FADE IN:

INT. MAGICAL LIBRARY

GOTHED-OUT MADS MIKKELSEN and his GOONTOURAGE burst into the LIBRARY OF ANCIENT KNOWLEDGE.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Bwah ha, I’m here to steal the most dangerous spell in the world, from the most powerful books of magic on Earth! I don’t care what impressive safeguards are in my way-

LIBRARIAN

Actually you just have to defeat ME... a random, low-level sorcerer. And those chains over the books? Purely decorative. Not even a high-school combination lock or anything. These are the least-guarded ultimate books of power ever.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Oh. Well then.

(kills librarian with magic fire shibari)

Now to rip out the pages we need! Sure we could take a photo, but then the good guys wouldn’t know exactly which spell we took, and what our plans are!

They take the PAGES and run into the STREETS!

TILDA SWINTON

Not so fast!

(gestures)

Witness how I make buildings go craaazy all MC Escher-styyylleee!!!!

MADS MIKKELSEN

That sure is freaky, but... does it actually accomplish anything?

TILDA SWINTON

Uh, it makes everything go sideways sometimes. That’s about it.

MADS creates a PORTAL and he and his gang GET AWAY!

TILDA SWINTON

Damn. If only there had been a way to create a tiny portal right next to Mads that I could reach through to grab the pages back. Alas, such a spell does not exist anywhere in this film. I’m off to re-wax my head.

INT. OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL SEQUELS HOSPITAL

Neurosurgeon BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH decides to really STRETCH HIS ACTING CHOPS by being a HANDSOME INGENIOUS SOMEWHAT ASOCIAL EGOCENTRIC TWAT, but this time with a PASSABLE AMERICAN ACCENT. He performs SURGERY while fellow doctor RACHEL MCADAMS quizzes him on MUSIC.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Right then, give me a tough one.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Okay. Here’s an orchestral theme from a Marvel movie. Tell me which.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fuck, not THAT tough.

BENEDICT demonstrates his AWESOME DEXTERITY by yanking a BULLET out of a man’s SKULL with his LEFT HAND while typing an AWARD-WINNING BAROQUE ROMANCE NOVEL with his RIGHT. While wearing MITTENS.

RACHEL MCADAMS

You know if you worked in the ER like me, you could save lives every day, you selfish asshole!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

But in my specialized practice, I can develop techniques that can save THOUSANDS of lives.

RACHEL MCADAMS

...ah fuck that's a great argument. I'm going to have work extra hard to convince the audience you're an arrogant douchebag.

BENEDICT proceeds to save the life of RACHEL'S patient free of charge.

RACHEL MCADAMS

That's not helping!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Right, off to go lecture people about how awesome I am! Toodles!

EXT. NARROW WINDING MOUNTAINTOP ROAD, IN THE DARK, WHILE RAINING ICE AND BANANA PEELS, DURING AN OIL SPILL

BENEDICT adapts to the ADVERSE ROAD CONDITIONS by setting his car to RECKLESS ASSHOLE MODE.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I'm in such a rush, have to book surgical appointments over the phone while driving with one hand AND patting myself on the back! My hands are so awesome! Time for a quick shave while eating a burrito and composing a pop song on this Casio keyboard. Whoops! Easy Bake cookies are done! Let me just stop spinning these plates for a moment so I can reach allllll the way over and OH! Is that a magpie?! I better sketch this bad boy up. Right after I’m done picking my nose with all ten fingers-

Suddenly he LOSES CONTROL and CRASHES!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Aaargh!! I have been permanently injured in a vehicle crash! A vehicle crash caused by my own arrogance and blindness to my actions! Now I must put aside my towering ego and use my keen intellect to help mankind!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(flying past)

Dude! Get your own thing!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh I see, you want to be the charmingly-arrogant goateed-bastard cornerstone of the MCU forever, is that it?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(pause)

Carry on.

INT. HOSPITAL

BENEDICT awakens in TRACTION.

RACHEL MCADAMS

I’ve got some bad news, Benny.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Give it to me straight, Rachel. Brain damage? Short term memory loss? Spinal contusions? Short term memory loss?

RACHEL MCADAMS

No, you’re still gorgeous and a genius. You can even walk fine. But your hands are going to have a very mild tremor. All things considered this is a pretty amazing stroke of luck for-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

TAKE OUT THE FEEDING TUBE I WANT TO DIIIIIIE

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh quit Cumberbitching. So you can’t freehand surgery anymore. You know what you CAN do? Lecture. Consult. Teach. Stephen Hawking’s been writing books from his chair for fifty years. Your fine motor skills aren’t even THAT bad, you can probably even still drive with some practice. If they give you your licence back, that is.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I’M A MONSTERRRRR

RACHEL MCADAMS

Fuck this. I’m breaking up with you. I mean, we’re already broken up, but, I don’t know, I’m double breaking up with you.

BENEDICT wastes tons of money trying vainly to fix his hands until finally one of his physical therapists takes pity and throws him a PLOT THREAD. Which BENEDICT fumbles and drops so the therapist hands it over gently instead.

EXT. PUBLIC BASKETBALL COURT

BENEDICT finds BENJAMIN BRATT and makes his SAD OTTER FACE until BENJAMIN gives in.

BENJAMIN BRATT

The place you want to find is called Kamar-Taj. It's a secret location that doesn't appear on maps or guidebooks so, good luck buying a ticket to go there.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh we've all seen the costume designs, the sets, it's obviously Nepal. Everything mystic is always from there anyway. Let us away to the land of foreign box office appeal!

EXT. KATHMANDU

BENEDICT wanders about in SAD CLOTHES until he's about to be MUGGED, but is saved by CHIWETEL EJIOFOR!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

So my friend, I hear you're looking for Kamar-Taj. I shall take you there, and introduce you to the mysterious figure known only as The Androgynous One.

(beat)

This is how we get new recruits apparently. By randomly overhearing strangers asking about us in crowded marketplaces.

INT. KAMAR-TAJ

CHIWETEL leads BENEDICT to see TILDA SWINTON.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Hello. I would like some new hands please.

TILDA SWINTON

It's not that simple. Here, we harness magical energies and expand our consciousness so that-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fuck you! I don't believe that shit! I assumed that deep inside this mystical temple was a reeeaallly expensive MRI machine or nanobots or something. Which is probably what they have in Tony Stark's lab in Avengers Tower which is like three blocks from my apartment in New York and why the fuck didn't I start there?

TILDA SWINTON

Well if thirty seconds of rational conversation won't convince you then how about BLOWWWWINGGG YOUR MIIIINDDDDDDDDDDDDD

BENEDICT is thrown into a GIANT COSMIC KALEIDOSCOPE filled with 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY ON ACID spliced with EVERY DOCTOR WHO OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE ALL AT ONCE!!!

SUB-ATOMIC PAUL RUDD

Hey.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Hey.

BENEDICT turns into INFINITE HANDS to provide some fun nightmare fuel for a generation of kids!

GENE WILDER

AND THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING... ANY SIGNS... THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!!

Eventually the audience's MIGRAINES are bad enough that the sequence STOPS and BENEDICT returns to reality.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I believe you, O genderfluid one! I am your humble servant!

TILDA SWINTON

Honestly I was just showing you that to be a dick.

(throws him out)

You know the rules, Chiwetel. If the applicant is young, tell him he's too young. Old, too old. Strikingly cheekboned, TOO strikingly cheekboned. If the applicant waits for three days without food, shelter, or encouragement, he may then enter and begin his training.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Ooookaaayyyy.......

(checks watch)

I mean, we've still got a lot of origin story to get through and...

TILDA SWINTON

Ugh, FINE.

(lets Benedict back inside)

I will teach you. But be warned, it could take WEEKS, if not SEVERAL WEEKS, for you to surpass us all in the martial arts we’re teaching you. Now let me show you around.

INT. LIBRARY OF MAGIC

TILDA and CHIWETEL take BENEDICT to meet new librarian BENEDICT WONG who is playing the character WONG.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

And this is the library. Wong, meet Benedict. Benedict, Wong.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Obviously that’s Benedict Wong. What’s his character’s name?

BENEDICT WONG

It’s Wong, Benedict.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Yes yes I know that, and if we're getting all formal then I'm Cumberbatch, Benedict. But your CHARACTER name is…?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

It’s just “Wong”, okay?!? Can you get that through your thick skull, Benedict? WONG!!

BENEDICT WONG

No, I’M Benedict Wong!

INT. LIBRARY - THIRTY-EIGHT HOURS LATER

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Phew, glad we finally got that sorted out. So, congrats on being an actual Asian actor cast to play an Asian character! Baby steps, Marvel.

BENEDICT WONG

Yeah, they figured they needed at least one Chinese-looking person in this movie after Tilda whited the place up. Sure, in the comics I'm a submissive, tea-chugging Charlie Chan type full of fortune cookie homilies, but we scrapped that, and now I listen to Beyonce and fail to guard books. They basically took out most of the stereotypes and replaced them with, well, nothing I guess.

INT. KAMAR-TAJ

BENEDICT, er CUMBERBATCH that is, continues his training and eventually decides to deal with the scraggly lice farm on his face.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Argh.. too difficult to shave... with my trembling hands! Hm, I'll give myself an elaborate, perfectly trimmed goatee, that's MUCH easier.

CUMBERBATCH continues to SUCK at magic until almost DYING forces him to learn ONE THING, then he is AWESOME.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

A-ha! I am now super proficient in the mystic arts, thanks to my powers of... MEMORIZATION!

BENEDICT WONG

Shit, is that all we're going with? No deeper understanding of reality, no spirit quest, not even his fine motor control? We're just gonna leave it there?

TILDA SWINTON

Yeah, that's why we don't let Ken Jennings within ten miles of this fucking place. Now Rememberbatch, you can read all you want, just DON'T FUCK WITH THE ARTIFACTS.

CUMBERBATCH immediately begins FUCKING WITH THE ARTIFACTS including the TIME TRAVEL NECKLACE.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Wow, I can fastfoward this half-eaten apple to when it's all eaten, or rewind it to when it's whole!

(thinks)

But the parts I ate are still inside me. So I've just found a source of infinite food, maybe this would be worth sharing with-

PAUL RUDD

(embiggening)

Dude, I could have wiped out world hunger in my movie too. Just forget it and move on.

(shrinks)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Which reminds me. If this place ISN'T entirely devoted to solving my life's problems, then what the fuck IS it for?

BENEDICT WONG

Kamar-Taj is linked to three Sanctums in London, Hong Kong, and New York, because FUCKING EVERYTHING'S gotta involve New York somehow. And yes, this means that both us AND Avengers Tower were a short walk from your home, flying halfway around the world just became DOUBLY useless...

Suddenly there's an EXPLOSION as unexpectedly, MADS ATTACKS! MICHAEL J. FOX gets vaporized as JACK NICHOLSON and DANNY DEVITO overact horribly and CUMBERBATCH finds himself thrown into the LONDON SANCTUM!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Gosh I wonder what fantastic new things are in THIS Sanctum. Here's some weird doors that lead to... portals? Huh? We all have rings that create portals everywhere, who's using this?

CUMBERBATCH wanders further and finds UMIT ULGEN in a standoff with MADS!

UMIT ULGEN

A-ha, now it's time to introduce exciting new hero Sol-

(killed)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Shit! What to do, what to do?! So many incredible relics of wisdom to utilize. We’ve got the location-changing door from Howl’s Moving Castle-

He KICKS one of MADS'S MOOKS into TATOOINE then flips the door to HOTH.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Sweet! Also, this cape seems to be made of the same material as Aladdin’s magic carpet, complete with comic relief sentience.

The CAPE wins the FIGHT for him by DRAGGING HIM over to the WINNING RELIC.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

What is this? A bundle of chains and rods? How do I even- fuck it.

He chucks the thing at MADS, which YANKS him around and RESTRAINS HIM in a CREEPY SUBMISSIVE BONDAGE POSE.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Am I the only one getting a BDSM vibe from this? We’re courting some interesting Rule 36 content here, that’s all I’m saying.

MADS MIKKELSEN

The demon Dormammu exists in a realm outside this one, Benedict. Rule 36 does not apply in his dark, immortal dimension.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Yeah? What’s so great about this dimension?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Well, it’s dark. And, uh, immortal. And all are beholden to Dormammu’s sadistic whim. Honestly, it sounded a lot cooler when he explained it.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

So yet again a Marvel villain wants to destroy the world because fuck it, why not. Great.

Just then one of MADS'S POSSE turns out to be NOT DEFEATED and STABS CUMBERBATCH! CUMBERBATCH creates a PORTAL and escapes!

INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY WARD

CUMBERBATCH staggers around the ward, aggravating his wound, but it's not like he has a levitating cloak that would have avoided that problem.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Argh, help me, nurse! This is the Marvel Heroes Recovery wing, right?

ROSARIO DAWSON

Yes but this is the Netflix ward. You want Cinema, next one over.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Right, sorry! Arrrgh, Rachel, helllp!

(collapses)

MADS'S MINION shows up in ASTRAL FORM and attacks! CUMBERBATCH also goes ASTRAL and they start KICKING EACH OTHER'S ASTRALS! Meanwhile RACHEL shocks CUMBERBATCH'S HEART and-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Wow, the shock from the AED gave my astral form more power and energy! Therefore, if I transfer that shock to the bad guy's astral form, it will also give him more power and energy kill him!

This WORKS! Once revived, CUMBERBATCH returns to LONDON and finds CHIWETEL and TILDA.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Shit, Mads escaped the iron bondage thing. And sadly, it is One Use Only so it's now useless forever.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Wait, that subtle mark on Tilda's face, she's been secretly drawing energy from the Dark Dimension! And even though it doesn't seem to have had any other side-effects, that makes her JUST as bad as the eternal pain-demon who's sworn to inflict centuries of untold horror and destruction!!

TILDA SWINTON

Wow, false equivalency much, douchebag?

MADS MIKKELSEN

(walking in)

Hi, I'm back to fight some more!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Well that was some graceful plot advancement. But to spare the city collateral damage, let's do THIS entire fight in the INCEPTION DIMENSION!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Great idea, but for some reason Mads is way more powerful in this dimension. Even though Tilda herself ALSO chose to fight him in the Inception Dimension, back in the cold open. Well, off we go!

EXT. SUPER INCEPTION TRIPPIN' BALLS PARKOUR FUCKING WHAAAAAT SEQUENCE

MADS and the MIKKELSMEN chase CHIWETEL and CUMBERBATCH!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Must create portal to escape! Must always create new portal juuuust far enough away that we don’t reach it in time!

MADS MIKKELSEN

Must overload screen with vertigo-riffic special effects! Must distract audience from realizing they're watching a glorified foot chase straight out of a 1970s cop show!

TILDA SWINTON

Must bravely enter the fray and sacrifice myself, to fulfill mandatory story structure!

(stabbed)

Arrrrghh!!

INT. HOSPITAL

They portal TILDA back to the HOSPITAL but it's TOO LATE!! She DIEEEEES!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Damn. There was nothing we could do. Quick, we've got to get to Hong Kong!

EXT. HONG KONG

They portal to the HONG KONG SANCTUM but it's TOO LATE!!! It's BLOWN UP and BENEDICT WONG is DEEEAD!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Wait! There's something we can do! I can use the Eye of Agamotto... to rewind... time! ARRRGHHHHH

GHOST OF TILDA SWINTON

Couldn't do this ONE SCENE ago, could you. Asshat.

(vanishes)

Events start flowing BACKWARDS and BENEDICT WONG becomes NOT DEAD!!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Well shit. If we get out of this, I guess your job from now on will be sitting in a sealed box with the Eye 24-7, emerging only to reverse anything bad that ever happens?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Except even though you're sending me back in time, my brain is still working forwards-wise, so I can double-reverse my timestream and resume moving forwards within the backwards of what the fuuuuuuuuck

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Dude, we can fall back on the classic excuse, a wizard did it! But this time, literally! Don't stress out.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Well this backwards-motion is cute and all, but I just noticed Earth is getting sucked into the Ditko Dimension. Any thoughts?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Yes, but not gonna share them! After two hours of people trying to teach me "It's not all about you", I'm gonna defeat the Big Bad all alone with no help! And to make it even MORE not about me, I'll also provide the voice of Dormammu, for real!

CUMBERBATCH flies up into the DITKO DIMENSION to confront DORMAMMBATCH.

DORMAMMBATCH

Oh wow, I'm a big disembodied glowy face. In the comics I'm a flame-headed kung-fu alien, why does Marvel insist on making their Big Bads boring as fuck? Anyway, bwah ha ha, you are doomed, etc.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

A-ha, I’ve trapped you in a time loop! If you kill Mads and leave Earth alone, I shall release you.

DORMAMMBATCH

But I’m an immortal being and you’re a human. If I let this play out, you’ll surely go mad loooong before I would.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Guess I'm counting on you having the patience of a spoiled baby.

DORMAMMBATCH

Fuck you!

(smushes Cumberbatch)

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Oh my God! They killed Benny!

BENEDICT WONG

You bastards!

EXT. NEXT ITERATION OF THE TIME LOOP

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

So are you bored of seeing the same thing over and over yet?

DORMAMMBATCH

Nah, I love Marvel movies.

(smushes Cumberbatch)

EXT. NEXT ITERATION

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Had enough?

DORMAMMBATCH

Torturing humans for all eternity was my whole plan. This is like crack to me!

(smushes Cumberbatch)

EXT. NEXT ITERATION

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

How about now?

DORMAMMBATCH

Damn, I've run out of PG ways to kill you. Guess you win.

MADS and his CIRQUE DE SORCIERES get sucked into the DITKO DIMENSION and everyone is saved!

EXT. STREETS OF HONG KONG

CUMBERBATCH, CHIWETEL, and WONG collect themselves and savor their mutual victory.

BENEDICT WONG

Oh please. We're all Brits here, we're SAVOURING it.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Well, the pure evil corrupto-demon pinkie-swore to never be mean to us again, so no worries there! Now there's three of us, and three Sanctums to protect, that works out nicely.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I can’t team up with you! You’ve upset the natural order of things.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Um, an arrogant white dude appropriated a foreign culture and saved everything. Sounds like the natural order of things to me.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

NO NO NO! Sure I've spent years with my floating boots and magic portals and everything, but now we've gone and SAVED LIVES and RESCUED ALL HUMANITY and DONE GOOD and shit?!? THAT'S GOING TOO FAR!

(flees)

BENEDICT WONG

So who's gonna look after the third Sanct-

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

DEAL WITH THAT LATER, I MUST SILENTLY WINDOW-BROOD NOW

(broods at window)

Oh, for all I have gained, my hands are still gross and shaky. I may be Sorceror Supreme but I'll never be Surgeon General now...

(thinks)

Though I guess I could still operate on people, and if I fuck up, rewind time, until I get it right. Or prep for surgery, and fast-FORWARD time to where the patient is healed! Or rewind patients until BEFORE they're even injured! Or--

END

INT. BONUS SCENE - SANCTUM SANCTORUM SWANKY SITTING SALON

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

So how can I help you---CHRIS HEMSWORTH?!?!???!!!!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well met, Batch of Cumber. Hiddleston and I are searching for Hopkins, can you help?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

What? The big cliffhanger at the end of Thor 2 was that Hiddleston had assumed Hopkins's identity! Did we just utterly spoilerfuck that, just for the sake of a little crossover bonus scene??

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh right, the big Thor cliffhanger everyone was SOOOOOO hung up on, yeah.

(chugs beer)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Well if we're going to be like that about it....

INT. BONUS BONUS SCENE - AVENGERS MANSION

BRIE LARSON

Phew, what a crazy Infinity War, huh Rocket? Sure was shocking when Cap and Luke and Quake got killed. Good thing Strange sent Spidey & Jessica back to tell 1940s Agent Carter about Ghost Rider's Time Gem so they could save everyone! Cheers, Squirrel Girl!

The END CREDITS provide a helpful message that DISTRACTED DRIVING is DANGEROUS, in case that point wasn't made sufficiently CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR earlier.

INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE

BENJAMIN BRATT is futzing around with

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(barging in)

Oh gosh sorry we missed your basketball game, we were too busy FIGHTING AND DYING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION BUT I GUESS THEY'RE EQUALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT, GOD FORBID YOU MISS YOUR GODDAMN PICK-UP FUCKING BASKETBALL GAME FOR SOME TRIVIAL SHIT LIKE THE FATE OF HUMANITY

(zaps Bratt through portal)

Enjoy the prematurely-cancelled-ABC-spinoff dimension, dickhead.

END