"Whoops, I was just trying to drop anchor. Q should really label these things more clearly."

LIVE AND LET DIE

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. UNITED NATIONS

Some BRITISH DIPLOMAT is listening to a SPEECH via a TRANSLATOR HEADSET. But then some BLACK GUY fills his HEADSET with MURDER NOISES that KILL HIM!

DIPLOMAT

Calm down everybody, sure my killer was a scary black man but it’s pretty alarmist to chalk up every non-white murderer in fiction to racism! We’re fine, no big deal.

(dies)

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

Some BRITISH OPERATIVE is surveilling a RESTAURANT. But then a PASSING FUNERAL PROCESSION composed entirely of BLACK PEOPLE turn out to be SECRET MURDERERS and KILL HIM!

OPERATIVE

Uh, okay, so here we have like eighty innocent-seeming black people who are actually all scheming criminals. But there are all-black crime gangs in the real world, just not as silly as this one! We could still be all right!

(dies)

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND

Some BRITISH GUY is tied to a STAKE while a bunch of MOSTLY-NAKED BLACK NATIVES do a TRIBAL DANCE and some GOAT-HEADED VOODOO GUY attacks him with a LIVE SNAKE and KILLS HIM!

GUY

Oh dear God no. Abandon ship, everybody. Get out of here while you still can, I mean what the FUCK.

(dies)

INT. OPENING MONTAGE FULL OF IMAGERY OF DUBIOUS CULTURAL SENSITIVITY

PAUL MCCARTNEY

(singing)

When you were Sean

With that voice and those rugged looks

They used to be so effusive

But now you’ve turned into a dull, blandly cute man

In a suit and a tie

They’re livid, no lie...

INT. 007’S HOUSE (HE HAS ONE OF THOSE? SINCE WHEN?)

ROGER MOORE answers the door to find BERNARD LEE and LOIS MAXWELL standing there.

BERNARD LEE

Hello sir, we’re looking for agent 007, is he in?

ROGER MOORE

That’s me, chief.

BERNARD LEE

What? No you’re not. James Bond is a virile, steely-eyed chunk of Scottish testosterone, or, on a bad day, a nondescript Australian who can’t act. You look and talk like you should be announcing the weather on BBC2.

ROGER MOORE

Look, I’m gonna be Bond for longer than any other actor in history for some ungodly reason, so just get used to it.

BERNARD LEE

All right then. A bunch of British guys who were looking into Caribbean diplomat Yaphet Kotto have been murdered, so go to America and look into it. Oh and here’s your new gadget watch. Normally Q would give it to you, but seeings as this is the first legitimately shitty Bond movie, we might as well fuck up on every conceivable level.

ROGER MOORE

Ah yes, my watch that’s capable of generating a magnetic field powerful enough to divert the course of bullets fired at me! Even though bullets are nonferrous. And the watch’s magnetic field draws metal objects TOWARDS it. Man, no wonder we never actually use the watch that way ever in the movie.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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