THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999)
The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. CREDIT SEQUENCE
The credit sequence is done in a very odd style, which is supposed to look CREEPY. It actually just looks STUPID and makes the AUDIENCE want to go and rent EVIL DEAD.
INT. SPOOKY OLD MANSION HOUSE HOSPITAL SOMETHING
GEOFFREY RUSH
Hello, my five guests. If you're still alive tomorrow, I'll give you money.
BRIGETTE WILSON
Golly, that sounds like a great idea.
GEOFFREY RUSH
And the more of you that die, the more money the survivors get.
TAYE DIGGS
Wow, good plan. Hey, none of you go and kill me now! Ha ha!
ALI LARTER
Ha ha! Yeah, nobody kill me either. I'm sure no jobless pathetic losers here would murder somebody for a million dollars.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Here are some guns.
PETER GALLAGHER
That's a good idea.
PETER GALLAGHER'S EYEBROWS
It sure is.
CHRIS KATTAN
This is stupid.
AUDIENCE
My God. This movie makes Chris Kattan the only person I like. CHRIS FUCKING KATTAN! God dammit!
BRIGETTE WILSON
I don't believe in ghosts.
The HOUSE kills BRIGETTE WILSON.
AUDIENCE
YEAH! Go house! Kick some greedy fucker ass, house! House-1; Guests-0.
Some shit happens in which GEOFFREY'S WIFE is killed and not killed and GALLAGHER is killed but his EYEBROWS seek vengeance or some shit like that and ultimately a cgi black cloud moves around the house at exactly the speed it needs to in order to not quite catch up with the good guys, who include the NICE TAYE DIGGS and one of the BIMBOS. CHRIS KATTAN is also killed, thank GOD.
GEOFFREY RUSH
(running)
Aiee! Get away, black cloud thing!
BLACK CLOUD
You won a goddamn oscar for Shine and you go and ham it up in this? You will be punished forever!
GEOFFREY RUSH
Nooooooooo!!
He is swallowed up by the black thing.
The black thing BREAKS THROUGH A WALL to attack TAYE and BIMBO GIRL, so they run and hide outside, on the other side of ANOTHER WALL.
BLACK CLOUD
I could chase them, but I'm kinda tired. I'll get them later. Besides, they have no way of getting down.
TAYE DIGGS
(ignoring inability to get down off tower)
I love you.
ALI LARTER
I love you.
They KISS.
AUDIENCE
I get a million dollars for surviving to the end of this movie, right? I damn well better.
END