FADE IN:

EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE

The MILLENIUM FALCON is weaving its way past several IMPERIAL STARSHIPS.

HARRISON FORD

Okay Chewie! We’ve just got to make it to lightspeed and we’ll be able to rescue Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher from the dastardly-

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

What? We’re not going on an awesome adventure?

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

We’re dropping you off at your mother’s house? Really?

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

Why would you ask your best friend to risk his life dodging enemy fire just so you could spend the holidays with your family? That’s the most selfish-

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

Fine, fine! Just stop screeching! I just hope this opening space battle doesn’t give anyone an incredibly false impression of the rest of the movie.

THE "STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL" is unleashed sponsored by GENERAL MOTORS! AND NOW A WIND BLOWS THROUGH HADES, SO COLD THAT EVEN THE OLDEST OF THE DEAD CAN FEEL ITS CHILL. FOR TODAY IS THE DAY THE "STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL" CLIMBS OUT OF THE PITS OF HELL...AND THE REST OF THE WORLD FALLS IN.

EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING

CHEWBACCA'S FAMILY mooch around their TREEHOUSE.

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of two buzzsaws hatefucking)

MOTHER WOOKIE

(sound of beehive tossed onto power line)

KID WOOKIE

(sound of competitive root canal tournament)

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of elephant with its trunk caught in trouser press)

MOTHER WOOKIE

(sound of otter suffocating to death inside a tank of helium)

KID WOOKIE

(sound of two divorced hornets shrieking obscenities to each other at a custody battle)

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of internet comment section given flesh)

MOTHER WOOKIE

(sound of Royal Stray Dog Chamber Choir)

FATHER WOOKIE

Enough! If I wanted to hear inhuman mewling for ninety minutes, I’d turn the hose on my cat! Whose idea was it to centre this special around the character who couldn’t speak English?

MOTHER WOOKIE

Beats me, you think they'd at least give us subtitles. For the purposes of sanity, let’s just pretend we’re speaking a comprehensive language, and not the sounds of a lion trying to dislodge a tourist’s leg from its larynx.

FATHER WOOKIE

So...I guess we’d better get down to the story. We’ve been delaying long enough.

NOBODY MOVES.

FATHER WOOKIE

We do have a story...Right? Anybody?

MOTHER WOOKIE

I got nothing.

KID WOOKIE

I can watch something on the Holographic Projector if it fills a few minutes.

FATHER WOOKIE

DO IT!

KID WOOKIE starts up a program.

HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR

Hello, and welcome to an amazing display of acrobatics like you've never seen before! And by acrobatics I mean cartwheels. Mostly cartwheels. You've never seen cartwheels right? Oh God, please tell me your high school never had a cheerleading squad or gymnastics team.

KID WOOKIE

(tries to act through suit made of scalps)

HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR

We can also juggle! Sometimes up to three items at once!

KID WOOKIE

YAY!

(struggles to communicate body language in dog hair coffin)

You know, it dawns on me that if you took away this Wookie costume, it'd just be a dwarf silently rocking her head back and forth as her eyes dart across the room.

HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR

Yeah, apparently Wookies communicate pleasure through nervous breakdowns.

(switches off)

MOTHER WOOKIE

Kid Wookie! You come over here and clean these dishes! I'll spend some time combing through traffic reports and sweet Jesus we're less than fifteen minutes in we cannot be grasping for material already.

FATHER WOOKIE

Time to bust out Cameo Number 2! Put Mark Hamill onscreen!

MARK HAMILL

(waving)

Hi, I'm Mark Ham-

FATHER WOOKIE

Sorry Mark, but we've got to interrupt this cameo with a quick family argument! Which is meaningless since you have no idea what we're saying!

R2-D2

Add me in the background and you've got four people in one scene shrieking gibberish!

MARK HAMILL

Shut up, shut up! I can't understand anything you're saying!

(beat)

Wait, I can't? I could at the start of this conversation!

FATHER WOOKIE

(moans)

(holds up picture of Chewbacca)

MARK HAMILL

Chewbacca's not home yet? That could mean he's in danger. This movie might have some suspense to it after all.

MOTHER WOOKIE

(moans)

MARK HAMILL

You're right. We can't have anything good in this special. I'll completely obliterate the tension by listing a bunch of reasons he could just be held up.

(beat)

But aside from that I'm just dragging things out.

(beat)

Draaaaggging this oooooouuuut.

(beat)

Luke Skywalker, brought in only to confirm that someone was stuck in traffic.

FATHER WOOKIE

Boring, let's check in on our local convenience store!

MOTHER WOOKIE

...why?

FATHER WOOKIE

I'll just put the store's interior up on wall screen. For some reason our connection has panning camera angles. I imagine it's the same reason ancient Skype conversations started with establishing shots of each participants house.

CONVENICE STORE CLERK ART CARNEY

Hello Wookies. I'm here to say that Chewbacca will be there soon.

MOTHER WOOKIE

That's exactly what Mark spent forever saying!

ART CARNEY

Oh God, it is? I wasted five minutes building up to that! Cut to something else quick!

INT. DEATH STAR

The movie is briefly brought back from the dead by EIGHT SECONDS of JAMES EARL JONES.

VOICE OF JAMES EARL JONES

I don't understand. Wasn't the Death Star blown up at this point in the timeline?

EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING. SERIOUSLY, IT LOOKS LIKE A STOCK FOOTAGE SHORT FROM ONE OF THOSE DIME-A-DOZEN CARTOONS THEY USED TO PUMP OUT IN THE EIGHTIES AND NINETIES. I KEEP EXPECTING THE MONCHHICHIS TO POP OUT.

KID WOOKIE

Did they have to show us that establishing shot again? Did they think we'd forget where'd we've spent ninety-five per cent of the movie?

FATHER WOOKIE

And did they have to cut to that scene at all? I feel like they're using the original movie to taunt us.

MOTHER WOOKIE

Whatever. I'm going to watch a cooking show now.

FATHER WOOKIE

This special's just going to be people in "Dog of Frankenstein" costumes watching things on screens, isn't it?

MOTHER WOOKIE

Some films provide a movie-with-a-movie. This film provides a-hung-over-afternoon-of-flipping-through-public-access-channels within a movie. Deal with it.

HARVEY KORMAN

(onscreen)

AAIIIEEEEE! WHAT AM I? WAS I A MANNEQUIN ANIMATED BY SATAN?

MOTHER WOOKIE

I wanted someone more grotesque looking than me. So I had the director slather you in three inches of makeup.

HARVEY KORMAN

Well screw you! Just for that, this segment's going to be nothing but me stirring a pot!

EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE

TIE FIGHTERS are blasting at the MILLENIUM FALCON.

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

Aaaah! Do we have to hear strangled bear noise even in the mildly interesting parts!?

EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING.

IMPERIAL OFFICIER

(onscreen)

This planet is now under martial law! All dissent will be crushed! All rebels will- Oh, is someone knocking on your front door? I'll just turn myself off like any friendly galaxy-wide dictatorship.

(vanishes)

ART CARNEY

Hey, remember me? I've come to personally deliver holiday presents to you all!

MOTHER WOOKIE

Thanks, but it's hard not to enjoy them when Chewie's still missing.

ART CARNEY

Aw, don't worry. If I, an aging anonymous general store clerk, can make my way through the Imperial barricade, surely Han Solo and Chewie can do the same!

(beat)

That's not just this script being snarky. This movie explicitly spells out how little danger Chewie is in. It's like every time excitement threatens to raise its ugly head we have to crush its skull.

FATHER WOOKIE

Whatcha got for me, Art?

ART CARNEY

Something called a proton pack. Is this the start of the best crossover ever?

FATHER WOOKIE

Nope! It's a Wookie sex tape!

ART CARNEY

...

FATHER WOOKIE

But a G-rated sex tape. For kids!

ART CARNEY

...

FATHER WOOKIE

Nothing better for a holiday special!

ART CARNEY

God is dead. And if I listen, I can hear something feasting on his ruin.

FATHER WOOKIE inserts the PROTON PACK into the HOLOGRAM MACHINE:

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

(moaning orgasmically)

Ooooh yes.

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of dog coming to climax)

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

Ooh, ooh! We are excited aren't we?

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of pig with a frog in its throat, and that frog has a fly in its throat, and that fly has a whole other pig in its throat)

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

I find you adorable.

FATHER WOOKIE

(sound of someone trudging through snow. Really. I guess they finally ran out of sound effects.)

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

(repeated twice)

I find you adorable.

FATHER WOOKIE

(moans)

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

(repeated three times)

I find you adorable.

FATHER WOOKIE

(moans)

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

(actual line)

(repeated four times)

I find you ador-

SHUT. UP.

FANTASY HOLOGRAM

Fine. I'll just sing a song about making this moment last an eternity, which is ironically what we've been doing for every second of the film.

INT. THREADBARE SET

CARRIE FISHER and C-3PO appear to be working in an OFFICE BUILDING.

CARRIE FISHER

Because sure, why the fuck not.

MOTHER WOOKIE appears on their screen.

CARRIE FISHER

Sorry I don't speak Wookie. Wait, am I the only character who can't?

C-3PO

Well I can! ...oh no. That's the only way they work me into the plot isn't it?

CARRIE FISHER

You think THAT'S bad. The only way they could work me, the franchise's only female main character into the movie was as "gal C-3PO has to explain things to".

MOTHER WOOKIE

(moans)

C-3PO

She says...Well, basically she says all the exposition we've heard several times now.

CARRIE FISHER

Ah. So all I'm supposed to do is drag this out.

(beat)

Draaaaggging this oooooouuuut.

(beat)

Draaaaaagggging...

(beat)

Thiiiiiiisssssss...

(beat)

Ooooouuuuuuuttt....

(beat)

S...

(beat)

L...

(beat)

O...

(beat)

W...

(beat)

L...

(beat)

Y...

(beat)

Princess Leia. Badass ambassador. Rebel leader. Gunslinging royal. Love interest extraordinaire. Only here to confirm that someone got stuck in traffic. AGAIN.

EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE

HARRISON FORD

Still in the movie!

INT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING

STORMTROOPERS raid the TREEHOUSE!

MOTHER WOOKIE

Oh thank God! Plot! Action! Storytelling!

IMPERIAL GOONS

We're here to search your house for Rebel materials!

MOTHER WOOKIE

Yes! Yes! Finally some suspen-

ART CARNEY

Hey would you guys like to see a Jefferson Starship music video?

MOTHER WOOKIE

FUUUUUUUUUU-

FATHER WOOKIE

Honey, relax! I'm sure Art is just distracting them so we can destroy the incriminating evidence. It'll be a race against time to-

ART CARNEY

Nah, I just really want to show them this Jefferson Starship video.

FATHER WOOKIE

But Chewbacca could arrive at any minute! Why would you want to keep these Stormtroopers in our house as long as possible?

ART CARNEY

Revenge for that soul-destroying Wookie orgasm scene. So long suckers!

(leaves)

IMPERIAL GOONS

Don't worry, we're not afraid to drop everything to watch a music video while in the middle of a dangerous raid in at the home of a guerrilla fighter. Here, maybe we could give you some of our armour and our blasters too?

IMPERIAL OFFICIER

And I'm not going to stop them despite being in the same room!

KID WOOKIE

To hell with this. I'm watching a cartoon.

EXT. ANIMATED DEPTHS OF SPACE

ANIMATED MARK HAMILL and CARRIE FISHER are fretting in the REBEL BASE.

ANIMATED MARK HAMILL

What the hell? Is Kid Wookie watching a cartoon...about the people who exist in his universe? Not just real people, but ones who are widely notorious criminals?

ANIMATED CARRIE FISHER

Has the Rebel Alliance been making these cartoons? I know propaganda is a mainstay of every rebel movement...but your own Saturday morning cartoon?

ANIMATED MARK HAMILL

Everyone in this cartoon has the same voice as their live-action counterparts, which implies that in-between daring adventures and smuggling missions, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, R2D2, C-3PO, and Chewbacca all voice act in their own cartoon.

(beat)

And also Darth Vader, for some reason. Maybe he needs the extra money.

ANIMATED CARRIE FISHER

Oh well. Let's look on the bright side. Even with bad animation it's generally easier to do exotic locations and massive set-pieces. So what's this cartoon about?

ANIMATED MARK HAMILL

(succumbs to sleeping virus)

ANIMATED HARRISON FORD

(succumbs to sleeping virus)

ANIMATEDD CARRIE FISHER

(written out of the movie)

ANIMATED C-3PO

Good news everyone! This short is going to focus on more Chewbacca!

AUDIENCE

FUUUUUUUUUU-

ANIMATED C-3PO

Hey, it'll also have focus on us droids! And Boba Fett!

ANIMATED BOBA FETT

BWAHAHAHAHA!! I've outwitted everyone else and I have Mark and Harrison in my power! I've never been more badass!

(beat)

Dammit. This shitty movie's my finest hour isn't it?

ANIMATED C-3PO

Oh no! How can we defeat such a terrifying villain?

ANIMATED R2D2

Simple. I'll just wake up Mark.

ANIMATED BOBA FETT

And I'll fly away without a fight! Greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy!

(flees)

ANIMATED C-3PO

...huh.

INT. MATTE PAINTING THAT ACTUALLY DOESN'T LOOK ALL THAT BAD AFTER THAT CARTOON

IMPERIAL GOONS

Kid Wookie! What's that you're watching?

KID WOOKIE

Nothing!

(switches stations)

Phew, that was close. Wait, why was I watching Rebel propaganda while there's an Imperial raid on my house? That's colossally stupid! I should watch this infomercial instead!

MOTHER WOOKIE

Yes, an infomercial where you can't buy anything. It will go well with the cooking show you couldn't cook to, the sex tape you couldn't masturbate to, and all the other shorts in this travesty.

INFOMERICAL

My product keeps malfunctioning and that's my only joke and I'll keep repeating it over and over and over and over and over...

(falls asleep)

(no really. We couldn't make any of this up)

KID WOOKIE

Okay, maybe something else then.

INT. MOS EISLEY CANINA

BEA ARTHUR

So, apparently the Empire is streaming live footage of rowdy pubs as propaganda.

PATRON

Yeah, I don't know if they've heard of, I don't know, editing stuff out, but that seems like it would be more effective.

BEA ARTHUR

I think the Empire was going for authenticity.

PATRON

Empire? Who's talking about the empire?

(mugging)

BEA ARTHUR

Hey, I'm easily the best thing about this entire special! Even though I'm going to do this!

BEA ARTHUR serenades a GIANT HAMSTER.

PATRON

...okay. I think I see what the Empire is trying to accomplish.

EXT. AMAZINGLY OBVIOUS MATTE PAINTING.

IMPERIAL GOONS

Fuck this. We're out. But we're leaving one of our guys behind just in case.

(leaves)

HARRISON FORD

Hi guys! We're here, and HOLY SHIT!

STORMTROOPER

That's right Harrison! We are finally, truly, honestly going to get a bit of excitement! I'm going to give you the fight of your WHOOPS I"M TRIPPING ON A PIECE OF WOOD!

(falls off balcony)

HARRISON FORD

FUUUUUUUUUU-

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

HARRISON FORD

Oh, and now we have FOUR people shrieking Wookie noises.

(flees in terror)

KID WOOKIE

Chewie! This is the most heart-warming holiday a boy ever had! Well, aside from the corpse outside our house.

EXT. DEPTHS OF SPACE

A group of WOOKIES are walking through the vacuum of space into SOME KIND OF STARGATE.

FATHER WOOKIE

We're high. That's the only explanation.

C-3PO

Indeed. For why would I suddenly be here and wishing I were human?

DOZENS OF WOOKIES

(moans)

FATHER WOOKIE

Oh JOY, we now have THRITY people shrieking Wookie noises.

MARK, HARRISON and CARRIE are suddenly there, why not.

MARK HAMILL

You know what kills me about this special? It's a bunch of people watching terrible short films in space. It was just two wisecracking robots away from a classic.

CARRIE FISHER

Hey, look at the bright side. Ninety minutes of a family doing nothing but eat and watch lousy specials makes this the most accurate holiday movie of all time.

HARRISON FORD

Hey Chewie, could you summarize how this movie made you feel with just one sound?

CHEWBACCA

(moans)

END