"I tell you, this city wants to eat BABIES, BABIES, BABIES!!!" (our Toronto readers are DYING right now, trust me)

RUN THIS TOWN

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. TORONTO CITY HALL - 2013

A bunch of MILLENNIALS sit around the council room in the middle of the night doing POLITICS STUFF and drinking COOL REFRESHING STEAMWHISTLE PILSNER.

NINA DOBREV

So we gotta figure out if office expenses means, like, the literal room you work in, or like, your elected office. This will feed into a brief plot point later so we REALLY gotta hash this out, like, at great length.

MENA MASSOUD

Eh who cares? We gotta get people more booze! Cheaper booze, everywhere you look! Buck a beer! Oh wait, that's DOUG Ford in 2018. These Ford brothers and their hooch, I tells ya.

(chugs Steamwhistle)

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - SOMEWHERE IN TORONTO

Aspiring intern BEN PLATT, having just collected his BACHELOR'S OF DOUCHERY, arrives for a job interview.

SCOTT SPEEDMAN

So tell me why you want to work here, at the Record, rather than for a real newspaper that exists.

BEN PLATT

I figure since we've sold this on being The Rob Ford Movie, and people are expecting a story built from the sensational real-life events, we should instead focus on some fictional doofus who's not based on anyone real and achieves nothing and whines a lot. That's where I come in!

SCOTT SPEEDMAN

You're hired.

BEN runs home to celebrate his new entry-level zero-prestige job but his STUPID SISTER announces she is PREGNANT with some DUMB BABY and that's considered to be MORE IMPORTANT SOMEHOW, STUPID PARENTS NOT APPRECIATING A MENIAL INTERNSHIP, GUHHH. Sadly there are no BALLOONS FOR BEN today.


Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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