FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST

THOMAS SCHARFF abandons YOUNG JEREMY RENNER and YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON in the woods.

THOMAS SCHARFF

Wait here, I'll be back for you later!

(leaves)

YOUNG JEREMY RENNER

"Back"? So he's not intentionally leaving us to starve to death?

YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON

It would appear not.

YOUNG JEREMY RENNER

So we don't need that trail of breadcrumbs, then. Wait, did we even leave one?

YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON

I don't think so.

YOUNG JEREMY RENNER

Great. Hansel and Gretel has like six plot points, how did we go off the rails this quickly?

They FIND THE CANDY HOUSE, then get KIDNAPPED BY THE WITCH, then STAB and BURN and KILL her.

YOUNG JEREMY RENNER

Well, that was the classic tale of Hansel and Gretel. The end?

Nice try.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

SHERIFF PETER STORMARE is trying to rally the townspeople into burning PIHLA VIITALA.

PETER STORMARE

Friends, I've identified the werewolf that's been terrorising-

TOWNSPERSON

Wrong gritty fairy-tale reboot, numbnuts!

PETER STORMARE

Right, sorry. The WITCH that's been snatching our kids is Pihla! I came to this conclusion after I observed how generally... witchy... she is. Like, with the red hair? I don't know, BURN HER!

But then JEREMY RENNER and GEMMA ARTERTON show up, striking the first of many, many glassy-eyed action-hero poses.

JEREMY RENNER

Not so fast, Peter! I'm Hansel, a leatherbound fighter of the supernatural with a kickass steampunk arsenal, so basically a second-rate Van Helsing, if you can imagine that.

GEMMA ARTERTON

And I'm Gretel, a totally tough and battle-hardened woman, as you can tell from the fact that I only need to be rescued by a male character three times in this movie.

JEREMY RENNER

Upon careful inspection, I see that Pihla does NOT have demon eyes and gray, crenellated skin, and witches can't hide their deformity except for the ones who can. Let her go!

PETER STORMARE

EXCUSE ME! While I have no logical reason to doubt your expertise or object to your presence, as the local obstruct-o-crat it's my job to resist any action by any kind of protagonist. I think you're nothing but dangerous criminals and-

GEMMA ARTERTON

(breaks Peter's nose)

PETER STORMARE

OW FUCK! Oh yes, a cogent counter-argument, and such a sensible thing to do in front of a jittery lynch mob. You know what, if only there were some kind of law against assaulting a police officer, you'd be SO under arrest right now!

(storms off)

The MAYOR assigns the siblings BJORN SUNDQUIST as an EXPENDABLE HELPER GUY.

BJORN SUNDQUIST

So, want to go looking for that witch now?

JEREMY RENNER

Go witch hunting when it's DARK? Are you crazy, that's when witches come out!

BJORN SUNDQUIST

...Um, can I see your credentials again?

INT. WITCH CENTRAL

GRAND WITCH FAMKE JANSSEN and HEDGEHOG WITCH INGRID BOLSO BERDAL are plotting.

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

I see you're one of those witches who can make themselves look normal. I guess your thing is going to be infiltration and subterfuge?

FAMKE JANSSEN

Oh, no, this ability never becomes relevant in any way. It's just so I don't have to spend the entire movie looking like an extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

Fair enough. Now, even though we're like ninety-nine per cent of the way through our evil plan, it seems I have no idea what it is. Explain?

FAMKE JANSSEN

Well as you know, my invincibility potion only lasts like thirty seconds. BUT once we've completed our bizarrely specific Invincibility Potion Duration Enhancement Ritual, all witches will be indestructible forever!

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

And until then, we just keep using the temporary version, right?

FAMKE JANSSEN

Pfft, no. Like I said, it only lasts for thirty seconds.

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

...Thirty seconds of complete indestructibility. Do you really not see how that could be useful? Besides, maybe we could construct some kind of steampunk foam dome-

FAMKE JANSSEN

PLEASE DEACTIVATE ALL COGNITIVE FUNCTION FOR THE DURATION OF THE FILM, THANK YOU.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

PIHLA approaches JEREMY.

PIHLA VIITALA

Hey, thanks for saving my ass yesterday.

JEREMY RENNER

(no hint of humor)

Oh, I just did that to make my sister happy. I would have been fine to let them murder you, obvious innocence be damned.

PIHLA VIITALA

...Okay, I can't tell if that's a really badly-executed joke or if you're being genuinely awful.

JEREMY RENNER

If that's not a perfect metaphor for this movie, I don't know what is.

Suddenly, JEREMY starts to tremble and keel over, and has to give himself an INJECTION.

PIHLA VIITALA

Oh my God, what's wrong? Have you been inflicted by some kind of dark curse or something as a result of your adventures?

JEREMY RENNER

Yes, it was that witch that tried to fatten me up as a kid. She fed me too much candy, and I... I got... DIABETES.

(shudders)

PIHLA VIITALA

...I'm really starting to hope the answer is "badly-executed joke".

EXT. FOREST

GEMMA and JEREMY lay out some WITCH BAIT, and who should fall for it but INGRID!

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

Hey, this isn't a crying child, it's a huge pumpkin with a wig on, next to a steampunk record player! Which I would have realized immediately if I'd approached from pretty much any other direction. Obviously the best response to this trap is stand here staring gormlessly at it.

She DOES, until she's ATTACKED BY JEREMY AND GEMMA. She tries to escape on a flying branch, but JEREMY fires a GRAPPLING HOOK into it, then fires a SECOND GRAPPLING HOOK into a TREE OR SOMETHING so he doesn't just get dragged along the ground like-

JEREMY RENNER

Woah, woah. SECOND grappling hook? Now why didn't I think of that?

(faceplants for a mile)

But luckily, INGRID flies right into BJORN, who takes her down with a STEAMPUNK TASER.

BJORN SUNDQUIST

Excellent! Our plan for me to stand in a random spot nowhere near the fight worked, stupidly enough!

They take INGRID back to town and interrogate her.

INGRID BOLSO BERDAL

Blah blah twelve moons blah.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Having studied at the Jack Sparrow Institute of Bullshit MacGuffinology, I can figure out from your vague ramblings that you need to abduct a girl born in April in order to fill out the roster for your ritual. Now we just have to check the town records and locate-

There is a HUGE KA-BOOM OUTSIDE.

GEMMA ARTERTON

...Or we could forget all that shit and just follow the explosions!

She and JEREMY charge out and find the village is being attacked by FAMKE and ANOTHER WITCH and A REJECT FROM THE JIM HENSON COMPANY. JEREMY is dragged off into the woods, and FAMKE attacks GEMMA!

FAMKE JANSSEN

Surprise, there's actually one more random ingredient for our ritual: you! Prepare to spend ninety per cent of your remaining screen time as a damsel in distress!

She KNOCKS OUT GEMMA, but then BJORN starts shooting at her.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Oh look, a completely non-threatening shmoe. Just because I'm in the middle of the most crucial part of my plan is no reason not to ignore Gemma altogether while I spend way too long subjecting this guy-

GEMMA ARTERTON

(rescued)

FAMKE JANSSEN

-to an overly-elaborate finishing move... wait, what? Fuck!

EXT. FOREST

JEREMY is found and revived by PIHLA.

PIHLA VIITALA

I can't help but notice that I'm the only woman in this movie who isn't either pure evil or immediately related to you. Guess we'd better fuck.

JEREMY RENNER

Well, as we speak evil witches are finalizing their plot to sacrifice a bunch of little children and bring about an age of darkness, and I don't know whether my sister is alive or dead. But on the other hand,

(sleeps with Pihla)

Meanwhile, in a completely different part of the forest, GEMMA is wandering around looking for JEREMY, when she stumbles across PETER and his men, who SEIZE HER.

PETER STORMARE

Excellent, it seems Bjorn's "stand pretty much wherever and wait for your enemy to come to you" tactic is a real winner! You're under arrest.

GEMMA ARTERTON

On what charges?

PETER STORMARE

On the charge that, by coming here to rid our town of its plague of witches, you brought a plague of witches to this town!

GEMMA ARTERTON

That doesn't even begin to make sense!

PETER STORMARE

I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, I JUST HAVE TO BE AN OBSTACLE!

But then the HENSON TROLL shows up, KILLS PETER and RESCUES GEMMA.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Buh? You work for Famke, what are you saving me for?

TROLL

The blindingly obvious conclusion would be that I'm abducting you for my boss. I mean, doi. But as it happens, the real reason I saved you is... trolls serve witches. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

GEMMA ARTERTON

I see. Let's treat that as a sign that you're actually a good guy, rather than the more reasonable interpretation that you have no moral compass whatsoever.

TROLL

Hey, didn't you hear me? I saved YOU because trolls serve WITCHES. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Didn't the implication of that sink in at all?

GEMMA ARTERTON

With my performance in this film, I'd say it's impossible to tell.

GEMMA wanders randomly some more and winds up at an OLD HOUSE. By sheer coincidence, so does JEREMY.

JEREMY RENNER

Hey, this is the house where we grew up.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Yes that is true.

(pause)

Really, we have no discernible reaction to this either? Come on, the muscles in my face are starting to atrophy here.

Suddenly, FAMKE shows up!

FAMKE JANSSEN

Aha, I knew I'd find you here!

JEREMY RENNER

You did? That's weird, considering we both sort of tripped over this place by total accident.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Either way, I've got a bunch of backstory to get through, so can I get an exposition truce?

JEREMY RENNER

Sure. We'll all just stand here and stare at each other while you yammer on for the next five minutes.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Perfect. See, Gemma, this ritual of ours requires the heart of a Grand White Witch. Your mother was one, and therefore you are too.

JEREMY RENNER

Wait, a Grand WHITE Witch? So not only is witchhood an accident of genetics, a witch's alignment is too?

GEMMA ARTERTON

Huh. Suddenly our campaign to murder every dark witch in the world on general principle seems a lot more... genocide-y.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Anyway, the last time the moon was doing whatever it needs to do for this ritual to work, your mother was too powerful for us to kill, so we were going to just send some scared villagers to take her out, then go after you. That's why she hid the two of you in the woods.

JEREMY RENNER

Uh, and she and Dad didn't hide too because why?

FAMKE JANSSEN

Your mother was too proud to run.

JEREMY RENNER

Too proud. To stay alive for her children. So instead she dumped us in the middle of the forest. Within walking distance of a CHILD-EATING WITCH.

GEMMA ARTERTON

And was she too proud to tell me, you know, ANYTHING AT ALL? Like, "you have magical powers and people are going to want to abduct you and cut out your heart, just a heads up"?

JEREMY RENNER

Our mother sucked and this backstory also sucks! EXPOSITION TRUCE OVER!

JEREMY tries to STAB FAMKE, but she STABS HIM INSTEAD and RUNS OFF WITH GEMMA. Later, JEREMY wakes up to find PIHLA tending to him.

JEREMY RENNER

How the hell do you keep running into me in the middle of nowhere? And WAIT A MINUTE, MY STAB WOUND IS GONE, YOU'RE A WITCH!!

PIHLA VIITALA

Well yeah, but a good one. Look at my face. Attractive people are good and ugly people are evil, remember?

JEREMY RENNER

Good point. Look, we need to go save Gemma from the evil witches, but every witch so far has been able to just zap all our bullets and arrows out of the way. Have you got any convenient white witch bullshit to make the next fight less boringly pointless?

PIHLA VIITALA

Okay, uh, oh look here's a book of white magic I found in some cave just now.

JEREMY RENNER

Found in a cave. Right. You realize it would have made sense for you to just own the book anyway? We are now actually going out of our way to make the script idiotic.

They use the book to BLESS A BUNCH OF STEAMPUNK WEAPONS. Then they go to the MOUNTAIN where FAMKE AND ALL THE OTHER WITCHES are starting the RITUAL.

FAMKE JANSSEN

What? How did you know where we were?

JEREMY RENNER

...Huh, I actually don't have an answer for that. All I have are these THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF BULLETS.

JEREMY and PIHLA start SHOOTING THE WITCHES TO PIECES.

WITCH

GEE, WE SURE COULD DO WITH THIRTY SECONDS WORTH OF INVINCIBILITY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

(blown apart)

Amidst the chaos, the TROLL rescues GEMMA. AGAIN. Then FAMKE gets pissed and pushes him off a CLIFF.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Finally, the chance to be the rescuER for once. I'll just use our taser as a defibrillator! ...To cure "fell off a cliff"!

While GEMMA punches medical logic in the face, the sun comes out, making it too late for the ritual.

FAMKE JANSSEN

FUUUUUCK! That'll teach me to conduct a moon-related magical ritual at apparently six o'clock in the morning!

GEMMA and JEREMY and PIHLA despatch the witches in colorful ways until only FAMKE remains.

PIHLA VIITALA

I KILL YOU NOW, FAMKE!

FAMKE JANSSEN

Oh, the white witch wants to fight, I'm REAL scared. What are you going to do, pacifist me to death? Har har snort!

PIHLA VIITALA

Did you not notice how I just murdered like fifty people with a fucking Gatling gun?

FAMKE and PIHLA fight for like FOUR SECONDS, then PIHLA gets killed. Then suddenly FAMKE forgets she's a superpowerful witch and just starts bashing JEREMY and GEMMA with a shovel.

JEREMY RENNER

In that case, I guess I'll forget I'm covered in anachronistic weaponry and just strangle you!

(strangles Famke)

GEMMA ARTERTON

Hold it, Jeremy. Earlier we said the methods for killing a witch were burning, skinning, cutting off the head or cutting out the heart. A million witch murders later, we still haven't done ANY of that shit. Maybe we should actually follow through on that foreshadowing this one time? Just to feel like a coherent movie for a change?

JEREMY RENNER

Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, but if you insist.

They CUT FAMKE'S HEAD OFF.

JEREMY RENNER

There you go. And now let's go do the scene where we get paid for our services, thus making the audience realize they basically just watched a movie about people hiring some fancy exterminators.

END.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Wait up, we want to put some pointless extra witch hunting into the closing credits-

END, FUCKING END, WHY WON'T THIS MOVIE JUST DIIIIEEE