FADE IN:

EXT. ISLA NUBLAR

A bunch of SNEAKY THIEVES sneak into the ruins of JURASSIC WORLD using a HELICOPTER and a SUBMARINE.

HELICOPTER PILOT

Okay men, remember our mission: to continue the trend of every Jurassic Park movie having dumber villains than the one before it. The franchise started out with a guy who tried to play fetch with a dilophosaurus, so we’ve got our work cut out for us.

IDIOT

All right, well here we go in our submarine to get some DNA from the indominus rex’s corpse, sure hope the giant mosasaur that lives in this tank died at some point, but why bother to actually check, right? DERP DE DERP

(eaten by mosasaur)

DUMB FUCK

Well, here I am hacking the park controls - hey why are the helicopter guys frantically gesturing at me? They’ve landed the helicopter and are making extremely clear “come here and get in now now now” hand signals, what’s with that??? I better stand still and try to figure out what in all of monster island they could be trying to warn me about DURRRRR

(eaten by T-rex)

HELICOPTER PILOT

Neat, we’re off to a great start! Nice work everybody! DUUUHHHH

(falls for Nigerian email scam)

INT. GOVERNMENT HEARING

Some GOVERNMENT TYPES are holding an EXPOSITIONAL HEARING about ISLA NUBLAR.

GOVERNMENT PERSON

So the park was closed and the dinosaurs have been just left to their own devices, and now the island is about to explode, because when Richard Attenborough was choosing an island to put the original park on, and when Irfan Khan was figuring out how to restart it, both of them picked a giant fucking volcano, which is honestly not the least bit surprising considering all of their other decisions. Now we need to decide whether we’re going to save the dinosaurs.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Madame Government Person, I say we just let the dinosaurs go fuck themselves. They’re unnatural monsters and they belong dead. I will personally piss on their ashes.

GOVERNMENT PERSON

Could we possibly hear from somebody who WASN’T nearly eaten by dinosaurs on two separate occasions?

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Hey, trust me, you want to keep me in this seat! This is the only thing I even do all movie, try and make the most of it.

INT. JAMES CROMWELL’S MANSION

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD is invited to have an audience with elderly billionaire JAMES CROMWELL.

JAMES CROMWELL

Hello Bryce, I’m the guy who co-founded Jurassic Park with Richard Attenborough. You know, the one who was never mentioned or hinted at before, and whose existence doesn’t really make any sense?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Of course. I mean there’s no reason you couldn’t have been just some random eccentric billionaire, but what the hell.

JAMES CROMWELL

I’ve come up with a plan to save the dinosaurs from the volcano. After all, we can’t let the dinosaurs die out all over again, can we?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

But there’s a whole other island full of dinosaurs. Remember? Isla Sorna?

JAMES CROMWELL

Er well, yes, but-

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Besides, surely when breeding the dinosaurs for Jurassic World we fixed that frog-DNA mistake which allowed the dinosaurs to breed in Jurassic Park. In which case, even if we rescued the all-female population from the island, they’d all die out in one generation anyway.

JAMES CROMWELL

The point is-

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

And even though we abandoned the park, we SURELY held onto the research and DNA samples, so if you really wanted there to still be dinosaurs we could just make a bunch of new ones whenever you felt like it.

JAMES CROMWELL

Look, do you want a movie or don’t you? I’ve got a backup island to transport the dinosaurs to. A less explodey one. I want your help as former director of Jurassic World.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Wait a minute, so the story of this movie isn’t about fleeing dinosaurs, but SAVING dinosaurs? That’s really fresh and different! Thank God we’re not just trying to cook up another bunch of stale scenes of one-dimensional characters running away from... er, who’s that standing right next to you?

JAMES CROMWELL

You mean Rafe Spall? Why he’s my right-hand man! My royal vizier, if you will! To make sure my plan goes exactly as I just described, I’m going to make Rafe be middle-management between me and the people who carry it out. As long as he does that completely without betraying me, saving the dinosaurs will be the actual plot of the movie, and Rafe’s character will exist for no reason!

STUPID, STUPID RAFE SPALL

I’m wearing a suit!

(invests in pyramid scheme)

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Well shit.

INT. DINER

BRYCE goes to talk to CHRIS PRATT.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I want you to come and save these dinosaurs with me, including your pet raptor Blue. I really care about these animals and my sole interest is their wellbeing!

CHRIS PRATT

Forget it, I have a callous disregard for whether the dinosaurs live or die, because you and I have completely swapped characterizations at some point.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Damnit. I don’t suppose this refusal of the call to adventure is just a pointless delaying tactic which is only going to last for this one brief scene, by any chance?

CHRIS PRATT

Yeah, let’s go.

(jumps in helicopter)

EXT. ISLA NUBLAR

BRYCE, CHRIS, and BRYCE’S ASPCD FLUNKIES DANIELA PINEDA and JUSTICE SMITH arrive at the remains of JURASSIC WORLD, where they meet head dino-hunter TED LEVINE.

CHRIS PRATT

So many new characters in this movie! We massively underbudgeted for character traits, so I’m afraid you’re gonna have to settle for one each.

DANIELA PINEDA

Okay. I’m sassy!

(rolls eyes)

JUSTICE SMITH

I’m panicky!

(shits pants)

THAT MORON TED LEVINE

And I’m the head of a fictional private military company!

(eats paste)

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I thought your character trait was “sadistic asshole”?

THAT MORON TED LEVINE

That’s what I just said.

(watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

All right, now I will use my palmprint to make a computer tell us the locations of every dinosaur on the island.

(does)

There, I just did the only thing you guys wanted from us in the first place. So if your plan is to dispose of us, now would be the time to do it.

CHRIS PRATT

Or really, you should have just brought a computer hacker and left us out of it in the first place.

THAT MORON TED LEVINE

Yeah well, you’ve seen the relationship this franchise’s villains have with correct decisions.

(mixes up “your” and “you’re”)

CHRIS goes and tracks down his PET RAPTOR, BLUE.

CHRIS PRATT

Hi there, Blue! How’ve you been? Listen, there’s these jerks with me who want to just shoot you with a tranquilizer dart, but I was thinking instead I’d try to bring you in peacefully. Like... the two of us, me and a raptor, could just walk back to the other guys and uh, you’d willingly get into a cage? Without eating anybody? You’ve gotten like a hundred times more tame since last movie despite being reintroduced to the wild and having to fend for yourself for the past couple years, right?

The HUNTERS shoot BLUE with a TRANQUILIZER DART.

CHRIS PRATT

OH FUCK YOU GUYS MY WAY TOTALLY WOULD HAVE WORKED!

BLUE

Ow, a dart! That will make me fall asleep in the next ninety seconds or so! In the meantime I guess I’ll just eat the guys who shot me.

(starts killing people)

By the way, nets are a thing, you fucking idiots.

The HUNTERS shoot BLUE with ACTUAL BULLETS! Then, wanting to make CHRIS DEAD, they shoot HIM with TRANQUILIZER DARTS. They carrie BLUE off and leave CHRIS to die as the VOLCANO starts to PUKE LAVA all over the place!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh fuck... the lava’s nearly touching me! Thank God it’s just movie lava, and you can be half an inch away from it without getting your face cooked off. I hope that this tranquilizer designed to put giant animals to sleep for hours just happens to wear off suddenly...

(it does)

Phew! That shouldn’t have happened.

He RUNS OFF and meets up with BRYCE and JUSTICE.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Sorry we’re late! We were stuck in a room with a baryonyx that cared more about trying to eat us than fleeing the lava which was literally filling the room at the time! What a weirdo, huh? Now let’s get the fuck off this exploding mountain before the oncoming wall of ash-

(carnotaur tries to eat her)

OH COME THE FUCK ON!! You carnivores need to learn some goddamn priorities, I mean holy ASS!

CARNOTAUR

Hey, we’re Jurassic Park carnivores, eating humans is the entire purpose of our existence! Do you have any idea how fucking bored we’ve been the past couple of years?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Well fortunately we happen to find ourselves standing right next to what seems to be the only functional vehicle on the whole island, so NYAH!

BRYCE and JUSTICE jump into one of those PLASTICBALLMOBILES that Jurassic World has and drive it off a CLIFF into the OCEAN.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Shit, Chris wasn’t able to get into the ball! And then the ash caught him! Alas, poor-

CHRIS PRATT

Hi there. I am completely unharmed despite just being hit by a blast of superheated ash from a volcanic explosion during a dinosaur stampede, and then falling off a cliff.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Okay what? Are you a Fast and the Furious character or a Looney Tune?

JUSTICE SMITH

Guys, Ted and his henchmen are leaving on their boat right now! We have to find a way to sneak aboard so that nobody notices. So let’s stealthily-

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Tear up behind the boat in a speeding car then do a ramp jump right onto the boat as it’s leaving? YES LET’S STEALTHILY DO THAT!!

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, are YOU a Fast and Furious character?

They board the BOAT and escape the island! Then there is a lingering shot of a lone brachiosaurus slowly walking to the shore, giving in to despair as it realizes it has nowhere left to run, and letting out a mournful cry as it is engulfed by the ash and smoke, and SOME JACKASS in the cinema actually TEARS UP in a goddamn JURASSIC PARK MOVIE. Who was that loser. Not the author of this abridged script, that's for sure. He's SUPER COOL.

INT. JAMES CROMWELL'S MANSION

RAFE invites an awkwardly be-wigged and be-accented TOBY JONES into the secret LABORATORY in the basement of JAMES’S MANSION.

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

I’m here to run your top-secret dinosaur auction for international arms-dealing supervillains, because yes, we’re actually continuing on with that terrible harebrained scheme of using dinosaurs as weapons.

(makes homemade fireworks)

STUPID, STUPID RAFE SPALL

And we’re also bringing back the idiotic spliced-up superdinosaur plot! We’ve got the prototype for a miniature Indominus Rex down here, but it won’t be ready to sell until we get Blue, because Blue has special Raptor Mom powers which will hypnotize the mini-I-Rex into being obedient to humans. Fuck me, what a stupid premise.

(starts anti-vaxxer blog)

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

It’s good for us and our inane plan that James’s house happened to have several huge unoccupied floors where we could set up a lab, pens for many giant animals, and an impromptu auction house.

(writes the movie “Geostorm”)

But JAMES’S GRANDDAUGHTER ISABELLA SERMON has overheard EVERYTHING and goes and SQUEALS to JAMES.

JAMES CROMWELL

I’m very disappointed in you, Rafe! Betraying me, colluding with international warlords, plotting to make yourself stinking rich. I insist that you call the police and volunteer to go to prison. I could have called them myself, but I figure you’ll do the right thing.

STUPID, STUPID RAFE SPALL

Wow. You probably should have tried out for the villain team.

(spends half of income on lottery tickets)

DUMB OLD JAMES CROMWELL

What makes you say-

(smothered to death)

INT. BOAT

BRYCE and CHRIS find DANIELA already aboard the BOAT.

DANIELA PINEDA

The bad guys kept me alive because they needed somebody to treat Blue’s bullet wound. Then they assigned nobody to keep an eye on me even though it’s really obvious that I’d want to stage an escape, contact somebody, do pretty much whatever I could to fuck them over.

CHRIS PRATT

Oh right, when Bryce was invited to help out with the so-called rescue, of course she would have wanted to bring a dino vet. That’s why she brought you, who I’m guessing is one of the many vets who spent years looking after the dinosaurs on Jurassic World?

DANIELA PINEDA

Actually while there were presumably dozens of such people to choose from, instead she picked me, who never even saw a live dinosaur until today.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

(shrugs)

All the real vets remembered me from when my character was a horrible bitch.

DANIELA PINEDA

Anyway, Blue’s lost a lot of blood. The only suitable donor is the T-Rex, so go steal her blood while she’s asleep. This is the T-Rex’s only contribution to the whole story.

CHRIS PRATT

Well that’s depressing.

They put some T-REX BLOOD into BLUE, then DANIELA pulls the BULLET out of her.

DANIELA PINEDA

There we go! Now she’s all fixed, and will presumably be able to run around eating people and fighting other dinosaurs within twenty-four hours.

CHRIS PRATT

But all you did was take the bullet out. What about all the trauma caused when the bullet ripped through her flesh and organs?

DANIELA PINEDA

Don’t be silly, this is a Movie Bullet! The only life-threatening symptom of a Movie Bullet wound is bulletbeinginyouitis, so you just have to remove the bullet to turn somebody from nearly dead to instantly cured!

The BAD GUYS arrive at AMERICA and take the DINOSAURS to JAMES’S MANSION. On the way, TED catches BRYCE and CHRIS!

THAT MORON TED LEVINE

Aha, the guys we intended to kill on the island! We thought you died on the island like we wanted. But here you are, still alive, so now we will... put you in a cage and not kill you at all!

(tries to unclog a wood chipper while it’s turned on)

INT. AUCTION ROOM

An assortment of MEGALOMANIACS gather to bid on RAFE’S DINOSAURS.

STUPID, STUPID RAFE SPALL

Welcome to the auction, where you will spend millions to acquire some dinosaurs which, I must point out, have just been sitting on an abandoned island for the past couple of years where you could have just shown up and grabbed them for free, you idiots.

(texts while driving)

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

Our first item is an ankylosaurus. Just this wild animal with a bunch of spikes on it. You can buy it and, I don’t know, make it run around and whack random things with its big thwompy tail. Is this a thing you want? Does - does anybody feel like spending millions of dollars, for this?

(converts to Scientology)

NUMBSKULL

Several of us will in fact enter a bidding war to get this stupid thing!

(tries to pet a moose)

RAFE and TOBY then proceed to sell A WHOLE BUNCH OF DINOSAURS for A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY, which goes to show that a DUMB MONEY-MAKING SCHEME turns into a GOOD MONEY-MAKING SCHEME just so long as the people you’re getting money from are AT LEAST AS DUMB AS YOU.

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

And now for the piece de resistance: our new designer dinosaur, which we made by combining Indominus Rex genes with raptor genes!

(buys meat on Craigslist)

FUCKWIT

But didn’t the Indominus Rex already have raptor genes in it?

(watches that video from The Ring)

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

Well, yes, but this one has... more raptor in it? Or something? Also we threw in some pantomime villain genes. You’ll see what I mean.

(reads aloud from The Book of the Dead)

STUPID, STUPID RAFE SPALL

Let’s demonstrate how the Indoraptor works. You paint a laser onto the thing you want to kill, like I’m doing with this assault rifle-shaped device. Then you press a button and the Indoraptor attacks that thing.

(builds house on ancient burial ground)

IMBECILE

Gasp! You mean all I have to do is get myself into a position where I have an assault rifle aimed at something, then I can just press a button and the thing dies? Never before has such a thing been possible!! I BID INFINITY DOLLARS!!!

(gives Bruce Banner a wedgie)

Everybody goes into a BIDDING FRENZY. But then CHRIS bursts in, having freed HIMSELF and a DINOSAUR, which then SMASHES THE ROOM while everybody FLEES.

THAT MORON TED LEVINE

Well this seems like a good time to ask Rafe for my fee, you know, while he’s not busy - oh hey, the Indoraptor’s been tranquilized. It is a positively EXCELLENT PLAN to open the door to its cage right now and TRY TO RIP SOME TEETH OUT OF THE GIANT CARNIVORE’S MOUTH.

(gets into a cage with a mystery carnivore and tries to rip its teeth out, honestly I don’t think I need to embellish this time)

INDORAPTOR

Oh yes, come closer, I am so very truly asleep. Dead to the world, nothing could stir me from such a deep slumber!

(opens eyes and grins mischievously at the audience while Ted isn’t looking)

(NOT FUCKING KIDDING)

TED tries to take the INDORAPTOR’S TEETH without success, then the INDORAPTOR tries to take TED’S ARM and LIFE somewhat more effectively. It then turns its attention to TOBY.

TOBY “SHIT-FOR-BRAINS” JONES

Fuuuck, why did it take me this long just to leave this one room?

(eaten)

The INDORAPTOR escapes the BUILDING and goes up to the ROOF.

INDORAPTOR

Mwa ha ha, free at last! The world will soon learn to fear... the nefarious INDORAPTOR!

(howls at the moon)

(STILL NOT KIDDING)

ISABELLA SERMON

Dang, this thing’s even more over-the-top evil than the human villains. Remember when the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park were just, you know, powerful animals? Because they didn’t live in a cartoon?

(flees)

Well I better get the fuck out of here. What’s the most effective, practical means of escape?

(crawls into bed and hides under the sheets)

Okay, even for a literal ten-year-old this is dumb.

INDORAPTOR

Not necessarily! After all, as a pantomime villain, does not such a contrived setup compel me to attack you in the most unnecessarily slow and dramatic fashion possible?

The INDORAPTOR enters the room, draws its cape across its face and starts inching ever so slowly towards ISABELLA.

AUDIENCE

BOO! HISS! LOOK OUT, ISABELLA!

But then CHRIS and BRYCE burst in and distract the INDORAPTOR, which chases them to the ROOF!

INDORAPTOR

Very well, then I shall simply continue my slow impractical attack, but this time on you! Unless there’s yet ANOTHER party who can intervene and save you-

BLUE intervenes! She jumps on the INDORAPTOR, causing it to fall through a SKYLIGHT onto some GIANT SPIKES which just so happened to be directly under the SKYLIGHT.

BLUE

Oh, cool! There was no possible way for me to have known that would happen, I really lucked out on this one.

CHRIS PRATT

But wait, the day is not quite saved! The dinosaurs that they didn’t get round to selling yet are all still trapped, and the room is filling with gas from the giant tank of cyanide in the lab! Because of course this lab has a giant tank of cyanide gas sitting around.

ISABELLA SERMON

I’m gonna press the button which releases the dinosaurs! I can’t let my fellow clones die!

(oh yeah, there was this whole twist where it turned out Isabella was a clone, but it never really went anywhere or affected anything so who gives a flying fuck)

The DINOSAURS are RELEASED, and about HALF OF THEM immediately EAT RAFE.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Oh no, what have we done? Dinosaurs have been reintroduced to the ecosystem! The world is changed forever!

CHRIS PRATT

The fuck are you talking about? There’s like, twenty-five dinosaurs out there. Half of them are herbivores and none of them can breed.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Life will find a way or something! We’re finished; it’s the dinosaurs’ planet now.

CHRIS PRATT

Everybody’s being way too dramatic about this! Seriously, any given one of these things could be taken out by a single tank, and we’ve got thousands of tanks. The only way the dinosaurs could defeat us is if every person in this whole world was a total fucking idiot!

(pause)

Oh shit.

END.