FADE IN:

EXT. PERFECTION

ROSARIO DAWSON leaves her SHITTY PAST behind and moves in with GEOFF STULTS and his daughter, ISABELLA RICE.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Well, my life certainly went from zero to awesome in a matter of months. I've got a ready-made husband, his adorable moppet of a daughter, and his absurdly expensive piece of southern California real estate. It's almost too good to be-

KATHERINE HEIGL drives up.

ROSARIO DAWSON

-yeah.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Hello, Rosario. Clearly we are destined to despise each other, for my hair is so straight and white that it could run for governor of Utah, and you have... color.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Not laying it on too thick, are we, Di Novi?

KATHERINE HEIGL

Here's Isabella's schedule, her dancing shoes, her all-organic diet plan, her full kit of pageant makeup, and an entire album of photos of HER REAL MOTHER. Do anything to fuck up her development and I've got a Blu-Ray of The Ugly Truth with your name on it. Ciao!

(leaves)

GEOFF STULTS

What did I tell you? Bitches be crazy, right?

ROSARIO DAWSON

We're not even getting a chance to consider the possibility that she's just having a hard time seeing another woman with her ex-husband and daughter?

GEOFF STULTS

Nope. There can only be one female-helmed film that positively or realistically portrays its leads per year.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Well, there's always next year. Any chance that DC is developing a Vixen movie?

GEOFF/ROSARIO

LMAO

INT. DISSONANT CHORDS AND DESPERATE STARES

This isn't the LATEST COLDPLAY ALBUM, just the NEXT TEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. And also the NEXT EIGHTY-FIVE MINUTES OF THE MOVIE.

MR. M.

(actual line)

I'm gonna play Total War. Tell me when the batshit starts.

INT. THE LITERAL MOMMY WARS

KATHERINE horns in on dinnertime with ROSARIO and ISABELLA.

ISABELLA RICE

Rosario, I don't want to eat this grown-up food!

ROSARIO DAWSON

Oh, um, well...

KATHERINE HEIGL

Make her something she likes, you unmotherly cow. Anyway, Isabella, tomorrow you're going to get on the grown-up horsie at your riding lesson.

ISABELLA RICE

But Mommy, I don't want to ride the grown-up horsie!

KATHERINE HEIGL

Too bad, you'll ride it. Do you take me for an indulgent pushover?

ROSARIO DAWSON

...I've made a terrible, terrible mistake.

INT. KATHERINE'S HOUSE

KATHERINE gets a visit from her mother, A SENTIENT BREAST IMPLANT CHERYL LADD.

CHERYL LADD

Dear, your skills as a housewife are total shit. Perhaps if you were better at polishing things, Geoff would still be with you instead of that horrid quadroon.

(pauses)

That last part wasn't supposed to be out loud.

(pauses)

OK, it totally was.

KATHERINE HEIGL

I don't have to be married to be happy, Mother. I could get a job.

CHERYL LADD

Ha! Don't be ridiculous, Katherine. Clinging to him like a barnacle made him marry you the first time, so why not a second? I didn't RAISE you to get by without a man, did I?

Taking her mother's PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE to heart, KATHERINE sets out to destroy ROSARIO.

KATHERINE HEIGL

So, according to the Deep Web skills I apparently have, she had a restraining order against an abusive ex. He could be very useful to me...

BITCHES

(be crazy)

INT. THE CRAZIES WHO LUNCH

KATHERINE and ROSARIO eat and drink COCKTAILS. But mostly drink COCKTAILS.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Listen, Rosario, I'm sorry about getting up in your business. It won't happen again.

ROSARIO DAWSON

I totally believe you. From now on we'll respect each other's boundaries.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Agreed. So Geoff and I split up because I had an affair because he paid more attention to his business than me, even though he and I banged like rabbits everywhere and all the time.

ROSARIO DAWSON

...Wait, which is it? Emotional neglect or nonstop fucking?

KATHERINE HEIGL

Another round?

ROSARIO trips BALLS about THAT LAST PART later and drags GEOFF into the bathroom so they can bang like RABBITS. Atta girl.

Meanwhile, KATHERINE jills off while catfishing ROSARIO's ex, SIMON KASSIANIDES, as ROSARIO.

YOUR PENIS has probably never been this confused.

INT. ROSARIO'S HOUSE

ROSARIO arrives to find SIMON waiting.

SIMON KASSIANIDES

Hey babe. Let's fuck.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Whaaaaaat?! I never said I wanted to fuck you! It must have been my husband's crazy ex-wife pretending to be me for some reason!

SIMON KASSIANIDES

OK, OK. Calm down.

(clenches fist)

Just be cool.

(pounds wall)

No need to freak out.

(breaks window with head)

We're both reasonable people.

(drop-kicks cat)

ROSARIO DAWSON

GET AWAY FROM ME!

SIMON KASSIANIDES

NO! I WAS TOLD THERE'D BE SEX!

He smacks ROSARIO around some and she stabs him. In the THIGH. Then she drives off and KATHERINE enters.

SIMON KASSIANIDES

Thank God, a complete stranger. Can you hand me a towel?

KATHERINE HEIGL

(actual line)

You've handled this very poorly.

SIMON KASSIANIDES

You mean... the aggravated assault and rape?

KATHERINE HEIGL

Yeah, that.

She stabs him in the HEART.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Christ, you just can't get good pawns these days.

INT. POLICE STATION

CHIEF ROBERT WIGGUM WISDOM questions ROSARIO.

CHIEF ROBERT WISDOM

So, according to you, your husband's ex-wife stole your cell phone, used it to make a fake Facebook account for you, stalked your abusive ex, made him think you wanted him back, also stole your engagement ring and panties, terrorized you by calling you anonymously and sending you flowers, made your husband think you were having an affair, and judged you like all the time. You'll have to forgive me if I think that sounds like the plotline of a movie that nobody liked.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Would you believe me if I told you she's Katherine Heigl?

CHIEF ROBERT WISDOM

Yup. Totally. You're free to go.

ROSARIO meets GEOFF in the waiting room.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Hey hon. Sorry I didn't tell you about my tragic backstory.

GEOFF STULTS

Rosario, that doesn't change a thing. You win, and the prize is me. That's my character.

DIRECTOR DENISE DI NOVI

Equality!

GEOFF STULTS

Anyway, I'm going to get Isabella away from her crazy-ass mother, so you just sit tight, OK?

ROSARIO DAWSON

In a police station? What am I supposed to do?

GEOFF STULTS

Uh, I dunno. Maybe they have donuts and a 1993 Reader's Digest.

(leaves)

Five minutes later, ROSARIO realizes that he's about to enter KATHERINE HEIGL's house.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Oh... fuck.

INT. THE LAIR OF THE SHE-BEAST

GEOFF enters just as KATHERINE is burning something that apparently matters while wearing JULIA'S ENGAGEMENT RING.

GEOFF STULTS

Gads! I was right all along when I said you be crazy!

KATHERINE HEIGL

I am NOT! I've just resorted to stalking, murder and being an accessory to attempted rape to get back the happy family life I pissed away! What's so crazy about that?

GEOFF STULTS

Yeah, I'm gonna slowly turn my back to leave as if you're not batshit insane and wielding a-

KATHERINE knocks him out with the FIREPLACE POKER.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Oh... oh, Geoff, darling, did I do that? I'll just run and get the first aid kit. Which has tape in it. Which gives me a great idea...

She gets her SNIDELY WHIPLASH on just as ROSARIO bursts in.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Ah-HA! It's you! The perfect victim of my anger toward my dear mother!

ROSARIO DAWSON

Cut the shit, Katherine. You're blonde, I'm black, and we want the same guy. You know what's next.

KATHERINE HEIGL

(sighs)

Yup. Let's get to it.

LIL JON

GIRLFIIIGHT!

They wrestle for control of the FIREPLACE POKER and then a KNIFE that was just there for SOME REASON. Then KATHERINE notices some BLOOD on her FACE.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Oh no! Color! It can't beeeee!

She walks into the KNIFE.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Katherine! Stop stabbing yourself! STOP STABBING YOURSELF!

KATHERINE HEIGL

(bleeding)

Too late... my pain will be over... just promise... one thing...

ROSARIO DAWSON

Yes, Katherine, anything!

KATHERINE HEIGL

Never... let Isabella... see... The Nut Job...

(dies)

INT. MANY PTSD TREATMENTS LATER

ROSARIO finally sits down to enjoy her PERFECT LIFE when...

CHERYL LADD

I brought muffins and judgment!

ROSARIO DAWSON

(stabs self)

END