FADE IN:

INT. MANSION

MILLA JOVOVICH wakes up inside THE FIRST RESIDENT EVIL MOVIE.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wait, are we rebooting the franchise after that trashfire Apocalypse? Hooray! That means we can finally do an adaptation that more closely mirrors the actual games instead of focusing on a lame ass story that completely shits on the source material and OH FUCK THAT’S WHAT WE’RE DOING ISN’T IT

It IS!

MILLA wanders into the LASER DICING ROOM from the FIRST MOVIE that they stole from CUBE. Remember THAT? That was COOL, REMEMBER?

MILLA JOVOVICH

I member!

LASER ROOM

Prepare to die Milla! By which I mean I will attack you with a single laser beam first instead of the all encompassing net beam that would kill you instantly because my programming has been set to Troll Mode!

But MILLA climbs inside a WALL BREACH and ends up in a different level of THE GAME.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Hey this corridor was in the first movie too! Jesus, we’re really cheaping out on the production value by using all these old sets. Next thing you know they’ll be copying and pasting me in the next movie just to save money. Now according to the walkthrough there’s a huge vegetable chopper in the ceiling so I had better get in cover.

FLOOR DRONE GUN THINGY

The cover system is bugged.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Fuck.

(killed!)

MILLA is suddenly surrounded by the HAZMAT BRIGADE led by evil Umbrella scientist IAIN GLENN.

IAIN GLEN

I’ve been making clones of Milla and pointlessly killing them like lab rats because I am the head of Umbrella’s Wasteful Spending Department.

The MILLA CLONE is dumped outside along with, like, 50 OTHER DEAD CLONES.

IAIN GLEN

And they’re all wearing the same dress? Holy shit, does our secret underground cloning lair also have a clothing sweatshop wing too?

The dead CLONES also all have the exact same death wound and the exact same level of decomposition because that COPY/PASTE button was just TOO DAMN TEMPTING.

EXT. MAD NEVADA: FURY ROAD

The REAL MILLA is motorcycling through the desert wasteland formerly known as AMERICA.

MILLA JOVOVICH

My name is Milla. My world is fire and blood. The zombie virus Umbrella created spread across the planet and now everything’s all Grapes of Wrath while somehow keeping my make-up and white t-shirt completely stain free.

She follows a distress call to an abandoned radio station and finds the fake baby from AMERICAN SNIPER.

BANDITS

That’s right Milla! We’ve successfully lured you into a pointless action sequence! But first we feed you to our zombie dogs!

MILLA JOVOVICH

I’m completely unarmed. Why not just shoot me in the face?

BANDITS

Because we didn’t spend all this time and effort taking care of these zombie dogs not to use them. Zombie dogs, attack!

(are attacked by the dogs!)

No! Not US you idiots! Wait! Aw shiiiiiiit!!!

(becomes Kibbles 'n Bits)

Meanwhile...

EXT. DEATH VALLEY (BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY)

A convoy of human survivors scavenge for supplies.

ALI LARTER

I’m the group leader. I was supposed to be Sienna Guillory’s character from the last movie, but she suddenly realized how ridiculous fighting zombies in a miniskirt was so I’m playing Claire Redfield.

ODED FEHR

And I’m reprising my role from Resident Evil: Apocalypse as Forgettable Made Up Character #6.

MIKE EPPS

So I guess that makes me the token black guy. The one other black guy in Apocalypse was bitten within seconds of appearing on screen so hopefully we won’t repeat that old tired cliche

(bitten!)

OH COME ON SERIOUSLY?!?!!?

ODED FEHR

Sorry Mike, but our group has only survived this long by rigorously checking everyone who’s been out in the field for bites before they are allowed to rejoin the groupHAHAHAHAHA NO WE DON’T

MIKE EPPS

But you shot the zombie who was on top of me. Her face was buried in my chest like it was an all you can eat inferior comedian buffet. How do you not suspect that I was bitten?

ODED FEHR

I agreed to be in The Mummy Returns, so I am clearly a moron.

INT. EVIL UNDERGROUND SCIENCE LAB

IAIN GLEN

I am experimenting on zombies in an attempt to revive their humanity and thus domesticate them.

DOOMED SCIENTIST

But... why? Why waste your time doing that when you have a fucking clone factory downstairs? A clone factory full of naked Milla Jovovichs, might I add. Wait, why does it say “doomed” in front my nameARARHRHAHRA

(is eaten)

IAIN GLEN

Apparently I don’t need other scientists to complete my sciency based work of mutating zombies with science. Right then, back to wasting vital exhaustible resources!

(leaves all the water faucets on)

(flushes all the toilet paper)

(sets the thermostat to 100 degrees)

(turns the air-conditioning on full blast)

(replaces all the CFLs with incandescent bulbs and leaves them on all day long)

I am good at my job.

Meanwhile...

INT. DUNE (PROBABLY)

MILLA stops at a petral station to get some GUZZOLINE and finds a brochure for an Alaskan vacation getaway. Somehow, this gives her SUPERPOWERS.

MILLA JOVOVICH

I should test these new powers by lifting something with my mind. I don’t have an X-Wing on hand so I’ll settle for my motorcycle.

(breaks her motorcycle)

Well shitnuggets.

INT. SURVIVOR CAMP

ALI and her group wake up the next morning to find themselves in a remake of THE BIRDS.

ALI LARTER

Oh no! Zombie crows! Everybody be sure to waste your ammo by firing randomly into the sky at them! And whatever you do by any means DON’T get safely into cover!

They DO THIS.

The CROW-BIES swarm a bus full of CHILDREN. TASTY CHILDREN.

MIKE EPPS

Oh, I get it. I’m already going to die anyway so this is my chance to selflessly sacrifice what little life I have left to save these children and thus die a hero instead of a spineless coward.

He lets his girlfriend ASHANTI sacrifice herself INSTEAD.

MIKE EPPS

Spineless coward it is then.

MILLA arrives and uses her MUTANT POWERS to FLAME BROIL all the CROW-BIES.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Well I guess I had better get to know some of these new redshirt faces.

SPENCER LOCKE

Hello Milla, my name is K-Mart because K-Mart isn’t going to let a little thing like a zombie apocalypse affect their marketing campaign.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Aaaand that’s enough character development for one Resident Evil movie. So Ali, I have this journal with some vague scribblings about Alaska being safe. Let’s go there.

ALI LARTER

Yes, I will risk the life of my group on the words of a total stranger in sexy nylons.

MILLA JOVOVICH

You’ve just described like half the movies I’ve been in.

MIKE EPPS

(is slowly transforming into a zombie right before everyone’s eyes)

Nothing to see here folks! Move along!

EXT. LAS VEGAS

The convoy encounters a container marked “TRAP”.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Oooh that looks promising, let’s all walk right into that, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

But it is NOT FINE. The group is ambushed by SUPER ZOMBIES. All the NAMELESS CHARACTERS we never got to know and don’t care about are KILLED.

RANDOM BASEBALL CAP GIRL

(eaten)

TECH KID WITH THE BOYBAND HAIRCUT

(wishboned)

JOHNNY CAGE

(Fatality)

ZOMBIE MIKE EPPS

Goddamn, I am ashy as fuck. Forget about brains, somebody get me a jar of Vaseline.

(bites Oded)

(is headshotted)

IAIN GLEN

Excellent. Now that Milla is out in the open I will use satellite magic to hack her brain with this VAIO! VAIO, only $799.99 where shitty electronics are sold! VAIO!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Apparently my meta-human powers can reach all the way up into space and break your satellite!

IAIN GLEN

Fuck! I should have bought the warranty! Stupid VAIO shitbox! Luckily I’m safely inside my underground bunker far far away from-- wait, I’m actually 50 yards away in a flimsy tent? WHY THE HELL DID I NEED TO PHYSICALLY BE OUT HERE TO CONTROL A SATELLITE?!

(is bitten)

EXT. EVIL UNDERGROUND SCIENCE LAB

IAIN returns to inject himself with the MORNING AFTER ZOMBIE PILL but it turns him into a JAPANESE TENTACLE MONSTER.

Meanwhile MILLA, ALI and ODED plot to break into the lab.

MILLA JOVOVICH

The entire base is surrounded by Z’s full-on Day of the Dead style. Oded, you’re already a dead man so I need you to drive this truck into the undead heard and blow yourself to kingdom come.

ODED FEHR

Only for you, my love.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wait... are we a thing? Did we have a romance? We have about as much sexual chemistry as Bella and Edward on roofies provided by Jared Fogle inside a tornado of farts.

They get all KISSY FACED anyway.

MILLA JOVOVICH

You taste like decay.

ODED FEHR

I had Chick-fil-A for lunch.

ODED drives the WAR RIG into the WALKERS and everything goes KA-BOOM!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Quickly Ali, escape with all the survivors into that tiny helicopter!

ALI LARTER

Fortunately for me 99% of my group was killed off so we can all fit inside this mini-copter. So where are we going?

MILLA JOVOVICH

To Alaska! Surely this small chopper can fly 3,000 miles with whatever fuel’s already in the tank and no refueling! Now, to break into this covert Umbrella lab somehow.

(uses multi-pass)

MILLA ends up back in the MANSION SET.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Really? We’re having the big boss fight here? Did we run out of money? What did we spend it all on?

MUTATED IAIN GLEN

Certainly not on my creature make-up. I look like the Toxic Avenger fucked Swamp Thing and gave birth to Tetsuo’s vestigial twin.

They FIGHT! MILLA defends herself with telekinesis while MUTANT IAIN attacks her with UGLY.

They end up back in the LASER DICING ROOM AW REALLY AGAIN?!?!??

MUTATED IAIN GLEN

You can’t beat me, Milla. I heal instantly. The only thing that could kill me is some kind of high tech cutting beam not unlike the one found in this very room HOLY SHIT NO

(cubed!)

MILLA JOVOVICH

Wait, who saved me?

CLONE MILLA

I did! Us homegirls gotta stick together yo!

The camera pulls back to reveal an entire stockpile of nekkid MILLA JOVOVICHS.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Why don’t any of them have pubes?

CLONE MILLA

This is the Brazilian batch of clones. Master Sifo-Dyas prefers a smooth bikini line.

MILLA JOVOVICH

So then. I guess I could recruit all these clones to go join Ali and the survivors in Alaska and start to rebuild society...

CLONE MILLA

Or we can attack Umbrella’s Japanese base in a moronic suicide mission that ends in the destruction of the entire city where everything goes boom.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Bada-boom.

CLONE MILLA

Big bada-boom.

This HAPPENS in the next installment RESIDENT EVIL: ATTACK OF THE CLONES.

END