The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE
The MILLENIUM FALCON is weaving its way past several IMPERIAL STARSHIPS.
HARRISON FORD
Okay Chewie! We’ve just got to make it to lightspeed and we’ll be able to rescue Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher from the dastardly-
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
What? We’re not going on an awesome adventure?
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
We’re dropping you off at your mother’s house? Really?
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
Why would you ask your best friend to risk his life dodging enemy fire just so you could spend the holidays with your family? That’s the most selfish-
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
Fine, fine! Just stop screeching! I just hope this opening space battle doesn’t give anyone an incredibly false impression of the rest of the movie.
THE "STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL" is unleashed sponsored by GENERAL MOTORS! AND NOW A WIND BLOWS THROUGH HADES, SO COLD THAT EVEN THE OLDEST OF THE DEAD CAN FEEL ITS CHILL. FOR TODAY IS THE DAY THE "STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL" CLIMBS OUT OF THE PITS OF HELL...AND THE REST OF THE WORLD FALLS IN.
EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING
CHEWBACCA'S FAMILY mooch around their TREEHOUSE.
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of two buzzsaws hatefucking)
MOTHER WOOKIE
(sound of beehive tossed onto power line)
KID WOOKIE
(sound of competitive root canal tournament)
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of elephant with its trunk caught in trouser press)
MOTHER WOOKIE
(sound of otter suffocating to death inside a tank of helium)
KID WOOKIE
(sound of two divorced hornets shrieking obscenities to each other at a custody battle)
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of internet comment section given flesh)
MOTHER WOOKIE
(sound of Royal Stray Dog Chamber Choir)
FATHER WOOKIE
Enough! If I wanted to hear inhuman mewling for ninety minutes, I’d turn the hose on my cat! Whose idea was it to centre this special around the character who couldn’t speak English?
MOTHER WOOKIE
Beats me, you think they'd at least give us subtitles. For the purposes of sanity, let’s just pretend we’re speaking a comprehensive language, and not the sounds of a lion trying to dislodge a tourist’s leg from its larynx.
FATHER WOOKIE
So...I guess we’d better get down to the story. We’ve been delaying long enough.
NOBODY MOVES.
FATHER WOOKIE
We do have a story...Right? Anybody?
MOTHER WOOKIE
I got nothing.
KID WOOKIE
I can watch something on the Holographic Projector if it fills a few minutes.
FATHER WOOKIE
DO IT!
KID WOOKIE starts up a program.
HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR
Hello, and welcome to an amazing display of acrobatics like you've never seen before! And by acrobatics I mean cartwheels. Mostly cartwheels. You've never seen cartwheels right? Oh God, please tell me your high school never had a cheerleading squad or gymnastics team.
KID WOOKIE
(tries to act through suit made of scalps)
HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR
We can also juggle! Sometimes up to three items at once!
KID WOOKIE
YAY!
(struggles to communicate body language in dog hair coffin)
You know, it dawns on me that if you took away this Wookie costume, it'd just be a dwarf silently rocking her head back and forth as her eyes dart across the room.
HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR
Yeah, apparently Wookies communicate pleasure through nervous breakdowns.
(switches off)
MOTHER WOOKIE
Kid Wookie! You come over here and clean these dishes! I'll spend some time combing through traffic reports and sweet Jesus we're less than fifteen minutes in we cannot be grasping for material already.
FATHER WOOKIE
Time to bust out Cameo Number 2! Put Mark Hamill onscreen!
MARK HAMILL
(waving)
Hi, I'm Mark Ham-
FATHER WOOKIE
Sorry Mark, but we've got to interrupt this cameo with a quick family argument! Which is meaningless since you have no idea what we're saying!
R2-D2
Add me in the background and you've got four people in one scene shrieking gibberish!
MARK HAMILL
Shut up, shut up! I can't understand anything you're saying!
(beat)
Wait, I can't? I could at the start of this conversation!
FATHER WOOKIE
(moans)
(holds up picture of Chewbacca)
MARK HAMILL
Chewbacca's not home yet? That could mean he's in danger. This movie might have some suspense to it after all.
MOTHER WOOKIE
(moans)
MARK HAMILL
You're right. We can't have anything good in this special. I'll completely obliterate the tension by listing a bunch of reasons he could just be held up.
(beat)
But aside from that I'm just dragging things out.
(beat)
Draaaaggging this oooooouuuut.
(beat)
Luke Skywalker, brought in only to confirm that someone was stuck in traffic.
FATHER WOOKIE
Boring, let's check in on our local convenience store!
MOTHER WOOKIE
...why?
FATHER WOOKIE
I'll just put the store's interior up on wall screen. For some reason our connection has panning camera angles. I imagine it's the same reason ancient Skype conversations started with establishing shots of each participants house.
CONVENICE STORE CLERK ART CARNEY
Hello Wookies. I'm here to say that Chewbacca will be there soon.
MOTHER WOOKIE
That's exactly what Mark spent forever saying!
ART CARNEY
Oh God, it is? I wasted five minutes building up to that! Cut to something else quick!
INT. DEATH STAR
The movie is briefly brought back from the dead by EIGHT SECONDS of JAMES EARL JONES.
VOICE OF JAMES EARL JONES
I don't understand. Wasn't the Death Star blown up at this point in the timeline?
EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING. SERIOUSLY, IT LOOKS LIKE A STOCK FOOTAGE SHORT FROM ONE OF THOSE DIME-A-DOZEN CARTOONS THEY USED TO PUMP OUT IN THE EIGHTIES AND NINETIES. I KEEP EXPECTING THE MONCHHICHIS TO POP OUT.
KID WOOKIE
Did they have to show us that establishing shot again? Did they think we'd forget where'd we've spent ninety-five per cent of the movie?
FATHER WOOKIE
And did they have to cut to that scene at all? I feel like they're using the original movie to taunt us.
MOTHER WOOKIE
Whatever. I'm going to watch a cooking show now.
FATHER WOOKIE
This special's just going to be people in "Dog of Frankenstein" costumes watching things on screens, isn't it?
MOTHER WOOKIE
Some films provide a movie-with-a-movie. This film provides a-hung-over-afternoon-of-flipping-through-public-access-channels within a movie. Deal with it.
HARVEY KORMAN
(onscreen)
AAIIIEEEEE! WHAT AM I? WAS I A MANNEQUIN ANIMATED BY SATAN?
MOTHER WOOKIE
I wanted someone more grotesque looking than me. So I had the director slather you in three inches of makeup.
HARVEY KORMAN
Well screw you! Just for that, this segment's going to be nothing but me stirring a pot!
EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE
TIE FIGHTERS are blasting at the MILLENIUM FALCON.
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
Aaaah! Do we have to hear strangled bear noise even in the mildly interesting parts!?
EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING.
IMPERIAL OFFICIER
(onscreen)
This planet is now under martial law! All dissent will be crushed! All rebels will- Oh, is someone knocking on your front door? I'll just turn myself off like any friendly galaxy-wide dictatorship.
(vanishes)
ART CARNEY
Hey, remember me? I've come to personally deliver holiday presents to you all!
MOTHER WOOKIE
Thanks, but it's hard not to enjoy them when Chewie's still missing.
ART CARNEY
Aw, don't worry. If I, an aging anonymous general store clerk, can make my way through the Imperial barricade, surely Han Solo and Chewie can do the same!
(beat)
That's not just this script being snarky. This movie explicitly spells out how little danger Chewie is in. It's like every time excitement threatens to raise its ugly head we have to crush its skull.
FATHER WOOKIE
Whatcha got for me, Art?
ART CARNEY
Something called a proton pack. Is this the start of the best crossover ever?
FATHER WOOKIE
Nope! It's a Wookie sex tape!
ART CARNEY
...
FATHER WOOKIE
But a G-rated sex tape. For kids!
ART CARNEY
...
FATHER WOOKIE
Nothing better for a holiday special!
ART CARNEY
God is dead. And if I listen, I can hear something feasting on his ruin.
FATHER WOOKIE inserts the PROTON PACK into the HOLOGRAM MACHINE:
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
(moaning orgasmically)
Ooooh yes.
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of dog coming to climax)
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
Ooh, ooh! We are excited aren't we?
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of pig with a frog in its throat, and that frog has a fly in its throat, and that fly has a whole other pig in its throat)
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
I find you adorable.
FATHER WOOKIE
(sound of someone trudging through snow. Really. I guess they finally ran out of sound effects.)
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
(repeated twice)
I find you adorable.
FATHER WOOKIE
(moans)
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
(repeated three times)
I find you adorable.
FATHER WOOKIE
(moans)
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
(actual line)
(repeated four times)
I find you ador-
SHUT. UP.
FANTASY HOLOGRAM
Fine. I'll just sing a song about making this moment last an eternity, which is ironically what we've been doing for every second of the film.
INT. THREADBARE SET
CARRIE FISHER and C-3PO appear to be working in an OFFICE BUILDING.
CARRIE FISHER
Because sure, why the fuck not.
MOTHER WOOKIE appears on their screen.
CARRIE FISHER
Sorry I don't speak Wookie. Wait, am I the only character who can't?
C-3PO
Well I can! ...oh no. That's the only way they work me into the plot isn't it?
CARRIE FISHER
You think THAT'S bad. The only way they could work me, the franchise's only female main character into the movie was as "gal C-3PO has to explain things to".
MOTHER WOOKIE
(moans)
C-3PO
She says...Well, basically she says all the exposition we've heard several times now.
CARRIE FISHER
Ah. So all I'm supposed to do is drag this out.
(beat)
Draaaaggging this oooooouuuut.
(beat)
Draaaaaagggging...
(beat)
Thiiiiiiisssssss...
(beat)
Ooooouuuuuuuttt....
(beat)
S...
(beat)
L...
(beat)
O...
(beat)
W...
(beat)
L...
(beat)
Y...
(beat)
Princess Leia. Badass ambassador. Rebel leader. Gunslinging royal. Love interest extraordinaire. Only here to confirm that someone got stuck in traffic. AGAIN.
EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE
HARRISON FORD
Still in the movie!
INT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING
STORMTROOPERS raid the TREEHOUSE!
MOTHER WOOKIE
Oh thank God! Plot! Action! Storytelling!
IMPERIAL GOONS
We're here to search your house for Rebel materials!
MOTHER WOOKIE
Yes! Yes! Finally some suspen-
ART CARNEY
Hey would you guys like to see a Jefferson Starship music video?
MOTHER WOOKIE
FUUUUUUUUUU-
FATHER WOOKIE
Honey, relax! I'm sure Art is just distracting them so we can destroy the incriminating evidence. It'll be a race against time to-
ART CARNEY
Nah, I just really want to show them this Jefferson Starship video.
FATHER WOOKIE
But Chewbacca could arrive at any minute! Why would you want to keep these Stormtroopers in our house as long as possible?
ART CARNEY
Revenge for that soul-destroying Wookie orgasm scene. So long suckers!
(leaves)
IMPERIAL GOONS
Don't worry, we're not afraid to drop everything to watch a music video while in the middle of a dangerous raid in at the home of a guerrilla fighter. Here, maybe we could give you some of our armour and our blasters too?
IMPERIAL OFFICIER
And I'm not going to stop them despite being in the same room!
KID WOOKIE
To hell with this. I'm watching a cartoon.
EXT. ANIMATED DEPTHS OF SPACE
ANIMATED MARK HAMILL and CARRIE FISHER are fretting in the REBEL BASE.
ANIMATED MARK HAMILL
What the hell? Is Kid Wookie watching a cartoon...about the people who exist in his universe? Not just real people, but ones who are widely notorious criminals?
ANIMATED CARRIE FISHER
Has the Rebel Alliance been making these cartoons? I know propaganda is a mainstay of every rebel movement...but your own Saturday morning cartoon?
ANIMATED MARK HAMILL
Everyone in this cartoon has the same voice as their live-action counterparts, which implies that in-between daring adventures and smuggling missions, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, R2D2, C-3PO, and Chewbacca all voice act in their own cartoon.
(beat)
And also Darth Vader, for some reason. Maybe he needs the extra money.
ANIMATED CARRIE FISHER
Oh well. Let's look on the bright side. Even with bad animation it's generally easier to do exotic locations and massive set-pieces. So what's this cartoon about?
ANIMATED MARK HAMILL
(succumbs to sleeping virus)
ANIMATED HARRISON FORD
(succumbs to sleeping virus)
ANIMATEDD CARRIE FISHER
(written out of the movie)
ANIMATED C-3PO
Good news everyone! This short is going to focus on more Chewbacca!
AUDIENCE
FUUUUUUUUUU-
ANIMATED C-3PO
Hey, it'll also have focus on us droids! And Boba Fett!
ANIMATED BOBA FETT
BWAHAHAHAHA!! I've outwitted everyone else and I have Mark and Harrison in my power! I've never been more badass!
(beat)
Dammit. This shitty movie's my finest hour isn't it?
ANIMATED C-3PO
Oh no! How can we defeat such a terrifying villain?
ANIMATED R2D2
Simple. I'll just wake up Mark.
ANIMATED BOBA FETT
And I'll fly away without a fight! Greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy!
(flees)
ANIMATED C-3PO
...huh.
INT. MATTE PAINTING THAT ACTUALLY DOESN'T LOOK ALL THAT BAD AFTER THAT CARTOON
IMPERIAL GOONS
Kid Wookie! What's that you're watching?
KID WOOKIE
Nothing!
(switches stations)
Phew, that was close. Wait, why was I watching Rebel propaganda while there's an Imperial raid on my house? That's colossally stupid! I should watch this infomercial instead!
MOTHER WOOKIE
Yes, an infomercial where you can't buy anything. It will go well with the cooking show you couldn't cook to, the sex tape you couldn't masturbate to, and all the other shorts in this travesty.
INFOMERICAL
My product keeps malfunctioning and that's my only joke and I'll keep repeating it over and over and over and over and over...
(falls asleep)
(no really. We couldn't make any of this up)
KID WOOKIE
Okay, maybe something else then.
INT. MOS EISLEY CANINA
BEA ARTHUR
So, apparently the Empire is streaming live footage of rowdy pubs as propaganda.
PATRON
Yeah, I don't know if they've heard of, I don't know, editing stuff out, but that seems like it would be more effective.
BEA ARTHUR
I think the Empire was going for authenticity.
PATRON
Empire? Who's talking about the empire?
(mugging)
BEA ARTHUR
Hey, I'm easily the best thing about this entire special! Even though I'm going to do this!
BEA ARTHUR serenades a GIANT HAMSTER.
PATRON
...okay. I think I see what the Empire is trying to accomplish.
EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING.
IMPERIAL GOONS
Fuck this. We're out. But we're leaving one of our guys behind just in case.
(leaves)
HARRISON FORD
Hi guys! We're here, and HOLY SHIT!
STORMTROOPER
That's right Harrison! We are finally, truly, honestly going to get a bit of excitement! I'm going to give you the fight of your WHOOPS I"M TRIPPING ON A PIECE OF WOOD!
(falls off balcony)
HARRISON FORD
FUUUUUUUUUU-
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
HARRISON FORD
Oh, and now we have FOUR people shrieking Wookie noises.
(flees in terror)
KID WOOKIE
Chewie! This is the most heart-warming holiday a boy ever had! Well, aside from the corpse outside our house.
EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE
A group of WOOKIES are walking through the vacuum of space into SOME KIND OF STARGATE.
FATHER WOOKIE
We're high. That's the only explanation.
C-3PO
Indeed. For why would I suddenly be here and wishing I were human?
DOZENS OF WOOKIES
(moans)
FATHER WOOKIE
Oh JOY, we now have THRITY people shrieking Wookie noises.
MARK, HARRISON and CARRIE are suddenly there, why not.
MARK HAMILL
You know what kills me about this special? It's a bunch of people watching terrible short films in space. It was just two wisecracking robots away from a classic.
CARRIE FISHER
Hey, look at the bright side. Ninety minutes of a family doing nothing but eat and watch lousy specials makes this the most accurate holiday movie of all time.
HARRISON FORD
Hey Chewie, could you summarize how this movie made you feel with just one sound?
CHEWBACCA
(moans)
END