FADE IN:

Over a BLACK SCREEN appears nice large legible introduction text that everyone in the theatre can read, DENIS VILLENEUVE.

INTRO TEXT

The year is 2019. Special cops called Blade Runners must hunt down and kill runaway androids called Replicants. This was not called execution, because that's something you do to human beings. It was instead called retirement, which is a thing human beings do.

(pause)

Clearly they hadn't quite got the hang of distancing terminology yet. I mean, "discontinued" was right there.

We pan over DARK DREARY RAINY FUTURE LOS ANGELES with its FLYING CARS and zoom in on the TYRELL CORPORATION.

INT. TYRELL CORPORATION

BLADE RUNNER MORGAN PAULL is giving an EMPATHY TEST to BRION JAMES to see if he is a REPLICANT.

MORGAN PAULL

First question. A hurricane decimates one of your island territories. 80% has no power or water. You throw rolls of paper towel at them and say it's all their fault anyway.

BRION JAMES

What? No I fucking don't. This test is stupid, nobody would ever fail this in a million years.

MORGAN PAULL

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll have to try something more subtle, like oh I don't know YO MOMMA IS SO FAT SHE DOESN'T START A NEW LIFE IN THE OFFWORLD COLONIES, SHE IS AN OFFWORLD COLONY

BRION JAMES

You got me. But since I'm trying to lay low and infiltrate my way to Tyrell I should probably dispose of you as quietly as possible OR, THEN AGAIN, SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND THE WALL BEHIND YOU

(destroys entire room)

Cool. Now I just gotta figure a way out of the top of this huge giant office building where I just loudly murdered a cop. Or we could just cut away to

EXT. THE DIRTY GRIMY BLECCHY STREETS OF LOS ANGELES, 2019

CARS FLY OVERHEAD as HARRISON FORD jadedly eats STREET FOOD. Just then-

HARRISON FORD (V/O)

(record scratch)

(freeze frame)

Yeah, that's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation...

HARRISON FORD

What the fuck?!

HARRISON FORD (V/O)

So yeah this movie is called Blade Runner, which is my job. I'm a Blade Runner. I hunt down renegade androids in this movie starring me, Harrison Ford, playing a Blade Runner.

HARRISON FORD

OH GOD SHUT UP holy fuck why did the studio insist on adding you.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

(arriving)

Fucked if I know, I mean, in two seconds the shop owner points at you saying "BLADE RUNNER" real loud, seems pretty obvious.

(handed note)

Um, I mean, YOU COME NOW OKAY? BRYY--annt. Fuck am I really supposed to talk like that?

They go over to EDWARD'S CAR and prepare to FLY.

HARRISON FORD

Prepare for launch. On my count. Three, two, one...

HARRISON and EDWARD take a DEEP BREATH and then RIP HUGE SYNCHRONIZED EXPLOSIVE FARTS in PERFECT UNISON allowing the FLYING CAR to take off!

INT. POLICE STATION

HARRISON and EDWARD fly the FLYING CAR to CHIEF M. EMMETT WALSH'S office.

M. EMMETT WALSH

We need your help Harrison. There's Replicants on the loose, the deadliest ones ever. Four of them. This is a big fucking crisis.

HARRISON FORD

I guess you have the whole department on this?

M. EMMETT WALSH

Yep! Except "the whole department" is exactly two guys: Edward who does nothing but make fucking origami, and Morgan who just got shot to shit, so that's why you're here.

HARRISON FORD

(sighs)

You need my help fragging these robots, huh.

M. EMMETT WALSH

Not robots. They're genetically designed organic beings, so essentially humans.

HARRISON FORD

Oh. Well that creates a bit of a grey area, ethics-wise...

M. EMMETT WALSH

But they're built to live only four years, during which time they're either labour or sex slaves and then they die. AND they don't have fake memories, so slavery is LITERALLY the only life they ever know!

HARRISON FORD

That sounds horrible.

M. EMMETT WALSH

OH BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! The lack of any life experience also gives them the emotional maturity of a toddler, so essentially it's CHILD slave labour, but put inside adult bodies that we can fuck!

HARRISON FORD

Now I wanna puke. In fact, hang on a sec.

(vomits uncontrollably)

Hooo boy. Okay. I'll do this job, so long as it's understood we're the bad guys in this situation.

M. EMMETT WALSH

I don't see how anyone could miss that. Anyway back to briefing. We know the skinjobs want something from the Tyrell Corporation and are trying to infiltrate it. Except the one taking odd jobs at sleazy bars, who the fuck knows what her deal is.

HARRISON FORD

I guess Mr. Tyrell himself is under constant guard?

M. EMMETT WALSH

Oh Lord no, wanders around by himself mostly. Anyway I want you to go over there and test one of their new models.

HARRISON obligingly goes to his new FLYING CAR and sets out for TYRELL CORPORATION.

CUE: SWEEPING SYNTHO-SOUNDTRACK BY VANGEL, THE FILM COMPOSER WITH A SOUL WHOOPS HE EXPERIENCED A MOMENT OF PERFECT BLISS NOW HE'S VANGELIS

INT. TYRELL CORPORATION

HARRISON arrives in his FLYING CAR and meets TYRELL himself along with SEAN YOUNG.

TYRELL

I know you're here to test the awesome advanced new Replicant model I have, but, er, why don't you test some random human first! Now where could we find a human... oh hey, Sean! You're 100% human, how about we test you? Ha ha ha.

SEAN YOUNG

(facepalms)

HARRISON FORD

Alright. First question. You get cast as a villain in a goofy comedy. The film does well at the box office but also tries to score cheap laughs by lazily mocking non-cisgendered people. Your husband quotes the movie incessantly for months.

SEAN YOUNG

Is this testing whether I'm a Replicant, or a social justice warrior, Mr. Ford?

HARRISON FORD

Actually with those shoulder pads I thought you might be a left tackle, HEY-OHHHHH, can I get a high five in here?

(left hanging)

SEAN YOUNG

(sighs)

Having successfully tested a WAY MORE ADVANCED REPLICANT than the ones he's hunting, and learned basically FUCK ALL that's relevant to the urgent task at hand, HARRISON finally decides to start tracking leads in the case.

INT. BRION JAMES'S SHITTY PIECE OF SHIT CRAPARTMENT

HARRISON and EDWARD arrive in their FLYING CAR to search for clues.

HARRISON FORD

Right, after combing through the place I found a bunch of Brion's photos, and also this scale from some kind of animal. How'd you do?

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

I made a matchstick man!

(eats crayons)

HARRISON FORD

Seriously, are you even a cop?

EXT. RAIN-SOAKED DIRTY SMELLY PISS-STREETS OF LOS ANGELES

RUTGER HAUER and BRION JAMES approach JAMES HONG'S EYEBALL SHOP in the shadow of FLYING CARS overhead.

JAMES HONG

Hello! Are you here to buy synthetic eyes? Does this really happen often enough for me to keep this store afloat? Are synthetic eyes this year's Christmas fad toy?

(peers)

Wait a sec, you guys are Nexus 6. I made your eyes!

RUTGER HAUER

(wistfully)

Ah, if only you could see what I've seen with your eyes.

JAMES HONG

Funny you mention, I was thinking that if I plugged your brain into a TV somewhere I could do exactly that, maybe make copies for friends? I mean since we can implant memories then we can probably also read--

RUTGER HAUER

Don't be a smartass. Tell me how to get to Tyrell.

JAMES HONG

You know he lives at Tyrell Corp. and there's an elevator straight to his rooms. Have you tried overpowering the guards and busting in there? You already have a trail of bodies behind you...

RUTGER HAUER

(sighs)

Yes, but, we were hoping for something less action-y, more keeping with the trance-like melancholy of the film's mood? If you know someone cooped up alone in a giant desolate building that'd be WAY better.

INT. HARRISON'S CRUMMY DIRTY SQUALID SHITPARTMENT

HARRISON uses his FLYING CAR to go home and finds SEAN YOUNG quietly hovering in a FLYING CAR in the corridor.

SEAN YOUNG

I know you think I'm a Replicant and my memories are fake. But could a vast interplanetary genetic engineering company possibly have the resources to falsify this... GRAINY PHOTOGRAPH?!?

HARRISON FORD

Those aren't your memories Sean, they're Tyrell's nieces.

SEAN YOUNG

Oh. But... isn't that weird he would give me family memories when I maybe live with him, or work with him, come to think of it what the fuck do I think I actually do at Tyrell Corp? Shouldn't he have chosen some total stranger I have no chance of ever meeting, for source memories? I'm just saying.

HARRISON FORD

I'm sorry, Sean. Look, I got drinking to do, so if you could vamoose?

(1992 Director's cut)

Plus I need to think about UNICORNS, WHAAAT?!?

SEAN flies off, visibly upset. HARRISON gets his DRINK on, then decides to analyze BRION JAMES'S PHOTOS with his FUTURE PHOTO-ENHANCEMENT MACHINE that has CRAZY ADVANCED VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE able to decipher SLURRED DRUNKEN SLANG, but that also makes FLAPPA-WAPPA sounds like a 1970S SLIDESHOW PROJECTOR.

HARRISON FORD

And now to inspire roughly 240,000,000 scenes from crime procedural shows.

(to machine)

Pan left. Enhance. Rotate. Enhance 21 to 35 left. Pan. Scan. Wait a sec. Enhance 44 to 58 right. B-12, hit. B-11, sunk. Rotate. Crop left. Add sepia filter. Enhance. Go back. Pan up twelve. Enhance 23 to 88 right. Stop. Wait a minute. Fill my cup, put some liquor in it. Enhance. Pan 69 left. Nice. Enhance. Enhance.

Having zoomed in to MOLECULAR LEVEL resolution, HARRISON reads the DNA STRAND on screen and realizes it is JOANNA CASSIDY.

INT. GIANT DESOLATE BUILDING

As FLYING CARS fly futuristically overhead, genetic engineer WILLIAM SANDERSON stumbles across DARYL HANNAH covered in GRIME and GARBAGE. Since this describes roughly HALF OF FUTURE LOS ANGELES he overlooks that part and invites her into his home.

DARYL HANNAH

So you, ah, live here alone? Do you see Tyrell often? Can you bring strangers with you? Forgive my idle curiosity that has no ulterior motive.

WILLIAM SANDERSON

Yep, I'm all alone here. Except for my robot friends that I built! They provide invaluable companionship by bumping into shit and saying "good morning J.F.". The thing is, I suck at my job.

DARYL HANNAH

That's okay, I think you're awesome and smart and sweet and I'd love to introduce you to my hot dripping wet BOYFRIEND, RUTGER HAUER! He just jogged in from the rain, which is why he is both hot and dripping wet.

(grins)

WILLIAM SANDERSON

(sighs)

Okay fine, I'll be your plot device, whatevs.

INT. SLEAZY BAR

Aided by his FLYING CAR, HARRISON tracks JOANNA CASSIDY to a SLEAZY CLUB where JOANNA has decided to lay low and blend into human society by being a professional SNAKE FUCKER. While waiting for the show, HARRISON decides to call SEAN from a PAY PHONE because their future society has invented FLYING CARS and FULLY GENETICALLY ENGINEERED HUMANOID LIFE FORMS but not CELL PHONES.

HARRISON FORD

Hey. Wanna come get shitfaced with me at this skeezy dive?

SEAN YOUNG

Well that sounds disgusting. Fuck you!

(hangs up)

(grabs coat and rushes off to meet Harrison in next scene)

ANNOUNCER

Velcome! It is time vor zee snek vucking to begeen! Vatch her take zee pleazure vom zee snek, unt listen to me horribly butcher zee German akzent!

After the SNAKE FUCKING ends, HARRISON goes to JOANNA'S dressing room.

HARRISON FORD

(nerdy voice)

Hi, I'm an ethics watchdog? Not sure why I'm goofing around instead of immediately blowing your brains out. Perhaps you'd care to get the drop on me?

JOANNA begins CLOBBERING HARRISON and is about to CHOKE HIM DEAD but...

JOANNA CASSIDY

Uh-oh, random douchebags walked in! I could snap Ford's neck, easily overpower them and escape, OR...

JOANNA instead lets HARRISON go and then RUNS OFF!

HARRISON FORD

(un-mangling himself)

Oof. Dang, the "apprehending" part of blade running is always so much harder than the "tracking down" part. It's odd they send human cops with human strength and endurance to catch these genetically engineered super-strong super-tough beings. Y'know, it might make more sense if... anyway, I should chase Joanna.

EXT. RAIN-SLICKED GRIMY PUKEY STREETS OF LOS ANGELES

JOANNA furtively looks for an escape route amongst the TEEMING CROWDS and FLYING CARS.

JOANNA CASSIDY

Let's see, there's roughly a zillion hiding spots to pick from. Hell, with the mob of people around, I could probably just duck. OR... I could try shoving my way through this crowd with my head visible, that's better.

HARRISON FORD

Argh! Can't... get... clear... shot! Nobody... reacting... to me... wildly aiming gun around!

JOANNA CASSIDY

Damn, he's not giving up. I could grab a rando human, use him as a shield as I charge, then get back to clobbering, OR... hey a nice open space to dash into, now THERE'S an option.

HARRISON FORD

Phew, finally, a really easy wide open shot for me to take!

(takes deep breath)

(stretches)

(shoots)

JOANNA CASSIDY

(hit!)

WHELP GUESS I'LL RUN THROUGH SOME GLASS PANES THEN, THAT'LL HELP

HARRISON FORD

(buys street burrito)

(shoots again)

JOANNA CASSIDY

(hit again!)

OOH THAT SMARTS WELL PERHAPS SMASHING THROUGH MORE GLASS WILL EASE THE PAIN

HARRISON FORD

(reads newspaper while munching burrito)

(does sudoku)

(shoots once more)

JOANNA CASSIDY

(hit once more!)

OUCHIE DON'T THINK THEY'VE MADE THE GLASS THAT'LL TAKE MY MIND OFF THAT ONE

(dead)

Eventually WALSH and OLMOS show up and JOANNA'S CORPSE is carted off.

M. EMMETT WALSH

Good job Harrison. Hey, only three left, right? Oh and Sean Young ran off so you gotta kill her too, ha ha bye.

HARRISON FORD

Fuck that was a lot of work tracking down ONE Replicant. This is gonna go on forever, so how about let's say Sean is standing right over there, and Brion James is right over h--

BRION JAMES begins POUNDING THE SHIT OUT OF HARRISON and is gonna MURDER HIM DEAD but at the last second SEAN shoots BRION!

HARRISON FORD

(pile of hamburger)

Sometimes I think I'm not actually that good at blade running.

INT. HARRISON'S AWFUL HORRIBLE GLOOMY SHITPARTMENT

As the engines of FLYING CARS gently titter outside, HARRISON goes to remove his SHIRT while SEAN YOUNG slips out of her NFL SHOULDERPADS into a more comfortable LOAD-BEARING MILKMAID'S YOKE.

SEAN YOUNG

Harrison?

(tenatively steps forward)

(knocks over vase)

Can I ask... a question?

(turns)

(bumps picture off wall)

Would you... hunt me?

(shatters window)

HARRISON FORD

No, I owe you one. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to nap shirtless with a drink, as I do when guests are over. You do you.

SEAN YOUNG

I shall try your piano.

(sits down)

(slams all 88 keys at once with shoulders)

What an excellent tone it has. Perhaps it would be even nicer if my hair were down.

(lifts arms)

(tugs lightly)

(twelve tons of curly thick hair flop all over room)

Much better.

(plays for three seconds)

HARRISON FORD

Your rigid monotonous playing of like two different chords has gotten me super hard. Let's fuck.

SEAN YOUNG

No, wait... I'm confused, I've just learned my entire life is a lie, I'm not even human, I just shot somebody, I couldn't be in a worse place mentally and emotionally right now! Only a total asshole would take advantage of my current state!

HARRISON FORD

DAMMIT WOMAN THERE IS LEWD SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING, THAT MEANS IT IS BOOTY TIME

SEAN YOUNG

(sighs)

INT. TYRELL CORPORATION

RUTGER has convinced WILLIAM to use his FLYING CAR to take him to see TYRELL. They get in the ELEVATOR and buzz up.

TYRELL

(over intercom)

Who the fuck's trying to visit so goddamn late? This better be something really fucking urgent, like perhaps the chess game I'm playing remotely with one of my underlings at a pace of one move every several days!!

WILLIAM SANDERSON

(glances nervously at Rutger)

Queen to bishop six.

(1992 Director's Cut)

Queen to rook five.

(Briefcase Cut)

Bishop to queen four.

(TV broadcast cut)

Flip the board and punch yourself in the nards.

(Final cut)

Queen to bishop six, check.

TYRELL

Hm, what a curious move. I take your queen.

WILLIAM SANDERSON

Knight to rook seven checkmate!

TYRELL

Holy fuck I was two moves away from being checkmated this whole time! How did my allegedly super genius brain not see that, when even moderately good players are supposed to think four, five moves ahead?! Get the fuck up here!

They ascend up to TYRELL'S SENIOR-CITIZEN FUCK PALACE.

RUTGER HAUER

Surprise, it's really me who's come to see you. I was hoping you could fix that thing where we die.

TYRELL

Afraid not. But on the bright side, the Nexus-7 model has wireless headphones and two cameras, so really that MORE than makes up for a battery that dies quicker than people's interest in Blade Runner 2049, right? Heh, heh, h--

RUTGER HAUER

(squeezing Tyrell's head)

ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN ANACHRONISMS OLD MAN

(thumbs plunge into eyesockets)

TYRELL

(dying)

Urk! Ack! Tell Skynet... it was me.

(dies)

RUTGER drops TYRELL'S lifeless body and also kills WILLIAM offscreen, somehow, like you even care.

RUTGER HAUER

Now to leave William's corpse here and go back to his place, and along the way catch a movie or something so the cops can show up, ID him, and get there before I do.

EXT. RAIN-SOAKED TRASHY UGLY WRETCHED STREETS OF LOS ANGELES

HARRISON is once more stuffing his face with STREET FOOD when he gets the call about WILLIAM. Figuring the remaining REPLICANTS might be hiding at WILLIAM'S house, he thoughtfully CALLS AHEAD so they have plenty of time to lay a trap. He then takes his FLYING CAR over to WILLIAM'S BUILDING and enters, gun at the ready.

HARRISON FORD

Shit this place is full of dolls and mannequins. I guess the smart play would be to blast anything human-sized and sort it out later, but instead let's get a real cloooose look at this one's makeup...

DARYL HANNAH springs into action and begins UTTERLY PULVERIZING HARRISON, then gets him in a LEG-CHOKE and TWISTS HIS NECK OR SOMETHING and is about to LEG-STRANGLE HIM DEAD!

HARRISON FORD

(turning purple)

OKAY YES I REALLY DO SUCK AT BLADE RUNNING

DARYL HANNAH

Well shit I can't be the one who wins. Um, OH CRAP I WASN'T EXPECTING HARRISON TO USE THAT CLEVER TRICK OF, ER, me letting go and walking away? Fuck it.

DARYL decides to switch to practicing FLOOR EXERCISES until finally HARRISON gets his shit together enough to SHOOT her! She emits a VERY LONG DEATH SCREAM just as RUTGER finally shows up.

RUTGER HAUER

(curb-stomps Harrison all over building)

HARRISON FORD

(reduced to base elements)

RUTGER HAUER

As final battles go this is underwhelming me a wee bit. Here, have your gun back.

HARRISON manages to WOUND RUTGER and then sets about trying to ESCAPE. Meanwhile RUTGER runs around making WOLF HOWLS and does some KITCHEN RENO with his FACE until...

RUTGER HAUER

Urk... body... dying! Need injection... of pure symbolism! I'll just have to DRIVE THIS NAIL THROUGH MY PALM

(does so)

Not.. quite.. enough! Perhaps if I PIERCE MY SIDE WITH THIS SPEAR

(does so)

Or maybe this CROWN OF THORNS will do it

(turns water to wine)

Ah.. just.. enough! Here I come!

HARRISON FORD

With Rutger howling and stomping about everywhere I could probably slip past him and walk out the front door, OR... TO THE ROOF WE GO!!

Being without his FLYING CAR, HARRISON tries to JUMP to the next building but winds up DANGLING FROM THE LEDGE!

RUTGER HAUER

Bah, I'll make that jump easily, while holding a small bird no less! Any other hugely symbolic objects I can randomly grab? No? Right then.

(jumps across)

RUTGER reaches down and SAVES HARRISON using his NAIL HAND, pulls him up with his FISHERMAN'S NET and lays him away in a MANGER, then settles in to do his moving final death speech.

RUTGER HAUER

(melancholy)

I've.. seen things you people--

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

(overhead)

HEY GUYS CAN I LAND MY CAR NOW I'M RUNNING OUT OF FART FUEL

HARRISON FORD

FUCK'S SAKE HOLD YOUR HORSES DUDE, WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT HERE sorry Rutger, you were saying?

RUTGER HAUER

(blinks)

(sighs)

I've.. seen things you people wouldn't believe.

(1982 version)

Sly Stallone firing at me with a dress and a wig on.

(1992 Director's Cut)

A sword-and-sorcery flick, entirely scored by The Alan Parsons Project.

(2007 Final Cut)

Whatever the fuck "Omega Doom" was.

(pause)

Now all these... moments will be lost, unstreamed.... like...

(gulp)

Sam Neill... as Merlin.

(pause)

Time to die.

(dies)

RUTGER DIES and HARRISON STARES and RAIN FALLS and finally EDWARD decides to stop jerking it and land his FARTCAR already.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

It's too bad this story won't be left alone!! But then again, what does?!?

INT. HARRISON'S DREARY CRAPPY DIRTY POOPARTMENT

HARRISON takes his FLYING CAR home and finds both SEAN YOUNG and origami of a UNICORN (Director's Cut: WHAAAAAAT?!?).

HARRISON FORD (V/O)

So yeah we got away and drove into the utterly incongruous lush green countryside. Turned out Sean was a special Replicant that could live forever, and our car had infinite fuel, and we had perfect awesome sex every night surrounded by money and gourmet pizza, and we lived happily ever after in the land of gumdrops and kittens and

HARRISON FORD

NO NO NO FUCK RIGHT THE HELL OFF. Nobody's ruining our gritty SF-noir epic dammit! We're gonna cut right when the elevator door closes, and people are just gonna have to wonder how it resolves! We're NOT spelling out what happens, that would cheapen everything! It's gonna stay open-ended and ambiguous, you hear me?!?

RYAN GOSLING

Yeah, about that.

END