FADE IN:

INT. DREARY PORTLAND

DAKOTA JOHNSON is getting ready to interview extremely successful, handsome, billionaire business tycoon, JAMIE DORNAN. She prepares by not brushing her hair and dressing in something from the junior's department at Target in 1992. She is doing this as a favor for her roommate ELOISE MUMFORD.

ELOISE MUMFORD

Why the hell are you dressed like?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Please, I have a 4.0 GPA, I know how to dress myself.

ELOISE MUMFORD

So your character is so fleshed out that you have to say your GPA in one of your very first lines? Also, did you cut your hair with a flowbee?

DAKOTA JOJNSON

Yes.

ELOISE MUMFORD

So do you have everything you need? A pen? The questions you've thoroughly reviewed? The research you've done on your subject before going to interview him?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I've had no time. But I'm the type of person who drops their GPA in regular conversation. So clearly I'm vain enough to think I have everything under control. But no, I did not do any of those things at all.

INT. DREARY SEATTLE

DAKOTA arrives at DORNAN ENTERPRISES and enters JAMIE'S office by falling over that pesky nuisance, NOTHING AT ALL. JAMIE helps her up. Everything is steel, silver, shadowy, dusky, and overcast. It's gray.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Huh. Based on the book, you are supposed to be the hottest man that has ever existed. Yet you have the face of a toddler and you look about as intense as a marshmallow.

JAMIE DORNAN

And I'm going to deliver nearly every single line as if I'm just waking up from a coma.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well eventually we are going to have simulate the most intimate act two people can share.

JAMIE DORNAN

Watching someone else have a colonoscopy?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I see. Time for my questions. You are an American billionaire under 30 so... you created Facebook?

JAMIE DORNAN

No, I'm in telecommunications.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

That's incredibly vague.

JAMIE DORNAN

And it's all you're getting.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well I'm going to have to write it down. Do you have a pencil?

JAMIE hands her a PENCIL. DAKOTA performs fellatio on PENCIL. PENCIL becomes the best actor in the room. A star is born.

JAMIE DORNAN

I like you now! Thanks Pencil! Do you want a job here?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Huh. I didn't even tell you about my GPA. But no, I wouldn't fit in with the Amazonian tall beauties in your office who know where to find a decent sheath dress. I'm coy, you see.

JAMIE DORNAN

I see someone who was directed "act really coy" and is doing this by staring slack jawed and stuttering. You're coming off like an imbecile. If it wasn't for that pencil, your character would just fall into the cracks of that chair.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well I think this scene has done its job; giving this movie the amorous atmosphere of Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer. I better be going.

DAKOTA leaves and goes to her job at a hardware store where she is dressed in a mountain man's flannel and overalls. Because if you work at a hardware store you should also dress like a lumberjack. JAMIE arrives.

JAMIE DORNAN

I needed some cable ties and I came over 150 miles away to get them.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What the fuck? How did you know I worked here?

JAMIE DORNAN

Um. I didn't? I'm here on business... so I decided to just lurk in the aisle and stare at you until you noticed me. Let's go have coffee.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

JAMIE and DAKOTA have coffee with the buzzing sexual chemistry of terminal cancer.

JAMIE DORNAN

As an English major, you must love Thomas Hardy.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Tom Hardy is in this? Thank fucking Christ.

TOM HARDY

Wishful thinking. No.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Oh, well yeah I sure do love Thomas Hardy. I'm a total romantic just like all English majors are.

They actually say this in this movie.

JAMIE DORNAN

Romance is gross. I'm out.

INT. DAKOTA'S APARTMENT

DAKOTA and ELOISE get ready to go out to celebrate graduating.

ELOISE MUMFORD

Oh look you have a delivery! Jamie sent you four copies of very expensive first edition Thomas Hardy books.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

God what a creepy fuck. He may be loaded and gorgeous, but he clearly seems like someone I need to stay very far away from. I'll drunk dial him later.

DAKOTA drunk dials JAMIE and DOES NOT TELL HIM WHERE SHE IS. He shows up at the club when DAKOTA is being manhandled by some overzealous asshole friend who will have more screen time in the next movie. She promptly vomits on the sidewalk. The damsel not only needs to be in distress but totally unconscious, so DAKOTA faints into JAMIE'S arms for no reason whatsoever.

INT. THE HEATHMAN

The next morning, DAKOTA wakes up in a hotel bed only wearing her skivvies. There are little signs next to some aspirin and orange juice that say "eat me" and "drink me" because GET IT? She fell down the rabbit hole! This is actually the only thing that JAMIE does that is multidimensional.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well this is embarrassing. So nothing happened, right?

JAMIE DORNAN

No, I just slept next to you, undressed you, had some new clothes delivered for you, and ordered your breakfast.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

How did you know where I was last night? Why did you do this for me when you could have just taken me home? Why is this luxury hotel suite decorated like Mike Brady's home office? HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?

JAMIE DORNAN

Because I'm really into you, I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stay away from you, and I have a secret that I need to share with you. Will you fly with me to be alone with me in my house?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Seems legit. Plus the audience is probably getting desperate to see your purple headed womb broom.

They leave on a helicopter because fuck cars.

INT. JAMIE'S HOUSE

JAMIE and DAKOTA go down the hall to his super secret room. NOBODY sees this coming AT ALL.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(actual line)

So this is where you keep your XBox?

JAMIE DORNAN

Yes, this entire time I've built up the intense sexual mystery of having an extravagant man cave. Behind these doors is a ping pong table and a poster of dogs playing poker.

JAMIE shows DAKOTA his creepy ass BDSM den.

JAMIE DORNAN

You see, I would like to bring you pain, because that would bring me pleasure. I actually call this an equation. I am really bad at math.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

And I would get pleasure out of the pleasure that you get out of bringing me pain?

JAMIE DORNAN

I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Certainly you must be aware of the numerous places where you could find experienced women to be your submissive? Assuming that I would play that role for you is extremely presumptuous considering we've only known each other a very short time. The fact that you took me here alone would actually signal some serious warning signs for women who are novices in this lifestyle.

Um so. Like. Um.

(bites lip)

How am I supposed to know that I will like this kind of thing?

JAMIE DORNAN

Tell me what you liked about sex before. Because even if you've only had normy sex, you could still totally enjoy being filleted like a fish by a stranger. Trust me.

DAKOTA whispers and mumbles that she's never had sex before. JAMIE tells her he understands, decides to wait to have sex until they know each other better, and they spend the rest of the evening drinking champagne and playing Scrabble carries her away over his shoulder and fucks her.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Jamie, I'm the virgin here. Can you please have sex with me without looking like you just ate bad sushi?

JAMIE DORNAN

That won't happen, so the sex scenes are mostly just a series of close ups of your nipples and my ass. Neither one of us will have an orgasm on film, making everything extremely unrewarding.

Later, JAMIE gives DAKOTA the contract she is expected to sign to be his submissive. It includes dictating what she eats, wears, how and when she works out, and staying with him every weekend to basically live as his servant. DAKOTA has some qualms so they meet to talk about them.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Ok, so here is the thing. Before entering a contract to be someone's submissive, I would need to actually be a submissive, and I am not. In the book, the poorly written subconscious allows the reader to know that I really want to have sex with you. With the absence of that, this looks coercive. I suggest we take things slowly, possibly have a casual sexual relationship, and if we want to add certain consensual kinks to it, we take our time with it. But as it stands, it is absolutely out of line for you to ask me to sign this contract.

JAMIE DORNAN

Can't we just make jokes about genital clamps, fisting, and anal beads?

THEY DO.

JAMIE DORNAN

You know Dakota, I can tell you want to fuck me because your knees are together and your mouth is open.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I could just be holding in a fart. But anyway, I should get going. I'm not going to agree to being your submissive yet because I have to graduate.

JAMIE DORNAN

Holy fucking Christ that hasn't happened yet?

DAKOTA graduates and tells JAMIE on stage that she will sign his contract.

INT. DAKOTA'S APARTMENT

JAMIE meets DAKOTA after graduating and gives her a fucking car. After. Stealing. Her. Car.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

WHAT THE FUCK? You just took my car without asking me? How did you even do that?

DAKOTA gets reamed by a battering ram made of caution tape, red flags, and warning signs.

JAMIE DORNAN

Now that I'm your dominant, I'm going to spank you for your smart mouth missy.

JAMIE spanks DAKOTA with the aggression of newborn kittens. Then he really shows her who's boss by going down on her and smelling her panties. And then they go eat dinner with his family.

INT. THE DORNAN FAMILY HOME

MARCIA GAY HARDEN

Holy shit! I'm in this? Is it too late to bow out for the second one?

JAMIE DORNAN

Apparently so.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well Jamie, I'm going to spend some quality time with my mother for a few days.

JAMIE DORNAN

Fuck no you are not. I never gave you permission to do that.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

That's so sweet. But as a young woman who is toying with the idea of giving up most of my independence and autonomy, I really just need to spend some quality time with my mother.

INT. GEORGIA WHERE DAKOTA IS SPENDING SOME TIME ALONE WITH HER MOTHER

JAMIE appears out of nowhere.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

JESUS CHRIST!? What in hell is your problem?

JAMIE DORNAN

I promised you romance! Isn't this romantic?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Maybe for Travis Bickle.

JAMIE DORNAN

You find it romantic. Let's go flying.

They DO. And then they go back to his BDSM den and have verrrrrry soft porn BDSM sex while Catholic Mass music is playing. HOT. The specific piece is the 40-voice motet SPEM IN ALIUM, which was perhaps chosen for its deep complexity and intricate counterpoint, or maybe because 40 is really close to 50, but most likely because its title sounds like SPERM AND ANAL FUN.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Jamie, I think I'm in love with you. Mostly because this movie is running approximately 2 hours too long and it's time to wrap this baby up.

JAMIE DORNAN

You can't love me. You see, I was adopted and my biological mom was a prostitute and addicted to crack. That makes me fucked up and you should hate me for that.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

That would make me an asshole. But I want to know the pleasurable pain you promised to bring me for you. So pain me as hard as you can and I'll see if it will be pleasurable or painful.

HE spanks her with a belt. It's PAINFUL.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Holy shit! I didn't even see that coming at all! There were no clues at all whatsoever that I might not be into this kind of thing! I hate you, you sick bastard! And not for the sneaky ass stalky shit you've done, but for the one thing I actually gave you permission to do. It's over. Bye.

She leaves.

CHARLIE HUNNAM

Phew! As someone starring in a trashy television show about disgusting people, I'm glad I decided I have more taste than this.

DIRECTOR SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I've already blamed this mess on the ridiculous author having too much control over the film rights. I may not be back.

AUTHOR E.L. JAMES

Oh my! Jeez. Holy crap! My inner goddess is cheering over the broken deserted carcasses of your careers. Laters baby.

END