FADE IN:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER, 2012

The end of THE AVENGERS, already reworked for AVENGERS ENDGAME, is further reworked to add a few more LOKI REACTION SHOTS. However the sheer amount of RETCON STRAIN tears open a TIMESTREAMING PORTAL and sends TOM HIDDLESTON hurtling into the DISNEY PLUS continuum!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Ow! Hm, I seem to have landed in a vast desert with only the Tesseract to help me. Clearly I need to immediately teleport somewhere else stake my claim to rule whatever handful of random people are nearby!

However, rectangular portals open and some TIMECOPS step through!

TOM HIDDLESTON

This should be less of a challenge than fighting a whole army of undead Asgardians...

(immediately pwned)

Fuck. Should have realized their weapons were set to "Establish Premise".

INT. TIME VARIANCE AUTHORITY HQ

TOM is restrained and taken to the TIME VARIANCE AUTHORITY, an extra-dimensional alien civilization that exists beyond our perception of time and space, and therefore looks like 1950S AMERICA.

CGI HOLOGRAM TARA STRONG

Greetings! I'm Miss Minutes, the one and only perky upbeat being in this otherwise dour and serious organization. You're here because you deviated from the Sacred Timeline which we've sworn to protect. And if you take a shot each time you hear "Sacred Timeline", please don't, we need our viewers alive. For now anyway, the AI isn't quite there yet.

TIMECOP WUNMI MOSAKU

Hop to it, variant. We need to process you for summary execution. Failure to follow any step of the process is punishable by summary execution. Failure to comply with Wallace and Gromit shoutouts is also punishable by summary execution. Now please stand trial so we can sentence you to summary execution.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Not likely! I'll use my ludicrously vague powers to-

(nothing happens)

-huh?

OWEN WILSON

(entering)

Wow! Sorry, your powers don't work here because the TVA is located in the, ah, COUGHBULLSHITWHOKNOWS dimension. Hi, I'm an agent by the name of Mobius AND THERE'S NO "R" IN THERE, PLEASE EVERYONE TAKE VERY CAREFUL NOTE THANK YOU.

TOM HIDDLESTON

This is nonsense! If anyone's committed first-degree retcon it's the Avengers, there was this whole thing where we were supposed to believe Nick Fury could have summoned Captain Marvel ANY TIME since the 1990s and-

OWEN WILSON

Nope, all that shit was SUPPOSED to happen, but you escaping Endgame was not. We have to "prune" i.e. destroy you and your whole spurious timeline. And for the record we also murdered the elevator tech who put the smaller-sized model in Avengers Tower, thus forcing Hulk to take the stairs. However! If you help me with something maybe we won't kill you.

OWEN takes TOM to a special interrogation room.

OWEN WILSON

Oh and don't try to escape, I can control the collar you're wearing to send you five seconds back in time. It's a pretty fun gimmick that totally vanishes a couple episodes in, so try to appreciate it now.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Right, so what's this thing you need help with?

OWEN WILSON

Oh it's WAY WAY too soon to get into anything like that, first I want to really get into your head. I know your whole life story too! Like that time you were D.B. Cooper!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Shit, really?!?

OWEN WILSON

Eh it sounded fun when we thought it up. But let's look at some more footage of Avengers 1, shall we? Wow! Man, some people really thought we couldn't pull that off.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well this is grand but I've pickpocketed your collar control so bye.

(vanishes)

TOM explores the TVA a bit and finds a LOWLY WORKER with a JUNK DRAWER FULL OF INFINITY STONES which is a bit of a FUCK YOU to everyone who invested in the gathering of ONE SET for the better part of TEN GODDAMN YEARS, but does establish the TVA as having SUPREME ULTIMATE BUREAUCRACY POWERS. TOM returns to the interrogation room to continue the MCU BINGEWATCH.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Shit, Mom AND Dad died? At least I finally became friends with Hemsworth, which I'm sure led to years of camaraderie and brotherly HOLY SHIT NOT EVEN ONE FULL DAY HUH? I get fucking killed like IMMEDIATELY? Can't imagine the fan uproar THAT must have caused.

(frowns, winks)

OWEN WILSON

(returning)

There you are! Wow! So yeah that's how your life was supposed to go. But you made a choice that diverged from the official timeline, making you a Variant.

TOM HIDDLESTON

I see. So any of my variants, therefore, should almost exactly resemble me, but if I'd made one different choice over the course of my life.

OWEN WILSON

It sure would seem so, especially given how we have to prune any divergent timelines really quickly before they branch too far, and destroy everything.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Meaning any variations of me that we meet, will only have the slightest of differences.

OWEN WILSON

Precisely.

(pause)

Or they could be black guys or women or alligators or Richard E. Grant because he's always fun ANYWAY how about you help me with that thing I mentioned?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Which is?

OWEN WILSON

I'm chasing a new variant of you who's super dangerous. HE'S already killed multiple Timecop squads all by HIMself and I need your HElp catching HIM before HE changes HIStory beyond HEpair.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well you've just guaranteed this unseen variant is a woman, I can tell you that much.

OWEN takes TOM on a mission that goes NOWHERE except to get more TIMECOPS killed, and gets chewed out by HEAD TIMECOP JUDGE GUGU MBATHA-RAW.

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

Oooh I oughta take you off the case, Wilson! The Mayor Timekeepers are breathing down my neck on this! That mission was a total DISASTER!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Wait, that's it! You track variants by looking for changes to the timeline. THIS variant must be hiding in spots where one additional person running around changes nothing, like immediately before massive disasters!

OWEN WILSON

So the variant could be an extra in Black Adam?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Possibly, yes!

OWEN WILSON

But wait, there was a massive clue that dropped into my lap before, a pack of chewing gum only sold in one particular area of one particular planet at one particular time. I really should have followed up on this clue sooner.

(researches)

Yep, a store selling that gum got obliterated by climate change in 2050. Wow, it's looking like we could have bumped that date up a bit, huh.

TOM HIDDLESTON

And this clue having been thrown at you means it's certainly a trap, let's go!

INT. OPPRESSIVE DYSTOPIAN WAL-MART-TYPE STORE, SO BASICALLY, WAL-MART

TOM, OWEN, and some TIMECOPS search the store, trying to figure out which department they stock SUPERVILLAINS in.

WUNMI MOSAKU

Aha, but I've been "enchanted" to fight you! Yep, looks like your variant is also doing double duty as The Enchantress, the classic villain yet to appear in the MCU! Seems we also keep busy "pruning" any leftover stuff Agents of SHIELD did that hasn't been overwritten yet.

(fights)

TOM HIDDLESTON

(losing multiple fights to multiple enchanted citizens)

Curse my Asgardian strength, which comes and goes depending on whether I'm fighting regular humans! And sometimes I have telekinetic magic? Well there is ONE ability I can always count on...

(angrily snaps head back, flipping hair from face)

...I hope everyone appreciates that signature move because I'm gonna do it A LOT. It's my version of "I can do this all day".

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

(appearing)

Well I believe you because SURPRISE, I'm the variant you're after! Me, apparently the one and only female variant of you! Which if we're now saying that branching timelines begin at conception, is statistically absurd!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well this Loki is still mostly in his "ally with the closest breathing thing" phase, so I'd like to join you in whatever your evil plan is.

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

My evil plan is already underway! I've sent the pruning bombs I've collected through dozens of portals to induce staggering damage to the entire timeline! It'll take minutes, if not SEVERAL MINUTES, for the TVA to rectify this catastrophe. Minutes I can use to take revenge on the so-called Timekeepers that run everything. Toodles!

(opens portal)

However TOM follows SOPHIA through, steals her PALM-TIMEPILOT aka TEMPAD, and they both wind up in...

EXT. EXPLODING PURPLE PLANET

TOM and SOPHIA must RUN RUN RUN and SHOUT EXPOSITORY DIALOGUE while being drowned out by EXPLOSIONS and random SOUND EFFECTS!

TOM HIDDLESTON

I will say, I didn't expect this to get QUITE so Doctor Who.

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

You idiot! You've thwarted my revenge on the Timekeepers, and stuck us on this about-to-be-shattered planet! Do you ruin EVERYTHING you touch?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Let's not overreact. I have your Tempad after all-

(breaks Tempad)

Oops. Not to worry, there's a train going to an escape craft. We just have to sneak on, like so, and-

(gets shitfaced)

(starts huge fight)

(thrown out train window)

Dammit. Well we can probably still walk to the-

(topples domino)

(triggers chain of ever-larger dominoes)

(largest domino falls on escape craft)

(craft destroyed)

FUUUUUUCK

VARIOUS GUARDS

Well damn, we were willing to chase you around when our whole civilization was about to be destroyed and we had only minutes left to flee to safety, but NOW? Fuck that.

(sulk)

TOM HIDDLESTON

I guess I really have doomed us both, sorry. But did you see when I magically lifted an entire fucking collapsing building? Makes you wonder why I didn't [insert list of 481 examples here].

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

Eh, I guess this is our fate. Before we die, can I just say I always thought your trick was revealing magically hidden items? But now it feels like you can actually conjure physical items from nothing.

TOM HIDDLESTON

I think it's both things, but sometimes it's something else. All my powers are like that.

(sighs)

And if we are about to die, can I just say that... I think I like you? Though I should clarify for sake of the fans, I am bisexual.

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

As am I! Guess we can file that under Essential Loki Traits like being a sneaky devious trickster who wears green. And cisgender, I guess, but that pretty much goes without saying in the non-Netflix MCU...

(handed Ironheart cast list)

...oh nice. I stand corrected.

TOM and SOPHIA exchange MEANINGFUL GLANCES intense enough to sound the PG-13 ALARM back at the TVA, which allows OWEN to lock onto their position and rescue them!

INT. TIME VARIANCE AUTHORITY HQ

To punish TOM, OWEN locks him inside a memory of JAIME ALEXANDER punching him in the NARDS, as payback for TOM cutting off part of HER HAIR.

JME ALEXAND

You suck Tom, fuck you! Though it is nice to be remembered by the MCU once in a while.

OWEN WILSON

(appearing)

Right, you'd better come clean or I'm locking you inside The Inhumans, yeah we saved that shit for extra special torture purposes. How long have you and Sophia been planning this?

TOM HIDDLESTON

You don't understand. Sophia was going to be pruned as a child because she played with the wrong doll or something, after YEARS of her variant timeline being allowed to grow, the TVA is bullshit! Plus she told me that you and everyone who works here are all Variants, not created by the TVA like they said!

OWEN WILSON

But if that's true, why wouldn't the TVA just offer us a choice of "join us or get erased from existence"? Works for the IMF apparently.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Because this way is more evil, DUH.

OWEN WILSON

Well it so happens I've been having my own doubts about this place, and by "doubts" I mean uncovering clear evidence that you're right. Let's go!

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

(barging in)

Ah not so quick there Owen. Guards! Prune him!

GUARDS

(lower Owen into jacuzzi, start three-hour timer)

GUGU MBATHA-RAW

NOT LIKE THAT

They zap OWEN with their PRUNE STICKS and he VAPORIZES!! HOLY SHIT THEY KILLED OFF OWEN WILSON WHAT AN UNEXPECTED is this even going to last to the end of the episode? Hahaha you know the answer to that. TOM and SOPHIA get dragged to a JUDGMENT CHAMBER to face... THE TIMEKEEPERS!

GIANT ALIEN TIMEKEEPER

(through Daft Punk vocoder)

FMMMTZZZZ BLBBBZZTZZZZ SHHHMRZZZZZZ

TOM HIDDLESTON

Sorry what?

GIANT WALRUS-FACE TIMEKEEPER

(taking drive-through order)

FMFMFMBBBZZZPZZPZZPP

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

Well this is some extra thick bullshit. But if these are the asses I must kick, then kick them I shall! C'mon Tom!

SOPHIA and TOM easily stomp their GUARDS and BEHEAD a TIMEKEEPER... who turns out to be only a GIANT ROBOT!

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

Wha... they're fake?! There's no way some stupid robots could run anything, there must be some unseen enemy behind the scenes!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Yes, our TRUE adversary could only be someone made of organic flesh and blood, not a dumb idiot soulless android thing incapable of independent thought!

PURPAUL BETTANY

(frowns)

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

(makes "the hell?" gesture)

While TOM and SOPHIA are still processing all this, suddenly GUGU revives and uses her PRUNE STICK to DISINTEGRATE TOM HIDDLESTON HOLY SHI okay that's clearly a teleport or something then.

EXT. THE REST OF THE VARIANTS AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

TOM wakes up in a vast desolate landscape where strange new ideas have been summarily sealed off to wither and die in their semi-connected yet ultimately isolated silos, that cursed realm far beyond any known civilization simply waiting for the Universe to collapse around it, the inaccessible graveyard of all Variants known simply as... MASTODON THE VOID!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(doing the Headsnap Hairflip)

Wha? Where am I?

RICHARD LOK-E. GRANT

Welcome. This is the Void, the place at the end of Time where everything pruned gets sent. This is also the place where we finally ditch the whole "minor divergence from the Sacred Timeline" premise and just go apeshit. Check out Alligator Loki! And is that the Thanos-Copter??

HAMMER LOKI

Oh and in addition to being stranded at the end of Time, there's also a giant LOST smoke monster that roams around killing us, but this time for realsies.

Just then who should pull up in a novelty pizza car (probably pruned from the WHAT IF... T'CHALLA WAS A PIZZA GUY?!? timeline) but SOPHIA DI MARTINO and OWEN WILSON!

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

Yep I'm here too! I figured if all the main characters were getting vaporized to some hell dimension then no way was I gonna miss out, so I pruned myself.

OWEN WILSON

And she brought a Tempad, wow, so I can return to the TVA along with anyone else who'd like to tag along?

RICHARD LOK-E. GRANT

Hm. Nah, we're gonna stay here in the land with no future and nothing to do but try not to get eaten.

LOKI FOR PRESIDENT

Maybe I'll take you up on that! Are there any timelines that need more slimey underhanded corrupt politicians WELP NOPE LOOKS LIKE Y'ALL ARE FULL ALREADY HAR HAR HAR HAR

(killed)

OWEN portals back to the TVA in order to either DESTROY IT or maybe TAKE OVER AND REHABILITATE IT nobody's really sure, while TOM and SOPHIA prepare to face the BIG BEASTIE SMOKE MONSTER THING!

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

I think if we get close enough I can enchant the monster, allowing us to finally reach the true Big Bad. In fact, let's say you can enchant it too, why not.

TOM HIDDLESTON

But how to get close enough? Damn, we should have asked Owen to go prune something cool for the monster to eat.

RICHARD LOK-E. GRANT

But wait! I've decided to nobly sacrifice myself for you, mostly because it means I can stop wearing this goofy-ass outfit.

(illusioning)

HEY MONSTER LOOK OVER HERE! I'VE CREATED THE STUNNING VISTA OF ASGARD ALL BY MYSELF DOWN TO THE LAST DETAIL ON INCREDIBLY SHORT NOTICE, WITH NO BENEFITS OR OVERTIME PAY EITHER, THUS DEMONSTRATING MY SUPREME HEROISM

MARVEL VFX WORKERS

(glare)

RICHARD gets eaten but SOPHIA and TOM successfully ENCHANT the beastie, unlocking the FINAL EPISODE!!

INT. BIG SCARY END OF TIME CASTLE

Cautiously, TOM and SOPHIA enter the HAUNTED MANSION ALTERNATE-DIMENSION SANCTUM SANCTORUM END OF TIME CASTLE, not knowing what terrifying creature awaits-

JONATHAN MAJORS

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. Hope everyone's super geared up for this thrilling finale full of exposition and backstory and goofy line readings! Blaugh!

(grins)

I'm a future scientist who discovered the Multiverse, leading to a multiversal war, so I had to live forever and create the TVA to prevent the multiverse from ever happening. Future science! Is there anything it CAN'T do?

TOM HIDDLESTON

So you're the shadowy figure behind all this. Why shouldn't we kill you right now?

JONATHAN MAJORS

Because I'm the one thing actually keeping the multiverse in check.

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

I thought the TVA did all that.

JONATHAN MAJORS

They do, but actually, I do.

TOM HIDDLESTON

How?

JONATHAN MAJORS

By breathing, I guess? Look, what matters is you have a choice. Either let me live and take over the TVA, but run it in a non-evil way which really, I could have done any time. Or you can kill me, but if you do that will unleash the Multiverse, and you'll have to face hundreds and thousands of variants of me!

(pause)

Or maybe John Boyega, I have a feeling Marvel's gonna prune me any day now.

TOM HIDDELSTON

I dunno Sophia, maybe we should think this through. Do we really want to be responsible for Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania??

SOPHIA DI MARTINO

Fuck you, I wanna see Krasinski Reed Richards!

(fights)

SOPHIA and TOM proceed to have a VERY EVENLY-MATCHED FIGHT until SOPHIA busts out the classic SMOOCH & SHOVE combo for which TOM has NO ANSWER!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(falling into time portal)

NOOooooo! I'll find you Sophia even if I have to search every global company that has a merchandising partnership with Disneeeyyyyy

SOPHIA fulfils her destiny of vengeance and STABS JONATHAN!

JONATHAN MAJORS

Urk! Ack! The Multiverse... is reborn!

(collapses)

...now watch stupid Spider-man take all the credit...

(dies)

INT. BACK AT THE TVA

TOM appears inside the TVA and rushes to warn OWEN, who he finds talking with WUNMI!

TOM HIDDLESTON

OMG listen it's Jonathan Majors who's behind everything! Wunmi, did you learn any of his tactical weaknesses during Lovecraft Country? Maybe-

VARIANT OWEN WILSON

Owo!

TOM realizes that a statue of the ROBOT TIMEKEEPERS has been replaced by a statue of JONATHAN MAJORS AS KANG THE CONQUEROR, WHAAAA??!!!

TOM HIDDLESTON

No.. no... you bastards! YOU MANIACS! The MCU had a nice comprehensible arc to it but YOU BLEW IT UP, DIDN'T YOU?!?? OH DAMN YOU, GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLLL

(pounds beach with fists)

(pause)

See you in Season Two!

(smiles, winks)

END