eve! Like an hour before she’s due to move out of the country, which is completely plausible! I should learn to play the drums so I can be part of the band.

LIAM NEESON

Kid, we’ve already passed the “two weeks until Christmas” title card. If we assume they need at least a week of rehearsals, that means you’ll have to learn the drums well enough to win the audition in… what, two days?

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

I think what we’re discovering is that this movie doesn’t know how calendars work.

INT. FRENCH COTTAGE

COLIN and LÚCIA are now IN LOVE.

COLIN FIRTH

Yes, I love you, even though we’ve still never had a conversation where actual information was communicated! I don’t know your likes and dislikes, anything about your family, a single anecdote from your entire life, or whether you’re nice, or smart, or funny, or anything at all. Yet I love you, for whatever definition of love I could possibly be satisfying!

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in Portuguese)

Me too! You could literally have just told me that you think the Ku Klux Klan gets a bad rap as far as I know, but you have a nice face and make lots of lovey-dovey eye contact, and that’s good enough for me!

Eventually the holiday ENDS and they go back to their respective HOME COUNTRIES.

INT. OFFICE

LAURA is working late when her crush RODRIGO SANTORO comes to HIT ON HER.

LAURA LINNEY

So, wait, it’s been established that you’ve known about my crush for literally years, but only now, right after Alan’s little heart-to-heart, are you doing anything about it? I can only assume he had an equally unprofessional conversation with you too, then.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Yeah, it was horrible, the man’s an HR nightmare. But I do agree with him that we should bang, so shall we?

LAURA LINNEY

Don’t mind if I do!

They go on a DATE, then go back to LAURA’S PLACE. But right when they’re halfway through TEARING THEIR CLOTHES OFF, the PHONE RINGS and LAURA HURRIEDLY ANSWERS IT.

LAURA LINNEY

Why hello, my brother who has acute paranoid schizophrenia! Yes, I DO think Jon Bon Jovi would be good at performing exorcisms. Yes, that IS an actual thing we discuss in this phone call in the actual movie. Yes, I DO think that Richard Curtis has a very loose understanding of how mental illness works. Okay, bye now!

(hangs up)

Sorry about that. Even though he’s in an institution where he has access to round-the-clock psychiatric care, I never dare miss one of his random out-of-the-blue gibberish phone calls. I will, at all times, derail absolutely anything that’s going on in my own life to make sure he can unload his meaningless bullshit on me.

RODRIGO SANTORO

That sounds really unhealthy for both of you. Can you even have a romantica relationship under those circumstances?

LAURA LINNEY

Actually no. I give up, presumably forever, on finding a life partner.

(pause)

…Huh, that’s really depressing actually. How are they gonna find a resolution to this plotline that fits in with the rest of the sunny cheesefest that is this movie?

(written out of remainder of movie)

Well. That’s one way to go.

INT. WISCONSIN AIRPORT

KRIS arrives in AMERICA.

KRIS MARSHALL

And so begins my stupid half-baked plan! It will undoubtedly be quite amusing to see what an utter fool I’m about to make of myself.

(approaches three beautiful women)

Hi, I’m-

ELISHA CUTHBERT

OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO HOT AND HANDSOME YOU REJECTED WEASLEY SIBLING YOU!!

KRIS MARSHALL

Okay… I’m Kris, and-

JANUARY JONES

HOLY FUCK WHAT A STUD, I LUST AFTER YOUR MISSHAPEN SCARECROW BODY!!

KRIS MARSHALL

……Woozle wuzzle?

IVANA MILICEVIC

YOU ARE SEX INCARNATE, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR GOOFY-ASS BUG-EYED BABIES!!

KRIS MARSHALL

All right, all right, I think I see where this is going. Clearly I’m going to fall for this, follow you back to your place expecting to have the orgy of my wildest fantasies, only to be robbed or otherwise humiliated, right?

He follows them back to their place, then has THE ORGY OF HIS WILDEST FANTASIES.

KRIS MARSHALL

Oh! Never mind then, I guess Curtis just wanted to jam a little Penthouse letter into this thing.

INT. RICKMAN RESIDENCE

It is CHRISTMAS EVE. EMMA is allowed to open one of her PRESENTS.

EMMA THOMPSON

Ooh, ooh, I choose this one! It’s clearly the pretty necklace I found in Alan’s coat pocket the other day!

(opens present)

Gasp! It’s just a CD the exact size and shape of the necklace box! It’s a classic sitcom-style coincidental misunderstanding, except used for tragedy!

She corners ALAN where the KIDS can’t hear.

EMMA THOMPSON

You jerk! I’m not even gonna ask whether you just gave the necklace to Heike, or cashed it in for the implied blowjob-

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh, phew! Because let’s face it, it was probably the latter.

EMMA THOMPSON

The point is, you betrayed my trust! I’ll carry on for the kids’ sake, but our marriage is permanently worse now; you’ve broken something that can’t ever be fixed, and I can never love you the same way again.

ALAN RICKMAN

Okay, how the fuck does THIS fit in with Curtis’s Love Manifesto? How come characters like me and Emma and Laura get screwed, while Kris gets to nail the entire population of Fantasyland, Wisconsin? This is bullshit!

INT. GREGOR FISHER’S FLAT

BILL shows up at the door of his manager, GREGOR FISHER.

BILL NIGHY

Well, I did it! By promising to humiliate myself and outright begging people to take pity on my washed-up old ass, I got my terrible song to be the number one song for Christmas. But while I could be celebrating with celebrities and attractive people, I choose to spend time with you, my oldest and closest friend. It’s all very heartfelt and genuine and honestly there’s not much to make fun of here.

GREGOR FISHER

No, aside from a single kinda-cringey gay joke this is the best scene in the movie and doesn’t lend itself to jokes. Wanna just skip to the next scene? It’s a fucking goldmine.

BILL NIGHY

Oh, it’s THAT one, isn’t it? Brilliant!

(grabs popcorn)

EXT. KEIRA AND CHIWETEL’S DOORWAY.

ANDREW shows up at KEIRA and CHIWETEL’S PLACE. CHIWETEL answers the door.

ANDREW LINCOLN

Oh! Er…

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Well this is a surprise. What are the boombox and the giant placards for?

ANDREW LINCOLN

NOTHING NEVER MIND I HAVE TO GO.

(leaves)

Okay, obviously that didn’t happen, but you have to admit, there was a fifty-fifty chance that it could have. No, in actuality KEIRA answers the door, and ANDREW presses play on a BOOMBOX and holds up the first of a big stack of PLACARDS.

ANDREW LINCOLN

(on placard)

SAY IT’S CAROLLERS

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

What are you doing? You’re freaking me out, fuck off.

(closes door)

I know, I know, that didn’t happen either, but really the chances were even better than fifty-fifty on that. Anyway:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

It’s carol singers!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Really? Because it sounds like a solo vocalist accompanied by a piano.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Okay then it’s a single carol singer with a piano, now let me stand here for several minutes listening to this Christmas carol completely by myself okay?

ANDREW LINCOLN

(on placard)

Sooo yeah

(flips card)

I guess we have a bit of an elephant in the room

(flips card)

We should probably just discuss this like rational adults

(flips card)

But as we’ve seen clearly that is not my forte

(flips card)

And something like a text or a letter or an email can go astray

(flips card)

So I’ve cobbled together this ramshackle solution

(flips card)

In order to acknowledge that yes I have developed an inconvenient and kinda obsessive crush on you

(flips card)

But it’s fine

(flips card)

I’ll get over it

(flips card)

All I want to do is clear the air then never speak of this again and just be friends

(flips card)

Given the story so far this moment is actually kinda poignant and sweet

(flips card)

But let’s not kid ourselves

(flips card)

This is still at heart a FUCKING WEIRD thing to do

(flips card)

Seriously who does something like this

(flips card)

People who see this scene without having watched the whole movie will find it SO CREEPY

(flips card)

Or even people who remember the scene later on without remembering all the context

(flips card)

There are going to be entire novels worth of discourse about how toxic this entire subplot is

(flips card)

So just a heads up on that

She gives him a CONSOLATION KISS, he DEPARTS, and probably things are a little bit weird between them for the rest of their lives.

INT. PORTUGUESE RESTAURANT

COLIN shows up at the restaurant where LÚCIA works.

COLIN FIRTH

(in “Portuguese”)

Hello to Lúcia! I am learn tiny part of Portuguese so can relationship actually be.

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in “English”)

I have also same idea! We really do think same way in all thing all time, huh? Kinds of weird if you think! So shall we now to have date? Or even just conversation for first time?

COLIN FIRTH

(in “Portuguese”)

No! Am proposal you marriage! Skip all steps, straight to marriage go, like fucking Disney character!

LÚCIA MONIZ

(in “English”)

Is wonderful idea! Especially as your first marriage only end six weeks ago! Probably not even divorced yet! I marriage you yes!

Everybody CHEERS, even the people who were established as having NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON.

INT. 10 DOWNING STREET

HUGH is pouting.

HUGH GRANT

Sigh, I wish I could have made it work with Martine. Perhaps there’s still some organic, believable, character-driven way we can be together. One that doesn’t rely on shameless contrivance and coincidence. Oh well, time to read some random Christmas cards grabbed from all the ones sent to me by anybody in the entire kingdom…

(opens card)

“Dear sir, just so you know I totally wanted to bone you the entire time and still do, love Martine.”

(pause)

I’ll take it! All the extremely real and serious reasons for not pursuing her romantically have magically disappeared!

(jumps into government vehicle)

We must find Martine McCutcheon! Unfortunately I only know her street, not her exact address.

DRIVER

You’re the national leader and she’s a former employee. I think you can find out her address.

HUGH GRANT

You’re right. By KNOCKING ON EVERY SINGLE DOOR IN HER STREET ONE AT A TIME!

He DOES THIS. Eventually he finds the right house.

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

But rats, I was heading out to a school nativity play. I can’t miss that for something as petty as the prime minister bursting into my house and declaring his love for me.

So he ACCOMPANIES HER to the SCHOOL PLAY. They start MAKING OUT BEHIND THE SCENES, but then the CURTAINS ARE RAISED and EVERYBODY SEES THEM.

HUGH GRANT

Uh. I don’t suppose you know what happens to a prime minister if he’s caught having secret sexytimes with an underling at a primary school?

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

One hundred percent there would be a massive scandal, his approval ratings would drop like a stone and he’d stand no chance at reelection, and she would become a national joke forever, and basically both of their lives would be ruined.

HUGH GRANT

I see. What about instead… “And they all lived happily ever after”?

MARTINE MCCUTCHEON

In this movie? I think we can swing that.

Meanwhile, THOMAS has performed with the BAND at the SCHOOL PLAY but failed to get THE GIRL.

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Dangit, I went through with my genius plan of playing some drums adjacent to her, and she still didn’t fall madly in love with me!

LIAM NEESON

Holy fuck, are you telling me that all through rehearsals you still haven’t attempted to actually talk to her?

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

Talk… TO her? Why that’s just crazy enough to work! But crap, she’ll be getting on a plane in about ten minutes to leave the country. I’m going to have to-

LIAM NEESON

Oh God are we really doing this stupid romcom cliche

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

-chase her through the airport!

He aggressively bypasses AIRPORT SECURITY and sprints through the AIRPORT just a couple of years after NINE ELEVEN, no doubt causing a massive panic and getting several flights cancelled and ruining hundreds of people’s CHRISTMAS, but hey it was all worth it so that THOMAS could confirm that SOME GIRL knows his NAME.

INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT

One month later, in a convenient coincidence all of our movie’s CHARACTERS pile off the same AIRPLANE and arrive back in ENGLAND.

HUGH GRANT

Martine and I are still dating!

COLIN FIRTH

Lúcia and I are still engaged!

ALAN RICKMAN

My marriage is still in the shitter!

KRIS MARSHALL

I’m still shagging those same Americans or something!

LAURA LINNEY

I’m still gone from this movie!

BILL NIGHY

I’m, like, here.

ANDREW LINCOLN

I’m still being just friends with Keira… is this all we’re doing in this scene? “One month later everything was exactly the same”?

THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER

I’m even still with that girl, implausibly enough. Sheesh this is a nothing note to end on.

HUGH GRANT (V.O.)

So there you have it! That’s love. It’s beautiful, it’s messy, it’s complicated, it’s irritatingly cutesy, it’s unpredictable, sometimes it’s excruciatingly predictable. It’s contrived, it’s artificial, it’s unrelatable. It doesn’t always make sense, its characters are one-dimensional, but it makes a mint at the box office and becomes a holiday staple regardless.

(smiles)

Because it’s Christmas. And at Christmas, you’re supposed to watch cheesy sentimental garbage.

END.