FADE IN:

INT. GRITTY DINER - 1991

Raging alcoholic and professional hobo impersonator LIAM NEESON is a cop who’s just minding his own businecss when he is suddenly accosted by VIOLENCE.

CRIMINALS

Har har! We are robbing this joint! And we just put two bullet holes through Liam’s favorite homeless-guy jacket!

LIAM NEESON

Well now I pretty much HAVE to shoot you in the goddamn face.

He shoots the THREE CRIMINALS DEAD, but one of the bullets ricochets off of a TRAGIC BACKSTORY CLICHE and hits a little girl right in her INNOCENT FACE, killing her.

LIAM NEESON

Hmm, guess I had better quit drinking then.

DEAD GIRL’S MOTHER

A LOT OF GOOD THAT’S GOING TO DO ME NOW, ASSHOLE!

INT. A DIFFERENT GRITTY DINER - 1999

LIAM has since retired from the force, quit drinking, shaved off his hobo beard, and has a slightly nicer looking homeless-guy jacket.

Drug addict BOYD HOLBROOK approaches.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Liam, my brother’s wife has been kidnapped.

LIAM NEESON

You mean she’s been... Taken?

BOYD HOLBROOK

Yes.

LIAM NEESON

And you need someone with a particular set of skills to get her back?

BOYD HOLBROOK

But of course.

LIAM NEESON

Whoops, I'm pretty sure I got my scripts mixed up because this is sounding a hell of a lot like Taken.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Yet somehow it's not. Will you help us?

LIAM NEESON

No.

(pause)

Okay.

LIAM is introduced to BOYD’s rich brother, DAN STEVENS.

DAN STEVENS

I paid the kidnappers off, but they killed my wife anyway. I’ll pay you all the money in the world to find the bastards.

LIAM NEESON

That’s not how this works. I do people favors in exchange for “gifts”.

DAN STEVENS

Huh? You mean, like, you’d accept a set of golf clubs as payment instead of actual money?

LIAM NEESON

I don’t see why not. Say, what do you do for a living?

DAN STEVENS

I’m in construction.

LIAM NEESON

As in, you construct illegal drugs and sell them?

DAN STEVENS

My term sounds better on a tax form.

LIAM NEESON

Hmm, clearly these kidnappers are targeting drug dealers who won’t run to the cops. I will investigate further by killing my way across Europe New York in order to find the kidnappers.

DAN STEVENS

Okay seriously how is this not Taken 3?

AUDIENCE

Whaaaat???? you mean IT’S NOT?! Well as long as Liam is punching dudes in the fucking face we’re happy.

LIAM spends the next hour and a half NOT punching dudes in the fucking face. How DARE he.

EXT. NEW YORK

LIAM NEESON

Now, to start my investigation. Given this is 1999 that means I have access to the magical internet box, but since I’m an old son of a bitch I will need the assistance of a street smart urban youth.

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

(internetting)

'Sup yo. It seems the wife of another drug dealer was brutally tortured and murdered and her body was publicly dumped in a cemetery. Also, I now want to be a private dick like you.

LIAM NEESON

Sorry, Brian. You’ll have to settle for just being a regular dick instead.

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

Oh come on! I’m actually a decently written character who defies the “thug” stereotype by having personality quirks and reading Dashiell Hammett! Besides, I'm in desperate need of a father figure and you're it! Please let me help you!

LIAM NEESON

Dude, your stage name is “Astro”. Forget it.

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

Oh. Good point.

(gets lost)

EXT. CEMETERY

LIAM NEESON

So, grounds keeper, you say you discovered the body of a woman who was involved with a drug dealer?

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Uh-huh.

LIAM NEESON

Well you look creepy as hell so I think you were working with the murders.

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

No I wasn’t.

(pause)

Okay yeah I was. You’re looking for David Harbour and Adam Thompson. I met them at this really upper class porno store I frequent. After discussing the artistic merit of “2 Girls 1 Cup” they brought me in on their sadistic kidnapping/murder scheme.

LIAM NEESON

So you are admitting to helping those guys kidnap an innocent woman and then you just sat there while they tortured her and made her choose which one of her breasts they were going to cut off?

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Well, shit, when you say it like that...

LIAM NEESON

And I’m not shooting you in your goddamn face right now because...?

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Hey! I didn’t know those assholes were going to do that! I even ran out of the van they were torturing her in in protest!

LIAM NEESON

Instead of, you know, helping her? Or calling the cops?

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Great, now even *I* don’t know why you’re not shooting me in the goddamn face right now. I’ll just save you the trouble and introduce my face to the concrete.

(flings self off of roof)

LIAM NEESON

(pulls gun)

Wait! I was really looking forward to shooting you in the goddamn--

BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(splat!)

LIAM NEESON

Nuts.

EXT. NEW YORK

Aspiring lethal injection recipients DAVID HARBOUR and ADAM THOMPSON are cruising around in their TORTURE VAN as they prepare to kidnap/torture/murder the wife of drug dealer SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ.

DAVID HARBOUR

Oh no! His wife is catatonic!

ADAM THOMPSON

So? We could still kidnap and ransom her for money.

DAVID HARBOUR

Nuh-uh! How the hell do you expect me to get off on torturing a vegetable?! Eww! Gross, dude! Guess we had better call this whole kidnap/torture/murder plan off.

Just then SEBASTIAN walks by with his 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. “ATLANTIS” by DONOVAN blares on the soundtrack, which has now become the official PEDOPHILE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

DONOVAN

(frowns)

INT. DAN STEVENS’ HOUSE

LIAM NEESON

Dan, I need you to put the word out to all your other drug dealing buddies about David and Adam’s scheme in case they strike again.

DAN STEVENS

Yes, because all us drug dealers meet at the annual Drug Dealers Convention and exchange our personal information and contact info.

Meanwhile, LIAM bonds with BRIAN.

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

Look, Liam! I found this gun and now I’m a badass just like you!

LIAM NEESON

Son, you might as well stick that gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, because that’s what happens when kids play with guns. The More You Know.

(yellow star shoots across screen)

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

Wow, you’re so right Liam. I have truly learned the error of my ways.

(throws away gun)

BULLIES

He’s defenseless! Get him!

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

(gets ass kicked into another area code)

INT. SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ’S HOUSE

SEBASTIAN’s daughter has been TAKEN. LIAM arrives to handle the hostage negotiations.

LIAM NEESON

Sebastian, your daughter’s probably dead already so you should sell all her clothes and start making funeral arrangements immediately.

SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ

You would make a wonderful Crisis Hotline operator.

DAVID HARBOUR

(on phone)

Okay, so here’s the deal. You give us the money and we give you Sebastian’s daughter’s mangled corpse. Sound good?

LIAM NEESON

Or how about I talk shit to you and call you a motherfucker and make you pee your pants. That work for you?

DAVID HARBOUR

The fact you know my real name and M.O. and sound just as psychotic as me doesn’t raise a single red flag.

LIAM NEESON

Also, I clearly want to shoot you in your goddamn fucking face, so let’s make the exchange in person.

DAVID HARBOUR

Works for me!

(hangs up)

You hear that, Adam? I sure showed HIM who’s boss!

ADAM THOMPSON

Honestly? I would have at least let Liam buy me dinner before I let him fuck me like that.

EXT. CEMETERY

Everybody meets among the TOMBSTONES, but they don’t exactly WALK through them, more like they take a leisurely STROLL, but that would have made for an even more awkward title.

DAVID has a knife to the kidnapped daughter’s throat while ADAM takes the ransom money from LIAM.

LIAM NEESON

Hey wait a minute, this girl is two fingers short of a full set!

DAVID HARBOUR

Well that was before you trash talked me on the phone, obviously. Your bad, not mine.

(pulls gun)

I think I should kill you now!

(pause)

Or... just keep letting you live, I guess. Whatever.

LIAM NEESON

Maybe there’s a rifle pointed at your head. Maybe that rifle is held by a junkie named Boyd. Wait, why exactly did I put my life in the hands of a crackhead again?

ADAM realizes the money is FAKE and some SHOOTING HAPPENS. BOYD overdoses on BULLETS. DAVID and ADAM escape in their TORTURE VAN and return to their TORTURE HOUSE.

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

(on phone)

Liam! I hid in the back of their van and now I’m down the street from their house!

LIAM NEESON

Great work, Brian! Good thing you didn’t have a gun in case they discovered you!

BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY

I know, right?!

INT. DAVID AND ADAM’S HOUSE

DAVID HARBOUR

Holy shit, I’m shot! This feels awful! If only I had known human bodies feel pain when you hurt them! Who knew? Now let me just pick up this here taser and awkwardly stuff it into my pocket.

ADAM THOMPSON

Hmm, that seems awfully random. Are you planning on using that taser on me at some point?

DAVID HARBOUR

Doesn't look like it.

ADAM THOMPSON

So why’d you even bother to pick it up in the first place?

DAVID HARBOUR

Because... well...

(flips through script)

Hey wait a minute, why do my pages only go up to 95--

(is strangled to death by Adam!)

ADAM THOMPSON

Liam is going to be SO PISSED when he finds out he didn’t get to shoot that guy in the goddamn face. Now, to eat a bowl of Count Chocula. Kidnapping and murder is hungry work.

LIAM and DAN arrive and handcuff ADAM to a pole in the kitchen near, like, a MILLION things he could use to free himself with.

LIAM NEESON

(discovers David is already dead)

(is so pissed)

ADAM THOMPSON

Ha! Told you!

LIAM NEESON

Then it’s a good thing YOUR goddamn face is still unshot!

(pulls gun)

DAN STEVENS

No, Liam! Leave him to me so I can get revenge for my dead wife!

LIAM NEESON

(puts away gun)

Sigh. Fine, Dan. I’ll do you a solid and leave you alone with a dangerous and resourceful killer while I go fuck off.

(does so)

DAN STEVENS

Thanks Liam! Now, to turn my back to said killer and go snooping around the basement instead of killing Adam immediately! What could possibly go wrong?!

LIAM inexplicably returns to the house because his SPIDEY-SENSE was tingling and finds ADAM has escaped and DAN has been murdered.

LIAM NEESON

(pulls out gun)

Yes! One last chance to get in some goddamn face shooting finally!

But ADAM chokes LIAM with a cord! LIAM’s gun is right next to his ear and fires OFF SEVEN SHOTS which gives him permanent deafness in that ear he shrugs off and fights ADAM!

LIAM NEESON

Hey! I see that taser in David’s pocket! Good thing he put it there earlier!

DAVID’S GHOST

You’re welcome Liam!

LIAM tasers ADAM and then SHOOTS HIM. RIGHT. IN. THE. GODDAMN. FACE!

AUDIENCE

(fist pump)

Hooray!

LIAM NEESON

I’m getting too old for this shit.

(pause)

No, I mean I’m 62 and am LITERALLY getting too old for this shit. I think I had better stay away from these gritty action movies for a while before I break my hip.

The check for TAKEN 3 clears.

LIAM NEESON

Nevermind!

END