The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. GRITTY DINER - 1991
Raging alcoholic and professional hobo impersonator LIAM NEESON is a cop who’s just minding his own businecss when he is suddenly accosted by VIOLENCE.
CRIMINALS
Har har! We are robbing this joint! And we just put two bullet holes through Liam’s favorite homeless-guy jacket!
LIAM NEESON
Well now I pretty much HAVE to shoot you in the goddamn face.
He shoots the THREE CRIMINALS DEAD, but one of the bullets ricochets off of a TRAGIC BACKSTORY CLICHE and hits a little girl right in her INNOCENT FACE, killing her.
LIAM NEESON
Hmm, guess I had better quit drinking then.
DEAD GIRL’S MOTHER
A LOT OF GOOD THAT’S GOING TO DO ME NOW, ASSHOLE!
INT. A DIFFERENT GRITTY DINER - 1999
LIAM has since retired from the force, quit drinking, shaved off his hobo beard, and has a slightly nicer looking homeless-guy jacket.
Drug addict BOYD HOLBROOK approaches.
BOYD HOLBROOK
Liam, my brother’s wife has been kidnapped.
LIAM NEESON
You mean she’s been... Taken?
BOYD HOLBROOK
Yes.
LIAM NEESON
And you need someone with a particular set of skills to get her back?
BOYD HOLBROOK
But of course.
LIAM NEESON
Whoops, I'm pretty sure I got my scripts mixed up because this is sounding a hell of a lot like Taken.
BOYD HOLBROOK
Yet somehow it's not. Will you help us?
LIAM NEESON
No.
(pause)
Okay.
LIAM is introduced to BOYD’s rich brother, DAN STEVENS.
DAN STEVENS
I paid the kidnappers off, but they killed my wife anyway. I’ll pay you all the money in the world to find the bastards.
LIAM NEESON
That’s not how this works. I do people favors in exchange for “gifts”.
DAN STEVENS
Huh? You mean, like, you’d accept a set of golf clubs as payment instead of actual money?
LIAM NEESON
I don’t see why not. Say, what do you do for a living?
DAN STEVENS
I’m in construction.
LIAM NEESON
As in, you construct illegal drugs and sell them?
DAN STEVENS
My term sounds better on a tax form.
LIAM NEESON
Hmm, clearly these kidnappers are targeting drug dealers who won’t run to the cops. I will investigate further by killing my way across Europe New York in order to find the kidnappers.
DAN STEVENS
Okay seriously how is this not Taken 3?
AUDIENCE
Whaaaat???? you mean IT’S NOT?! Well as long as Liam is punching dudes in the fucking face we’re happy.
LIAM spends the next hour and a half NOT punching dudes in the fucking face. How DARE he.
EXT. NEW YORK
LIAM NEESON
Now, to start my investigation. Given this is 1999 that means I have access to the magical internet box, but since I’m an old son of a bitch I will need the assistance of a street smart urban youth.
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
(internetting)
'Sup yo. It seems the wife of another drug dealer was brutally tortured and murdered and her body was publicly dumped in a cemetery. Also, I now want to be a private dick like you.
LIAM NEESON
Sorry, Brian. You’ll have to settle for just being a regular dick instead.
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
Oh come on! I’m actually a decently written character who defies the “thug” stereotype by having personality quirks and reading Dashiell Hammett! Besides, I'm in desperate need of a father figure and you're it! Please let me help you!
LIAM NEESON
Dude, your stage name is “Astro”. Forget it.
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
Oh. Good point.
(gets lost)
EXT. CEMETERY
LIAM NEESON
So, grounds keeper, you say you discovered the body of a woman who was involved with a drug dealer?
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Uh-huh.
LIAM NEESON
Well you look creepy as hell so I think you were working with the murders.
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
No I wasn’t.
(pause)
Okay yeah I was. You’re looking for David Harbour and Adam Thompson. I met them at this really upper class porno store I frequent. After discussing the artistic merit of “2 Girls 1 Cup” they brought me in on their sadistic kidnapping/murder scheme.
LIAM NEESON
So you are admitting to helping those guys kidnap an innocent woman and then you just sat there while they tortured her and made her choose which one of her breasts they were going to cut off?
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Well, shit, when you say it like that...
LIAM NEESON
And I’m not shooting you in your goddamn face right now because...?
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Hey! I didn’t know those assholes were going to do that! I even ran out of the van they were torturing her in in protest!
LIAM NEESON
Instead of, you know, helping her? Or calling the cops?
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Great, now even *I* don’t know why you’re not shooting me in the goddamn face right now. I’ll just save you the trouble and introduce my face to the concrete.
(flings self off of roof)
LIAM NEESON
(pulls gun)
Wait! I was really looking forward to shooting you in the goddamn--
BIZARRO PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
(splat!)
LIAM NEESON
Nuts.
EXT. NEW YORK
Aspiring lethal injection recipients DAVID HARBOUR and ADAM THOMPSON are cruising around in their TORTURE VAN as they prepare to kidnap/torture/murder the wife of drug dealer SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ.
DAVID HARBOUR
Oh no! His wife is catatonic!
ADAM THOMPSON
So? We could still kidnap and ransom her for money.
DAVID HARBOUR
Nuh-uh! How the hell do you expect me to get off on torturing a vegetable?! Eww! Gross, dude! Guess we had better call this whole kidnap/torture/murder plan off.
Just then SEBASTIAN walks by with his 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. “ATLANTIS” by DONOVAN blares on the soundtrack, which has now become the official PEDOPHILE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
DONOVAN
(frowns)
INT. DAN STEVENS’ HOUSE
LIAM NEESON
Dan, I need you to put the word out to all your other drug dealing buddies about David and Adam’s scheme in case they strike again.
DAN STEVENS
Yes, because all us drug dealers meet at the annual Drug Dealers Convention and exchange our personal information and contact info.
Meanwhile, LIAM bonds with BRIAN.
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
Look, Liam! I found this gun and now I’m a badass just like you!
LIAM NEESON
Son, you might as well stick that gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, because that’s what happens when kids play with guns. The More You Know.
(yellow star shoots across screen)
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
Wow, you’re so right Liam. I have truly learned the error of my ways.
(throws away gun)
BULLIES
He’s defenseless! Get him!
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
(gets ass kicked into another area code)
INT. SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ’S HOUSE
SEBASTIAN’s daughter has been TAKEN. LIAM arrives to handle the hostage negotiations.
LIAM NEESON
Sebastian, your daughter’s probably dead already so you should sell all her clothes and start making funeral arrangements immediately.
SEBASTIAN ROCHÉ
You would make a wonderful Crisis Hotline operator.
DAVID HARBOUR
(on phone)
Okay, so here’s the deal. You give us the money and we give you Sebastian’s daughter’s mangled corpse. Sound good?
LIAM NEESON
Or how about I talk shit to you and call you a motherfucker and make you pee your pants. That work for you?
DAVID HARBOUR
The fact you know my real name and M.O. and sound just as psychotic as me doesn’t raise a single red flag.
LIAM NEESON
Also, I clearly want to shoot you in your goddamn fucking face, so let’s make the exchange in person.
DAVID HARBOUR
Works for me!
(hangs up)
You hear that, Adam? I sure showed HIM who’s boss!
ADAM THOMPSON
Honestly? I would have at least let Liam buy me dinner before I let him fuck me like that.
EXT. CEMETERY
Everybody meets among the TOMBSTONES, but they don’t exactly WALK through them, more like they take a leisurely STROLL, but that would have made for an even more awkward title.
DAVID has a knife to the kidnapped daughter’s throat while ADAM takes the ransom money from LIAM.
LIAM NEESON
Hey wait a minute, this girl is two fingers short of a full set!
DAVID HARBOUR
Well that was before you trash talked me on the phone, obviously. Your bad, not mine.
(pulls gun)
I think I should kill you now!
(pause)
Or... just keep letting you live, I guess. Whatever.
LIAM NEESON
Maybe there’s a rifle pointed at your head. Maybe that rifle is held by a junkie named Boyd. Wait, why exactly did I put my life in the hands of a crackhead again?
ADAM realizes the money is FAKE and some SHOOTING HAPPENS. BOYD overdoses on BULLETS. DAVID and ADAM escape in their TORTURE VAN and return to their TORTURE HOUSE.
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
(on phone)
Liam! I hid in the back of their van and now I’m down the street from their house!
LIAM NEESON
Great work, Brian! Good thing you didn’t have a gun in case they discovered you!
BRIAN “ASTRO” BRADLEY
I know, right?!
INT. DAVID AND ADAM’S HOUSE
DAVID HARBOUR
Holy shit, I’m shot! This feels awful! If only I had known human bodies feel pain when you hurt them! Who knew? Now let me just pick up this here taser and awkwardly stuff it into my pocket.
ADAM THOMPSON
Hmm, that seems awfully random. Are you planning on using that taser on me at some point?
DAVID HARBOUR
Doesn't look like it.
ADAM THOMPSON
So why’d you even bother to pick it up in the first place?
DAVID HARBOUR
Because... well...
(flips through script)
Hey wait a minute, why do my pages only go up to 95--
(is strangled to death by Adam!)
ADAM THOMPSON
Liam is going to be SO PISSED when he finds out he didn’t get to shoot that guy in the goddamn face. Now, to eat a bowl of Count Chocula. Kidnapping and murder is hungry work.
LIAM and DAN arrive and handcuff ADAM to a pole in the kitchen near, like, a MILLION things he could use to free himself with.
LIAM NEESON
(discovers David is already dead)
(is so pissed)
ADAM THOMPSON
Ha! Told you!
LIAM NEESON
Then it’s a good thing YOUR goddamn face is still unshot!
(pulls gun)
DAN STEVENS
No, Liam! Leave him to me so I can get revenge for my dead wife!
LIAM NEESON
(puts away gun)
Sigh. Fine, Dan. I’ll do you a solid and leave you alone with a dangerous and resourceful killer while I go fuck off.
(does so)
DAN STEVENS
Thanks Liam! Now, to turn my back to said killer and go snooping around the basement instead of killing Adam immediately! What could possibly go wrong?!
LIAM inexplicably returns to the house because his SPIDEY-SENSE was tingling and finds ADAM has escaped and DAN has been murdered.
LIAM NEESON
(pulls out gun)
Yes! One last chance to get in some goddamn face shooting finally!
But ADAM chokes LIAM with a cord! LIAM’s gun is right next to his ear and fires OFF SEVEN SHOTS which gives him permanent deafness in that ear he shrugs off and fights ADAM!
LIAM NEESON
Hey! I see that taser in David’s pocket! Good thing he put it there earlier!
DAVID’S GHOST
You’re welcome Liam!
LIAM tasers ADAM and then SHOOTS HIM. RIGHT. IN. THE. GODDAMN. FACE!
AUDIENCE
(fist pump)
Hooray!
LIAM NEESON
I’m getting too old for this shit.
(pause)
No, I mean I’m 62 and am LITERALLY getting too old for this shit. I think I had better stay away from these gritty action movies for a while before I break my hip.
The check for TAKEN 3 clears.
LIAM NEESON
Nevermind!
END