FADE IN:

EXT. 1950'S HILL VALLEY

OTHER MICHAEL J. FOX vanishes with the DELOREAN into 1985 to remind himself not to appear in TEEN WOLF TOO.

Our MICHAEL J. FOX pitches BACK TO THE FUTURE II to 1950's CHRISTOPHER LLOYD.

1950'S CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Thanks for the update. I don't feel like it was fully needed, but I appreciated it.

MICHAEL J. FOX

You also sent me a letter from 1885 through the world's most fastidious Western Union.

LETTER FROM 1885 CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Dear Mikey. I've been happily LARPing as a cowboy in 1885 for several months.

1950'S CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Huh, I wonder if there are three-dimensional portrayals of Native Americans there.

LETTER FROM 1885 CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

No, I'm afraid that won't be invented until the 2070's. I left the DeLorean in an abandoned goldmine that hopefully no one goes investigating within the next 70 years. You'll have to repair it to go home, unless you want to use it to rescue me instead! Haha jk... Unless...?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD'S TOMBSTONE

(gets happened upon)

I get murdered by Thomas F. Wilson's great-grandpa! Played by Thomas F. Wilson. After getting a gamer girlfriend.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Do tombstones usually say how the person died?

1950'S CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

I don't want that to happen to me! Wait... is that my future? Can... multiple timelines... exist... at the same time?

MICHAEL J. FOX

I don't know, we usually sprinkle in visual gags to distract from questions like that.

CUT TO: MICHAEL J. FOX wearing a stupid SCIENCE-THEMED COWBOY OUTFIT.

1950'S CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Haha! Now that's more like it.

MICHAEL hops in the DELOREAN and zaps away into the COWBOY TIMES DESERT.

Some NATIVE AMERICANS are understandably frustrated with the way they've been represented.

NATIVE AMERICANS

(shoot arrows at the DeLorean)

An ARROW hits the FUEL LINE of the DELOREAN. All the GAS leaks OUT.

MICHAEL J. FOX

That was extremely bad luck for me. But at least there's no way this situation can get any worse.

A BEAR shows up.

BEAR

Guess again, bitch!

MICHAEL J. FOX runs several inches before FALLING OFF A CLIFF and waking up on a piece of land implausibly owned by his IRISH IMMIGRANT ANCESTORS.

INT. IRISH ANCESTORS HOME

MICHAEL wakes up in bed where IRISH LEA THOMPSON has been taking care of him. You know the drill.

IRISH LEA THOMPSON

Is your name Christopher Lloyd? That's what it says on yer drawers.

MICHAEL J. FOX

No, I'm just borrowing these from a friend. My last pair was extremely soiled.

(pause)

So you're from my dad's side of the family? You look exactly like my mom. That's either a huge coincidence, or my family has a history of incest.

IRISH LEA THOMPSON

Is that some kind o' pick-up line?

EXT. 1800'S HILL VALLEY

MICHAEL J. FOX walks into a SALOON wearing a STUPID HAT that his great-great-grandpa, IRISH MICHAEL J. FOX gave him to go with his STUPID COWBOY CLOTHES. THOMAS F. WILSON is there in a costume made of DIRT.

THOMAS F. WILSON

You look like that Irish immigrant I hate, but with different hair, makeup, and costume. What are those clothes, Chinese or something?

Everyone bursts into LAUGHTER even though they don't like THOMAS F. WILSON because his FUNNY and FAMILY-FRIENDLY CHINESE JOKE is just so HILARIOUS.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Hey, I know you, you're Thomas F. Wilson!

THOMAS F. WILSON

Yes which means I have the PSYCHOPATHIC RAGE GENE!

THOMAS and GOONS fire their pistols FURIOUSLY and CHASE MICHAEL OUT OF THE SALOON.

THOMAS F. WILSON

I hope you're ready to get hate crimed!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD appears in COWBOY cosplay and SAVES THE DAY using the power of TECHNOLOGY. He brings MICHAEL to his STEAMPUNK WORKSHOP slash BACH PAD.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Your grave said you're gonna die in three days, so we gotta get out of here fast. I was thinking we could take some gas out of the other DeLorean, the one you took to get here.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mikey, I'm afraid I've been huffing that gas and it's long gone. Did you think my quirky exuberance comes naturally?

MICHAEL J. FOX

Oh no. So that means you'll have to use your scientific genius to devise an electric motor that we--

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

We're gonna have to put the DeLorean on the train tracks, steal a train, and push the DeLorean to top speed.

CHRISTOPHER holds a RAG to his face and INHALES.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Your grave also said you're gonna get a hot gamer girlfriend.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Me, a girlfriend? Impossible! I use my HEAD, not my HEART!

Enter MARY STEENBURGEN.

MARY STEENBURGEN

I'm cute as a button and I like Sci-fi!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Oh yeah, I'm suuure you like Sci-fi. You probably think Blade Runner is like the deepest thing ever, right?

MARY STEENBURGEN

It's alright, but I think the book is better.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD SWOONS and they go to the TOWN SHINDIG to OLD-TIMEY DANCE.

THOMAS F. WILSON

It's murdering time!!!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Wait, no it's not! We still have three days!

THOMAS F. WILSON

GRRRRR. You've made me angry! Now YOU'RE the one I'm gonna kill in three days!

TOWN SHERRIF

I'm gonna de-escalate this situation and then never show up again.

MARY STEENBURGEN

I own a telescope.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Are you the Amy to my Sheldon?

CHRISTOPHER and MICHAEL go to the RAILROAD TRACKS and use a CONTRAPTION to GLIDE the DELOREAN onto the RAILS which are MIRACULOUSLY spaced the SAME DISTANCE as the car's WHEELBASE.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

It's a metaphor for true love, Mikey. That's why I'm choosing to stay in 1885 to be with my otaku princess.

MICHAEL J. FOX

But Doc, you can't! You use your HEAD, not your HEART, remember?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

You're right. Never mind.

CHRISTOPHER goes to MARY STEENBURGEN'S HOUSE

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mary, I'm afraid I can't see you anymore because I'm a time traveler and have to return to my home in the future.

MARY STEENBURGEN

How does your time travel deal with the Grandfather Paradox?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

We have this visual effect where photos and newspaper headlines change when you alter history, and sometimes a person starts dissolving away slowly. It's not very consistent.

MARY STEENBURGEN

That's stupid!

She SLAMS the door in his face.

INT. SALOON

CHRISTOPHER is drinking his woes away.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

My HEAD says to go, but my HEART says...

He PASSES OUT.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Wake up Doc, we gotta hurry! Only a few more minutes before--

THOMAS F. WILSON

Murder time!!! Come out and duel me Michael J. Fox, unless you're chicken!

The whole town GATHERS to see the duel, including IRISH MICHAEL J. FOX.

IRISH MICHAEL J. FOX

Dahn't lesten to 'im, sahn. you're naht a checken. dat fella's dick as shite and ahnly 'alf as 'andy. use yooehr 'ead.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Is this what character arcs look like?

MICHAEL uses the BULLETPROOF VEST trick from FISTFUL OF DOLLARS.

THOMAS F. WILSON

Doesn't the villain in that have a thing where he always shoots the heart? Whereas I might shoot you in the exposed face, neck, shoulders, arms, legs, crotch...

MICHAEL J. FOX

I'm no longer interested in reckless acts that prove my bravery! So you'll just have to go ahead and shoot!

THOMAS F. WILSON SHOOTS and the bullet RICOCHETS off MICHAEL J. FOX'S CHEST.

THOMAS F. WILSON

Nooooo! I'm humiliated!

(collapses into a pile of manure)

IRISH MICHAEL J. FOX

Haha! Dat dere remends me o' de first two!

The BARTENDER helps MICHAEL wake up CHRISTOPHER by pouring HOT SAUCE down his THROAT.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

I'm awake! And the hot sauce reminded me, where are all the minorities?

MICHAEL SLAPS CHRISTOPHER.

MICHAEL J. FOX

You're still talking a little funny Doc. Come on, we gotta go!

EXT. TRAIN

They steal a train very EASILY and make it push the DELOREAN very FAST. MICHAEL gets into the DELOREAN while CHRISTOPHER shovels fuel into the steam engine. MARY STEENBURGEN clings to the side of the speeding train.

MARY STEENBURGEN

I climbed onto the moving train to surprise you!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Wow, what a quirky display of exuberance!

MARY STEENBURGEN holds a RAG to her face and INHALES.

MARY STEENBURGEN

I've had a change of HEART! Sci-fi doesn't have to be logical!

It just has to be nostalgic and fun and not make you use your HEAD too much! I want to be with you Christopher!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD tears up and the two safely JUMP OFF THE TRAIN.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

(through walkie talkie)

Mikey, I've decided to use my HEART, so I'm never going to see you again. Good luck making friends your own age.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Sure, Doc, but there's something I forgot to ask you! What happens if I zap back to 1985, and there's a train coming directly at me?

Before CHRISTOPHER can respond, the DELOREAN ZAPS MICHAEL back to 1985, where a TRAIN is speeding directly AT him. He JUMPS OUT just in time before the train OBLITERATES the DELOREAN like it was TISSUE PAPER.

MICHAEL J. FOX

I'm trying to remember if I left my sunglasses in there...

He goes to his HOUSE.

MICHAEL'S FAMILY

We're the same as when you left.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Nice.

He goes to ELISABETH SHUE'S house.

ELISABETH SHUE

Hey, I was just snoozing here in the same place you left me in the Thomas F. Wilson Trump timeline.

MICHAEL J. FOX

How does that... ?

ELISABETH SHUE

Let's not get into it.

They go for a nice drive and MICHAEL J. FOX'S DOUCHEBAG FRIEND pulls up next to them at a stoplight.

DOUCHE

Heyyyyy Michael J. Fox whatsupppp! Wanna race meee? Or are ya chickennn?

ELISABETH SHUE

Michael, when we went into the future, I saw that you were still friends with this guy in thirty years.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Jesus, I was?

(to douche)

No, not this time.

DOUCHE

Oh, okayyyyy. Wannna hang out laterrr thoughhhh?

MICHAEL J. FOX

I'll check my calendar and let you know.

The light turns green and the DOUCHE peels out. He goes on to win SIX GRAMMY AWARDS and be INDUCTED INTO THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME with his band THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Dodged a bullet there.

ELISABETH SHUE

No kidding.

A FLYING 1800s TRAIN zaps out of thin air. CHRISTOPHER LLOYD and MARY STEENBURGEN step out in STEAMPUNK COSPLAY.

CHRISTOPER LLOYD

Mikey! Elisabeth! I built another time machine and I want to introduce you to my family!

TWO BOYS step in from the train.

MARY STEENBURGEN

Our sons, Sci and Fi.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Remember to follow your HEARTS! You control your own destiny!

MICHAEL J. FOX

That's beautiful, Doc! I thought I'd never see you again. Wanna grab a bite to eat?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Bye!!!

The train ZAPS AWAY.

A cool HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS song plays over the credits.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Actually, Huey Lewis's great grandfather was on the train we destroyed. Instead we'll be enjoying the credits to a tune by ZZ Top.

END