EXT. X-MEN MANSION- ESTABLISHING SHOT

CHARLES XAVIER

Hello true believers, I am Charles Xavier, the Martin Luther King Jr. of mutant rights and I am soooo dead. That's right, I was killed in '96 and everyone knows that when a Marvel character dies they stay dead. Don't expect me to come back... no siree. I am gone... finito... worm food. But before I left this earth, I gave my entire mutant school to a terrorist who has threatened the Earth many times. Don't worry. I made him apologize before signing the will.

CYCLOPS

Hi, I am the two-eyed Cyclops, the leader of the X-Men. No really... I am. Why are you laughing? I have so many leader qualities: 90s quips, righteous indignation, rushing into danger with no foresight, and lasers. Let me catch you up to speed. In 1996 many pivotal things happened: The NWO was formed in WCW and OJ did that crime. Also, one of our deadliest foes dropped a woke bomb on New York making our African mutants blacker, Jubilee more Asian, and our least favorite mutants genderless. We are still living in the fallout.

GAMBIT

Hey mon ami, I am Gambit, the mutant with the power to take my shirt off in public without backlash. I am a snack! My purpose is to constantly catcall Rogue, and Jubilee, and Storm, and Jean, and Morph.

ROGUE

Hi sugah, I am Rogue, the most popular female in Marvel history. Ask your dad to look at the fanart he drew of me. I make Captain Marvel look like a one legged cat on a freeway made of dynamite. I say southern things like that because I am so charming and everyone loves people from the south. It is 1997 and racism hasn't been invented yet.

JEAN GREY

Hi, Jean here. You might remember me as the mutant that Fox Films has to kill every third or fourth movie. I am preggers in this one. We still have the same ethical cartoon standards we had in the 90s so Cyclops didn't use seed to pregnant me he used lasers.

CYCLOPS

I lasered you good.

JUBILEE

I am quirky. The end.

WOLVERINE

Grumble grumble grumble stab everyone grumble grumble grumble gut Gambit grumble grumble eviscerate Storm.

STORM

Oh Wolverine... such a sweet talker. I am Storm, the goddess of the mutants. I provide the after school morals to the group. My strongest message is: your most important value lies in the way you were born... especially if you can control the weather.

MORPH

I am [insert lifestyle that angers conservatives].

CHARLES XAVIER

Before I die forever, WINK WINK, let me remind you that this is a new era of X-Men. We still have the sweet guitar opening that rocks so hard it will restore your virginity. But it is a new age for X-Men and we are starting off with...

(reads script)

Loosely veiled parallels to 1960s segregation. Genius!

INSERT the most rocking theme song in the history of Saturday morning cartoons. Everyone's body resets to PRE-PUBERTY.

INT. WAREHOUSE WHERE EVIL HAPPENS

GUYS WITH MULLETS have SENTINEL LASERS and they want to shoot MUTIES.

MULLET

Let's shoot up dem muties. Shoot'em real good.

MULLET 2

Thank Gawd for Murica, Freedom, and 8 round mag Sentinel tech.

The X-MEN rush in and NEGOTIATE THE F out of the MULLETS. SPATTERS of PEACE BROKERING spray everywhere. OPEN DISCUSSIONS break windows and destroy walls.

CYCLOPS

Equality for all.

GAMBIT

(removes shirt)

INT. CYCLOPS'S LEADING ROOM OF LEADERSHIP

CYCLOPS introduces some new villains.

CYCLOPS

We need a tough bad guy who will give us a run for our money.

(thinks)

How about the scrawny and weak punching bag, Bolivar Trask?

JEAN GREY

I am getting a vision. We need to stop Trask or the world will be taken over by the... Mold Man.

CYCLOPS

Sorry who?!? Do you mean Master Mold?

JEAN GREY

Master Mold, Mold Man, Mold-O, whatever.

CYCLOPS

We have 100 omega level villains and THAT'S who we picked???

WOLVERINE

Grumble grumble grumble grumble remove Jean's teeth and make a necklace grumble grumble grumble.

JEAN GREY

I hate when Wolverine hits on me.

GAMBIT

(removes shirt)

INT. XAVIER'S OFFICE

MAGNETO has wavy white hair provided by FRUCTIS.

MAGNETO

Professor X gave me the full rights to the mansion and the school. I own the rights to X-Men. Disney is giving me a 3 movie deal to reboot it.

BEAST

He is right. Professor Xavier wrote it in crayon right below his signature.

CYCLOPS

With all the schooling and education we do here that will surely upset our curriculum.

Everyone laughs.

ROGUE

(takes off gloves)

Finally a man who can touch me without me zapping him into a vegetable.

GAMBIT

(removes shirt angrily)

INT. HALL OF JUSTICE

LAME BOOMERS WHO VOTE AGAINST YOUTH are holding a trial against MAGNETO because of some dumb event where he committed GENOCIDE.

SENATOR LAME FACE

You killed more people than Loki and Thanos combined. That is kind of illegal.

MAGNETO

(throws jury into the vacuum of space)

But I am a changed man.

REMAINING JURY THAT IS ALIVE

Not guilty.

ANGRY MOB TERRORISTS Storm the court. Now we have angry RACISTS who support SOUTHERN POLITICS ripped from the HEADLINES. Exactly what tweens were hoping for in their cartoon.

STORM

(gets lasered)

I lost my Mutant powers. Everything valuable about me is gone! Now I am worthless. It is not the inside that counts!!!

ROGUE

This is worse than a puppy with ear cancer in a tornado filled with acidic barbed wire.

GAMBIT

(removes shirt sympathetically)

INT. ST. HOSPITAL

JEAN is in labor. WOLVERINE commits manslaughter to drive her to the hospital. He can handle MUTANT CONCENTRATION CAMPS but not an infant leaving the uterus.

JEAN GREY

(holding baby)

I wonder if he has mutant powers.

CYCLOPS

Let's call him Cable and team him up with Deadpool.

WOLVERINE

grumble grumble grumble decapitate Cyclops grumble grumble grumble poop in his head cavity

JEAN GREY

That was a beautiful Robert Frost poem, Wolverine.

INT. MAGNETO'S OFFICE

MAGNETO is finishing his DEVIANT ART of ROGUE.

ROGUE

I know Gambit has a thing for me... and Storm... and Jean... and Jubilee... and Beast, so I need to stay faithful to him, but it's you I want to touch.

MAGNETO

Sure.

GAMBIT

(removes shirt sadly)

INT. X-MANSION HELL

JEAN GREY... is evil and making the X-MEN see visions of HELL. No, not EURO DISNEY.

JEAN GREY

Mister Sinister took over my mind. I am also a clone of Jean named Madelene Pryor. I am also in Hot Topics revealing wear that gives Rogue a run for her money.

GAMBIT

I am suddenly appreciating Jean for her personality and character.

REAL JEAN GREY shows up and does her CLEAR EVERYTHING WITH A MENTAL BLAST.

MISTER SINISTER

I want your baby Cable. He is the only link to Deadpool and that is making money in 2024.

CYCLOPS

Why not take Wolverine? He is a walking money pot.

WOLVERINE

Grumble grumble grumble destroy Magneto's bathroom after Taco Bell grumble grumble.

MISTER SINISTER

There's something different about him. He just doesn't feel like a "huge jacked man" anymore.

MADELYN PRYOR

Welp, I am a clone. I am going to leave my life behind and abandon everything I remember. Good luck, Scott. Also, for giggles, I am putting our baby into the unknown future.

JEAN GREY

Hey Cyclops, I am the new Jean. Let's resume our marriage. Hey, who is that little baby that looks like you?

INT. VIDEO GAME LEVEL

It's JUBILEE'S birthday. She gets stuck inside a game with ROBERTO.

JUBILEE

I am quirky.

That is all you need to know.

EXT. KENTUCKY OR TENNESEE OR MOUNTAIN LAND

FORGE is helping STORM get her powers back.

FORGE

I actually can't and I am a mutant racist ally.

STORM

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

INT. GENOSHA - GALA

THIS EPISODE. WOW! So much happened. Cue the EMMYs for this mega FEELS FEST.

ANNOUNCER

Previously on the X-Men. Cyclops has confused hormones for Jean Grey original recipe instead of Jean Grey Madelyn Pryor edition. Jean tries her luck with Wolverine and Gambit. Wolverine rejects her because of a romantic vow he made with a deer carcass. Jean falls over a lot with psychic powers. Magneto plays it cool with his new relationship with Rogue by asking her to be the Queen of Genosha. She returns to Gambit looking for mutie seconds.

GAMBIT

And then I friendzoned the mon ami.

(takes off shirt triumphantly)

ANNOUNCER

And now here is a mutant prom with more relationship drama than One Tree Hill and Sex in the City combined.

CABLE

(running)

Am I too late to introduce the dramatic apocalypse scene? Everyone is going to die. Oh, hi mom.

MADELYN PRYOR

(as son fades away)

Don't forget to clean the dishessssssssssssssss...

(he fades)

SUPER MEGA KAIJU SENTINELS start blowing stuff up. EVERYONE on GENOSHA dies. YUP. EVERY. ONE.

MAGNETO

They are made out of metal this should be ea....

(dies)

GAMBIT

I have glowing cards that should fare bett...

(dies much cooler)

ROGUE

(tears and grief)

This is worse than a raccoon's cousin on a Saturday during a trip to the grenade testing factory after Labor Day.

INT. SHI'AR EMPIRE SUMMIT

PROFESSOR X is now married to QUEEN LILLANDRA of the SHI'AR EMPIRE.

PROFESSOR X

That was an amazing R&R vacation on this planet. Thank you for healing all my wounds.

LILLANDRA

Hold on, buddy. We are married now. I need you to help us get out of a brutal and devastating war with the Kree that will cost millions and ruin our democracy. Also, you need to pick up the little ones from play group.

PROFESSOR X

(holding his head)

What's that my X-Men? You need me? I will be there, right away.

(to Lillandra)

Sorry Lill, I'm going back to my X, if you know what I mean.

LILLANDRA

(seething to herself)

They told me to not marry an American, but did I listen? Nooooooo.

INT. BASTION'S HQ

BASTION reveals his master GAME PLAN. He is going to turn humans into evolved robot people.

BASTION

Surprise! it was me the whole time. I am working with Mr. Sinister and a bunch of other [insert 40 Easter eggs] to have my evil plan be realized. I even have Magneto in the next room, mere feet away from me. A mutant who can destroy metallic robots with a thou... you know what? I am kind of stupid.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

JEAN and CYCLOPS figure out a bunch of stuff at the ELEVENTH HOUR. PROFESSOR X is alive, almost all HOMO SAPIENS have BASTION'S ROBOT POWERS, and that a second season is well on its way.

CYCLOPS

Bastion's robot people are attacking and destroying things. Seems kind of farfetched that he got a whole army around the world when the robot surgery is very time consuming and he can only transform three people at a time.

JEAN GREY

Don't look at me... the mutant that makes things logical died in Genosha.

The next few scenes of action and destruction feature MANY MANY EASTER EGGS that are TEN TIMES EASTIER and EGGIER than all the OTHER EASTER EGGS in MARVEL HISTORY. Seriously, SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME can go suck an egg.

MAGNETO

(looks at watch)

I haven't committed genocide in a hot minute.

(reverses the polarity of the earth killing lots and lots of people)

INT. THE X-MANSION

PROFESSOR X

Sup fam, I am back. What did I miss?

ROGUE

The next phase of evolution, massive bigotry and hatred, learning to tolerate people, etc.

PROFESSOR X

So I missed...nothing? I guess I can go back to my mission of uniting people, giving hope, and righting injustices.

BEAU DEMAYO

So Disney is going to hire me back then for season 2?

PROFESSOR X

(makes Beau DeMayo forget he works here)

JEAN GREY

We need to split up. One team to stop Magneto on his magical floating asteroid, and one team to stop Bastion who magically didn't die from the polarity reversing because a mutant named Plot Armor saved him.

STORM

(just coming through the door)

I forgot to mention that I have my weather changing powers back because a mythological Native American crow tried to peck at me. Forge and I are now make out buddies.

Everyone gets into their classic DLC UNLOCKABLE COSTUME to complete the EASTER EGGENING.

EXT. BASTION'S EVIL ISLAND OF RACISM

STORM and FORGE are flying the X-Jet closer to the island for the FINAL CONFRONTATION.

STORM

Hooray, my powers are back

(gets gravely wounded)

JEAN GREY and CABLE are fighting MISTER SINISTER.

JEAN GREY

Oh no, Cable has been turned into a slave of Mister Sinister. My sweet little boy. My tender baby. My adorable little rug rat.

CABLE

Seriously, mom. I am seventy years old and I am a member of AARP.

JEAN GREY explodes from a PROJECTILE WAR with CABLE.

BASTION

That was easy.

STORM

I'm back.

JEAN PHOENIX GREY

I'm back too.

(destroys everyone)

BASTION

Frick! Can't anyone die in this stupid series? Do I need to force an asteroid to level the earth?

ULTRON

My movie sucked. Go right ahead.

INT. ASTEROID M BY PREPARATION H

ROGUE and ROBERTO (AKA SUNSPOT) (AKA NOBODY CARES) have sided with MAGNETO, but none of that matters because they side right back with PROFESSOR X in like two seconds.

PROFESSOR X

Don't do this, Magnus. Think about our dreams. Think about our goals.

MAGNETO

I do not believe in co-existence with homo sapiens. I never did. How many people do I have to kill to get that through your bald head?

PROFESSOR X

No, I mean the dream where we make this series as an apology for Dark Phoenix, New Mutants, and Apocalypse.

MAGNETO

Fine. You can meddle with my brain and force me to change things back, but you are not allowed to look at my memories of Rogue Deviant Art.

WOLVERINE

(disemboweling Magneto)

Grumble grumble Gonna sell your spleen on eBay. Grumble grumble.

MAGNETO

Stop your strong logical arguments, Logan.

(he removes Wolverine's metal skeleton like playdoh going through a small tube)

CYCLOPS

I have good news. The US government is going to stop Magneto from sending the asteroid crashing to earth. They are going to do it by blowing the asteroid out of orbit and sending it hurtling toward earth. Wait...that is incredibly counter-productive.

INT. MAGNETO'S BRAIN BOAT

PROFESSOR X was able to force his will on MAGNETO and get him to reverse the polarity. Now they are trapped in MAGNETO'S BRAIN. They share a SAMWISE and FRODO at MOUNT DOOM MOMENT.

PROFESSOR X

(holding onto Magneto)

Don't do this Mister Magnus. Remember the good times. Remember the Shire. Remember the second breakfast. Remember the Alamo. Remember the Titans.

MAGNETO

IF I SIDE WITH YOU WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!????

BACK TO SCENE:

BASTION

Hey, I just reserved space on the moon for a punch fest. Who is with me?

BASTION squeezes in a powerful SLUG FEST. THINGS EXPLODE. BODIES FLY EVERYWHERE. CABLE CRIES FOR HIS MOMMY AND DADDY. JUBILEE is quirky. A COMMERCIAL about dog food plays every FREAKIN' two minutes because I am TOO POOR for PREMIUM DISNEY.

BASTION

You can never beat me. I am MEGA SUPER SAIYAN BASTION!

SENTINEL

(Splats him like the Monty Python Foot)

BASTION

Yup. That will do it. I am done.

CYCLOPS

I think we learned our lesson about genocidal psychopaths. Let's extend him membership to the X-Men.

MAGNETO comes to his senses and stops the GIANT ASTEROID from hitting earth. The asteroid explodes, but everyone is safe...except all the mutants on the asteroid. They are all dead. Super dead. They are never coming back! This time we are serious.

BASTION

They are coming back, aren't they?

BISHOP

Yeppers! But like every comic book series turned into a TV show, we are bound by geek law to present...

BASTION

Oh no! Oh God, no!

BISHOP

Time travel and alternate realities! Booyah! See you next season, kids.

GHOST GAMBIT

(takes off shirt disappointingly)

END