FADE IN:

INT. FAKE PASSPORT FACTORY

Undercover cop ICE CUBE is trying to make a deal with some FOREIGN BADGUYS.

ICE CUBE

Great fake passports guys, but I can only do business with your mysterious boss Laurence Fishburne, whose face no one has ever seen.

FOREIGN BADGUYS

Say, you look familiar. Are you a cop?

ICE CUBE

What? No way.

FOREIGN BADGUYS

But you used to sing about cops, right? Yeah! Now I remember! “Fuck The Police”! That was you, right?

ICE CUBE

You have the wrong guy.

FOREIGN BADGUYS

Obviously. That guy was a major hardass, which you are clearly not. Besides it would be really awkward if a guy who launched his career by demonizing the police went on to portray them for money.

ICE CUBE

I’d call that smart business sense.

FOREIGN BADGUYS

Selling out usually is.

ICE CUBE

Look, rapping wasn’t paying the bills, okay? Now I can get paid way more money pretending to be a barber, or a giant snake killer, or an undercover cop, or--

FOREIGN BADGUYS

UNDERCOVER COP!?!?!?!?

ICE CUBE

I said PRETEND to be.

FOREIGN BADGUYS

But this text from our cop mole just told us you’re not pretending!

ICE CUBE

Whoops.

The FOREIGN BADGUYS escape in a car. ICE CUBE tries to chase them but his path is blocked by a PRIUS.

ICE CUBE

Get this bullshit out of here! I’d sooner let those dangerous criminals escape than chase them in a fuel efficient pansy wagon!

ICE CUBE commandeers a MANLY TRUCK and catches the BAD GUYS, MANILY.

ICE CUBE

Yes! I’m one step closer to catching Laurence Fishburne!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

That’s right partner! Then I’ll get him to sign my kid’s Nick Fury poster!

ICE CUBE

You’re thinking of Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

That’s not the same guy? You're shitting me.

ICE CUBE

(facepalms)

INT. KEVIN HART’S LAVISH LOFT

KEVIN HART is playing a FAST TALKING LOUD MOUTHED GNOME, or in other words, KEVIN HART.

TIKA SUMPTER

And I’m his contractually obligated hot girlfriend who is deathly allergic to clothing so I wear as little of it as possible despite all the men being dressed for an impending blizzard.

KEVIN HART

Sorry sweetie, but I must ignore your hotness in order to demonstrate my impressive knowledge of Call of Duty weaponry that will become a crucial plot point.

TIKA SUMPTER

And I’ll demonstrate how I’m your thankless love interest by

(underwritten dialog)

KEVIN HART

Great, now let’s have an intimate conversation about my penis size while all of my gamer friends listen over X-Box Live.

X-BOX LIVE PLAYERS

This is actually a refreshing change of pace from hearing 13 year olds call each other “faggot” every 1.5 seconds.

KEVIN HART

Hey Tika, mind disappearing for the rest of the movie until I need something to rescue?

TIKA SUMPTER

(vanishes in a puff of smoke)

KEVIN HART

You’re the best sweetheart!

KEVIN goes to work as a HIGH SCHOOL SECURITY GUARD, which must pay $500 bucks an hour considering the size of his LOFT. KEVIN breaks up a FIGHT between TWO STUDENTS.

KEVIN HART

Stop! You guys are white! You don’t fight!

INTERNET TROLLS

That joke is racist and it OFFENDS USSSSS!!!!

KEVIN HART

You mean that I implied white people solve their problems by talking and peace making instead of with violence?

INTERNET TROLLS

Oh. Well I guess when you put it that way it makes us seem like whiney humorless douchebags. Still, if a white comic made race jokes black people would be equally offended.

(pause)

Unless you count Lisa Lampanelli. And Sarah Silverman. And George Carlin. And Daniel Tosh. And Gary Owen, who’s also in this movie. Or a dozen other comics. We suck at trolling.

(goes back to masturbating under a bridge)

KEVIN HART

Hey look, I’ve just been accepted into the police academy! It’s a good thing they don’t have height limits anymore.

KEVIN goes home to get some sweet lovin’ from TIKA when they’re ambushed by ICE CUBE.

ICE CUBE

Kevin, I’m a hardass loner cop and I don’t approve of your punk ass dating my sister.

KEVIN HART

Well I paid to see Are We There Yet and XXX 2 so I don’t approve of you acting in movies.

ICE CUBE

Too bad. Now I hear you want to be a cop so I’m taking you on a ride along with me.

KEVIN HART

Great! Our conflicting personalities should make us a wonderful team! You’ll be the Jack Cates to my Reggie Hammond! The Johnny Utah to my Bodhi! The Turner to my Hooch! The--

ICE CUBE

Please stop making sounds come out of your mouth.

KEVIN HART

But that’s my whole shtick!

ICE CUBE

Snarl. This is going to be a long 100 minutes.

EXT. ATLANTA

ICE CUBE

I’ll make Kevin give up his life long dream of being a police officer by having the station send us out on the worst bullshit police calls possible, because I am an insufferable dickwad.

KEVIN HART

Now, to show off my comic talent by harassing some bikers who are still taller than me even when sitting down!

KEVIN insults an ANDROGYNOUS BIKER CHICK and nearly gets his ass kicked. ICE CUBE saves him, reluctantly.

ICE CUBE

Clearly that was too much for you to handle. Here, interrogate this smartass kid who is basically a Junior you. Except taller.

KEVIN HART

If there’s one thing that will get the audience to root for me it’s seeing me trying to intimidate a small child.

KEVIN is quickly OUT-SMARTASSED by the KID.

SMARTASS KID

You have unlocked the next clue to help you solve Ice Cube’s big case, now get your dwarf ass out of my face before I accuse you of molesting me.

KEVIN HART

Kiddie rape jokes? Fantastic, now all we need is a few poop jokes and a Rob Schneider cameo and we’ll be on par with an Adam Sandler flick.

INT. GUN RANGE

ICE CUBE

Listen up Kevin, we need to appeal to the Jackass crowd so let's make a funny trailer moment featuring you handling some dangerous firearms.

KEVIN HART

Given my desire to be a cop you’d think I’d have learned how to properly handle a gun that didn’t involve a game controller.

ICE CUBE

But thankfully you’re a total moron, so that’s not the case.

KEVIN HART

I'll also cram in a metric fuckton of Training Day references because it's always a good idea to repeatedly remind the audience how they are watching a cheap knockoff of a far superior movie.

ICE CUBE

Correct. Now let’s see you seriously injure yourself by firing this shotgun that’s about 5 times bigger than you are.

GUN STORE OWNER

It’s too bad you weren’t here earlier then we could watch Kevin accidentally shoot his legs off with some foreign weapons that came through my store.

KEVIN HART

Hey! Those sound like weapons in Call of Duty! I just unlocked another clue to Ice Cube’s case!

ICE CUBE

Wow, that was easy. And by easy I mean lazily written as fuck. Are we really just going from skit to skit and then justifying it by having you randomly glean something about my big “Fuck Laurence Fishburne” case?

KEVIN HART

Pretty much, yeah.

ICE CUBE

Then I’ll have to ramp up my mega prickness by having one of my cop buddies strip down to his tighty whities and wrestle you in front of a bunch of strangers, embarrassing everyone involved.

THIS HAPPENS. It is NOT PRETTY.

KEVIN HART

(crying)

WHO KNEW POLICE WORK COULD BE SO HARD?!?!?!?! FUCK THIS SHIT!

INT. POLICE STATION

KEVIN is about to give up when he overhears ICE CUBE talking to his cop buddies.

ICE CUBE

See? I knew Kevin would pussy out. He doesn’t have what it takes to be a real cop.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

By which you mean he’s not a mean, bitter, vindictive, lonely asshole like you?

ICE CUBE

You flatter me. I must say, the day did not require an A-K, therefore it was good.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Dude, seriously, don’t reference your earlier work, it just reminds us all how shittastic you used to not be.

ICE CUBE

Well Kevin, I think it’s time I drove you home before it’s past your bedtime.

KEVIN HART

Fuck you, Ice Cube! Your cruel tutelage has emboldened me to jump face first into the next police call we get!

ICE CUBE

There’s been a report of a disturbance at a local titty bar.

KEVIN HART

TO THE STRIP CLUB!

INT. STRIP CLUB

ICE CUBE and KEVIN encounter two BAD GUYS who start taking strippers HOSTAGE.

KEVIN HART

Clearly this is another phoney call set up by Ice Cube so I will proceed to overact the shit out of this scene by daring the bad guys to shoot me. MARTIN RIGGS MODE ACTIVATE!

ICE CUBE

Except that those are real bad guys pointing real loaded guns at you.

KEVIN HART

Oh. Well in that case allow me to FREEEAAAAKK THE FUUUUUUUUUCK OOOOOOUUUUUTTTT!!!!

(shits self)

ICE CUBE subdues the BAD GUYS with exactly ZERO HELP from KEVIN.

ICE CUBE

Kevin, given you totally caved under pressure this is actually a pretty good reason why you probably shouldn’t be a cop.

KEVIN HART

Or maybe if you hadn’t have been such an evil loner douche and had been a real mentor to me I would have reacted better?

ICE CUBE

I’m going with my explanation. Now I just got word that Laurence Fishburne’s goons are meeting with some foreign bad guys so I need to go and arrest them.

KEVIN HART

You gotta take me with you! Now that we’ve bonded over random gunplay we’re like real partners! You’re the Tommy Lee Jones to my Will Smith! The Jackie Chan to my Chris Tucker! The Tango to my Cash! The--

ICE CUBE

Fine, just shut up. Snarl.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

A BAD GUY CONVENTION is taking place. KEVIN waits in the car while ICE CUBE meets up with his cop buddies.

ICE CUBE

Laurence will probably show up to this bad guy convention so let’s get ready to nab him!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(pulls a gun)

Sorry Ice Cube, but I’m working for Laurence. Surprised?

ICE CUBE

Sorta, as I was expecting our boss Bruce McGill to be the traitor because he’s Bruce McGill, but whatever.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Well the smart thing to do would be to ICE you.

(pause)

But then again this movie has a 250 foot restraining order on smart so we’ll just tie you up instead!

THIS HAPPENS and they carry out their ILLEGAL AS SHIT dealings with ICE CUBE just casually sitting there MEMORIZING EVERYONE’S GODDAMN FACE.

KEVIN HART

Oh no, Ice Cube has been captured! The smart thing to do would be to use this cell phone in my hands to dial a bunch of authority figures!

SMART

(clears throat)

(points to restraining order)

KEVIN HART

Oh right. Well in that case the un-smart thing to do would be to walk right in there unarmed and pretend to be Laurence Fishburne!

KEVIN crashes the BAD GUY CONVENTION and convinces everyone he is a HARDENED CRIMINAL MASTERMIND by using his finely honed talent of OVER ACTING.

BAD GUYS

Hey waaaaait a minute! You can’t be Laurence Fishburne! We may have never seen his face but we’ve all gossiped about his exact height and weight and we’ve all agreed he’s not petite!

KEVIN HART

Well what if I randomly shoot this henchman in the leg?

BAD GUYS

Convinced!

ICE CUBE

Great job Kevin, now hurry up and get me out of here before these rubes catch on.

KEVIN HART

Or I could do the exact opposite of that. Now allow me to humiliate you in front of these dangerous criminals while orgasming to the sound of my own voice.

KEVIN TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS SOME MORE and TALKS and KEEPS ON TALKING until the BAD GUYS realize GAME OF THRONES is going to be on in 10 MINUTES.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Can you wrap this up and just kill him already? That’s what the real Laurence Fishburne would do. Here’s a gun.

KEVIN HART

I think I’d rather take this knife and gently scrape at those three dots around Ice Cube’s eye instead.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

That doesn’t sound very dastardly. Shouldn’t you torture him some more?

ICE CUBE

Trust me, hearing words come out of Kevin’s mouth hurts me way more than being stabbed in the nuts would.

Then in walks SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Huh? That's not me! How the hell could anyone get us mixed up? We look absolutely nothing alike!

SHOT HENCHMAN

Mr. Fishburne, would you please sign my limited edition Mace Windu action figu

(is shot, again)

(is dead this time)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Fuck Mace Windu!!!

KEVIN is held at gunpoint and ICE CUBE is recaptured.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

So, if it isn’t my arch nemesis Ice Cube, at last we meet. I guess the smart thing to do would be to kill you immediately.

SMART

(waving restraining order)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Fuck. In that case I’ll offer you the chance to join my criminal organization, because a cop who has spent years of his life trying to put me behind bars would certainly be open to that.

ICE CUBE

If I say yes does that mean you’ll let me go, giving me the chance to threaten Kevin some more before I call for backup and arrest your sorry ass?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Nah, I’ll probably just kill you anyway, but it’s worth a shot.

ICE CUBE

Well I still say no because I have a death wish. Go ahead and shoot me you son of a HEY IS THAT THE WACHOWSKI'S WITH A MATRIX 4 SCRIPT AND A 7 FIGURE CHECK BEHIND YOU?!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(turns around)

What? Where?

All the BAD GUYS look the other away giving ICE CUBE and KEVIN the chance to run away and hide.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Holy shit, did I really just fall for that? I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that entire bottle of stupid pills!

A SHOOTOUT ensues, and the MOVIE passes up a great sight gag by NOT having ICE CUBE fire an A-K.

KEVIN HART

Ice Cube, I just saved you from getting shot! You owe me!

ICE CUBE

Well I just saved YOU from getting shot so you owe ME!

KEVIN HART

Actually I did get shot so you still owe me! And I just used my Call of Duty knowledge to throw back a live grenade! Here, you throw one back this time!

ICE CUBE

Fuck that noise.

ICE CUBE and KEVIN escape the warehouse before it EXPLODES. LAURENCE also escapes.

KEVIN HART

I rescued Laurence’s bag of money from the inferno!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Lucky for you, because John and I have taken Tika hostage. Trade?

KEVIN HART

Sure, just give me a minute to walk off this gunshot wound in my leg and we’ll be right there!

THAT HAPPENS because KEVIN is a MUTANT OR SOMETHING.

INT. KEVIN HART’S LAVISH LOFT

ICE CUBE and KEVIN bungle their way in. ICE CUBE and JOHN LEGUIZAMO face off while LAURENCE breaks every stick of furniture in the place with KEVIN'S FACE.

TIKA SUMPTER

I’ve broken free and knocked John out with a frying pan! I’m not just a useless damsel after all! Gurl Power!

(is immediately captured by Laurence again)

Oh goddamnit!

LAURENCE ties TIKA to some nearby TRAIN TRACKS while twirling his mustache.

ICE CUBE

It’s over Laurence! Cops should be responding to all this violence and gun play any minute!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Yeah right. This is a black neighborhood in Atlanta. I’ve got 6 to 8 weeks before a cop shows his face within 10 miles of this area.

KEVIN HART

Then I’ll just have to sneak up behind you and use my badly edited flying kick powers to stop you!

THIS REALLY HAPPENS and ICE CUBE shoots LAURENCE.

KEVIN HART

So Ice Cube, I’ve rescued you and your sister and helped you take down Laurence. Will you stop being a disrespectful asshole to me now and let me marry Tika?

ICE CUBE

Snarl. Okay. But don't expect me to be nice to you in the sequel.

KEVIN HART

Sequel? Holy shit, this movie really made six times its budget back? I guess that means I’m a big star now and that everything I appear in will be a bonafide financial success!

GRUDGE MATCH

I beg to differ.

END