FADE IN:

INT. RESIDENT EVILWORLD

A collage of CUTSCENES fly around, showing FRANCHISE HIGHLIGHTS like MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ and BLOWING UP TORONTO CITY HALL and MULTIPLE CANADIAN GOLDEN SCREEN AWARDS FOR REALZ and OH LOOK THERE'S WENTWORTH MILLER, ah, memories.

MILLA JOVOVICH (V/O)

Hi everyone. Sixth time's a charm, right? But hey, rather than summarize five movies of plot chaos, let's introduce a new beginning to this whole thing! So, it turns out the zombie-making T-virus began as an experimental cure for a sick young girl named Alicia. And my character's name is Alice. What a coincidence!

EXT. WASHINGTON, DC

MILLA haggardly stumbles around the devastated NATIONAL MALL which is UTTERLY DESERTED TOTALLY CRAMMED FULL OF PEOPLE, SO MANY PEOPLE, TENS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, WAY MORE THAN THE LAST MOVIE FOR SURE

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wait a sec, at the end of "Retribution" I was with Sienna, Leon, Ada Wong, what happened to all those guys?

(checks scribbled notes in margin of script)

"It was a trap." Well that's right up there with "their hypersleep chamber failed" I guess. Man, I thought we'd be willing to pay for ONE DAY of their services, if only to film them getting tragiheroically killed off.

MILLA goes to the REFLECTING POOL to drink some water BZPLMRFDRRKKKK and she leaves.

MILLA JOVOVICH

(blinks)

What the fuck was that?

Oh, BZPLMRFDRRKKKK is shorthand for when ZOMBIE ATTACK SCENES just abruptly HAPPEN, having been cut with a SLAP-CHOP and spliced with BALING WIRE.

MILLA JOVOVICH

So, all of them then?

Anyway, MILLA wanders into a BUILDING which BZPLMRFDRRKKKK FLYING ZOMBIE BZPLMRFDRRKKKK TRUCK BZPLMRFDRRKKKK and MILLA wins again!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Oh geez. We're coming in for a rough landing I see.

Just then, an UNUSUAL SOUND leads MILLA to an underground ROOM where she gazes in astonishment at a FUNCTIONAL DOT-MATRIX PRINTER while all the TWENTYSOMETHINGS in the audience gaze in astonishment at their GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS for "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT".

RED QUEEN

(appearing on screens throughout room)

Welcome. I could have got you down here by turning all the monitors on and screaming "HELLLOOOO MILLLAAA" but then I figured that running the dot matrix printer would be more atmospheric. Anyway, I'm a good guy now.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Why should I believe you?

RED QUEEN

If you don't there is no movie.

MILLA JOVOVICH

I believe you!

RED QUEEN

So here's the setup. Only a few pockets of humanity still survive, and ALL of them will be killed in EXACTLY FORTY-EIGHT HOURS AND ZERO MINUTES AND ZERO SECONDS from now. I have synchronized your digital watch to this ridiculously rounded-off time frame.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Yeah, I mean, it could have just as easily been 37 hours 22 minutes or something.

RED QUEEN

I know! Well, be sure to check your watch regularly, showing the dark-red-on-black readout to the audience for three-tenths of a second at a time, so that nobody has any fucking clue how much time's left anyway and nobody gives a fucking shit and what the fuck.

MILLA JOVOVICH

And how did you calculate to the second when the last humans are gonna die anyway?

RED QUEEN

AAAANYYHOOOO there exists, shockingly, a magical ANTI-T-virus that, if released, will destroy all T-virus all over Earth forever. And since "ending where it all began" is SOOOO not beneath us, it's hidden back where it all began, inside the Hive under Raccoon City from the first movie.

(pause)

Of course you realize, since there is T-virus inside you, releasing the airborne antidote will result in... your death. You must decide if you're ready to make this ultimate sacrifice.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Defeat Umbrella for good AND finally be done with this franchise... sorry, where does the "sacrifice" part come into it?

EXT. OUTSIDE RACCOON CITY

MILLA drives into the city in her BADASS POST-APOCALYPTIC CAR all BADASSILY but IT'S A TRAP!! SPIKES in the road make her CRASH!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(crashing)

FUCK

She continues on foot and spots a SHINY COOL MOTORCYCLE. But as she approaches IT'S A TRAP!! A GUARD pops out from a nearby container!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(startled)

FUCK wait, how long have you been hiding in there?

MILLA backs up but IT'S A TRAP! A rope snares her FOOT and whisks her upside-down surrounded by guards!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(dangling comically)

FUCK

MILLA shrugs and KILLS all the guards with her BARNUM & ZOMBIE CIRQUE DU BRAINCHOMP NECROBATICS powers, FREES herself, and gets on the motorcycle.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Finally we're getting--

BUT IT'S A TRAP!! The cycle has PALMPRINT RECOGNITION SOFTWARE and it ZAPS her full of ELECTRICITY!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(being zapped)

FUCKITY FUCK WHY DID I NOT INVEST ANYTHING IN "DETECT TRAPS" FOR CHRISSAKE

(passes out)

INT. A TANK

MILLA wakes up in the PRISONER HOLD of IAIN GLEN'S TANK. Don't worry about who the prisoners are or why they're even there.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Well well, Iain Glen. I thought I killed you.

IAIN GLEN

Yeah, well I thought you had superpowers and a clone army and a life outside Resident Evil movies. I want to know who told you about the anti-T-virus.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Don't you have a total suspect pool of, like, two people? There's Shawn Roberts, aka the Sunglasshole, who sprung the Washington "trap" that should have killed me, so probably not him. And then there's the Red Queen who's had a completely different mission in every movie, so...?

IAIN GLEN

(thinks)

Nope, still don't got it. How about you run behind the tank while attached by a rope, until you talk? Did I mention there's a zombie horde back there? Oh, and do you still have superhuman strength and endurance to last more than ten seconds EH FUCK IT OFF YOU GO!

(throws Milla off tank)

MILLA runs and runs and when a guard is distracted she LEAPS UP and starts KILLING GUARDS! Then she fights IAIN and chops his HAND off, and uses it to steal the motorcycle!

TANK DRIVER JOON-GI LEE

I'll get her! I'll use our advanced weapons tech and my innate skill and our two hundred rockets to OH SHIT she just kind of drove away in a straight line, right in front of us, that's the blind spot in the targeting system FUUUUCK

EXT. INSIDE RACCOON CITY -- DUSK

MILLA drives the motorcycle into town but IT'S A TRAP!! BONK!!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(flying through air)

FUCK

(smashes into building)

(passes out)

She wakes up in a dark room surrounded by d4+3 people including ALI LARTER!

ALI LARTER

Yes, I've returned! I was captured by Umbrella but the chopper crashed. Luckily I managed to drag myself from the wreckage and then find a fully operational hair and makeup salon.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Iain and his tanks are bringing several hordes of zombies here, our only hope is to A-Team the shit out of this place.

RUBY ROSE

I can help! My character's an engineering whiz! And a girl! And... that's it really. Which still puts me way ahead of any of these other doofuses, characterization-wise.

They re-enact the SIEGE OF GONDOR using FIRE and GASOLINE and ZOMBIES and more SUPER-CHOPPED-TO-FUCK EDITING and some GOOD GUYS DIE maybe, but more importantly MILLA uses a ZIP-LINE!!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Quick, tank hostages, escape! Who the fuck were you guys again?

JOON-GI LEE

We said not to worry about that!! Instead worry about ME, the super formidable martial-arts tank driver guy! My martial arts are far more formidable than yours!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Ow! Oof! I am totes defeated oh wait I have a gun somehow.

(shoots Joon-Gi)

Yes, it was exactly that random and lazy in the real version.

ALI LARTER

More tanks and zombie hordes are coming, we gotta get to the Hive now! Which we could also have done the FIRST time they attacked with tanks and zombies! Especially as how there's a time limit and all.

MILLA JOVOVICH

You're right, we only have--

(flails wrist at camera)

--COUGHHACKCOUGH left! Let's go!

TWO RANDOM DUDES

(dramatically)

Wait Milla! WE... will come with you!

(dramatic pose)

(eviscerated by zombies)

(eaten)

(shat out)

(devoured by zombie dogs suffering from Vitamin B deficiency)

MILLA JOVOVICH

Oooookay.

EXT. DEEPER INSIDE RACCOON CITY -- STILL NIGHTTIME

MILLALI, RUBY, and the other GOOBERS are running towards the HIVE when--

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wait! Stop! Everyone stop running! Stand completely still! Something's out there... something watching... something like OH FUCK THE ZOMBIE DOGS, EVERYONE START RUNNING AGAIN, I GUESS WE REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED, MY BAD

ALI LARTER

Oh no! The zombie dogs killed... someone? I think? Are we missing anyone?

MILLA JOVOVICH

Never mind, the giant Hive door is closing! Everyone hurry and be glad this door didn't close hours ago!! Like, when I escaped from Iain Glen, for instance.

They go through the DOOR! MILLA is last in line but BZPLMRFDRRKKKK but she makes it!

INT. THE HIVE

Our remaining heroes find the HIVE almost completely powered down, so anyone looking forward to a break from NEAR TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS is shit outta luck.

RED QUEEN

(appearing on monitor)

Since time is running out, here's more exposition! Please watch this old video of Iain Glen explaining how Umbrella caused the zombie apocalypse on purpose.

MILLA JOVOVICH

(squinting at video)

Is that me in old-person makeup?

RED QUEEN

What? No no that's a totally different actress that happens to have your exact voice. ANYWAY here's a map, also one of you is a mole, buh-bye!

(vanishes)

Further down the tunnel our heroes find a big ol' WIND TURBINE. They sneak through just before the POWER comes back on!

SHAWN ROBERTS

(over speakers)

A-ha, but now I can switch the turbine from blow... to suck! Damn, wrong order for a Spaceballs joke. Oh well, at least I killed Ruby Rose I think?

The power shuts OFF again and our remaining heroes crawl into a DUCT, but it's a TRAP!! DOOR, that is!

MILLA JOVOVICH

(falling)

FUCK

One of the GOOBERS falls into a DEATHTRAP but everyone else just lands in ROOMS.

INT. FLASHY FLASH ROOM

MILLA lands in a room with the lights all FLASHY FLASHY and BZPLMRFDRRKKKK ABOMINATION BZPLMRFDRRKKKK and BLACK GOOBER dies and BZPLMRFDRRKKKK she wins! MILLA then finds EOIN MACKEN who's one of the other goobers that came with her, forgot to mention him.

EOIN MACKEN

There you are Milla! I'm still alive even though I've lost all my weapons. Please can I have a gun, so that I can lead you through the deactivated laser corridor GUESS WE'RE NOT USING IT THIS TIME, NOPE, and down this elevator platform, through to the main control room? I'm not the mole.

INT. HIVE MAIN CONTROL ROOM, JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM THE GRANT WARD

MILLA and EOIN walk in to find ALI LARTER captured by SHAWN ROBERTS... and IAIN GLEN WHAAAAAAT?!?

IAIN GLEN

Yes, I'm the REAL Iain Glen, the other one is a clone, WHAAAAT?!? Plus, I have the T-Antidote right here WHAAAT?!?

SHAWN ROBERTS

Also, Milla, you're a clone of the original Alicia, who the Red Queen is modelled on! WHAAAAAAAT

OLD MILLA JOVOVICH

And the original Alicia... is me! And I'm here in rubbery old makeup! WHHAAAAAAAAAAT

EOIN MACKEN

Plus, I'm the mole! WWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wow that sure is a lot of reveals, I almost forgot to yawn. Old Milla, help!

IAIN GLEN

Ha ha ha, she can do nothing. I own 50% of the company so she is powerless to stop me. And the Red Queen can't harm Umbrella employees!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Are you fucking serious?!? Society is burned to the fucking ground, there are no "companies", nobody owns shit percent of shit anymore. That is literally meaningless.

OLD MILLA

But as long as we're still playing by those stupid rules... Shawn, you're fired! Now the Red Queen can kill you!

SHAWN ROBERTS

(getting crushed by door)

THIS IS THE FUCKING CULMINATION OF SIX FUCKING MOVIES AND YOU'RE LIFTING DIRECTLY FROM FUCKING ROBOCOP WHAT THE FUCK

(dies)

MILLA JOVOVICH

Meanwhile I went full Die Hard on Eoin Macken and gave him a gun with no bullets! Fuck you!

ALI LARTER

No, I must be the one to kill him!

(shrugs)

We were boning or something? I'm not really sure.

(kills Eoin)

MILLALI follow IAIN back to the levitating platform and it's MILLALIAIN FIGHTTIME!!!! But ALI gets knocked out so it's MILLIAIN FIGHTTIME!!

IAIN GLEN

Ha ha, I have tons of cyber-upgrades that make me impossible to beat! We had to find SOME way to make an aging British douchebag seem like a valid final boss.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Well I'm taking our fight to the laser corridor OH HEY GUESS WE'RE DOING THE LASER CORRIDOR SHTICK ONE LAST TIME AFTER ALL, WHAAAAAAT?!?!!???

IAIN GLEN

Fine! Now I take revenge for you cutting off my clone's hand, by using the laser to SLICE THE FINGERS OFF ONE OF YOUR HANDS which isn't as bad as losing an entire hand actually, I probably should have done WORSE to you than... oh hey, what's this you stuck in my pocket while I was standing still waiting for the laser to cut you?

MILLA JOVOVICH

Shut up and explode already.

IAIN BLOWS UP so that's surely the end of him!

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HIVE

MILLA reaches the surface with the antivirus, just as the MASSIVE COMBINED HORDE OF ZOMBIES appears and rushes towards the Hive! Rather than quickly throwing the glass container down, and instantly winning, she dramatically lets it slowly roll from her outstretched hand and...

IAIN CLONE

Yoink! Caught it! HOW did you not see me standing like three feet away.

IAIN GLEN

And I'm not quite blown up after all!

IAIN CLONE

NOOOOO THERE CAN ONLY BE IAIONE

(kills Real Iain)

(swarmed by zombies)

OH SHIT MAYBE SHOULD HAVE DEALT WITH THAT FIRST

(dies)

MILLA JOVOVICH

Phew, got the antivirus back! Well I've learned my lesson, THIS time... I'll still dramatically pause and give meaningful looks and accept my fate, to die along with...

STAMPEDING HORDE OF ZOMBIES

Um we are like INCHES from your face, maybe you could get on with it?

MILLA JOVOVICH

I need a moment okay? This is my big acceptance of death scene!

RUNNING-FULL-TILT ONRUSHING HORDE OF ZOMBIES

It's just that we're now like a hair's breadth distance apart, and I don't know how much longer we can really pretend not to have swarmed and eaten you, like, three lines of dialogue ago.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Right, sorry.

(smashes vial)

The ZOMBIES and MILLA collapse! We fade to BLACK until--

EXT. THE NEXT MORNING

MILLA wakes up!

ALI LARTER

You're alive! Turns out the Red Queen was lying about how it would kill you too. She just needed to know that you were willing to sacrifice yourself.

MILLA JOVOVICH

And she needed to know that because...

ALI LARTER

Yup it's a rousing finish to the franchise! Have a new motorcycle!

MILLA rides off to face NEW CHALLENGES, because it will take years for the antivirus to cover the globe so there could still be an EPILOGUE WHICH TECHNICALLY ISN'T A CHAPTER SO THIS IS STILL THE FINAL CHAPTER WE WEREN'T LYING IN THE STRICTEST SENSE HAHAHAHAHAHA

MILLA JOVOVICH

How am I working this motorcycle with half my fingers gone?

ROLL CREDITS

INT. DARKENED THEATRE, POST-CREDITS

RED QUEEN

Did I remember to say "you're all going to die down here"? No? Oops.

(pause)

Ahem. You're All Going to Die Down Here. There's a little reward for anyone who stuck around. And y'know, sometimes I wonder, what if I'd been modelled on Christopher Walken instead? Well, I THINK it might sound a little something like

END