INT. QUEENS APARTMENT THAT A SINGLE-PARENT HOUSEHOLD HAS NO RIGHT TO AFFORD IN THIS ECONOMY

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES wakes up in a panic. He is late for his new school at GOOD LOOKING AND SMART TEENS HIGH.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I am late!

(sees an absolute smoking fox in the kitchen)

Wow, Mary Jane, you are a tad bit older than me, but I think we can make the age gap work.

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

Peter, I am your Aunt May.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Oh, how silly of me. Of course, you are my aunt. At this rate, the next Spider-Man will have Megan Fox as the aunt and the Cocomelon baby as Peter Parker.

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

I need to head over to the office. Don't be late for school.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Do you mean your obvious career as a Hot Yoga instructor? Now I know how we can afford this apartment in Queens.

EXT. OUTSIDE GOOD LOOKING AND SMART TEENS HIGH

KARI WAHLGREN drops PETER off at school.

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

Have a great day at school. I am so proud you made it into this prestigious school.

(unlocks the door)

Wow, many of your new classmates want to hug me. Strange.

HUDSON "PETER" PARKER

Sometimes, I think about Uncle Ben, who I assume would be played by Chris Hemsworth to match your aesthetics. My last memory of him was when he gave me this huge pep talk, which I thought would be incredibly appropriate for someone with powers.

GRACE "NICO" SONG introduces herself to HUDSON.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Mary Jane! I see they are letting Asian actresses have a crack at her. I am down for that.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

I am Nico Monoru, one of the Marvel Runaways who had a series on Hulu.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

We're just hitting shuffle on a list of Marvel characters, aren't we?

A giant green hole emerges from the sky. DOCTOR STRANGE chases a VENOMOUS MONSTER.

DOCTOR STRANGE

This isn't right. How did I get here? Why is Aunt May such a smokeshow?

A SPIDER descends from the sky. It has the POWER to SHORTEN ORIGIN STORIES. You will never guess who gets bitten by the spider.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Ahhhh, a spider bit me on the back of the neck. Based on this moment, I should make some snap judgments on the new trajectory of my life.

EXT. SCENE WHERE PETER MAKES A BUNCH OF DECLARATIONS AND COMMITMENTS TO SUPER HERODOM OFF SCREEN-DELETED SCENE

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I have new powers. I am dedicating my life to fighting crime. My sworn duty will be to stop pickpockets, ATM thieves, and vehicle accidents. This is my new lot in life that will absolutely not interfere with my original plans.

(beat)

Also, I have unlimited access to the webbing.

BACK TO: WHAT MADE IT INTO THE ORIGINAL CUT

INT. GOOD-LOOKING AND SMART TEENS HIGH

HUDSON has a new outlook on life. He saves ZENO ROBINSON from a head-on collision with a vehicle as SPIDER-MAN. Tons of STEAMPUNK NERDS start ordering fabrics and goggles to construct his costume.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Mary Jane?

ZENO "HARRY" ROBINSON

Nope, we are not going that route. I am Harry Osborn.

LATER AT SCHOOL:

CATHY "PEARL" ANG greets HUDSON and GRACE.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Let me guess, you must be Thundra. No, wait…don't tell me, Doctor Minerva. The blonde from Howard the Duck, perhaps?

CATHY "PEARL" ANG

I am Pearl Panang. Isn't it obvious? I used to babysit you.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Hot aunt. Gorgeous babysitter. I think someone torrented the wrong Spider-Man show.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD adds himself to the introductions.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

And who can forget the iconic high school kid, Lonnie Lincoln? Is it all right if I ask Mary Jane out over there?

CATHY "PEARL" ANG

It's Pearl.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

I'm not Flash Thompson so what does it matter?

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Fine, since iconic names mean Jack, you can call me Ben Reilly.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

Calm down, Peter. This is all part of the multiverse. Everything is different.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

Did you hear about the Sokovia Accords, which put Captain America and Ironman at odds with one another? Some kind of Civil War. They had a face-off at an airport in Germany. I think it was over the incident with Ultron. The incident occurred right after Loki invaded New York.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

Okay, so 99.9% of this world is the same.

INT. QUEENS APARTMENT THAT A SINGLE-PARENT HOUSEHOLD HAS NO RIGHT TO AFFORD IN THIS ECONOMY

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN is sitting with COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO.

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

Good news, Peter. Norman Osborne wants you to join his company for an internship.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

The audience's villain sense is tingling. Are you DaFoe?

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

I am a massive supporter of Spider-Man. I am clearly DaFan. I want you to work at Oscorp, where you will work in 1 of 4 different science fields: Spider-Man Biology, Spider-Man Tech, Spider-Man Energy, or Spider-Man Women's Studies.

INT. INTERNSHIP AT OSCORP

PAUL F. TOMPKINS is the professor in charge of the internship.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

It's good to see your improv career really took off. Who else can say they played the prestigious role of Internship Director of Oscorp?

Also, AMADEUS CHO and other EASTER EGGS are in the room. Don't worry; they have no purpose.

HUDSON hears about a fire on the PLOT PROGRESSION CHANNEL and excuses himself.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I need to go to the bathroom and check out my Peter Tingle.

(runs away)

INT. BURNING BUILDING

HUDSON is fighting a villain with a FLAME THROWER.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Well, well, well, my old nemesis. The Flamer? Flaming Man? Flaming Cheetoh? Hot Pants Man?

THE FLAMER

I will destroy everything you love, Flash.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I think you are in the wrong universe.

THE FLAMER

Dang, I took a wrong turn at Nicholas Cage Superman.

HUDSON notices a strange branding on THE FLAMER'S GUN.

INT. OSBORNE'S OFFICE

COLMAN DOMINGO reveals his true scheme to HUDSON.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

I know you are Spider-Man, Peter. You got dressed in front of a camera. You have Spider-Man underwear, thermos, and matching bed sheets. Because I know this secret, I will become like one of those dads who gets too involved in their son's hobbies. I already made matching Spider-Man shirts for us to wear in public.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I miss Tony Stark's hands-off parenting.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Nonsense, there is nothing weird about an adult CEO getting way too into a teenager's life. Now go to the back room and I will help you dress in your new costume. What kind of suit do you want?

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Something that represents the diversity and inclusion this show has experienced.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

White costume it is.

WHITER-MAN THEME SONG

Whiter-Man, Whiter-Man. He can do what a...

INT. THUG JOINT

EUGENE BYRD is checking on his KID BROTHER when he meets the feared and revered gang leader LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT.

LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT

No one leaves the 110th Street Gang. You are now a member for life.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

Wow, and here I thought AIM, Hydra, The Hand, and Serpent Society were tough, but a bunch of teenagers in a warehouse with pocket knives take the cake.

EXT. THE STREETS AT NIGHT

HUDSON-MAN is fighting a SPEEDSTER and a SWISS ARMY GLOVE WOMAN.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

You must be late for your Flash series audition. You need to take a left…

The SPEEDSTER and SWISS ARMY GLOVE WOMAN attempt to break every bone in HUDSON'S body, but he can take it because he has the bones of a SPIDER!

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Seriously, is there a clearance sale on no-name Marvel characters? Are we just using them to keep the copyright?

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Peter! I am inside your headset. You don't mind if I helicopter-parent you for a bit? By the way, I put a camera in every dressing room in the city, so I know when you are changing into Spider-Man.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Are you sure you don't want to hunt me down and kill me? That seems preferable.

HUDSON notices the SPEEDSTER and SWISS ARMY GLOVE WOMAN have the same insignia on their weapons.

INT. GOOD-LOOKING AND SMART TEENS HIGH

GRACE SONG is sad that HUDSON is neglecting his friends so selfish New York citizens can live longer.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

How original! It's another plot about Peter's inability to multitask with friends and family while being a superhero. Anyway, I will head over to my stage production with Bruce Campbell as an usher.

EXT. AT THE CORNER OF GANG FIGHT AND CRIME STREET

LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT is prepping his gang to fight THE SCORPIONS.

LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT

Are you ready to fight to the death in this turf war? We need to fight Mac Gargan, the leader of the Scorpions. That guy loves Scorpions so much he wants to dress in all green and have a giant green weiner tube out of his back.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

He certainly loves Scorpions if he is doing that. You should know I am abandoning a promising pro football career for this dangerous street fight.

(thinks)

On second thought, there's less chance of getting a concussion if I am here.

EUGENE saves LEILANI from being stabbed.

LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT

You are alright, kid? I will name you in the spirit of Sony's Spider Villainverse. How about Dead-And-Buried?

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

Shorten it to Tombstone, and you will have a deal.

EXT. STREETS AT NIGHT 2

MILA MASARYK meets up with DOCTOR OTTO and acquires a special helmet with lasers coming out of a horn. She then breaks her RUSSIAN FRIENDS out of prison. Luckily, HUDSON was listening to the All Russian Prisoner Channel.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Well, look who it is, The Rhino.

MILA MASARYK

Don't associate me with Kraven. Call me The Unicorn.

INT. THE MOVIES

HUDSON and GRACE are going into a movie theater when ZENO ROBINSON shows up.

ZENO "HARRY" ROBINSON

Hey Peter, my new bestie. Mind if I tag along? I won't be any nuisance. I will ask you some normal best friend questions like, Why does my dad not love me? Can we play catch in the backyard?

INT. MAKE MARVEL GREAT AGAIN GALA

SECRETARY ROSS and COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO are sharing EASTER EGGS.

SECRETARY ROSS

(looking very un-Harrison Ford)

Mr. Osborne, the Sokovia Accords could use your support. Do you have any experimental boys in costumes you could spare?

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Let me get my best friend Spider-Man on the phone.

EXT. OSCORP ROOF

CHARLIE COX, THE DAREDEVIL, is caught sneaking into Oscorp. HUDSON gets into a fight.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Wow, you have great foresight. You are a real vision. You always see me coming. The minute you laid eyes on me you knew what to do. It is a sight to behold.

CHARLIE COX

You are a dork.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

What are you doing in a series with so many obscure names?

CHARLIE COX

Getting to the plot. Osborne can't be trusted.

AUDIENCE

(gasps in disbelief)

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Let me explain what Charlie Cox just said. It is Otto Octavius who is the real terrorist. He is supplying enemies with illegal tech. I bet he is putting some scorpion-loving fool in a green suit with a wiener tail right now. You need to find him, Peter. He is trying to harness the power of the sun with gamma radiation.

(checks off nostalgia bingo)

EXT. PARKING GARAGE

GRACE "NICO" SONG finds out HUDSON is SPIDER-MAN.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

I can't believe Peter is Spider-Man and he didn't tell me. I established we were best friends in every episode despite not showing it.

ZENO "HARRY" ROBINSON

Are you jealous that a spider fell on him?

GRACE "NICO" SONG

No, the lazy writing is hinting at my tarot-based superpower.

INT. 110TH STREET GANG WAREHOUSE

LEILANI "BIG DONOVAN" BARRETT is with EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD. His new gang leveled up with GUNS. CATHY "PEARL" ANG shows up to confront her boyfriend. SUDDENLY, THE SCORPION crashes into the building and starts PG-KILLING gang members with his anatomically correct tail.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

All my friends are here. It's time for an epic fight.

(shoots tons of webbing like every fight)

THE SCORPION

Having trouble beating me, maybe you should take a stab at it.

(stabs Spider-Man)

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

I don't feel so good, Mr. Osborne.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Spider-Man, I can save you with my green-colored and goblin-shaped flying scooter. Don't worry. I have not added the extra evil upgrade yet.

INT. MONTAGE OF VARIOUS PLACES

HUDSON walks out of the hospital, beaten up and stabbed. His work friends have mild concern for him.

ZEHRA FAZAL

Peter, our renewable energy project was a success. Now, if only there were a cure for this missing arm. Anyway, I am just going to mess around with this energy while Oscorp brings in these radioactive spiders and reptiles. With great power comes great scientific messes.

CATHY "PEARL" ANG

Peter, now that my boyfriend is a thug for a very low-budget gang, would you mind if I increased our romantic tension? With great power comes great flirting.

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

I am so angry that the Scorpion tried to kill me. I oughta give him a piece of my mind. With great power comes great character motivations.

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

Peter, I want you to know I will always be there for you. With great power comes Aunt May Fanfics.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

Peter, I am beginning to think that grooming a high school freshman was a mistake. You need to have more of a killer's edge. Only tough guys can shrug off stabbings. Remember, with great power comes great respect.

AUDIENCE

(gasps)

EXT. WAREHOUSE WHERE EVIL HAS A 3-YEAR LEASE

DOCTOR OTTO uses TENTACLES hanging from a ceiling to PG-kill SWAT FODDER. He escapes only to find IRONMAN waiting in the alley.

DOCTOR OTTO

I didn't prepare for outside self-defense. If only those tentacles were portable. Curses!

EXT. WEST MASSACHUSETTES…JUST KIDDING IT'S THE STREETS OF NYC

EUGENE BYRD and LEILANI BARRETT are about to rob an OSBORN TRUCK with weapons when THE SCORPION appears with his gang. HUDSON THAMES appears in the nick of time.

THE SCORPION

Two episodes are left. Let's get some bad-guy closure.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

This time, I am not going to hold back. I will enforce the full power of a spider in my punches. Every thwack and krak will make you afraid of spiders and all their strong-arm fisticuffs they are known for.

(beats up Scorpion and almost kills him a la No Way Home)

EUGENE "LONNIE" BYRD

(getting gassed in the truck)

A weird canister of CHARACTER ARC JUICE is making me as tough and strong as some kind of grave marker in a graveyard.

INT.SECRET LAB

COLMAN DOMINGO shows the lab interns what they have been secretly working on this whole time.

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

When put together, all your projects make a wormhole into space. We shall visit alternate dimensions at light speed.

(beat)

When we aren't doing that, we inject bodily fluids from Peter Parker into spiders. We have a very weird business philosophy.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

This was our endgame!? Osborne's intern labs take up a few rooms at most. What do the other 50 floors in this building do?

COLMAN "OSBORNE" DOMINGO

The other 49 floors are accounting and lawyers. You'd be surprised how much room they need.

DOCTOR STRANGE

(flies in whenever he pleases)

You cannot open this wormhole. It will automatically bring cosmic solicitors to your door. It's worse than warranty extenders.

COLMAN DOMINGO gaslights the crap out of DOCTOR STRANGE and convinces him that he is the real DICTATOR, and that he should be grateful OSCORP helps him at all. THE PORTAL OPENS, and the VENOM MONSTER from EPISODE ONE comes back. DOCTOR STRANGE lassos the monster into a wormhole along with a radioactive spider, and they return to…

EXT. OUTSIDE GOOD LOOKING AND SMART TEENS HIGH

IT'S A FULL CIRCLE. HUDSON gets involved with DOCTOR STRANGE and the VENOM MONSTER. Cue the ORIGIN STORY.

BACK TO SCENE:

INT. SECRET LAB

DOCTOR STRANGE brings back THE VENOM MONSTER to the present. HUDSON and DOCTOR STRANGE shut down the wormhole just in time to let a single bit of black ooze in. TAKE NOTES VENOM SERIES!!!

HUDSON "PARKER" THAMES

More timeline garbage? Can we ever let it go???

DOCTOR STRANGE

We either do a timeline bit or Quantumania. Consider yourself lucky, kid.

MEANWHILE:

ZEHRA FAZAL

(still messing around with lizards in the next room, probably)

EXT.SERIES OF PLOT HOOKS FOR SEASON 2

HUDSON talks to DOCTOR STRANGE on one of NYC's many construction sites.

DOCTOR STRANGE

You did okay, kid. The future is going to be bright for you.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

What should I know about the future?

DOCTOR STRANGE

Be good to Feige, and you will be fine.

GRACE SONG is doing HOT TOPICS stuff in her room with candles and EGYPTIAN SYMBOLS. The beacon on her necklace lights up.

GRACE "NICO" SONG

I honestly had no purpose in this series but to give Hudson anxiety.

ZENO "HARRY" ROBINSON

I will start my engineering firm that helps Spider-Man fight crimes. It's called WEB.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Your dad betrayed me, but I don't foresee this partnership blowing up in my face.

KARI WAHLGREEN visits a MYSTERIOUS MAN in prison.

MYSTERIOUS PRISONER

Daaaaang! Mary Jane, you look fine…

KARI "MAY" WAHLGREN

Ewww! We are brother and sister. You are Peter's dad.

MYSTERIOUS PRISONER

It's prison. I've had worse.

DOCTOR OTTO is given pencils and construction paper in prison. He uses the GENIUS IDEA to hot glue the robot arms to his back.

HUDSON "PETER" THAMES

Well, folks. There you have it! We took the graphics from Jet Grind Radio and the ideas from the failed Spider-Man animated series on MTV and made the third-best animated Spider-Man behind Enter the Spider-verse and the PS5 games.

(collects paycheck)

KEVIN FEIGE

(goes into Disney's back room and starts milking the Marvel cow for the second season)

END