RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION
The Abridged Script
MILLA JOVOVICH wakes up inside THE FIRST RESIDENT EVIL MOVIE.
Wait, are we rebooting the franchise after that trashfire Apocalypse? Hooray! That means we can finally do an adaptation that more closely mirrors the actual games instead of focusing on a lame ass story that completely shits on the source material and OH FUCK THAT’S WHAT WE’RE DOING ISN’T IT
MILLA wanders into the LASER DICING ROOM from the FIRST MOVIE that they stole from CUBE. Remember THAT? That was COOL, REMEMBER?
Prepare to die Milla! By which I mean I will attack you with a single laser beam first instead of the all encompassing net beam that would kill you instantly because my programming has been set to Troll Mode!
But MILLA climbs inside a WALL BREACH and ends up in a different level of THE GAME.
Hey this corridor was in the first movie too! Jesus, we’re really cheaping out on the production value by using all these old sets. Next thing you know they’ll be copying and pasting me in the next movie just to save money. Now according to the walkthrough there’s a huge vegetable chopper in the ceiling so I had better get in cover.
FLOOR DRONE GUN THINGY
The cover system is bugged.
MILLA is suddenly surrounded by the HAZMAT BRIGADE led by evil Umbrella scientist IAIN GLENN.
I’ve been making clones of Milla and pointlessly killing them like lab rats because I am the head of Umbrella’s Wasteful Spending Department.
The MILLA CLONE is dumped outside along with, like, 50 OTHER DEAD CLONES.
And they’re all wearing the same dress? Holy shit, does our secret underground cloning lair also have a clothing sweatshop wing too?
The dead CLONES also all have the exact same death wound and the exact same level of decomposition because that COPY/PASTE button was just TOO DAMN TEMPTING.
EXT. MAD NEVADA: FURY ROAD
The REAL MILLA is motorcycling through the desert wasteland formerly known as AMERICA.
My name is Milla. My world is fire and blood. The zombie virus Umbrella created spread across the planet and now everything’s all Grapes of Wrath while somehow keeping my make-up and white t-shirt completely stain free.
She follows a distress call to an abandoned radio station and finds the fake baby from AMERICAN SNIPER.
That’s right Milla! We’ve successfully lured you into a pointless action sequence! But first we feed you to our zombie dogs!
I’m completely unarmed. Why not just shoot me in the face?
Because we didn’t spend all this time and effort taking care of these zombie dogs not to use them. Zombie dogs, attack!
(are attacked by the dogs!)
No! Not US you idiots! Wait! Aw shiiiiiiit!!!
(becomes Kibbles 'n Bits)
EXT. DEATH VALLEY (BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY)
A convoy of human survivors scavenge for supplies.
I’m the group leader. I was supposed to be Sienna Guillory’s character from the last movie, but she suddenly realized how ridiculous fighting zombies in a miniskirt was so I’m playing Claire Redfield.
And I’m reprising my role from Resident Evil: Apocalypse as Forgettable Made Up Character #6.
So I guess that makes me the token black guy. The one other black guy in Apocalypse was bitten within seconds of appearing on screen so hopefully we won’t repeat that old tired cliche
OH COME ON SERIOUSLY?!?!!?
Sorry Mike, but our group has only survived this long by rigorously checking everyone who’s been out in the field for bites before they are allowed to rejoin the groupHAHAHAHAHA NO WE DON’T
But you shot the zombie who was on top of me. Her face was buried in my chest like it was an all you can eat inferior comedian buffet. How do you not suspect that I was bitten?
I agreed to be in The Mummy Returns, so I am clearly a moron.
INT. EVIL UNDERGROUND SCIENCE LAB
I am experimenting on zombies in an attempt to revive their humanity and thus domesticate them.
But... why? Why waste your time doing that when you have a fucking clone factory downstairs? A clone factory full of naked Milla Jovovichs, might I add. Wait, why does it say “doomed” in front my nameARARHRHAHRA
Apparently I don’t need other scientists to complete my sciency based work of mutating zombies with science. Right then, back to wasting vital exhaustible resources!
(leaves all the water faucets on)
(flushes all the toilet paper)
(sets the thermostat to 100 degrees)
(turns the air-conditioning on full blast)
(replaces all the CFLs with incandescent bulbs and leaves them on all day long)
I am good at my job.
INT. DUNE (PROBABLY)
MILLA stops at a petral station to get some GUZZOLINE and finds a brochure for an Alaskan vacation getaway. Somehow, this gives her SUPERPOWERS.
I should test these new powers by lifting something with my mind. I don’t have an X-Wing on hand so I’ll settle for my motorcycle.
(breaks her motorcycle)
INT. SURVIVOR CAMP
ALI and her group wake up the next morning to find themselves in a remake of THE BIRDS.
Oh no! Zombie crows! Everybody be sure to waste your ammo by firing randomly into the sky at them! And whatever you do by any means DON’T get safely into cover!
They DO THIS.
The CROW-BIES swarm a bus full of CHILDREN. TASTY CHILDREN.
Oh, I get it. I’m already going to die anyway so this is my chance to selflessly sacrifice what little life I have left to save these children and thus die a hero instead of a spineless coward.
He lets his girlfriend ASHANTI sacrifice herself INSTEAD.
Spineless coward it is then.
MILLA arrives and uses her MUTANT POWERS to FLAME BROIL all the CROW-BIES.
Well I guess I had better get to know some of these new redshirt faces.
Hello Milla, my name is K-Mart because K-Mart isn’t going to let a little thing like a zombie apocalypse affect their marketing campaign.
Aaaand that’s enough character development for one Resident Evil movie. So Ali, I have this journal with some vague scribblings about Alaska being safe. Let’s go there.
Yes, I will risk the life of my group on the words of a total stranger in sexy nylons.
You’ve just described like half the movies I’ve been in.
(is slowly transforming into a zombie right before everyone’s eyes)
Nothing to see here folks! Move along!
EXT. LAS VEGAS
The convoy encounters a container marked “TRAP”.
Oooh that looks promising, let’s all walk right into that, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
But it is NOT FINE. The group is ambushed by SUPER ZOMBIES. All the NAMELESS CHARACTERS we never got to know and don’t care about are KILLED.
RANDOM BASEBALL CAP GIRL
TECH KID WITH THE BOYBAND HAIRCUT
ZOMBIE MIKE EPPS
Goddamn, I am ashy as fuck. Forget about brains, somebody get me a jar of Vaseline.
Excellent. Now that Milla is out in the open I will use satellite magic to hack her brain with this VAIO! VAIO, only $799.99 where shitty electronics are sold! VAIO!
Apparently my meta-human powers can reach all the way up into space and break your satellite!
Fuck! I should have bought the warranty! Stupid VAIO shitbox! Luckily I’m safely inside my underground bunker far far away from-- wait, I’m actually 50 yards away in a flimsy tent? WHY THE HELL DID I NEED TO PHYSICALLY BE OUT HERE TO CONTROL A SATELLITE?!
EXT. EVIL UNDERGROUND SCIENCE LAB
IAIN returns to inject himself with the MORNING AFTER ZOMBIE PILL but it turns him into a JAPANESE TENTACLE MONSTER.
Meanwhile MILLA, ALI and ODED plot to break into the lab.
The entire base is surrounded by Z’s full-on Day of the Dead style. Oded, you’re already a dead man so I need you to drive this truck into the undead heard and blow yourself to kingdom come.
Only for you, my love.
Wait... are we a thing? Did we have a romance? We have about as much sexual chemistry as Bella and Edward on roofies provided by Jared Fogle inside a tornado of farts.
They get all KISSY FACED anyway.
You taste like decay.
I had Chick-fil-A for lunch.
ODED drives the WAR RIG into the WALKERS and everything goes KA-BOOM!
Quickly Ali, escape with all the survivors into that tiny helicopter!
Fortunately for me 99% of my group was killed off so we can all fit inside this mini-copter. So where are we going?
To Alaska! Surely this small chopper can fly 3,000 miles with whatever fuel’s already in the tank and no refueling! Now, to break into this covert Umbrella lab somehow.
MILLA ends up back in the MANSION SET.
Really? We’re having the big boss fight here? Did we run out of money? What did we spend it all on?
MUTATED IAIN GLEN
Certainly not on my creature make-up. I look like the Toxic Avenger fucked Swamp Thing and gave birth to Tetsuo’s vestigial twin.
They FIGHT! MILLA defends herself with telekinesis while MUTANT IAIN attacks her with UGLY.
They end up back in the LASER DICING ROOM AW REALLY AGAIN?!?!??
MUTATED IAIN GLEN
You can’t beat me, Milla. I heal instantly. The only thing that could kill me is some kind of high tech cutting beam not unlike the one found in this very room HOLY SHIT NO
Wait, who saved me?
I did! Us homegirls gotta stick together yo!
The camera pulls back to reveal an entire stockpile of nekkid MILLA JOVOVICHS.
Why don’t any of them have pubes?
This is the Brazilian batch of clones. Master Sifo-Dyas prefers a smooth bikini line.
So then. I guess I could recruit all these clones to go join Ali and the survivors in Alaska and start to rebuild society...
Or we can attack Umbrella’s Japanese base in a moronic suicide mission that ends in the destruction of the entire city where everything goes boom.
This HAPPENS in the next installment RESIDENT EVIL: ATTACK OF THE CLONES.