FADE IN:

EXT. POST-APOCALYPSE

A DOG-PERSON riding a GIANT-HEADED OSTRICH walks through a snowy village of AEROSOL-SPRAYING BALLOONS well THIS is sure to be a completely normal movie isn't it.

PATRICK STEWART

I’m no dog-person! This is a gas mask that looks bizarrely like a hood for pup play. And these aren't snow balloons, they're toxic spores that infect the lungs and kill everyone - unless they take the ungodly horrid precaution of wearing a mask!

(pause)

Yes, really.

PATRICK looks around the fungus-covered, every-surface-covered-in-spores buildings, goes in a spore-infested house, picks up a toy, and squints really hard at the spores before deciding YUP, THERE ARE SPORES ALRIGHT.

NARRATOR

(reading on-screen Japanese text)

So a thousand years ago, humans bred these skyscraper-sized dudes who were like sentient nuclear bombs with lightsaber katanas, but they all went rogue and blew the fuck out of the planet. Shocker. Then the giants keeled over and died because they were actually laser-shooting robots, like giant bio-robots, or...

(scratches head)

I dunno. Let’s assume robots. It’s Japan.

(shrugs)

The radiation created a giant poison jungle forming all over the world that only bugs can survive in, but they mutated into gargantuan monstrosities, while ostriches grew oversized heads, squirrels and foxes became sexually compatible, and humans got spider sense. Am I translating this right? Christ.

INT. FUCKED-UP PANDORA

SUMI SHIMAMOTO ALISON LOHMAN oh like YOU watched the subtitled version reaches the jungle on her air nation glider while wearing skin-tight pants the exact same color as her skin.

ALISON LOHMAN

Ooh, a giant roly-poly shell! My people can use this for weapons! I’m sure we’ll be able to transport this indestructible mansion-sized exoskeleton out of the monster-infested hellscape back to our peaceful village a hundred miles away. Look, this eyeball will make a great community salad bowl.

She lays down and lets herself get COMPLETELY BURIED IN DEADLY MOLD because it's pweeeetty.

ALISON LOHMAN

Incredible, these spores are so deadly and destructive. Also incredible I will march straight home without so much as lightly brushing off my jacket, I mean seriously, ONE of these things could destroy my whole village.

(uses fluffy spore to powder her face)

BUG

Hey Alison? Who are you talking to?

ALISON LOHMAN

Huh? Did we not mention humanity has evolved to constantly narrate the basic tenants of their world out loud all the-

(sits up)

Ah! What’s that?! I sense danger!

BUG

Seriously, what is up with the spider-sense? It impacts nothing! Even a little! Ever!

PewWDLDLDLDLEEEEwwwwthp!

ALISON LOHMAN

OMG a gunshot! That’s definitely what that sound effect was! I bet someone’s in trouble! That being what happens when someone is firing a gun! The insects must be attacking! Which would be trouble! Because guns shoot things, which is meant to cause killing, and I just heard a gunshot, so if someone is firing one they are probably in trouble and—

(so on and so on and so on for the entire goddamn movie)

ALISON flies to the outskirts of the jungle, where PATRICK STEWART is fleeing on his ostrich. But behind him bursts a FIFTY-FOOT TALL WHALE-LENGTH ARMORED CATERPILLAR MONSTER!

ALISON LOHMAN

It shakes the ground! Its eyes glow red with rage! It emanates a theme like a free ringtone from 2004! I must try to calm it!

She HURLS STROBE BOMBS at the caterpillar and hypnotizes it with a magical YOYO, so it goes away.

ALISON LOHMAN

Yes! Truly I am the insect-whisperer!

PATRICK STEWART

Those creatures may be fierce, but they live in perfect harmony with their jungle, as evidenced by how that one just mowed down about 2,000 trees.

ALISON LOHMAN

Patrick, old friend! Why did you use your gun in the jungle? You know the giant insects go nuts if they hear one and attack, except the one I fired two minutes ago.

PATRICK STEWART

I saw an insect carrying away this rodent the size of a grapefruit and thought it was a human baby, because I apparently have no idea what babies look like.

ALISON LOHMAN

Aw, it's growling and biting in an extremely feral manner! I will stick my fingers at its face and it will be my friend!

The fox-squirrel becomes immediately tame and domestic.

PATRICK STEWART

How did you do that?!

ALISON LOHMAN

Oh, I’m just that gentle and caring, while also being a brave tough warrior princess who is an expert at flying, sword-fighting, windmill repair, and gymnastics, in addition to a genius self-taught botanist and general paragon of teenage virtue.

PATRICK STEWART

That’s weird, I thought Mary Sue Heroines were invented by Disney.

ALISON LOHMAN

It's two years before Aliens, we're still figuring out this whole "strong female lead" thing.

EXT. HAPPY FARMING VALLEY (WITH WIND!)

PATRICK arrives and is greeted by a crowd of townspeople who are mostly frozen mid-laugh.

KIDS

(mouths wide open, arms raised, utterly still, as if taxidermied)

....

.....

...........help

PATRICK STEWART

Hello everyone, it's nice to visit this peaceful hub but I'll be leaving soon. Unless some society-threatening calamity happens to arrive coincidentally tonight.

That night, A GIANT AIRSHIP arrives and CRASHES FULL-SPEED INTO THE MOUNTAINSIDE because they had BUGS on the windshield and they were out of WINDOW-WASHING FLUID!

ALISON LOHMAN

Quick! Maybe I’ll find someone alive in the wreckage! Maybe it’ll be the one girl I saw briefly through the window seconds before the explosion! And maybe she's the most important person on the flight, and has crucial information!

THAT ONE GIRL WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON THE FLIGHT WITH CRUCIAL INFORMATION AND WHO ALISON SAW BRIEFLY THROUGH THE WINDOW SECONDS BEFORE THE EXPLOSION

(dying)

You must... burn... the cargo...

ALISON LOHMAN

(looks at flaming wreckage)

Aaaand done. What was it?

DYING PRINCESS

All copies of the first American release... They cut a BUNCH of scenes and changed ALL the names and used goofy actors and marketed it with pictures of General Grievous riding a Langolier fighting a Pegasus-

ALISON LOHMAN

For real? Holy crap, America.

DYING PRINCESS

You must burn them all! They renamed my home country Placenta! I was all "Hi, I'm the Princess of Placenta, please burn the horrible superweapo-"

(dies)

An ANGRY INJURED INSECT crawls from the wreckage! ALISON uses her MAGICAL YOYO to calm it down, demonstrating her MAGICAL YOYO that can CALM THE INSECTS because we didn't know that yet!

EXT. VALLEY - THE NEXT DAY

Everyone examines the wreckage and finds a giant blob of ventricles.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Is this the thing Princess Placenta wanted us to burn? What is it?

PATRICK STEWART

Bizarrely, it appears to be a giant placenta. I'm serious. It is one of those giant warriors who might be robots but grow from embryos; all the rest died, but clearly this one ran away and froze itself in a block of ice for 1,000 years.

Suddenly UMATHURMIAN AIRSHIPS ATTACK! Soldiers from Umathurmia swarm out, led by UMA THURMAN! They kill the utterly defenseless VALLEY KING!

ALISON LOHMAN

DAD! This makes my hair inflate with rage!

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

Oh, you must be Princess Nawsickahh.

ALISON LOHMAN

IT'S "NOWSHKA!"

ALISON goes CRAZY and slaughters a fuckton of GUN-WIELDING SOLDIERS, all of whom are helpless against a POLE-SWINGING VALLEY GIRL.

ALISON grabs a sword but PATRICK blocks it with HIS ARM.

PATRICK STEWART

I didn't need both biceps anyway.

ALISON LOHMAN

Okay I swear you just phased through the ceiling.

UMA THURMAN

Calm down, people! We're not here to make war, we're here to TALK, lighten up. And learn to respect our culture, killing a king is how we say "Hello."

PATRICK STEWART

How dare you invade our valley! What's your plan here?

UMA THURMAN

Easy, we're going to resurrect the Giant Warrior Guy so he can burn the entire toxic jungle! Yes, I will team up with a Fire Supervillain and destroy all the world's freaky plants!

PATRICK STEWART

So the opposite of your Batman and Robin plan? Are you just trying to negate that from existence?

INT. DUNGEON OF BIOLOGY

PATRICK finds a secret door to Alison's secret lab she built with plumbing, artificial sunlight, and professional horticulture presentation.

ALISON LOHMAN

Look, the jungle plants aren't dangerous if you grow them in water and soil from deep underground. They're only poisonous because of all the pollution!

PATRICK STEWART

So you grew poison plants - in your own CASTLE, where they could spread and kill everyone - then exposed yourself to them, based on nothing, on the off-chance you might not die? And you were right?!

ALISON LOHMAN

Maybe I exposed animals to them first, as a test? Which implies I killed a bunch of animals first, let's not go there.

PATRICK STEWART

How do you even know what pollution is? Pollution stopped a full millennium ago! Wouldn't you assume this is topsoil's natural state?

ALISON LOHMAN

No, no, definitely pollution. But I can't figure out... What could have polluted the ENTIRE EARTH?!

PATRICK STEWART

Gasp! Something polluted ALL OF EARTH?

ALISON LOHMAN

What could it beeeeee?!

EXT. UMA'S SQUAD OF COLOSSAL AIRSHIPS

UMA takes ALISON hostage along with EDWARD and some RANDOS and they fly away to do... something? Wait why are they

SHIA LABEOUF

(attacking from teeny weeny airplane)

SURPRISE! TASTE PINK BLOBBY BULLETS

SHIA LABEOUF starts blowing up all the warships! He sprays a million bullets at ALISON but they do NOTHING except briefly change her clothes!

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Gotta say Uma, you look completely unfazed!

UMA THURMAN

I'm not worried, these planes are built from plotarmormum. They can only explode when no main characters are on board, at which point they blow up immediately. Hence why our ship and only our ship didn't explode in three seconds.

UMA, EDWARD, and ALISON hop into a tiny gunship within the bigger ship while SHIA's ship crashes and the PANICKY HOSTAGES' ship carrying ALISON'S GLIDING SHIP glides down to the jungle below, OH SHIP!

ALISON LOHMAN

Alright everyone, we have a plan to save you, I know you're all senior valley soldiers who have been in the jungle before-

VALLEY HOSTAGES

BUHHHH GAH INSECTS

ALISON LOHMAN

Ohmu GOD, people, listen to me!

(takes off mask)

(inhales poison)

(abandons them)

VALLEY HOSTAGES

Somehow we are calm now! Truly Alison is the greatest princess who ever lived!

ALISON LOHMAN

Wow, I'm way ahead of my time for YA heroines, I'm already heroically manipulating people by threatening to kill myself!

They are all forced to land in the TOXIC JUNGLE!

EXT. TOXIC JUNGLE - FUCKED-UP EDANNA

UMA wastes no time and pulls out a gun.

UMA THURMAN

Ha ha, now you have to do what I say!

ALISON LOHMAN

If you fire that gun, all the insects will scrape out your insides like you're an Oreo. This is the second thing everyone knows about the poison jungle, after "It's poisonous." Nice try.

(to others)

Come on, we need to get out of here as fast as possible! Repair the escape thingy!

UMA fires the gun!

UMA THURMAN

DON'T YOU DARE! I'm in charge! I say we need to get out of here as fast as possible, repair the escape thingy!

ALISON LOHMAN

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.

UMA THURMAN

I'm terrified of the insects because they ripped my limbs off!

ALISON LOHMAN

Glossing right over that, YOU DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION.

GIANT ARMORED GRUBS surround them!

ALISON LOHMAN

Damn, I just sold my magical yoyos on eBay.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Their eyes are blue, which means they aren't mad yet! Hmm, blue caterpillars, fungus... anybody bring a hookah?

A GRUB suddenly sprouts a bunch of GOLDEN PASTA!

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

...Yes, yes someone did.

The MONSTER TENTACLES wrap up ALISON and give her visions of her clothes flying off!

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Goddammit Japan.

ALISON LOHMAN

I see... a meadow... a really pretty meadow...

(stares)

Um. Pretty.

(stares)

Does anyone know what this is or why I'm seeing it?

GRUB

Lem. Lum. Ladda-lum Lem Lum! Lem. Lum! Ledda laaaaaa-

EDWARD JAMES OLSON

OH GOD GET HER OUT OF THERE, HURRY OR THAT SOUNDTRACK WILL BE STUCK IN HER HEAD FOR THE NEXT FIFTEEN YEARS I SWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST

GRUB

LEM. LUM. LADDA-LUM LEM LUM

Whatever that was ENDS and the insects rush off to eat SHIA LABEOUF because who wouldn't want to eat SHIA LABEOUF.

ALISON LOHMAN

I must save him! Thank God we took my glider on this extra gunship I was never supposed to be flying and why would you pack an escape glider for your hostage that only she can use.

(flies away)

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

I guess we'll capture Uma and go home, then.

INT. TOXIC JUNGLE - FUCKED-UP SHIMMER (WAIT THAT'S REDUNDANT)

SHIA is getting chased by hundreds of ANGRY CAT-SIZED TERMITES!

SHIA LABEOUF

RRRGH, die termites! I'll shoot you! And you! I'll shoot all of-

(out of ammo)

WAT HOW DID I NOT MANAGE TO SHOOT EVERY INDIVIDUAL BUG

He gets trapped on the edge of a cliff!

TERMITE #266

Bwaha, now we can swarm you and eat you from the legs up!

TERMITE #359

SCREW THAT I'M HUNGRY NOW I WANT HIS FAAACE

(jumps at Shia)

TERMITES #134-#517

WELL THEN I TOO WANT TO GO DIRECTLY FOR HIS YUMMY YUMMY FAAAACE

The termites LEAP AT SHIA'S FACE and SLAM INTO EACH OTHER and fall off the cliff because they are hungry queenfuckers. ALISON grabs SHIA and attempts to spirit him away!

ALISON LOHMAN

Why are you shooting in the jungle?! THAT. ATTRACTS. INSEC-

SHIA LABEOUF

Oh you believe EVERY elite myth the anti-gun lobby tells you, do you? You probably also believe water can cause drowning, snrrk-hrk-hurr.

A Dragoscorioanfly bangs the WING of the glider, which somehow knocks ALISON'S MASK OFF and her LIGHTS OUT! She and SHIA crash and start sinking into quicksand.

SHIA LABOEUF

Alison! I never told you that-

(sinks)

INT. UNDERGROUND PETRIFIED FOREST

ALISON wakes up, having safely fallen another 1,000 feet because she's a Laputan.

SHIA LABOEUF

-anything about me at all yet, hi, I'm Shia. My twin sister is Placenta's Princess, which would make me the prince or something, but apparently I'm just a rebellious pilot. We think our dad is Darth Bayder.

ALISON LOHMAN

Cool. Your sister's dead, have some nuts.

SHIA LABOEUF

Ick, nuts, that's sad, so where are we?

ALISON touches a small piece of soil and can instantly tell it's NON-POLLUTED!

ALISON LOHMAN

Wow! The trees suck out pollution and replace it with clean sand! Somehow that's creating giant caverns so one day the whole jungle will cave in on itself.

EXT. VALLEY

The UMATHURMIANS are hatch/growing the GIANT WARRIOR by spreading its blood vessels all over a room, hanging artery clumps from the ceiling, and feeding it pure cockiness.

VALLEY CITIZENS

Holy shit, toxic spores got in the valley forest! We need flamethrowers so we can stop the poison from spreading!

UMATHURMIAN SOLDIERS

I mean... do you pinky swear to give them back when you're done?

VALLEY CITIZENS

Oh, sure. Cross our hearts, you assgaggers.

Everyone BURNS DOWN THE FOREST to save the valley.

CITIZENS

Well hey these flamethrowers sure are effective.

(cock eyebrows)

SOLDIERS

(cock guns)

CITIZENS

(cock flamethrowers)

SOLDIERS

We cocked up!

BATTLE breaks out! Citizens try storming the castle! They fail and get put on the NO-FLY LIST.

UMA THURMAN

Aww, that's adorable, they forgot we have ALL THESE TANKS.

CITIZENS

Uma? Didn't Patrick and Edward capture you?

UMA THURMAN

Yes, they thought it was a good idea to tie up a person who can detach her limbs. I demonstrated this ability to them WHILE I WAS TIED UP and their reaction was to shrug and walk away.

EXT. PLACENTA CAPITAL

ALISON and SHIA arrive at PLACENTA CITY to do... wait what are they even trying to

ALISON LOHMAN

Ack! The city has been destroyed by insects!

SHIA LABEOUF

Gahuuuuuh, deliberately provoking insects to destroy the city DESTROYS THE CITY? My YouTube news videos didn't tell me that would happen!

ALISON LOHMAN

Deliberately do WHAT?

A SHIP FULL OF PLACENTA REFUGEES lands, led by COMMANDER MARK HAMILL!

MARK HAMILL

Yes, we drove out invading Umathurmians by luring stampeding insects to our own city, YES IT IS SMART SHUT UP! WE ARE SMARTY-SMART NATION

(sips jet fuel)

Mmm-mmm, energy drink! Next we'll destroy the Valley, then Umathurmia, then burn the jungle! Burn everything! I need a haircut, someone get me a blowtorch!

ALISON LOHMAN

You can't burn the jungle! Plants purify the water and soil and allow us to live! Burning so much with our machines and chemicals for the sake of warfare will destroy not only nature but ourselves with it! We must stop polluting before it's too late! Compost your vegetables!

SHIA LABEOUF

Hey is this movie about the environment? I can't tell.

They take ALISON prisoner and throw her in a room full of potatoes.

But some of the Placenta citizens set her free because SHIA LABEOUF told them to DO IT!

But an EVIL PLANE attacks the OTHER EVIL PLANE so ALISON escapes on her glider but is pursued by the EVIL PLANE! They fire 5,000 bullets and she avoids roughly NONE OF THEM but is fine.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Ta-da, I'm here!

(blows up evil plane)

If you've lost track of whose plane that was and why they wanted Alison dead, just forget it. C'mon Alison, let's go save the Valley from being flattened by a billion angry cicadas!

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE VALLEY

UMA THURMAN, LIEUTENANT SMARMY, and their troops stare at the 1,000-year-old ship the valley citizens are hiding in.

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

Should we attack them?

UMA THURMAN

Nah, let's wait for Alison to show up. She's, like, cool. Mwa ha ha.

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

...What?

EXT. ALMOST AT THE VALLEY

ALISON and EDWARD fly over the millions of furiously stampeding giant grubs.

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

All these flight scenes, I bet the director is tired of these and won't ever do one again.

(points)

Look at that flying teacup! It's luring the stampede to the valley using an injured baby grub!

ALISON LOHMAN

That is NOT the kind of GrubHub we ordered!

ALISON hops on her glider while EDWARD sends out a distress flare.

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

Look, Alison's almost here! Well Uma, since you wanted to wait for her we-

UMA THURMAN

I'M NOT WAITING FOR ALISON! ATTACK NOW!! KILL THE VALLEYSMEN!

They ATTACK! Four seconds later the ship arrives.

UMA THURMAN

It's Alison! STOP ATTACKING, YOU IDIOTS! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK?

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

I'm so confused, what are you even doing?

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

I'm not Alison, she's trying to stop the solid wall of insects who are going to crush us in a few minutes.

UMA THURMAN

SHOOT THE INSECTS! FIRE EVERY GUN IN THEIR DIRECTION!

LIEUTENANT SMARMY

You're shitting me, right?

UMA THURMAN

Pew pew!

(finger guns)

LITTLE GIRL

I'm scared. Are we going to die?

WISE OLD LADY

Yup. We're toast. Don't worry, a better world will grow from the gooshy skid mark you're about to turn into.

LITTLE GIRL

Okay I'm using you as a shield.

Meanwhile ALISON manages to stop the ship with the baby insect by flying directly into it and crashing onto a miniscule sandbar in a giant lake of acid.

ALISON LOHMAN

Ow, I got SHOT? Those bullets can DO things? Nononono, baby grub, do NOT play in the acid water!

(grub pushes her into the acid)

OW... bad grub... go sit in the time-out cocoon! OWWWWWW

BABY GRUB

Aw, oopsie, I din' mean ta push oo into the acid! Lemme cure you with ma healing powers!

ALISON LOHMAN

Healing powers? Oh sure, why not. Eight minutes left and suddenly, insect healing powers.

The VALLEY CITIZENS stare in horror at the approaching wall of trucklike death grubs.

UMA THURMAN

Don't worry everyone! I ran and got the indestructible superweapon we've all been fighting over, yes, it's THE GIANT WARRIOR, grown at last! Here he is!

Out of the valley crawls GODZILLA if he was MADE OF PLAY-DOH after staring into THE ARK OF THE COVENANT for an HOUR.

EVERYONE

Yaaaay!

GIANT WARRIOR

(to the tune of "Noises the Giant Warrior Makes")

GggggrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKHEEEUUUUUUUHGHLIBWAAAaaaaUHHHHHHHHHG HUCGHUCGHCUGHCUGHCUGHCUGHS SHWAPSHWAPSHWAPSH Ktrrrrk-ktrrrrk-Ktrrrrk-ktrrrrk eeeKTRRRRRRK BLAUUUUuuuuUUUUUUUGHUchucghcugcughcughcughchBLECK,BLECKGUH,BLERgaaaaaaah...ahhhh...hurph... bloosh... blap... hurgh...

(liquifies)

blippity bloppity bloop

UMA THURMAN

Uh... New plan... You know what the best plan is?

(hides under blanket)

No plan.

But ALISON swoops in with the baby insect, landing in front of the GIANT ROLY-POLYS with only seconds left!

ALISON LOHMAN

Yes, I made it! Now the insects will stop charging and we'll apologize and we'll all forgive each other and learn a valuable lesson about harmony-

(plowed RIGHT THE FUCK OVER)

The insects BASH ALISON, like, SO HARD, she flies 2,000 FEET UP and goes SPLAT then they JUMP ON HER BODY and TRAMPLE HER and MOOSH HER AROUND screaming BZZT-BZZ-BTZZZ which means DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

INSECTS

Whoa. Guys. I think we might have a serious anger problem.

FOX-SQUIRREL

The insects were stopped by the power of love and joy! They're using their gold pasta tentacles to bring Alison back to life and now she's doing a floaty dancy-dance on happy gold sparkles! Lem! Lum! Ladda-lum lem lum!

Indeed ALISON is alive! The insects sheepishly avoid eye contact and shuffle away.

UMA THURMAN

(peeking from under blanket)

We... we survived? Hey, insects, we're totally buds now! No hard feelings, right?

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS

Lem lum ladda lum lem lum OH GOD I CAN'T STOP HEARING IT LUM LUM LUM LUM LEDDA LEDDA LUM

ALISON LOHMAN

Wow, I guess we've all learned the importance of being friends with bugs, before colony collapse disorder kicks us right in the thyroid.

(smiles)

This was great! I bet we'll be remembered as essential sci-fi, so long as we don't include any ridiculous fantasy clich-

OLD LADY

THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED! ALISON IS THE CHOSEN ONE! THE ATMOSPHERE IS NO LONGER ANGRY AND HAS RETURNED THE WIND UPON US

ALISON LOHMAN

Oh shut up.

(shoves old lady on the Cat Bus)

END