FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN STATION NOT IN THE MATIRX

KEANU stands up to find a group of SYMBOLIC FIGURES.

KEANU REEVES

Whoa.

YOUNGEST PIECE OF SYMBOLISM

Hi. My name is Sati-80271. Your name is Keanu Reeves. My papa says you're that moron from Bill and Ted, are you?

KEANU REEVES

What? No, that was Alex Winter. Stupid kid..

ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM

Hi Keanu. My wife and I are programs from the machine world, responsible for various tasks in the land of the machines. We somehow managed to have a daugher and now we're using this conduit to take her into the matrix where she will be safe. You are here because you are partially tied to the matrix even though you're not plugged in.

KEANU REEVES

Fuck!

ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM

What's wrong?

KEANU REEVES

I was really hoping this movie was going to make more sense than Reloaded. Dammit!

ADULT FEMALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM

WhatAreYouDoingHere. YouDoNotBelongHere.

ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM

Ha ha, I apologize for my wife, she's a terrible actress. More wooden than you, even.

Meanwhile..

INT. RAVER CLUB ACTUALLY IN THE MATRIX

SING NGAI leads LAURENCE FISHBURNE and CARRIE-ANNE MOSS into a nightclub. They are met by BOUNCERS.

BOUNCERS

Hmmm.. The lady in leather can come in, but you two guys will have to go party somewhere else tonight.

SING and LAURENCE pull out GUNS and begin shooting the place up. The BOUNCERS jump onto the ceiling and fire back. At one point, one BOUNCER seems to empty an entire clip at LAURENCE while he faces an entirely different direction. LAURENCE slowly turns and kills the BOUNCER, somehow. One bouncer faces CARRIE-ANNE head-on. She moves slightly in random directions, then jumps a tiny bit and punches the air.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Shit! It's not working!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

It's Forward-Forward-Back-Up-X.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

I'm fucking doing that!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Do it a little slower. Make sure to press every button.

She moves again, jumps, and punches the air.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Fuck!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Try it faster, like all in one big motion. Hit forward an extra time first, too.

CARRIE-ANNE jumps into the air using her signature CRANE special move and kicks the BOUNCER backwards into the wall.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Yeah! That did it!

They proceed into the club and are met by LAMBERT WILSON.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

You run a fucking nightclub?

LAMBERT WILSON

Are you kidding? Did you see what my orgasm cake did to that woman in the restaurant? I make four hundred bucks a pill selling E here.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Well, we're here to get Keanu back. Give him back to us.

LAMBERT WILSON

Fine. But first, you must kill the Oracle. That, or fight your way through my army of candy ravers.

RAVER

Oh my god, it feels soooo good to rub my hands against my backpack right now! Hey, does anyone want a massage?

CARRIE-ANNE grabs a gun and points it at LAMBERT'S HEAD.

LAMBERT WILSON

What do you hope to accomplish? You're totally outnumbered here.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Look, I think we've tested the audience's patience enough already. Just give us Keanu and let's get on with the movie.

LAMBERT WILSON

Sacre Bleu!

They get KEANU out of the train station and return to the REAL WORLD. Meanwhile, KEANU visits MARY ALICE.

MARY ALICE

Hey.

KEANU REEVES

Something's different...

MARY ALICE

Appearance? Voice? Speech mannerisms? Pretty much everything about me?

KEANU REEVES

Did you get a haircut?

MARY ALICE

(sighing)

Look, you and Hugo Weaving are opposites, so he's super powerful now. You have to destroy him or we all die.

KEANU REEVES

Fine. But, why didn't you tell me about all that stuff The Explainer told me about before, when I first found out I was The One?

MARY ALICE

Well, did you like Matrix Reloaded?

KEANU REEVES

Not particularly.

MARY ALICE

Did you like the first Matrix?

KEANU REEVES

Yeah, it was awesome.

MARY ALICE

There you go.

INT. A SHIP NOT IN THE MATRIX

KEANU meets back up with everyone in the REAL WORLD.

KEANU REEVES

Hi everyone. I know now what I need to do. I must travel to the machine city.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

What? Why?

KEANU REEVES

Because you guys are fucked. I'm switching to the winning team, bitches.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

I'm coming with you.

KEANU REEVES

I love you. I want you to know though, I probably won't be coming back, so neither will you.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Please, you're one crown of thorns short of being Jesus Christ. I think everyone has known since the start of the last movie you're going to have to sacrifice yourself.

KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE pilot the DOOMED SHIP toward the machine world, while everyone else travels to the DOOMED ZION.

INT. A DIFFERENT SHIP, ALSO NOT IN THE MATRIX

KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE are flying the ship when suddenly, the second act finally kicks in.

IAN BLISS

Hello Mr. Reeves. Do you recognize me? I'm vacationing in your world. Would you like to see my brochyuuuuurrrrrree?

KEANU REEVES

Weaving!

They FIGHT. The fighting in the real world is gritty and realistic, unlike the elegant, sissy kung-fu everyone liked the first movie so much for. KEANU wins! Sort of!

Meanwhile..

INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX

HARRY LENNIX prepares his handful of troops to fight against the enormous army of sentinels coming. Everyone gets into their BATTLEMECHS while NATHANIEL LEES gives a motivational speech.

NATHANIEL LEES

I know many of you are scared tonight. I also know many of you wonder why we spent so many resources recreating Mechwarrior instead of, perhaps, making EMPs that could be triggered remotely. Well I want you all to remember: if we have to give these bastards our lives, WE PUT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS CREW THROUGH HELL BEFORE WE DO!

Everyone cheers. Thousands of computer models fly all around the screen and there are explosions every so often. The Sentinels travel single-file and get picked off by the GIANT CGI ROBOT SUITS.

SENTINELS

Spread out! Travel in different directions than each other!

The Sentinels begin to easily overtake the rebels.

EXT. MACHINE CITY, BUT NOT THE MATRIX

KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE fly into the city. A hundred sentinels fly at them, and KEANU blows up all but ten of them with his mind.

KEANU REEVES

I can't get the last ten. My limit is ninety. Fly into the sky.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Whatever.

She does. Her face fills with light as she sees the sun for the first time in her life.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should've sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea.

KEANU REEVES

(muttering)

Stupid agent.. blinding me with electrical wires..

The ship begins falling, into the machine city.

KEANU REEVES

Ahh! Aim for the center of the city! Pump the igniter!

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

I - I can't! Everywhere I look I see these giant red dots.. Sometimes they're kinda greenish or blueish!

KEANU REEVES

No! You looked at the sun too long! Look at stuff out of the corner of your eye!

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

Oh my god, it's so annoying! I can't look straight at anything because of these dots! What the hell?!

KEANU REEVES

Carrie-Anne, concentrate! You have to look --

SUDDENLY, the ship crashes into the city somewhere. KEANU walks out and meets with A GIANT MACHINE WITH A FAT FACE CREATED BY HUNDREDS OF LITTLE FLYING MACHINES.

SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE

What the hell do you want?

KEANU REEVES

I just want this movie to have one more scene that actually takes place in the matrix before the trilogy ends. I will face Hugo Weaving and we'll beat up on each other.

SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE

Good. There's no way I, as the machine running this whole show, could ever just delete Hugo on my own. I need you to kill him in a simulated reality, that'll do the trick.

KEANU jacks in. In Zion, all the machines PAUSE.

EXT. CITY STREET - FINALLY IN THE DAMN MATRIX

KEANU faces HUGO.

HUGO WEAVING

Mr. Reeves, welcome back. Pretty cool rain, huh? Yeah, I did that.

KEANU REEVES

This ends now. There's no way anyone would tolerate a fourth movie.

HUGO WEAVING

Oh, I know it ends. I already know everything that's going to take place for the next twenty minutes because I've been watching episodes of Dragon Ball Z for days.

They fight in mid-air for a while, pounding the hell out of each other. Eventually, HUGO beats KEANU. KEANU gets back up.

HUGO WEAVING

Why do you keep fighting? Why? Why? You know you can't win!

KEANU REEVES

I can't?

HUGO WEAVING

Of course not! Look around you, you're surrounded by billions of me! How can you not realize it's pointless?

KEANU REEVES

(shrugging)

I'm Keanu Reeves, what the hell do you expect?

HUGO converts KEANU into another HUGO clone.

HUGO WEAVING

I win!

OTHER HUGO WEAVING

Which makes you lose, because any system must balance itself. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Nyah!

All of the HUGO WEAVINGS EXPLODE.

HUGO WEAVING

(exploding)

What? This is bullshit!

AUDIENCE

Seriously.

INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX

The machines all leave.

HARRY LENNIX

It doesn't make sense.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

The fact that the machines are leaving?

HARRY LENNIX

No, this whole ending! I mean, taken purely as a symbolic film, where nothing portrayed literally happens but is merely a metaphor for various philosophical concepts, sure. But as a literal film - a telling of a story - this is insane. Why couldn't these events have taken place sooner? Or through entirely different means altogether?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Who cares? The point is we can all return to the surface now! We can live in coexistence with the machines!

JADA PINKETT SMITH

Yeah! And we can slowly rebuild civilization on the surface, getting us back to where we were when the war started.

HARRY LENNIX

Yeah! And we can secretly develop better weapons for destroying the machines, which we can eventually use many years down the line to completely eradicate all of the machine world!

EVERYONE ELSE

Yeah! Kill the machines! ZI-ON! ZI-ON! ZI-ON!

END