FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK

TESSA THOMPSON

Child me rescued an alien and the MIB forgot to neuralyze me so I’ve spent my entire life trying to find them and now I have!

She infiltrates MIB HQ and is caught instantly.

EMMA THOMPSON interrogates her, frowningly.

TESSA THOMPSON

Don’t neuralyze me bro! I want to join your franchise!

EMMA THOMPSON

We don't just hire any crazy person who walks in from the MCU, we recruit the best of the best of the best of the best.

TESSA THOMPSON

Please Emma? We both have the same last name.

EMMA THOMPSON

(pause)

Go on.

TESSA THOMPSON

And I think you look sexy in your MIB outfit. Complimenting your potential female boss on her looks and outfit is a great way to get hired in 2019, right?

EMMA THOMPSON

I'm not neuralyzing the fuck out of you so it must be.

(frown reduces by 15%)

Ok I’ll give you a chance, but first we need to show the audience how skilled and adept you are at alien policing so let's take 2 minutes to update the training scene from the first movie with some new and wacky tests.

TESSA THOMPSON

That sounds boring so how about you just take my word that I'm already the best agent ever? That's how hiring works these days right?

EMMA THOMPSON

You're right it is, no testing necessary. I mean sure we made Will Smith compete against highly trained military personnel to prove his worthiness but he wasn't a her-o so welcome to the Men in Black!

TESSA THOMPSON

Whoa whoa hold up, “Men” in Black? This offends me. It should be “People In Black” or “Humans In Black”, as I have publicly stated in interviews.

EMMA THOMPSON

So you think a franchise about space aliens and headlined by a black man needs to be... more inclusive? Are you going for some kind of irony achievement?

TESSA THOMPSON

Achievepeoplet.

EMMA THOMPSON

Ok first of all the title has historical significance and we have all kinds of genders, races, and species in our organization and I, a female woman, am the head of the New York branch despite my Britishness so chill the fuck out Anita Sarkeesian. Besides the last franchise to take the men out of its title was Dark Phoenix which tanked almost as hard as the new Hellboy.

TESSA THOMPSON

THERE WAS A NEW HELLBOY MOVIE?!

EMMA THOMPSON

Exactly. What moron thought rebooting a franchise heavily dependent on its original actors and director and casting all new people was going to work...

(slowly turns head)

(looks directly into camera)

Oh dear.

INT. EUROPE

TESSA is sent to the MIB’s London branch.

TESSA THOMPSON

(is surrounded by dozens of aliens)

Okay now I want to see the space creatures.

LIAM NEESON

There’re right over here. Hi Tessa, I’m Agent T, I am in charge of MIB-EU. And this is my snooty underling Rafe Spall who is Agent C.

RAFE SPALL

I wear glasses so of course I’m a cunt. And no THAT IS NOT WHAT THE C STANDS FOR.

(pause)

It’s cocksucker, obviously.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

And I’m Agent Hemsworth, H for short. Liam and I saved the world once, we had a commemorative painting made and everything.

TESSA THOMPSON

So you’re a famous agent? Hmm. I will leech off of your higher status to help propel my own position in the company.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hey it worked for you in Ragnarok. Now come with me to a nightclub where the plot is happening.

TESSA THOMPSON

This movie has a plot???

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That’s the rumor according to the dialog writer I’ve hired.

TESSA THOMPSON

Holy shit I hired one too! Are they helping us seem funnier?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(kangaroo noises)

TESSA THOMPSON

Me too.

INT. NIGHTCLUB

CHRIS meets his alien creature friend BLUE DOOMSDAY who’s some kind of space royalty or something.

BLUE DOOMSDAY

I have in my possession a super weapon that can destroy entire galaxies, but I can’t trust the MIB with it because they have been infiltrated by evil shape-shifting Cthulhu aliens called “The Hive”.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wait Liam and I saved the world from a Hive invasion so you should trust me with the weapon!

BLUE DOOMSDAY

But my vague Deanna Troi powers tell me you’ve “changed” somehow so I can’t trust you.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Changed? In what way? Have I been brainwashed and become unknowingly evil or something?

BLUE DOOMSDAY

No, you were 300 pounds a couple of months ago and now you’re so fit! I can’t trust a vegan with this weapon!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That was a fat suit! And I hate vegans! These abs are pure Keto diet brah!

TESSA THOMPSON

I’m a total stranger who’s only been an MIB agent for 10 minutes! Give the world ending weapon to me!

BLUE DOOMSDAY

Yes, I trust you completely.

BLUE DOOMSDAY is attacked by twin alien RASTAFARIANS.

RASTAFARIANS

Our plan to get the super weapon, from Blue Doomsday was to roofie his drink so he’d leave the club, let him drive half a block away, then fling his car into a building giving Chris and Tessa a chance to stop us.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Why is your plan so overly complicated?

RASTAFARIANS

It’s a quirk with our alien species. We can’t even take a shit without 14 extra steps and a spreadsheet.

CHRIS fights the aliens off while BLUE DOOMSDAY secretly gives TESSA the super weapon before he dies.

RAFE SPALL

This is a real shit-show Chris, therefore I vote to have you and Tessa fired and mind-wiped.

TESSA THOMPSON

Well I disagree!

LIAM NEESON

She makes a good point.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Indeed! Blue Doomsday was my friend! I’d do anything to track down the people that did this to him!

LIAM NEESON

Say, that reminds me of a similar incident from my youth where I wanted to kill a guy--

TESSA THOMPSON

Uh, Liam, you sure you want to tell this story?

LIAM NEESON

Yeah yeah it’s cool, it’s a life lesson about how revenge is wrong. You see, a lady friend of mine was attack by a--

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No, seriously Liam, stop talking.

LIAM NEESON

No dude, listen, I wanted to avenge my friend by tracking down and killing her attacker, but then I realized revenge is wrong.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh. Well. That doesn’t sound so bad. Inspirational, even.

LIAM NEESON

(pause)

I was going to kill a black guy.

(is placed in Time Out for the entire Second Act)

TESSA THOMPSON

Now that Liam has been quasi-cancelled who’s going to help us?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Thanks to plot convenient gobbledygook plot I have a lead. To Morocco!

INT. MARRAKESH

CHRIS and TESSA talk to a BEARD FERRET that leads them to tiny Funko sized alien soldier CGI KUMAIL NANJIANI.

CGI KUMAIL NANJIANI

The Rastafarians killed my queen so now I pledge my loyalty to Tessa! You are mah queen!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That’s weird, it seems that wherever Tessa goes she wins everyone’s trust and admiration effortlessly.

TESSA THOMPSON

That's because of how awesome I am. This was all foreshadowed in that training montage I aced that got me accepted into the MIB.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

But that scene never happened.

TESSA THOMPSON

Well that explains it! Just pretend I'm charismatic as fuck despite all thematic evidence to the contrary.

RAFE SPALL

While you guys were measuring dick sizes I discovered Tessa has the super weapon and didn’t tell us so I’m sending agents to bring you both in!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fuck! Initiate Ghost Protocol! That’s where we’re disavowed by our secret government agency and run through a busy city!

TESSA THOMPSON

Oh so you’re Tom Cruise over here?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No I'm much taller thank you very much.

They escape on a HOVER BIKE which has a teleporting SPORE DRIVE ENGINE as well as leather seats and a neuralyzer charger.

EXT. DESERT (OF UNORIGINAL IDEAS)

CHRIS and TESSA crash their HOVER BIKE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well since we’re here we might as well test out the super weapon.

TESSA THOMPSON

But it’s just a little spiky crystal thing. There’s no telling how it works okay I figured it out.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

And though I am a seasoned expert with strange weapons and you’ve been in the MIB for about 12 hours with zero training I’m going to let you handle this dangerous weapon of mass destruction.

TESSA THOMPSON

As you should, Chris. As you fucking should.

(blows a Grand Canyon sized hole in the ground that appears as though it is sucking us into its deep dark bottomless abyss of sorrow)

I think I found out where our creativity went.

BEARD FERRET

(steals super weapon)

Haha! I stowed away inside the hoverbike! Now I can sell this super weapon to multiple arms dealer Rebecca Ferguson!

(escapes on adorable miniature jetpack!)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Luckily Rebecca is my murderous ex-girlfriend so I can get us into her Dr. Evil-esque island lair.

TESSA THOMPSON

Oh good wait did you say murderous??

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, that’s what made the sex so hot.

INT. REBECCA’S EVIL ISLAND FORTRESS OF EVIL

REBECCA FERGUSON prances around dressed as a Star Trek villain of the week (basically Lady Gaga on fewer Quaaludes than usual) complete with Party City prop wig made out of skunk hair.

REBECCA FERGUSON

I’m not evil I’m just eccentric!

(kills a random guy with dry humor)

Ok maybe I’m evil. Also I have an unsettlingly creepy 3rd arm growing out of my back which means my alien species is either known for being great at piano or happy ending massages.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(arriving)

Sweetheart! I’ve missed you! I’m so sad we broke up!

REBECCA FERGUSON

I know you’re here to steal the super weapon from me so I’m going to have my bodyguard Thicc Sonic beat you up.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh good, that will give me a chance to make a Thor reference because audiences love it when you remind them of something far more entertaining than what they are watching.

TESSA THOMPSON

That's true. Meanwhile I’ll have a girl fight with Rebecca so she can show off that freaky ass back arm of hers. I mean seriously how do you sit in chairs with that thing?

REBECCA FERGUSON

Very uncomfortably.

Everybody FIGHTS!

Or rather they fumble around for a few minutes.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The hell? Why is this sequence so poorly directed?

TESSA THOMPSON

Because F. Gary Gray is too busy trying to get out of making this disaster. Not even joking.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Smart man. Well I’ve gotten my ass kicked by Thicc Sonic so I need to be rescued because I’m incompetent.

TESSA THOMPSON

Wait a minute, Thicc Sonic is the alien I saved when I was a kid! What have you been doing all these years?

THICC SONIC

Killing people. That’s not a joke either, my whole schtick is I like to murder. Thank you Tessa for not turning me into the MIB so I could fulfill my life’s goal of freely ending lives.

TESSA THOMPSON

Wow, I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t make this movie an allegory for illegal immigration as originally planned otherwise this would be super awkward.

TESSA and CHRIS get the super weapon but are cornered by the evil RASTAFARIANS.

RASTAFARIANS

Wait what? We’re not evil! We need the super weapon to kill The Hive who are the real villainsBLARHRAHRAH

(killed)

LIAM NEESON

Great job team! Now I’ll take the super weapon because I’m THE MOLE!

(morphs into badly textured CGI squid monster thing)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Man, comic book movies with shape-shifting aliens are really popular this year. Oooh, you forgot this was a comic book movie didn’t you?

CHRIS puts up a heroic fight gets his shit pushed in by LIAM SQUIDSON and just kind of hangs around until TESSA can rescue his sorry ass by using the super weapon to kill LIAM and genocide THE HIVE.

TESSA THOMPSON

See? You CAN reboot a Will Smith property without Will Smith and still be a success!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

We’ve bombed harder than Independence Day Resurgence while Aladdin is printing money.

TESSA THOMPSON

FuuuuUUUUUCK!!!!!! Well maybe we can neuralyze the audience so they can forget they ever saw this dumpster fire?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

It’s already happened.

END...

OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE