FADE IN:

INT. SMALL QUAINT HARMLESS ENGLISH TOWN

THOMASIN MCKENZIE is preparing to move to LONDON to attend FASHION SCHOOL.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Whee, the big city! I’ve pretty much never been anywhere before, this is gonna be amazing!!

THOMASIN’S GRANDMA

It sure will! Now, have you remembered to pack your anti-rape whistle?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Yes Grandma.

THOMASIN’S GRANDMA

And your anti-mugger mace?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

(slumping)

Yes Grandma.

THOMASIN’S GRANDMA

And your anti-serial-killer tazer?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

(long sigh)

You’re really taking the fun out of this, Grandma.

(slams suitcase shut)

Oh well whatever, off I go to London, with a skip in my step, and a dream in my heart, and the ghost of my dead mother greeting me from every reflection I see YEAH JUST GONNA RUSH RIGHT PAST THAT WITHOUT EXPLAINING BYYEEEE

(leaves)

INT. DORM ROOM

THOMASIN moves into her STUDENT HOUSING FLAT, where she meets her roommate, SYNNOVE KARLSEN.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Hi, I’m Thomasin.

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

Oh, ha ha ha, that’s adorable! “I’m Thomasin”! How quaint! Oh my, are you wearing homemade clothes? Everybody, look! Thomasin’s wearing clothes she made herself! HA HA HA! That’s PRICELESS!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Well yeah. I’m studying fashion. As are you. We... make clothes.

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

(tousles Thomasin’s hair affectionately)

Ha ha ha, “make clothes”, what a sweet little rube you are! Oh aren’t you such a perfectly darling dumb, ignorant hayseed, it’s so precious!

(puts Thomasin in affectionate headlock)

Come on everybody! Look what a precious, naive, clueless little fuckwit my new friend Thomasin is! She “makes” “clothes”, can you IMAGINE? What a dear, innocent, fucking pathetic and comical bumpkin, it’s charming, HA HA HA!

(affectionately throws Thomasin down several flights of stairs)

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

HEY MAYBE I SHOULD GET MY OWN PLACE I THINK.

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE IN SOHO (WHOOPS YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT, MOVE ALONG)

THOMASIN finds a room to rent in SOHO, where her landlady is DIANA RIGG.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

So, this is a single-occupancy room in London that is affordable to a student-slash-part-time-barmaid? What a perfectly plausible, not at all suspicious thing to exist!

DIANA RIGG

I know, right? Although I do expect your first and last week’s rent in advance because a whole bunch of previous tenants just suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Yep, I’ve got a good feeling about this place!

She MOVES IN. That night she goes to bed, only to wake up to find herself in the SWINGING SIXTIES!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Goodness! While staying in a city I have been romanticizing all my life, at night I’m being magically transported to my favorite time period as well, how fascinating!!

OWEN WILSON

(passing by on his way to 1920s Paris)

Yeah it’s a whole wish-fulfilment thing that directors like to do, don’t worry about it.

She enters a NIGHTCLUB, where in her reflection she sees that she’s living out the memories of SIXTIES SEXPOT ANYA TAYLOR-JOY.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Anya Taylor-Joy! I remember her from her breakout role in The VVitch, where she played the character... Thomasin. Huh, how often do you see THAT name?

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Attention all you oversexed and overmedicated sixties swingers! I am an engenue with dreams of becoming a pop star, and I thought the logical first step would be to come to a random club and essentially ask everybody where I go to be famous.

BARTENDER

Well then you should definitely talk to that totally trustworthy narrow Frankenstein’s monster over there, Matt Smith.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Aha! Perhaps I should ask even briefly who he is. Is he a manager? A record producer? A talent scout?

BARTENDER

He’s a person, I can guarantee you that much!

ANYA sashays over to LIVING FUNHOUSE MIRROR REFLECTION MATT SMITH.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

I’m interested in singing professionally!

MATT SMITH

In that case I’ll get you to show me what you’ve got.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

But of course!

(singing)

When you’re alone and-

MATT SMITH

Shh, shh, shut up. I just meant you should wiggle your scantily-clad behind for me. I will never show the slightest interest in your singing ability.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Oh?

MATT SMITH

Now come on, let’s go to a midnight audition in a deserted club that’s literally hidden underground.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Ooh, look at all these pretty red flags!

INT. FASHION SCHOOL

After her TIME TRAVEL DREAM, THOMASIN is inspired to start making SIXTIES CLOTHES at FASHION SCHOOL.

TEACHER

Aha, recreating one of the more stylish-yet-silly periods in fashion, I see! So are you giving it some modern twist, recontextualising it in some clever way or other?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Oh no, not at all! In fact I’m trying my darndest to recreate Anya’s dress from my dream down to the last micron. Blatant plagiarism for the win!

TEACHER

Ah yes, that’s exactly what we’re looking for in a student. No original ideas, nothing to say, somebody who’ll take fashion boldly into the twentieth century!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Hooray, doing well at fashion school fills me with sartorial glee! Or should I say... TAILOR JOY?

(booed off stage)

INT. PUB

After school, THOMASIN goes to her job as a BARMAID. TERENCE STAMP sits at the bar, wearing his usual TERENCE STAMP NIGHTMARE FACE.

TERENCE STAMP

(sinisterly)

Why... hello, young lady.

(super sinisterly and creepily)

I would like... a pint of lager.

(incredibly sinisterly and creepily with the sound of distant screams in the background and with eyes turning pure black)

...Please.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Eurgh. Who is this guy, can anybody tell me?

PUBLICAN

Terence? Why he’s a man. A man who comes around sometimes.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Uh huh, could I get a little more detail than that?

PUBLICAN

He was alive in London years ago as well as now, I can tell you that much! Also at that previous time he occasionally did things!

PATRON

Oh, is he the human who is known to have been acquainted with certain women at a certain time of the past?

PUBLICAN

He indeed may or may not be that individual!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Well this isn’t how people answer questions at all.

TERENCE STAMP

(malevolent glare for no reason)

INT. UNDERGROUND NIGHTCLUB - THE HALLUCINATORY PAST

That night, THOMASIN has another SIXTIES DREAM about ANYA.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Oh, and now she’s been hired by that incredibly reputable-seeming subterranean sleazepit she auditioned for! I can’t wait to see what kind of legitimate and artistically satisfying act she puts on!

But then it turns out that ANYA is merely part of a MOULIN ROUGE-STYLE CHORUS LINE of VIRTUALLY-NAKED GIRLS dancing for a crowd of LEERING MEN.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Oh no, poor Anya! She wanted to be a serious performer, but now look at her, made to prance around in her underwear for the entertainment of others, how demeaning!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Yes... although that’s kind of exactly what I, professional actress Anya Taylor-Joy, am doing right now if you think about it.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Well yeah - but only as part of a larger and more developed role. It’s not as though all you get to do is show off your flesh with no lines or characterisation or anything.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

(eyes dozen other half-naked dancers)

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Oh, who gives a shit about them.

MATT SMITH

Great job on the humiliating nearly-nudie dance, Anya! Hey, I’d like you to meet a valued customer of this establishment, Mr. Gross Oldcreep. Why don’t you get to know him, show him a good time, maybe find out if his sonic screwdriver could do with a polish if you know what I mean...

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

EWWW! You want me to sleep with these people? Somehow in the weeks it must have taken me to learn that elaborate underwear dance I never noticed that this place was a brothel! I guess they must keep all that stuff extremely discreet and stealthy, even backstage?

She flees BACKSTAGE where she sees the other DANCERS are all DOING HEROIN and GETTING GROPED BY PATRONS and GIVING BLOWJOBS and CONSTRUCTING ELABORATE BANNERS WHICH READ “HEY ANYA, CHECK IT OUT, THIS IS A CATHOUSE”.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Ah. Nope, I’m just the least observant human being in the United Kingdom, apparently. Welp, fuck this, I’m outta here.

MATT SMITH

Nice try, but I have the power of timeskips at my command!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

What do you me-

After the next TIMESKIP, MATT has applied some kind of AMBIGUOUS OFFSCREEN PRESSURE and now ANYA is a PROSTITUTE.

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

Aw shit.

She then proceeds to take a series of SLEAZY MIDDLE-AGED DUDES back to FUCK THEM at her FLAT, which is the same FLAT where THOMASIN now lives.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

...Please tell me Diana has replaced that mattress at some point.

INT. FASHION SCHOOL

THOMASIN is back working on her PLAGIARISM DRESS, but now no longer has the stomach for it.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

(tearing dress)

DIE, YOU GAUZY BEDROOM CURTAIN POSING AS A DRESS GLAARGHH

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

Ha ha, look everybody, the person who we know to have a family history of mental illness and suicide is showing signs of extreme anxiety! Let’s make fun of her, just like anybody with a soul would do!

MICHAEL AJAO

(eyeing Thomasin)

A complete social pariah who appears to be going literally insane? Hawt! What do you say, Thomasin, your place or mine?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Well I’m forbidden male visitors, plus my place is kinda infested with disturbing hallucinatory visions which are slowly eroding my sanity... what about your place?

MICHAEL AJAO

I live in Southwark.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

EW! My place it is then.

INT. CORPSE-FILLED HOUSE IN SOHO (ER, HA HA, “CORPSE-FILLED”? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT “CORPSE-FILLED”)

THOMASIN brings MICHAEL back to her bedroom, where they start making out on the BED. But then SIXTIES ANYA appears, getting brutally STABBED TO DEATH by MATT!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

URK I AM BEING MURDERED

(stabbed)

I GUARANTEE THAT THIS IS ANOTHER THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED LIKE ALL THE OTHER VISIONS

(stabbed)

YEP, TOTALLY REAL, NOT THROWING OUT ALL THE RULES AND TOTALLY CHEATING NOSIRREE BOB

(stabbed)

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Ugh, fucking roommates, always killing the mood even when they’re imaginary ghosts.

She naturally FREAKS OUT, prompting MICHAEL to bail. She then confronts DIANA.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Say, did anybody get murdered in my room years ago by any chance?

DIANA RIGG

Oh, this is London, people get murdered all over the place.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Right... but I’m asking specifically about my room, that I sleep in. Did anybody ever get murdered in that room.

DIANA RIGG

Look, a room’s in London long enough, eventually SOMEBODY’S gonna get stabbed to death in there.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

...So that’s a yes? Cause it feels like you’re trying very hard to not say, “Yes, somebody got murdered in there”.

DIANA RIGG

I’m just saying, show me a room in London where dozens of middle-aged perverts WEREN’T slaughtered.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

What was that?

DIANA RIGG

Hmm?

INT. LIBRARY

Unable to get a straight answer out of DIANA, THOMASIN goes to look up old murders at the LIBRARY.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Wow, the protagonist investigates a mystery by scrolling through microfilm of old newspapers? Weirdly, this is the most sixties scene in the whole movie.

(scrolls)

Let’s see, old murder, old murder, old disappearance, old disappearance, article about mysterious spate of middle-aged men disappearing, article about a man disappearing with a clearly-visible photo of a guy we already saw Anya fucking in the sixties flashbacks, wow we’re being really reckless with our upcoming plot twist, aren’t we? In fact you can even see that guy in the horde of angry old man hallucinations coming to attack me OH WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK

Indeed a crowd of HORRIBLY DISTORTED NAKED MEN from the SIXTIES appear and start CHASING HER through the LIBRARY! When one jumps out at her she instinctly tries to STAB IT IN THE FACE with some SCISSORS, but MICHAEL STOPS HER because whoops it was only SYNNOVE.

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

(blade stopped one millimeter from eyeball)

Ohhh, so THIS is why you don’t spend months deliberately antagonising mentally unstable people. Good to know.

THOMASIN FLEES.

INT. POLICE STATION

THOMASIN tries the totally RATIONAL and PRACTICAL step of reporting the murder to the COPS.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

A murder has happened! My evidence that it happened is that I dreamed it. But the murder that I dreamed really happened, you gotta believe me!

POLICE OFFICER

Oh, I heard about a recent case just like this! Clearly you’ve got a psychotic parasitic twin sticking out the back of your head. YOU’RE UNDER ARREST, BRAIN TWIN!

(starts clawing at the back of Thomasin’s skull)

WHY WON’T THIS DARN THING OPEN

THOMASIN FLEES AGAIN.

INT. PUB

THOMASIN goes to her WORKPLACE and confronts TERENCE.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

It’s gotten bad enough that I’m having to resort to my own incredibly badly-reasoned hunches. You’re current-day Matt Smith, aren’t you!

TERENCE STAMP

Seriously? Look at my face. Now picture Matt’s ridiculous Easter Island head. Now reconsider that statement.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

At some point you had a skull transplant, I don’t know! YOU KILLED ANYA!

TERENCE STAMP

(pause)

(looks at script)

(turns to director Edgar Wright)

Okay, I’m not sure why my character would say this. What if instead, I said, “Wait, what? You think I murdered Anya Taylor-Joy? No, no, no. Anya’s still alive. I can take you to see her if you want. Please don’t go around telling people I’m a murderer, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eh?

DIRECTOR EDGAR WRIGHT

Just read the fucking line, Terence.

TERENCE STAMP

(sighs)

Fine.

(sinisterly)

Anya brought her fate upon herself, that is the full extent to which I will clarify anything, MWA HA HA HA!!

She hectors him out of the PUB and then he gets HIT BY A RANDOM CAR. THOMASIN’S BOSS comes running out in HORROR.

PUBLICAN

Oh no, something terrible has happened to former police officer Terence Henry Stamp, who was a vice detective in the sixties known for trying to help prostitutes such as Anya Taylor-Joy and in no way an evil person!!!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

WELL AREN’T YOU FULL OF INFORMATION ALL OF A SUDDEN.

She finds FLEEING to still be the WINNING STRATEGY.

INT. TOTALLY REGULAR AND INNOCENT HOUSE IN SOHO (OH SURE, NOW YOU GET IT RIGHT)

THOMASIN storms in on DIANA.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Okay, I give, I’m outta here. Michael’s outside ready to give me a lift back to my nowhere hometown where I will rusticate forever, I’m not even gonna try just moving out of the murder bedroom.

DIANA RIGG

That’s a shame, dear. Before you leave, why don’t you have a cup of tea in my clue room.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

You have a clue room?

DIANA RIGG

Oh, did I never show you my clue room? It’s the room where I keep all my clues.

She serves THOMASIN some TEA in the CLUE ROOM. But then THOMASIN sees a big FRAMED PHOTO OF ANYA on the wall labelled “ME, DIANA RIGG, IN THE SIXTIES” and some MAIL addressed “TO ANYA TAYLOR-JOY, CURRENTLY ALIVE” and a TROPHY bearing the legend “MURDERER OF THE YEAR, 1965, AWARDED TO ANYA TAYLOR-JOY (WHO IS DIANA RIGG)”.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Gasp!! You?!

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

That’s right, I’M Anya! Matt didn’t murder me, he tried to but then I was able to wrangle the knife off of him and stab him instead! That ONE vision of the past, and THAT ONE ALONE, was a steaming pile of bullshit, entirely for the purposes of this twist!!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Holy shit! But I suppose if Matt was using abuse and threats to force you into a life of prostitution, and was actively trying to murder you at the time, yeah, fuck that guy, he totally deserved it.

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

Exactly! And then when I tracked down every single man who used my escort services, then murdered them too, then stuffed their corpses into the walls and floors and ceilings of this building, THEY all deserved to be viciously slain as well!!

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

...Uh... there I think you’re on slightly shakier moral ground.

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

And then when I poisoned your tea to protect my secret-

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

WHAT?! But I wasn’t even going to reveal your secret! I was going to leave town forever and not think about any of this ever again, remember?

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

Oh right, you did mention something about that. My bad!

THOMASIN sets the place on FIRE then tries to ESCAPE.

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

(rolls eyes, grabs knife)

“Gee, stabbing’s getting kinda overplayed, maybe I’ll try a nice slow poison just to shake things up”. Damnit Dianya, when you’ve got a winning formula you don’t screw with it.

(Michael bursts in to save Thomasin, gets stabbed)

See? Stick with what you’re good at.

She chases THOMASIN upstairs to the MURDER ROOM. But when she gets there she sees all the NAKED HALLUCINATION GHOSTS, and they’re PISSED.

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

Oh my! That’s actually... quite a lot of dead people. It starts to occur to me that maybe I’m not such a wonderful person after all?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Great! So you’ll come quietly and turn yourself in to the police?

DIANYA TAYLOR-RIGG

Pfft, that’s a little sane and rational for my blood. I’ll just sit here and catch fire, you run along now.

The near-dead THOMASIN grabs the near-dead MICHAEL and they manage to stagger out of the CORPSE HOUSE, which proceeds to completely burn down into a pile of RUBBLE AND CHAR-BROILED SKELETONS.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Heh, good luck to the forensics team figuring out what the hell happened in that place.

(passes out)

INT. FASHION SHOW

Months later, THOMASIN’S SIXTIES CURTAIN DRESSES are being shown off at a FASHION SHOW.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

That’s right, I finished my work on that project! I lost my taste for it when I found out that Anya was abused, but now that I know she was abused so badly that it eventually drove her insane and made her start killing people, I’ve regained my passion for sixties junk, somehow!

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

Er, so what happened then with the whole thing where you tried to stab me in the face? Were you not prosecuted or even expelled?

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

(shrugs)

Presumably both the cops and the school figured that attempting murder on you was a perfectly understandable thing to do.

SYNNOVE KARLSEN

...Fair.

Then THOMASIN notices ANYA peering at her out of a REFLECTION.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Oh hello! So now it’s not just my mother’s spirit who will be constantly watching over me, but yours as well?

(smiles warmly)

I’m so happy to see you, you deranged serial killer who tried to murder me and my boyfriend!

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY

But the only visions you had that were proven to be real were the ones caused by that extremely haunted house. So maybe me and your dead mum are just figments of your imagination, and you’re actually a crazy person.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Maybe!

(pause)

Anyway, we couldn’t think of a strong note to end this movie on, so let’s just stop kinda damply right here.

END.