FADE IN:

EXT. SOME BORING VILLAGE

JOAQUIN PHOENIX walks around, bored. He greets a bored looking BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Though I am glad to live in such a small, quiet, ridiculously dull village, I often wonder about what is beyond the borders.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Unfortunately, we can never know much of the borders, because the idyllic nature of our existence is subverted by...

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Yeah subverted by....

They both look at DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(consulting 'Directing Sleeper Hits for Dummies')

Uh.. Let's see, ghosts, superheroes, aliens....uh... Oh! Monsters! Your mundane lives have been made watchable on film because your village is surrounded by monsters.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Monsters? Really?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Kinda scraping the bottom of the supernatural barrel now, aren't we?

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Ha! You should be so lucky! I still have to direct a film centering around ESP, multiple dimensions, time travel, faith healing, magic, and voodoo.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(sighing)

Okay, monsters. They're not really monsters though, right? That's the big surprise?

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(slapping him)

Quiet, you fool! How dare you even suggest that a component of the film or even the entire film exists merely to set up a single twist in the story! Don't go spoiling the surprises!

(to you)

In fact! I don't want anyone reading this Abridged Script! Go visit Fark or a porn site or something. And shouldn't you be working, anyway? They don't pay you to read web sites, you know.

Everyone wanders around their 19th century lives. Conversations take place, backgrounds are revealed, and generally nothing happens. Eventually, the village is attacked... by monsters!

MONSTER

Boo!

Everyone runs for their lives. Even this is boring. Eventually, JOAQUIN PHOENIX is HURT.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I must go into town to get medicine.

WILLIAM HURT

It is time to reveal something shocking to you. It will seem like quite a twist, if you will, fueling your interest to see this story conclude.

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

No! Please, stop reading this! Without implausible twists, my films are worthless garbage!

WILLIAM HURT

You see, the creatures are actually the village elders in costumes. It's to prevent anyone from going out to the town, which contains much scarier things. Now that you know this, you may go into town to get medicine.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Wouldn't it have been easier to not tell me all about this and just go out to the town yourself?

WILLIAM HURT

No. I can't show my face in the town ever again. The townspeople have all seen Lost in Space.

BRYCE leaves, heading past the border and into the woods.

AUDIENCE

It's only the second act and we already know the twist? What the hell?

Suddenly, a MONSTER shows up!

MONSTER

Perhaps I am real after all!

It's NOT. BRYCE continues on. She gets to a wall, and climbs it, exiting the village and entering....

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Dammit, if this abridged script reveals the ending, I'm going to unleash upon you all a film that makes no sense whatsoever, filled non-stop with red herrings that you'll try in vain to piece together, only to discover the main character imagined it all!

END