EXT. DYSTOPIAN CITY WHERE CITIZENS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING

YOUNG SNOW is with YOUNG TIGRIS as they take their nightly stroll through a city that seriously needs fascism to get it in tip top shape.

YOUNG SNOW

Cannibalism, gang wars, and good ol' fashioned terrorism. This old town could use a fresh coating of fear through violent battle royales involving teenagers.

YOUNG TIGRIS

You are not President Snow yet. You have to walk down the path of Anakin Skywalker before you go full fascist tool. But I think I can get this story started. Your dad is dead and he wants you to be just like him.

INT. A MUCH BETTER CAPITOL NOW THAT TEENAGERS DIE EVERY YEAR

TOM BLYTH and his cousin, HUNTER SCHAFER live crazy SITCOM situations as poor people in a rich neighborhood. HUNTER SCHAFER has some Alabama relationship boundaries with her cousin. TOM BLYTH is a young adult going to a LEADERSHIP PROGRAM that raises snobs.

TOM BLYTH

That was a beneficial flashback into my origin story as the president who Makes Killing Great Again. Right now I am poor-ish, but I still have the honor of a good family name. I wouldn't be here if my prestigious family line wasn't on the cover of Total Schmuck Magazine every year.

PETER DINKLAGE

Alright, kiddos. I am here to teach you the secrets of wizarding.

(looks at script)

Wait, I mean leadership. I am the perpetually drunk Dean Highbottom, and one of you fine students will be winning a scholarship to Fascist University with a degree in State Police Government Strategies.

ASHLEY LIAO

I am part of Tom's study team. We make an amazing pair. He is the brains, the ideas, the implementation, and the labor, but I am in charge of the Spotify playlist.

ATHENA STRATES

I am another charming student with a pretentious name. I am like Hermione if instead of magic she learned extreme prejudice of poor people.

(destabilizes the housing industry as a prank)

JOSH RIVERA

I am the enlightened young leader of the group with a rich dad. The one who constantly complains about the injustice of the Hunger Games. And like true teenagers who make a difference, I just yell at people to change and hashtag my ideals.

TOM BLYTH

Your name is also Sejanus. You lucked out that Mad Magazine closed down or they would have called you Huge Anus in the satire.

VIOLA DAVIS

Listen up, Task Force X. I make the Hunger Games more sadistic and violent every year with my crazy machinations. And I like to spout poems. I am the answer to the question, "What if Maya Angelou and Rob Zombie had a baby?"

PETER DINKLAGE

Alright, snot nosed brats. I have a drink o' clock appointment at T.G.I. Fascisms so I need you to shut your songbird holes. All of you are going to be assigned a tribute to the Hunger Games this year. The person who makes them look marketable, fun, and famous will win the leadership award.

(looks at list)

Gaius Breen, Vipsania Sickle, Hilarius Heavensbee, Apollo Ring, Domita Whimsiwick, Festus Creed, Creamcicle McGlurkey, Fanta Tomwillis, Bludgeon Von Slapstick, Hopple Poople, Evershart Blanderwix…

ATHENA STRATES

I think Dinklage is having a seizure. He keeps spouting nonsense words.

PETER DINKLAGE

Those are the names of everyone in this book. Remember, we live in a dystopian fantasy world simultaneously set in the 1950s, 1800s, and 2300s. Stupid names are par for the course.

(reads list)

Hold on. Tom Blyth, you are getting Rachel Zegler. She's like a Disney Princess that was raised by Avril Lavigne.

EXT. DISTRICT 12- THE HUNGER GAMES RECRUITING CENTER

RACHEL ZEGLER certainly does not volunteer as tribute. Instead she puts a snake down ISOBEL JESPER JONES' back and then sings her HIT COUNTRY SONG for the cameras.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Oh oh oh, here I'm dyin, because I'm defying, poor but so pretty, I hate authority. No no no, I won't live to the age of twenty three. Oh oh oh, the mayor's daughter hates my name, she's such a shame. Was I the one to blame? Now I am in the Hunger Games. Suck it President Ravenstill!

(starts jug blowing)

RACHEL ZEGLER accepts her PLATINUM ALBUM and also a punch to the face from THE MAYOR.

RACHEL ZEGLER

You know, a simple one-star review would suffice if you didn't like the song.

INT. ZOO CAGE FOR POOR PEOPLE

TOM BLYTHE visits RACHEL ZEGLER to win her over. JASON SCHWARTZMAN is the WEATHERMAN, NEWSCASTER, SLAPSTICK COMEDY, and TMZ GOSSIP COLUMNIST of the film.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Hello Hunger Fans. I am a less colorful version of Effie Trinket, but still just as naive and privileged. Today's contestants are not being fed, have terminal diseases, and are being treated like animals. This movie is so subtle in its message!

TOM BLYTH

Rachel, you are a spitfire with a heart of gold. I think I can use that to make you a star in these games. Pretty soon people will be throwing themselves at you.

RACHEL ZEGLER

(like the Padme meme)

And I will also win the Hunger Games, right?

TOM BLYTH

(Anakin Skywalker smile)

RACHEL ZEGLER

(Padme uncertainty)

Win? The Hunger Games? Right???

TOM BLYTH

It can't be that hard. Half of this group has consumption or some terminal illness. one has rabies. That girl has leprosy.

This kid has yellow fever, and that kid over there has bubonic plague. That is how the movie decided to help everyone decipher who is who.

LUNA STEEPLES, MACKENZIE LANSING, IRENE BOHM, DIMITRI ABOLD, KJELL BRUTSCHEIDT kind of just suffer in the background.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Pretty much Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Bashful, Happy, and Doc. That makes me Snow White. How quaint.

ATHENA STRATES

(playing a cruel game of keep away with her tribute)

Can I just take a moment to realize how amazing it is to be in the 1% wealth bracket. It's such a good day to be filthy rich and a jerk about it.

(tribute breaks glass bottle and shanks Athena Strates)

Worst first world problem ever!!!

INT. MAD EVIL LAB OF THE HUNGER GAMES

ASHLEY LIAO and TOM BLYTH are visiting VIOLA DAVIS' evil lab and they are probably doing the MONSTER MASH.

VIOLA DAVIS

Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble! I am making rainbow snakes that smell people and kill the things they smell.

ASHLEY LIAO

So…normal snakes?

VIOLA DAVIS

Shut up! I am crazy.

(changes subject)

Who wrote this thesis paper on turning the Hunger Games into a marketable event with sponsors and ratings?

ASHLEY LIAO

It was definitely me! I wrote it. And as I was writing it I was thinking about how wonderful it is that I will live a long and happy life.

(snake bites her and she dies)

TOM BLYTH

Well, that sums up my love interest choices for the movie.

EXT. THE ZOO CAGE

TOM BLYTH is giving RACHEL ZEGLER a COMPACT CASE with white dust in it.

RACHEL ZEGLER

When I asked for something to take the edge off, I didn't think you would give me cocaine.

TOM BLYTH

This is super secret magical weapon dust. It is so secret I won't even tell you what it does, but somehow you will become an expert in using it.

INT. ARENA OF HUNGRY GAMES

TOM BLYTH and RACHEL ZEGLER go down to work on the TALENT PORTION of the MURDER COMPETITION.

TOM BLYTH

Tomorrow is the day you start putting a pitchfork into all the friends you made over the week, but let's work on the amazing song we rehearsed. It will surely bring the house down.

AN EXPLOSION destroys the arena, KILLS four tributes, and DROPS a pillar on TOM BLYTH.

TRIBUTES

Let's run away. Freedom is ours.

(gets shot)

Worst revolution ever!

RACHEL ZEGLER

I can either get shot or save Tom.

(saves Tom)

TOM BLYTH

You came back for me. I now see that these Hunger Games create an unjust circumstance that separates the rich from the poor, creating a system of…

JOSH RIVERA

The games are still going on tomorrow and everyone was recaptured.

TOM BLYTH

Just kidding. Go Hunger Games!

INT. THE REALITY TV MONITOR ROOM

TOM BLYTH is watching RACHEL ZEGLER and the other 24 19 tributes go into SUPER SMASH BROS MODE.

TOM BLYTH

So instead of focusing on the danger of the games, the audience can watch my face as I experience the games on a closed circuit TV. Such gripping action.

BACK TO: ARENA

RACHEL ZEGLER hides in a hole with NICK BENSON who keeps complaining that he was bitten by a bat. Several TRIBUTES die via pitchfork related deaths.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Okay, Rachel, get it together. You just need to hide in this room until everyone is dead.

NICK BENSON

I have foreshadow disease. I shouldn't have blabbed about getting bitten by a bat.

(becomes a rabid zombie)

RACHEL ZEGLER runs away from her rabid friend.

BACK TO: TV MONITOR ROOM

TOM BLYTH

Quick, we need to stop this monster with some water. Zombies are afraid of water.

JOSH RIVERA

Have you been watching M. Night Shyamalan movies again?

BACK TO: ARENA

A DRONE smashes a bottle of water into NICK BENSON's head and makes him fall off a cliff.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Hmmm…the drones are broken and could be used as death projectiles. I hope this is not overused as a lazy resolution to my problems.

BACK TO: TV MONITOR ROOM

TOM BLYTH

Quick, we need to overuse this as a lazy resolution to all of Rachel's problems.

VIOLA DAVIS

Hey Tom, your buddy, Josh escaped into the arena and is doing a funeral service for a dead tribute. You need to rescue him.

TOM BLYTH

Why am I the Bart Simpson to his Milhouse?

VIOLA DAVIS

Every other student keeps vomiting every time they see death and gore, but you have a mild reaction. Hop to it.

TOM BLYTH

I can't just yell at him from a PA system?

VIOLA DAVIS

What part of dystopian 1950s, 1800s, and 2300s setting is confusing you? PA's have not been invented yet.

INT. ARENA OF HUNGRY GAMES- NIGHT

TOM BLYTH tells JOSH RIVERA that he should leave the arena or he will DIE.

JOSH RIVERA

(stunned at this revelation)

TOM BLYTH

I guess I saved your life.

JOSH RIVERA

You yelled at me to leave. Every tribute is chasing us!

TOM BLYTH kills one of the TRIBUTES.

JOSH RIVERA

How did that feel?

TOM BLYTH

I killed them all! The women and children too! I slaughtered them like animals!

JOSH RIVERA

Settle down, Anakin, you aren't an evil warlord yet.

(beat)

Won't they find out that you killed a tribute and you will get in trouble?

TOM BLYTH

Nah.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

(over TV)

Critics are saying that the last tribute to be killed was killed in a way that only a prestigious person with privilege could have done. Film at 11.

CUT TO:ARENA

RACHEL ZEGLER

Wow, so much has happened. There were mercy killings, bravery, sacrifice, A Green Mile moment, and also Mackenzie Lansing declared herself the last boss.

BACK TO: TV MONITOR ROOM

TOM BLYTH

Okay Rachel, I know you can read my thoughts because of our slight attraction to each other. now is the perfect time to use the mystery dust.

BACK TO: ARENA

RACHEL ZEGLER

I think Tom is sending me a message. He wants me to put the mystery dust in those waters, but I need a distraction.

MACKENZIE LANSING

Look, a distraction for us to run at.

(everyone follows her)

RACHEL ZEGLER puts the poison dust in one water bottle.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Now for the evil people to drink it.

LUNA STEEPLES

Dum de dum dum. KOFF Walking over innocently, KOFF minding my own business. Oh look, water.

(drinks it and dies)

RACHEL ZEGLER

Nooooooo. Killing people is sooooo hard.

(gets PTSD)

RACHEL ZEGLER kills a few more TRIBUTES.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Now I just need to kill the inspirational strong man that is twice my size, and the girl with developmental disabilities and I will be the hero.

VIOLA DAVIS

(over TV screen)

Sudden death! I am dropping rainbow snakes everywhere. Since none of them have ever smelled you then they will kill you instantly!

(thinks)

Unless, you won the heart of your coach and changed his mind about society, and then he put some of your sweat on a tissue and gave it to the snakes and they just happened to all smell it.

Rainbow snakes kill everyone. RACHEL ZEGLER sings her FOLK PUNK OPERA SONG.

RACHEL ZEGLER

The kills are aliveeeeee! With the sound of stabbingggggg! The snakes in reply start their hideous snacking. Ahhhhahahahahahahahah

(snakes start a mosh pit)

BACK TO: TV MONITOR ROOM

TOM BLYTH

Oh, I get it. Songbirds and Snakes! Now the title makes sense.

SUZANNE COLLINS

(author's note)

No, it's a metaphor for good and evil. The literal songbirds and snakes are just a coincidence.

TOM BLYTH

Like that time Katniss literally caught fire or mocked a jay bird?

RACHEL ZEGLER wins the 10th ANNUAL HUNGER GAMES.

TOM BLYTH

Wow. My ascension to President Snow is complete.

(checks his evil levels)

Hold on! I am not a D-bag yet! I am actually a good guy. What gives?

JOSH RIVERA

How about a slower third act that almost tacks on a third hour and is our rendition of Where the Crawdads Sing?

TOM BLYTH

Actually, that would make anyone evil.

INT. PETER DINKLAGE'S LITTLE ROOM

PETER DINKLAGE

Congrats on helping your tribute win the Hunger Games. But we found these cheat codes and Mortal Kombat fatalities under your desk. We told you what would happen if you cheated in the games.

TOM BLYTH

Seeing how killing people is as easy as winking, I guess I am going to be…

PETER DINKLAGE

Sent to District 12, trained with an automatic rifle, and given countless chances to meet up with Rachel Zegler.

TOM BLYTH

Oh. That is not so bad.

PETER DINKLAGE

But people can't know your name…unless you tell them or they recognize you.

INT. DISTRICT 12- THE COUNTRY TIME FUN BEARS JAMBOREE HALL

TOM BLYTH looks like THE REAL SLIM SHADY with his hair buzzed. JOSH RIVERA is his WINGMAN.

JOSH RIVERA

Our new life in the poor district as absolute fascist authorities is pretty sweet. We are living it up. It is good to see that nothing has changed.

TOM BLYTH

I am full of anger and pro-totalitarian ideas. My life is about punishing others. All hail The Capitol.

JOSH RIVERA

Wait…did something happen off-screen that made you like this or are you just having a case of the Mondays?

(beat)

Anyways, now that we are best buds, a regular pair of Forrest Gumps and Bubbas, we can make vows to protect one another.

TOM BLYTH

Sure, sure. Let me just put this bird who copies everything you say right next to you and ask you if you are cool with the rebellion.

JOSH RIVERA

Not really, but I am helping someone escape from the clutches of the Capitol.

(notices)

Why did that bird just light up?

TOM BLYTH

No reason. I am just going to mail something to Viola Davis real quick.

RACHEL ZEGLER comes out and starts playing her FOLK ROCK.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Folks, I had a crazy weekend that turned me into a stone cold killer, but I am back y'all. Being in The Capitol was my east side story, but now I can live in this West Side Story.

DAKOTA SHAPIRO

Hold on, hold on. I am the sub-plot mentioned two hours ago. I am in love with you, Rachel. The mayor's daughter means nothing to me.

ISOBEL JESPER JONES

You better not love her, or I am telling my daddy. You know he gets grumpy when he hasn't killed a poor person in a while.

EXT. THE PLACE WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

RACHEL ZEGLER and TOM BLYTH are cuddling in the forest and playing SPRING BREAK with a bunch of FRIENDS.

TOM BLYTH

So I said to Josh, from my side it looks like the rebellion is evil.

RACHEL ZEGLER

(points up)

Look, Mockingjays.

(looks around)

Here are some Katniss plants.

(finds a stranger peaking through the bushes)

And there is a Peetafile.

(finishes her checklist)

I think that is enough Easter Eggs for today.

TOM BLYTH

I am leveling up in the military where I can hopefully return to the Capitol and finish my schooling as a rich dandy politician.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Can't we just run away and live off Panem's grid? We can hunt fish, run naked in the forest, sing songs to flowers, paint with all the colors of the wind, have tons of babies, and have nightmares about our scarring tragedies.

TOM BLYTH

Okay. That sounds good too. But, I need to get one more conflict in.

INT. THE BACKROOM OF THE JAMBOREE HALL

TOM BLYTH and RACHEL ZEGLER walk in on the REBELLION, containing ISOBEL JESPER JONES and DAKOTA SHAPIRO stockpiling rifles.

TOM BLYTH

Ah, hell's bells. Now I have to report you to The Capitol.

ISOBEL JESPER JONES

Nope, I am gonna tell my daddy that you came up with this rebellion and I tried to stop it.

(runs)

TOM BLYTH

Let me just accidentally clean this rifle at you.

(shoots her dead)

RACHEL ZEGLER

You shot her with poor people bullets. Now they are going to blame me.

DAKOTA SHAPIRO

Let's take a moment and figure this out. We can hide her body and make it look like she escaped to freedom. They will be searching for her forever.

TOM BLYTH

I vote we leave her right here and just roll the dice on The Capitol finding us.

The rebellion goes with Tom's idea, which leads to The Capitol finding the rebellion and hanging them.

EXT. NOOSE STAND

TOM BLYTH

Well that plan sucked. I guess it can't get much worse.

EXECUTIONER

And also, we are hanging Josh Rivera for treason!

JOSH RIVERA

Ahhhhh, I thought we were friends! I made a vow to save you.

TOM BLYTH

I only turned you in to the authorities, Josh. You make it sound like I am the reason you are getting hung. Rude!

EXT. FAR AWAY FROM ALL THAT CAPITOL DRAMA

RACHEL ZEGLER and TOM BLYTH run away to a CABIN IN THE WOODS.

TOM BLYTH

(sharpens a knife)

Now we can be alone.

(whittles a club)

Just the two of us.

(Makes a rifle from tree bark)

Alone together.

(Signals the sniper)

Happily ever after.

RACHEL ZEGLER sees that TOM BLYTH kept the mayor daughter killing rifle as evidence.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Well. Isn't this a pickle.

(Pauses)

Actually, I am not sure who is supposed to be threatened by this evidence. You can't turn me in and I can't turn you in without the other one getting in trouble. We should just laugh about the whole ordeal and live in peace.

TOM BLYTH

The book explains it better. Now get on out of here so I can go crazy looking for you.

RACHEL ZEGLER runs away. She hides a SNAKE TRAP under a DECOY and TOM BLYTH gets bitten.

TOM BLYTH

Dangit! I was hoping there was a songbird under there.

(starts hallucinating)

Rachel! Rachel? Rachel! Raaaaaaaachel! Ray Chull!!! Ray Charles?? Rain Shrill!!! Raid Chili!!! Rake Chill!!! Rave Shell!! Raphael!!! Ragu Jill!!!! Ram Jam!!! Raisin Skill!!!

(this goes on for five minutes)

INT. MAD EVIL LAB OF THE HUNGER GAMES

VIOLA DAVIS calls TOM BLYTH back to her EVIL LAB.

VIOLA DAVIS

You passed my test. You win the scholarship money.

TOM BLYTH

Wait?? What test? You mean you tested me with Rachel Zegler being in the Hunger Games, knowing I would cheat so I could get caught and become an officer in District 12 because you knew I would bribe the person in charge of assignments because you wanted me to secretly find Rachel, which led me to uncover a rebellion, where you wanted me to accidentally shoot the mayor's daughter, and plan to escape with Rachel, but she would ghost me over rifles that you knew someone would hide? That was your plan the whole time?

VIOLA DAVIS

(shrugs)

Don't look at me. I thought the movie ended after the Hunger Games.

(evil laugh)

Now that you are psychologically messed up from totaltarian abuse and the war crimes of a nation that took advantage of you, perhaps you can tell me why we need the Hunger Games.

TOM BLYTH

(sighs)

Because Japanese movie ideas from the 2000s make some amazing cash-ins for authors in the 2010s. And also people need to be reminded that all humans are naturally evil.

VIOLA DAVIS

Remember that. Now go kill Peter Dinklage.

INT. PETER DINKLAGE'S LITTLE ROOM

TOM BLYTH confronts PETER DINKLAGE.

TOM BLYTH

Would you like a drink of this tiny vial of dystopian drugs I found lying around?

PETER DINKLAGE

Yes, but while I am drinking it, I need to tell you that your dad and I came up with the Hunger Games. I got drunk one night and mapped out a way to kill teenagers in a gruesome arena in the form of a reality show every year that would become state law forever.

TOM BLYTH

Wow, that really puts drunk texting your ex in perspective.

PETER DINKLAGE

(dies)

FADE TO BLACK. TOM BLYTH starts VADER WHEEZING.

TO BE CONTINUED IN SNAKE WARS: THE EMPIRE SINGS BACK

END