INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE- ORIGINS O’ CLOCK

INVINCIYEUN is just your AVERAGE TEENAGER and his dad OMNISIMMONS is the WORLD’S GREATEST SUPER HERO. They live your AVERAGE SUBURBAN LIFE with MOMDRA OH.

INVINCIYEUN

(reads script)

Wow, they are not kidding. This episode was written by someone who thinks white bread has a kick to it.

(speaks to Omnisimmons)

Dad, when will this script pick up?

OMNISIMMONS

Let’s get the dumb introductions and set dressing out of the way and then we can hit the Rated-R stuff.

MOMDRA OH

Omni-Man, make sure you don’t bring in any parasites from the planet Xolfar again. I just finished bleaching the rug and I don’t want any more galactic diseases that spew rainbow acid.

INVINCIYEUN

Dad, will I ever be a superhero?

OMNISIMMONS

It’s very hard to tell if my super powered genes will move on to a human host.

INVINCIYEUN

(throws garbage bag one hundred miles)

Oh look.

OMNISIMMONS

Sweet. On to the Rated-R stuff!

INT. PETER PARKER SCHOOL FOR ORIGIN STORIES

INVINCIYEUN attends school like a NORMAL TEENAGER. He does NORMAL THINGS like ATTEND CLASS. ZAZIE LOVE INTEREST is eyeing up our YOUNG HERO TO BE.

INVINCIYEUN

They are not being facetious. This is really a very mundane day of school. Even my bullies aren’t motivated to bully.

BULLY

(weakly)

Give me your lunch…ah who cares?

ZAZIE LOVE INTEREST

Hi, you are kind of interesting and worth hanging out with as long as you can guarantee there will be no secrets between us.

INVINCIYEUN

Sounds doable. Now I need to go to my job.

INVINCIYEUN quits his job because he has a SUPER POWER.

INVINCIYEUN

I guess we won’t find plot there.

INT. THE AVENGERS LEAGUE OF HALLS

OMNISIMMONS has called a MEETING with the other members of THE GUARDIANS OF THE GLOBE.

OMNISIMMONS

I called this special meeting to make sure all of you have finalized your life insurance policies and updated your next of kin.

NOT THE FLASH

That is an odd thing to ask.

NOT BLACK ADAM

Why did you say it like that?

NOT AQUA MAN

What could you possibly mean by that?

NOT WONDER WOMAN

I am sure Omnisimmons has a wonderful explanation.

OMNISIMMONS RIPS OFF their heads, DETACHES limbs, SPILLS more blood than the EXXON VALDEZ, SLICES heroes in half. PLAYS A RIB CAGE like a xylophone.

THE ONE DAD WHO LET HIS SON WATCH THIS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS INCREDIBLES

Oh dear.

INT. THE GOVERNMENT PLACE FOR SECRET GOVERNING

CECIL GOGGINS is looking to figure out which EVIL VILLAIN had the power to RIP apart the GUARDIANS in the SAME WAY OMNISIMMONS would do it.

CECIL GOGGINS

This is such a hard puzzle. Everyone on your team died in a way that explains your super powers and you witnessed the whole thing.

OMNISIMMONS

Yep, and I suffered a major injury.

(shows rug burn on elbow)

CECIL GOGGINS

Hmmm…the puzzle thickens.

INT. THE JUNIOR GLOBAL GUARDIAN LEAGUE

INVINCIYEUN has LEARNED how to FLY and PUNCH things. Now that he has GREAT POWERS he needs GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

INVINCIYEUN

While my dad is reliving the plot to Brightburn, I get to check out the only super heroes left.

ATOM JACOBS

Hi, welcome to the team. Usually, we would need to have tryouts to see if you fit, but history tells me that a celebrity’s child is just as good as the celebrity at the thing the celebrity was good at. We have openings for team leader if you are interested.

SPLODEZOUKAS

I am Mid-Puberty Gambit. How may I offend you?

(that is all you need to know)

ROBOQUINTO

My character is slightly less emotional than Spock.

EXT. HERO MONTAGE

INVICIYEUN fights various bad guys that feel right at home with the 50-cent bin of a comic book shop.

INVINCIYEUN

(gets a black eye)

Each.

INVINCIYEUN

(loses all his teeth)

Fight.

INVINCIYEUN

(Every rib is shattered)

I get.

INVINCIYEUN

(gets massive brain contusions)

A little.

INVINCIYEUN

(left side of body is missing)

Better.

INVINCIYEUN

(hooked up to life giving tubes)

Do we really have to use my body to justify the MA rating?

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE- PLOT REVEAL O’ CLOCK

MOMDRA OH is starting to SUSPECT that her ALIEN HUSBAND has a SECRET LIFE that includes murdering GOOD GUYS.

MOMDRA OH

Tell me the truth, OmniSimmons! Are you secretly conspiring evil deeds behind my back?

OMNISIMMONS

The good news is it isn’t a secret affair. I find all human women disgusting. So disgusting, in fact, I wish they would all be captured and turned into slave cattle.

MOMDRA OH

Well that is a relief. Dinner is at 6pm. We are having lamb loaf.

OMNISIMMONS

Have you seen Invinciyeun? I want to have a father-to-son talk with him. It’s his first indoctrination to turn to genocide and I want it to be special.

INT. PLACE WHERE YOUNG TEENS HANG OUT

ZAZIE LOVE INTEREST is worried about all the lies INVINCIYEUN is telling her.

ZAZIE LOVE INTEREST

You miss school all the time. You can levitate in the air. You can lift a bus. All the signs are evident. You are dating Atom Jacobs behind my back.

INVINCIYEUN

I can’t tell you my secret. If I tell you then all my villains will come to your house as a way to hurt me.

ZAZIE LOVE INTEREST

I get it. You are trying to protect me.

INVINCIYEUN

You? I am trying to protect me. All my enemies put me in the hospital.

INT. SECRET GOVERNING PLACE FOR GOVERNMENT

CECIL GOGGINS is preparing the JUNIOR GUARDIANS for OMNISIMMONS.

CECIL GOGGINS

The fate of the world rests in your ability to stop him.

(hands out life insurance waivers)

(hands out casket catalogs)

SPLODEZOUKAS

Thank you for your confidence, sir, but you should know that our professionalism makes the Suicide Squad look like Seal Team Six.

HULK GIRL

Every time I transform, I get younger and younger.

ROBOQUINTO

(gets turned on by that fact)

Woah, I think my programming is messed up. That is a weird thing to be attracted to.

EVE JACOBS

I would help you, but Africa needs clean rivers. Good luck finding a girl that can change all matter.

CECIL GOGGINS

Invinciyeun, it is all up to you.

INVINCIYEUN

(trips on banana peel and shatters skull)

EXT. GOKU MOUNTAIN

OMNISIMMONS is having a heart-to-heart with his son.

OMNISIMMONS

So you can see that because of my upbringing from the Nazi Planet of Super Hitlers that it is very justifiable for me to kill everyone on this planet.

INVINCIYEUN

You make some very strong arguments, but let’s hear some suggestions that don’t end in me killing my friends and family. Maybe a bake sale?

OMNISIMMONS

I guess we need to have an epically imbalanced fight. Every viewer knew this was coming. No one paid admission for your vanilla home and dating life.

OMNISIMMONS and INVINCIYEUN perform a TRIBUTE TO EVERY DRAGON BALL Z FIGHT that went nowhere. OMNISIMMONS literally uses INVINCIYEUN’s FACE to kill everyone on a SUBWAY. BUILDINGS TOPPLE in NEW YORK CITY, STRUCTURES DEMOLISH in LOS ANGELES.

MEANWHILE: IN DETROIT

OMNISIMMONS

I think Detroit has had enough damage for a lifetime. Let’s skip this one.

FINALLY, INVINCIYEUN is BATTERED, BROKEN, TOOTHLESS, EYES SWOLLEN SHUT, and his SELF-ESTEEM is probably pretty low. OMNISIMMONS is about to deliver the FINAL BLOW.

OMNISIMMONS

Think, Yeun, think. We will live for a millennium and all your friends will die. Why should you care?

INVINCIYEUN

(gasping for life)

If this doesn’t end in a redemptive arc then people will mistake this for “The Boys: The Animated Series.”

OMNISIMMONS

Fine. But let this be a lesson to everyone. If I don’t get photos of Spider-Man this will happen again.

INT. SUPER HERO HOSPITAL

MOMDRA OH and CECIL GOGGINS visit INVINCIYEUN at the INTENSIVE CARE UNIT. Each one of his bones has its own BODYCAST.

CECIL GOGGINS

Rest now. You did good. Know that you temporarily made a walking doomsday weapon think about his actions.

MOMDRA OH

And try not to think how this bombshell will ruin our family dynamic and drive me into alcoholism. Sweet dreams.

(kisses Invinciyeun’s cheek)

(his cheek bone snaps in two)

EXT. SPACE- THE FINAL ROGENTIER

INVINCIYEUN is all better because he got 8 HOURS OF SLEEP and he STRIVED FOR FIVE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. He meets ALIEN ROGEN, a species that lives to ANNOY the PROTAGONIST.

ALIEN ROGEN

You saved the Earth, but now you are getting picked up for a second season. They burned up the alien invasion plot line so you know what that means in the comics.

INVINCIYEUN

A shoddy stab at a very tired multiverse plot.

ALIEN ROGEN

(nods)

(gives rod to beat dead horse)

INVINCIYEUN

(a single tear leaves his eye)

(the tear lands on his foot and shatters every bone)

THE END