FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES - 1984

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER arrives from THE FUTURE and he is TOTALLY ASS NAKED.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I am a cyborg sent from the future on a noble mission to stop the evil flesh monsters that live only to slaughter all of machinekind, who are completely innocent and were just defending themselves from being destroyed. I must prevent the birth of the human's Führer, John Connor, in order to stop this terrible cybernetic genocide from taking place.

(pause)

My dick is still hanging out, isn't it?

IT IS.

Some STREET PUNKS are approached by ARNOLD'S FLOPPY PENIS, followed by ARNOLD a few hours later.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Which one of you guys is Brian Thompson?

BRIAN THOMPSON

Yo.

(impaled by ARNOLD's fist)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

That should keep you from ruining my favorite Mortal Kombat character!

BRIAN THOMPSON

(blood gushing out of body)

Argh! My very first movie and I am killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! I was really looking forward to being killed off by Sylvester Stallone! Or maybe even Jean-Claude Van Damme instead!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(checks IMDb App)

Actually, you will. Also Buffy. Twice.

BRIAN THOMPSON

(dies, from embarrassment)

One of the other STREET PUNKS FLEES, who happens to be BILL PAXTON!

BILL PAXTON

Ha ha! I survived!

JAMES CAMERON

(reading over "Aliens" script)

Not for long.

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES

MICHAEL BIEHN arrives from THE FUTURE and he is TOTALLY ASS NAKED.

FEMALE AUDIENCE

Hey now. Are all 80s action movies like this? We've been missing out. Hopefully the Hollywood action movies of the future will continue to show nude men equally as much as they show nude women.

MICHAEL BIEHN

In action movies? Nope, sorry. But they show a lot of micro-penises in comedies, so there's that to look forward to, right ladies?

FEMALE AUDIENCE

(frowns)

MICHAEL steals a HOMELESS GUY'S PANTS and is immediately SHOT AT by COPS because PANTS THEFT is punishable by DEATH in this time period.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Damnit! I can't escape without some overpriced kicks! Preferably ones with a Velcro strap!

NIKE INC

Here Michael, why don't you try on this pair of Nike Vandals? Nike, Just Do It.

MICHAEL steals the NIKES and ESCAPES, STYLISHLY.

INT. DINER

LINDA HAMILTON works as a waitress and is wearing some kind of DEAD ANIMAL as a HAT.

LINDA HAMILTON

No, that's just my hair. You can always tell a strong female character by her unsexy or fucking ridiculous hairstyle.

ELLEN RIPLEY

Yep.

CLARICE STARLING

Yep.

LISBETH SALANDER

Japp.

INT. GUN SHOP

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Give me guns. Preferably ones that won't exist for another 40 years.

MURRAY FUTTERMAN

I guess Skynet didn't send back the shiniest toaster in the pantry.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh, and put live ammunition on the counter within my reach.

MURRAY FUTTERMAN

You look, sound and act like an upstanding citizen so okay.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Holy shit are you serious? You NEVER leave live ammo within the customer's reach! Especially a customer who looks like he's eaten all the steroids in existence.

MURRAY FUTTERMAN

Hey, I survived Stripe, I think I can survive you.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Wrong.

(shoots MURRAY)

I've killed two people that are not my primary target. Maybe Mr. Futterman was right, maybe I'm not the smartest cyborg on the assembly line.

(pause)

Nah.

ARNOLD uses the 1984 version of GOOGLE known as PHONE BOOK to stalk and brutally kill women named LINDA HAMILTON, none of which are the right LINDA HAMILTON.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hey, is it just me or is this movie giving off a weird slasher flick vibe?

JAMES CAMERON

No way! You have a gun instead of a knife! Totally different!

INT. LINDA HAMILTON'S HOUSE

Even though LINDA knows that some psycho is going around killing women named LINDA HAMILTON, she decides to GO OUT ALONE, giving her ROOMMATE and her ROOMMATE'S BOYFRIEND a chance to FUCK.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Not if The Cock-Blockinator has anything to say about it!

ARNOLD brutally KILLS THEM in a LONG, DRAWN OUT, TORTURE-PORNISH WAY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Okay seriously are you sure this isn't just a high-concept slasher flick? Give me a mask and I'm basically Michael Myers.

JAMES CAMERON

I'm James Fucking Cameron, acclaimed director of "Piranha Part Two: The Spawning," okay? No way would I steal from bottom feeders like John Carpenter and Sean S. Cunningham!

HARLAN ELLISON

No, just me.

INT. TECHNO BAR

MICHAEL follows LINDA as OBVIOUSLY as POSSIBLE so LINDA hides out in a bar. ARNOLD soon arrives and sets off the METAL DETECTOR.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Whoops. It's okay, I have a metal hip. And arm. And leg. And skull. Actually my entire skeleton is metal.

STAN LEE

Why does that sound so familiar?

ARNOLD SLOWLY approaches LINDA and SLOWLY pulls out his gun and SLOWLY aims at her forehead and SLOWLY starts to pull the trigger...

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(struggling to pull the trigger)

Linda's hair... too ridiculous... my processor... can't take it... preventing me from pulling... trigger...

MICHAEL finishes drinking his MOJITO before he decides to jump in and pump ARNOLD full of lead.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Linda! Come with me if you want to live!

LINDA HAMILTON

I kinda just sat there like a dork while Arnold stuck a gun in my face so maybe I don't want to live?

ARNOLD gets up and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT out of everything EXCEPT LINDA and MICHAEL.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Damn you Michael! You hit my targeting system! Which was located on my chest for some reason!

EXT. ALLEY

MICHAEL and LINDA run away and MICHAEL BLOWS UP a car that was storing DYNAMITE in its MUFFLER.

ARNOLD appears and jumps through the FIREBALL.

FIREBALL

Hey Arnold, while you're passing through me how would you like a snazzy new punk haircut to go with your punk cosplay outfit?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Sure!

ARNOLD emerges from the FIREBALL with a BRAND NEW SPIKY HAIRCUT!

AUDIENCE

WTF? Time travel? Okay. Cyborgs? Okay. A fireball barbershop? Seriously, WTF?

MICHAEL and LINDA escape in a CAR.

LINDA HAMILTON

Who are you?!

MICHAEL BIEHN

I'm Michael Biehn! I was sent from the future to protect you!

LINDA HAMILTON

The future? Do they not have showers and soap there? You smell like hot garbage mixed with even hotter garbage.

MICHAEL BIEHN

That's just my pants. I think the previous owner sharted in them.

LINDA HAMILTON

Or maybe you're just some crazy hobo with a shotgun.

MICHAEL BIEHN

That's a terrible idea for a movie. Now Arnold is chasing us so get down! And by "down" I mean "shove your face in my lap"!

(forces LINDA's face right into the crotch of his hobo pants)

LINDA HAMILTON

Holy Gawd! It smells like a cheese factory down here!

MICHAEL BIEHN

That's good! Arnold's bullets are repelled by stank!

MICHAEL and LINDA hide in a parking garage.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Linda, I come from a future where evil machines have completely taken over! Arnold is a cyborg sent back to kill you before you give birth to the savior of humanity.

LINDA HAMILTON

Exactly how many mojitos did you have back at the bar?

MICHAEL BIEHN

I'M SERIOUS!

LINDA HAMILTON

DON'T YELL AT ME! BEING YELLED AT MAKES ME WANT TO BITE THINGS!

(bites MICHAEL)

MICHAEL BIEHN

Machines don't feel pain, I do.

LINDA HAMILTON

But you just acted like that didn't hurt. You didn't even say ow. I don't trust you.

MICHAEL BIEHN

I bet you'll trust me after Arnold tries to shoot you in the forehead some more. Hey, Arnold! We're over here! Hey!

ARNOLD appears and chases them some more.

Then MICHAEL, LINDA and ARNOLD reach a dead end and are quickly surrounded by a handful of COPS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hmm. This is clearly too many cops for me to handle by myself. I better sneak away like a coward and attack Linda when she is surrounded by 12x as many cops.

(sneaks away)

MICHAEL and LINDA are taken into CUSTODY.

INT. POLICE STATION

DR. EARL BOEN interrogates MICHAEL, who is busy patching up potential PLOT HOLES.

DR. EARL BOEN

So where exactly are you from again?

MICHAEL BIEHN

40 years in the future. I traveled back in time by reading a special binary code created by a particularly devious robot known as Bender Rodriguez.

DR. EARL BOEN

So why didn't you bring back some future tech with you to prove your story, Mr. Time Traveler Man?

MICHAEL BIEHN

Only biological things can go back, that's why The Terminators are covered in human skin, or "skin jobs". Also their spines light up when they have sex. Don't ask me how I know that.

DR. EARL BOEN

Then why not just wrap a bomb in synthetic skin or stuff it inside a cow and send it back? I mean it's not like these "Terminators" are powered by a hydrogen bomb or anything.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Two, actually, but that's not until 2003.

DR. EARL BOEN

2003? But that's only 19 years from now! I thought you traveled back 40 years?

MICHAEL BIEHN

Yes, but that's from one possible future in which this franchise doesn't devolve into one big stinky gooey gob of Santorum and "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" didn't become a boring convoluted mess.

OFFICERS LANCE HENRIKSEN and PAUL WINFIELD comfort LINDA.

PAUL WINFIELD

Ignore everything Michael told you. He's full of shit. There are no such things as time machines, cyborgs or fire haircuts.

LINDA HAMILTON

But I know what I saw with my own eyes!

PAUL WINFIELD

Your eyes are full of shit too.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

This reminds me of a supercool story about myself. See this scar--

PAUL WINFIELD

Nobody gives a shit about that time you cut yourself playing Five Finger Fillet, Lance. Just give it up already will ya?

They watch a recording of MICHAEL'S INTERROGATION.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Listen to me! Arnold is coming after her! That's all he does! He won't stop until she's dead! And by she I mean California! He's going to bankrupt the fuck out of that place!

ARNOLD enters the police station and studies its ARCHITECTURE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

This place seems to be made out of wood and glass, which is no match for a steel bumper.

ARNOLD pulls out a MEASURING TAPE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yup, I bet an automobile would fit right through here like a glove.

OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS

Strangely I am not suspicious of the big bodybuilding punk rocker whom there must be an APB out on and eye witness artist renderings of, but it seems I'm too lazy to do my damn job by actually looking you in the face.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'll be--

OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS

Leaving now?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Well, yes. But then I'll be--

OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS

Getting the fuck out of my face finally?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Not quite. I'll be back!

OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS

You mean to murder my ass and the asses of all my cop buddies?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Actually I was just going to post Linda's bail and kill her when she comes out, but your idea sounds much more cost-effective.

OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS

But I was only two days away from retirement

(hit with car)

ARNOLD enters an INFINITE AMMO CHEAT CODE and SHOOTS THE LIVING FUCK out of 80 COPS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yes, 80 is the exact number of cops I should take on all at once. Any less would be suicide! Now according to my database yanking out the electrical line connected to the fuse box won't turn off all the lights, but sticking that electrical line into the fuse box will!

As STUPID as this SOUNDS, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

LINDA cowers in a dark room waiting to die while the silhouette of ARNOLD lurks outside. This is totally NOT like a SLASHER FLICK.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Linda! It's me! Come with me if you want to live!

LINDA HAMILTON

No way dude, you still smell like gym socks and ball sweat.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Hey, Arnold! She's in here!

LINDA HAMILTON

Okay okay!

MICHAEL and LINDA escape and get some sleep.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Fuck! I feel a future Vietnam flashback coming on!

LINDA HAMILTON

Michael, who is the father of my baby?

MICHAEL BIEHN

I don't know, but I bet he was a handsome devil with a monster penis.

LINDA HAMILTON

Do you have a wife or a girlfriend in the future?

MICHAEL BIEHN

No, I've been saving myself for the love of my life, who happens to be you. That's right Linda, I volunteered to travel back in time just so I could hump my boss's mom. Also I'm a virgin.

CRASH!!

MICHAEL BIEHN

What was that noise?

LINDA HAMILTON

The sound of my panties hitting the floor.

They have romantic HAND-HOLDY SHEET-GRABBY SEX.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(appearing)

Did someone call The Cock-Blockinator?! Shit, you guys already had sex didn't you? I suck at terminating AND cock blocking!

A CHASE ensues and ARNOLD shoots MICHAEL.

MICHAEL BIEHN

Damnit! I knew I shouldn't have taken a shower! The hobo funk was like a Kevlar vest I tells ya!

ARNOLD steals a TANKER TRUCK and tries to run down LINDA, but she OUTRUNS HIM because she is THE FLASH or something.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The hell? Why am I only driving 3 miles an hour? Did Skynet program me to obey the speed limit in a school zone or what?

MICHAEL blows up ARNOLD'S TRUCK and ARNOLD dies...

Only to be reborn as ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD!

CONTEMPORARY AUDIENCE

Wow, the CGI in this film looks so real. You know, like they actually built a real life cyborg and then filmed it without the aid of computer graphics.

STAN WINSTON

That's because I was the fucking man.

INT. MACHINE FACTORY

ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD chases MICHAEL and LINDA here. Well, not so much "chases" as "slowly limps in their general direction"

ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD

Come out Linda! Do you have any idea how long it took me to build up all that muscle tone?! I may have limited movement and my leg might be all fucked to hell but I am still going to murder you bitch!

LINDA HAMILTON

He's right Michael, Animatronic-Arnold is moving pretty slowly. We could just run away and call the cops. They'd have no choice but to believe your story now.

MICHAEL BIEHN

(holding lit pipe-bomb)

Oh shit! If only you had mentioned that 5 seconds earlier--

(explodes!)

ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD blows up too and is transformed into PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD!

PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD

Where's a Hoveround when you need one? But I'm still scary though! Look!

(crawls after LINDA, menacingly)

See? I can still crawl! Come here Linda! Don't make me crawl your ass to death!

LINDA HAMILTON

Okay, for reals, YOU HAVE NO LEGS! Sure my leg took a little shrapnel, but I could still just hop away or beat you to death with your own severed leg!

PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD

Oh come on Linda! Can't you just pretend your legs don't work too? Have you no sense of fairness?

LINDA HAMILTON

Hey! I've got fairness coming out of my asshole! I challenge you to crawl-race me to that crusher thing over there!

PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD

You're on!

LINDA HAMILTON

And you're terminated, fucker!

LINDA pushes some buttons and crushes ROBO-ARNOLD!

PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD

Aw no fair! You couldn't even see the buttons you were pushing! You just got lucky and hit the right one--

(is squished)

ELECTRICITY shoots out of ROBO-ARNOLD and hits LINDA, but she's wearing RUBBER SKIN or something so she's OKAY.

EXT. MEXICO

KNOCKED UP LINDA is here instead of ON TRIAL for the suspected murder of her INSANE HOBO BOYFRIEND.

LINDA HAMILTON

(recording a message to her unborn baby)

...so Michael's your father and you have to send him back in time for a temporal booty call or you won't exist.

(pause)

Or in the prime time-line I slept with some asshole who was your original father and Michael retroactively killed the real John Conner by invading my uterus with his future sperm. This is kind of a clusterfuck of a plot hole.

JAMES CAMERON

Nuh-uh.

AUDIENCE

He makes a strong argument, Linda.

LINDA HAMILTON

So with the huge success of this film I'm destined to follow in Sigourney Weaver's footsteps and become a huge A List movie actress instead of wallowing in TV show obscurity. Yessir, the future is sure looking up for me.

SKYNET

Countless resources, dozens of years and millions of hours of research in time travel technology, and the only thing we were able to terminate was Linda's career? We deserve to lose.

END