FADE IN:

INT. "SCARY" CABIN

Disfigured people tie up a POSSESSED TEENAGER. Her FATHER pours GASOLINE on her.

TEENAGER

Daddy, I'm scared! And confused! Why are you burning your own daughter alive? Why you, instead of the many people around you who should have no reason not to spare you the awful trauma of burning your own child?

DADDY

This is for all those times you never cleaned up your room when I told you to, spoiled brat.

TEENAGER

(burning)

SATAN COCK FIRES TORTURE!

DADDY

Shit, maybe we should have started a gasoline fire outside where we caught her instead of in a cramped wooden basement!

He SHOOTS her in the head while she's already BURNING TO DEATH, unnecessary for killing but completely necessary for the DOUBLE-GORE SPLATTER-DEATH ACHIEVEMENT.

EXT. THE SAME "SCARY" CABIN

FIVE YOUNG ADULTS arrive for an isolated trip together. FIVE BILLION REFERENCES to the original "Evil Dead" arrive slightly before them.

JANE LEVY

I'm a heroin addict. I'd be dead due to a previous O.D. if a lucky adrenaline injection hadn't saved the day. I'm quitting drugs forever.

NOT BRUCE CAMPBELL

I'm your brother, here with your friends to make sure you stay put during withdrawal. Screw hospitals and rehab, this is how to break an addiction!

JANE LEVY

Whatever, David.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

"David?" That's my character name? Not Ash? Whew, I was worried I'd have to live up to these impossible standards from fans.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

I have glasses, meaning I'm the scholar, not the athlete. These IQ-boosting chemicals the government gave me are really-

JESSICA LUCAS

Shh, pretend "Cabin in the Woods" doesn't exist! I'm a nurse. I have sedatives. And I'm black. And that's it.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth Blackmore. She doesn't talk for another hour or so.

JESSICA LUCAS

Pfft, I hope you were ready to break up with her anyway. Deadite-fodder. Let's head inside so Jane can throw some cold turkey tantrums.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Where she'll be surrounded by gasoline, a shotgun, and a plethora of knives and sharp objects. This IS so much better than rehab!

The crew SETTLE IN. An entirely gratuitous SHOT ON THE CLOCK from the original forces its way in for a second.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Nobody have sex! That'd be cliché, and we're striving for originality.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

You're right. Here's the very original cellar of witchcraft, including a book that says "Leave this book alone."

JANE LEVY

Well, if the book was really dangerous, the last people who found it would have buried it or something, not just leave it on the table saying "Hey don't read this."

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

We can't read it, it's not in English.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

No, someone wrote translations down in giant, ferociously-written red letters. Translating is fucking intense.

BOOK

Do not say the words "Klaatu Verata Nicto."

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Klaatu Verata NiCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH. Close one!

Outside, the DEMON is AWAKENED!

EXT. "CREEPY" WOODS

JANE goes outside when THE GRUDGE appears and chases her.

JANE LEVY

Eek, a demon! It looks like me, but when I haven't showered! The horror!

The CAMERA chases JANE around for a bit instead, which is considerably more frightening. JANE is attacked by TREE BRANCHES.

JANE LEVY

A self-building Wigwam! I'm doomed!

The DEMON JANE vomits a ROOT THING that crawls up REAL JANE'S VAGINA.

ROOT THING

This movie DOES have fucking after all!

JANE LEVY

Oh, gross. That doesn't count.

Everyone else finds JANE and takes her back to the CABIN, but she becomes a PUKING ZOMBIE so they lock her in the CELLAR.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Wow, withdrawal is really terrible. If only the roads weren't flooded we could get her to a doctor.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Actually I'm pretty sure she's possessed. Her eyes are yellow, she controlled the weather by screaming, and she spoke in the voice of Lucifer.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Yeah, I've heard those can be side effects of withdrawal. She should lie down for a few minutes.

LOU goes to the bathroom and discovers POSSESSED JESSICA LUCAS is CHOPPING HER MOUTH OPEN. He runs but SLIPS ON A BANANA PEEL or part of her FACE. Yuck.

POSSESSICA LUCAS

I KILL YOU WITH HYPODERMIC NEEDLES!

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

I kill YOU with this toilet tank cover!

POSSESSICA LUCAS

Damn, I forgot, never bring a needle to a toilet tank fi-

(head smashed)

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Black one dead first. Yay.

INT. "MILDLY UNNERVING" CABIN - LATER

SHILOH takes LOU to the WORK SHED to tend his injuries since that's evidently where the MEDICAL SUPPLIES are. Meanwhile ELIZABETH BLACKMORE decides to go into the cellar alone.

ELIZABETH BLACKMORE

Are you alright, Jane? Feeling better?

JANE LEVY

(pause)

Really? I mean...just...Really?

ELIZABETH BLACKMORE

I know, heroin withdrawal's hard. You can put down that box-cutter, I need to take your temperature.

JANE LEVY

I'll think I'll sit here and see how long it takes for you to start running.

Eventually ELIZABETH starts wondering if maybe she shouldn't be here after all when JANE CHOPS HER OWN TONGUE IN HALF and MAKES OUT WITH HER!

ELIZABETH BLACKMORE

Whoo, that was hot! Blood, I mean. Devil's blood. Lukewarm, really.

ELIZABETH escapes but an INFECTION takes over her HAND and SPREADS up her ARM.

ELIZABETH BLACKMORE

(not actual line)

GIVE ME BACK MY HAAAAAAND!

JANE LEVY

Oh, come on! We're at like twenty homages-per-scene to the original films and we left out that line? What about "Who's laughing now?"

ELIZABETH CUTS OFF HER ARM but turns into a ZOMBIE anyway. SHILOH shoots her OTHER ARM and she DIES.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Is this "Easy Mode" for zombies? They don't take much to bump off.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

The book says an evil spirit must consume five souls to rise from hell and it will rain blood.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

That won't happen, if all five of us died there wouldn't be anyone to fight the final boss.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Some dog died earlier, I bet that counts. We can cleanse possessed souls by burning, burying, or dismembering them.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

We're not killing Jane! She just needs a rehab center, that's all!

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

And all the Xenomorph Aliens ever needed was some love. Now shut up and pour gasoline on the cellar door!

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

How does that burn Jane? If she took two steps away from the trapdoor she'd be fine.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Just do it while she sings the "We're gonna get you" song.

(pause)

Oh fuck, THAT got cut too? It was in the trailer and everything!

SHILOH goes into the cellar armed with SEDATIVES, the same ones which were ineffective on POSSESSED JANE earlier. JANE tries to drown him in the CELLAR JACUZZI.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

(stabbed)

No, only the thirtieth time I've been stabbed so far!

(dies)

SHILOH sedates JANE which somehow WORKS. He carries her outside and digs a grave.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Hmm, that dress doesn't match her wounds. Let me get her red dress.

He PUTS A NEW DRESS ON HER, since the climax was accidently filmed with JANE in a different dress than the other one she's been wearing. SHILOH starts BURYING HER.

JANE LEVY

I know you hate me, Shiloh. You never loved me.

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

Your stinging words disturb me with their truth!

(pause)

But I risked becoming a soulless monster just for a tiny chance of saving you. That's hardcore sibling devotion right there, of course I love you. I don't know why this bothers me at all.

He BURIES her, DIGS HER UP, and REVIVES HER with a HOMEMADE DEFIBRILLATOR because DEFIBRILLATORS are ALWAYS MAGIC.

JANE LEVY

I'm alive! My injuries are gone! And seemingly my addiction, too!

SHILOH FERNANDEZ

See, this WAS better than rehab. Now wait outside while I go into the dark house alone and get the car keys.

SHILOH walks in and stops to reminisce over some sad pictures, since ALL DANGER HAS PASSED.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

(possessed)

Alright, now you're just poking Death with your dick to see what happens.

(stabs Shiloh)

You had that coming, dammit.

SHILOH, as he dies, uses GASOLINE to BLOW UP THE CABIN. JANE survives thanks to a BLAST-PROOF WOODEN DOOR.

JANE LEVY

I made it? No way, I didn't even have to fight any-

CUE: DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC

The sky FLASHES and RAINS BLOOD. The GROUND SWELLS and OPENS. Out crawls...ANOTHER REGULAR ZOMBIE!

JANE LEVY

AUGH! Heyyyy, you're the same evil version of me from the beginning!

EVIL JANE LEVY

No, I am returned in FLESH! I can growl and slowly run knives over your leg instead of attacking you with trees and rape-roots!

JANE chops off EVIL JANE'S LEGS with a CHAINSAW.

JANE LEVY

Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no legs left.

EVIL JANE LEVY

It's just a flesh wound! Have at me then!

JANE LEVY

How did you even get here? Everyone else burned up, burning saves souls. Shiloh wasn't even possessed yet. And I came back. You're two souls short of five, and that's WITH the dog.

EVIL JANE tips the CAR over, pinning JANE on the ARM.

JANE LEVY

(still not actual line)

GIVE ME BACK MY HAAAAND!

She tries to reach the CHAINSAW to CUT HER HAND OFF, but it's just too far away!

EVIL JANE LEVY

What now? You can't lasso the chainsaw with your necklace, you dropped it by the house!

JANE LEVY

Then I'll rip my hand off with brute force!

EVIL JANE LEVY

Are you shitting me?

JANE LEVY

Yep. Right in the mouth. And calling it chocolate pudding.

She PULLS her arm off, picks up the chainsaw, and stands over the EVIL JANE, who HAS NO LEGS.

EVIL JANE LEVY

I'm STILL GOING TO WIN! I'm...(urg)...pulling myself toward you as fast as I can!

JANE LEVY

The only thing you're winning tonight is the Triple-Gore Splatter-Death Achievement. Swallow THIS.

(BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

JANE WINS. The blood rain STOPS. Daylight comes. All is well.

BRUCE CAMPBELL

(appearing in credits)

Hey, you can't make fun of an Evil Dead movie. They're not supposed to be taken seriously.

JANE LEVY

Maybe yours weren't. This one sure was. Did you hear, we may be appearing in a future sequel together!

BRUCE CAMPBELL

GROOVY!

They STUB-FIVE.

END