This season of Iron Chef is going to be insane.

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CYBORG LANDFILL - 500 YEARS IN THE FUTURE

Cyborg doctor CHRISTOPH WALTZ scavenges for parts.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’m a human who operates on cyborgs, not a cyborg who operates on humans, that would be my assistant Trudie who has freaky surgical finger knives. Try forgetting that image the next time you get a checkup. Oh look, a female cyborg torso! And its human brain is still alive! I will rebuild her and hope to God she’s not some kind of highly trained killer Terminator robot.

INT. CHRISTOPH’S CYBORG REPAIR SHOP

CHRISTOPH gives the cyborg a new body and she opens her eyes. Her CRAZY HUGE EYES.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Where am I?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

This movie is based on a Manga with a shitload of backstory that would take two semesters and an elective to explain, but long story short there was a war 500 years ago and now everyone’s got cyborg parts and everyone is trying to get to the floating sky city hanging above us.

ROSA EYELAZAR

So Elysium?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

With a little Wall-E, Dredd and Ghost in the Shell mixed in, sure. So what's your name? Are you having any human killing tendencies I should know about?

ROSA EYELAZAR

I don’t know who I am. I don’t even remember being in Bird Box.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

That’s for the best. I will call you “Alita” after my disabled daughter whose cyborg body you are wearing.

ROSA EYELAZAR

What happened to her?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

She was killed by a famous actor made unrecognizable by all the crazy cyborg makeup.

ROSA EYELAZAR

That sounds like a running gag waiting to happen.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Oh you bet it is.

EXT. CYBERPUNK CITY

ROSA risks her life to save a dog and wanders into a meet-cute with KEEAN JOHNSON.

KEEAN JOHNSON

I’ve never seen someone be so selfless while also looking like a human Tarsier. Let’s date.

ROSA EYELAZAR

But you don’t even know if I’m anatomically correct.

KEEAN JOHNSON

I don’t care. Our love will transcend intercourse.

ROSA EYELAZAR

(swoons!)

KEEAN JOHNSON

Besides almost no one in this movie has their original genitals because everyone's 98% cyborg. Apparently sex has been replaced by Motorball, a tournament where cyborgs compete by killing each other on a race track.

ROSA EYELAZAR

So like Speed Racer?

KEEAN JOHNSON

Yes, but with the color saturation turned way waaaaaay the fuck down. Here, let me teach you.

KEEAN and his friends teach ROSA how to MOTORBALL and she instantly masters the game in seconds!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Wow, for real?

KEEAN JOHNSON

No stupid, you fall down on your ass multiple times because you’ve never played this game before.

ROSA EYELAZAR

But I thought the hallmark of a strong female character was automatically being the best at everything without practice, training or failure?

KEEAN JOHNSON

Ah you mean the “Woke” method, luckily we’re going with the “Not Shitty” method instead.

ROSA practices and learns and GETS GOOD at Motorball!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Having a superhuman cyborg body also helps a lot!

Later ROSA sees a news report that someone is brutally killing women!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Gasp! And Christoph suddenly has an unexplained cut on his arm! I’ll follow him and see if he’s the killer!

CHRISTOPH stalks a semi-famous actress whose identity is rendered unclear by all the crazy cyborg makeup and prepares to kill her with his GIANT IMPRACTICAL ROCKET HAMMER OF DEATH.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

How the hell am I supposed to kill anyone with this thing? A rusty screwdriver would be more effective than this.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Christoph! No! I won’t let you kill that innocent unrecognizable actress!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

What? No no SHE’S the killer! AW SHIT IT’S A TRAP!!

CHRISTOPH is ambushed by murder-bots EIZA GONZALEZ, DEREK MEARS, and YET ANOTHER famous actor deformed by CGI cyborg add-ons JACKIE EARL HULKY.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Time to see what this oversized mallet is made of FUUUUCK I’M WOUNDED RUN ROSA SAVE YOURSELF!!!!

ROSA RUNS... HER FOOT RIGHT INTO DEREK’S SKULL.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Huh? Wait I can fight?

EIZA GONZALEZ

Not after I chop off your limbs with my terrifying knife arms!

(takes off robe)

(reveals cyborg body made of Ginsu knives)

Wait, even my HANDS are knives? I look like Babyface from Toy Story. How do I open doors or give out hugs or apply all this makeup I’m wearing?

ROSA EYELAZAR

Speaking of which your lipstick is smudged, here let me fix it.

(curb stomps Eiza)

There that’s better. What about you Jackie, you want a taste of this ass whooping? It’s all you can eat!

ROSA “disarms” JACKIE and sends his sorry ass packing.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Rosa, how did you do that? Did you touch a lightsaber when I wasn’t looking?

ROSA EYELAZAR

No I had a flashback of my former life where I was a soldier kicking names and taking ass! Why do you have a giant murder hammer?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’m a registered bounty hunter, that’s how I can afford to run my free cyborg repair clinic.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Cool! I’ll help you! We’ll be partners!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No it’s too dangerous. For everyone else, I mean. You just effortlessly murdered two cyber people.

ROSA EYELAZAR

But they had it coming.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

That’s the only reason I’m not running away and screaming in terror right now. Your heart is an anti-matter micro reactor, which is basically like having the power of an Iron Man suit and a Warp Core times a thousand in your chest that can power a much more powerful cyborg body used in that vague war we've hinted at.

ROSA EYELAZAR

But where am I going to get one of THOSE? I don’t even have Amazon Prime!

KEEAN JOHNSON

Maybe you should search this old crashed spaceship outside the city!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Hey I found one! Christoph, put me in this advanced killing body!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No! This is a weapon of mass destruction and I refuse to turn you into an unstoppable murder-bot! Unless of course you go get your current body all cut to shreds thereby leaving me no choice.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Then I'll go do that thanks!

INT. CYBERBAR

ROSA registers as a bounty hunter and starts provoking all the other CYBORG BOUNTY HUNTERS.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Wait half of you guys don’t even have livers, why do you even come here to drink?

ED SKREIN-BORG

For the chicken wings of course! Hey Rosa, I’m an asshole who owns that cool sword you’re holding in all the promotional art.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Hmm then I’d better save your ass kicking for later. Who are all these other guys?

ED SKREIN-BORG

Mostly a bunch of no-names, except the cyborg with all the robo-dogs and cowboy hat is Jeff Fahey.

ROSA EYELAZAR

THAT’S JEFF FAHEY?! I barely recognize him with all that cyborg makeup on! Anyway, I’m here to give a rousing speech in order to convince you guys to help me bring down Jackie Earl Hukly.

JACKIE EARLE HULKY

(bursts through wall)

OH YEAAAAAAAH!!!!! I’m here to kill Rosa with my brand new death fingernails which I will test out by killing that dog you rescued earlier. Off screen of course, this is a family film after all.

ROSA uses the dog’s blood to paint her face.

JACKIE EARLE HULKY

That dog had blood worms. Now follow me into the sewer so I can cut your shit off.

JACKIE leads ROSA down in the sewer and he CUTS HER SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF.

ROSA EYELAZAR

BUT I HAD THE HIGH GROUND!

JACKIE EARLE HULKY

Now I can turn you over to my boss who’s even more of a HULK than I am!

ROSA EYELAZAR

I still have my left arm! Come here so I can palm you to death!

JACKIE EARLE HULKY

You wish, you have to buy me dinner first.

ROSA summons up every last ounce of badassery and puts her remaining fist right through JACKIE’s eye and BREAKS IT OFF inside his skull because HOLY SHIT SHE IS METAL.

CHRISTOPH and KEEAN chase JACKIE away.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Alright fine, here’s your new murder-bot body you little drama queen, but if you mess this one up I can’t replace it.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Cool! This new body conforms to the athletic body type I had in my past life!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Wow! A female superhero who gets to CHOOSE her own body type? Feminist groups must be praising the hell out of this film and promoting it in numerous editorials all over social media as a great example of oh wait you said athletic nevermind.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Yeah it's weird how body positivity only counts if you're built like the Michelin Man. Are people really slamming a movie based on a Manga for having a Manga looking main character? Well I don’t care about their opinion, this wasn’t made for them.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Because when a woman says it it’s not sexist!

Meanwhile...

INT. MARSHAMARSHAMARSHA ALI’S EVIL PENTHOUSE

MARSHAMARSHAMARSHA ALI is the main villain. Kinda. Sorta. It’s complicated.

He meets with KEEAN.

MARSHAMARSHAMARSHA ALI

(evily polishing his two Oscars, evily)

I know your dream is to go to the floating sky city where all the cool Futurama heads are. I’ll get you in if you convince Rosa to enter Motorball tryouts so my team of assassins can kill her.

KEEAN JOHNSON

I didn’t hear that last part so I’ll do it! Hey Rosa, will you risk your life to win Motorball for a guy you literally just met?

ROSA EYELAZAR

Anything for you my love! I would even give you the arc reactor in my chest which is what all the badguys want!

(opens up chest, pulls out super-powered heart)

Here, take it! You could sell it and make all your dreams come true!

KEEAN JOHNSON

I’m not a bastard so no. But if you win Motorball you automatically get to go to the sky city!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Then I will violently murder anyone who stands in my way.

KEEAN JOHNSON

You’re so cute when you talk about killing.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Awwwww!

(blushes)

INT. MOTORBALL ARENA

ROSA arrives on the track and is immediately surrounded by BOUNTY HUNTERS.

ALL THE BOUNTY HUNTERS

(stabs thumb in cyber-neck)

(drags thumb across cyber-throat)

(points at Rosa)

ROSA EYELAZAR

So serious guys! Lighten up! No spear-hooks, okay?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Rosa! They’re all killers! It’s a trap! You have to murder them all!

ROSA EYELAZAR

I was gonna do that anyway! Now I’ll just look like slightly less of a psychopath when I do it!

The game starts and she IMMEDIATELY starts wrecking fools harder and faster than ROTTEN TOMATOES has wrecked its credibility.

Meanwhile across town KEEAN is being hunted by ED SKREIN-BORG.

KEEAN JOHNSON

What? Why?

ED SKREIN-BORG

Because Marshamarshamarsha Ali and Jackie actually work for an even bigger D-bag who lives up in the floating sky city and he wants to hurt Rosa in every way possible, which means you gotta die bro.

KEEAN JOHNSON

Killing the guy who’s dating a murder-bot? Not a smart plan.

ED SKREIN-BORG

Actually I just killed a guy and framed you for it, so it’s all perfectly legal. Foul play FTW!

ROSA comes to the rescue yah! But KEEAN is fatally stabbed oh no!

ED SKREIN-BORG

Saving Keean is against the bounty hunter code! You must kill him or you too will be hunted!

ROSA EYELAZAR

(cuts Keean’s head off)

(yes for real)

There. He’s dead.

ED SKREIN-BORG

Hey waaaaait a minute! You hooked his head up to your heart to keep him alive! No fair! I’m telling on you

(has face sliced off by his own sword)

ROSA EYELAZAR

Told you I’d save that ass whooping for later. Thanks for the cool sword!

CHRISTOPH hooks KEEAN’s head up to a cyborg body while ROSA confronts MARSHAMARSHAMARSHA.

But FIRST she clips JACKIE’s death nails and then gives him a splitting headache, emphasis on the SPLITTING.

EDWARD NORTON

(talking through Marshamarshamarsha Ali)

Hello Rosa. We meet at last.

ROSA EYELAZAR

Ed Norton? Jesus you look like Doctor Robotnik after gastric bypass surgery. I got more of my memory back and now I know my mission was to kill you.

EDWARD NORTON

Why? Because your eyes are big and I wear little glasses that make my eyes look small and narrow? I knew I should have gotten contacts.

ROSA EYELAZAR

No, because you are evil in some unclear way. I’m going to come up to that floating sky city and give you a braindectomy, Pro Bono of course.

EDWARD NORTON

Keean is already on his way up. You might want to save him before I kill him with my huge ass circular meat grinder!

ROSA EYELAZAR

I should have known! Every evil doctor has one of those!

(runs off!)

EXT. CYBERPUNK CITY

The FLOATING SKY CITY is connected to huge anchors that keep it from... floating off into space I guess.

KEEAN tries to run up one of these anchors to get to the city.

KEEAN JOHNSON

All this cybertech and NO ONE ever thought of making a helicopter???

ROSA EYELAZAR

Keean, stop, you’re going to get yourself killed. Come back down so we can have cyber sex, the real kind.

KEEAN JOHNSON

I still have a bounty on my head. Like, literally. We'll always be on the run and you'll never be safe so

(is sliced and diced by the Ed-O-Matic Mincer)

(dies)

(for real this time)

ROSA EYELAZAR

Grrrr!!! Damn you Ed! Now I’m going to win the Motorball tournament and come up to your sky apartment and beat the ever living shit out of

END!

ROSA EYELAZAR

Wait. What. WAIT WHAT?!?!

EDWARD NORTON

Haha! Gotta wait until the sequel to find out what happens next!

ROSA EYELAZAR

But the movie isn’t making that much money! A sequel might never happen! We'll need a miracle! Ahem.

(pause)

I SAID AHEM!!!!

CHINA

Okay okay! No promises though!

WRITER JAMES CAMERON

Hey at least we gave a little disabled girl cool prosthetic robot arms instead of using little poor kids as props to inflate our ticket sales. Oh well, back to writing Avatar 17 for me!

(throws all 5 planned Alita Cinematic Universe scripts in the trash)

JENNIFER CONNELLY

And I was here all along!

END

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