FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY - PANDEMIC SCHMANDEMIC

SARAH JESSICA PARKER begins her usual voice over. In the past, she has sometimes said the phrase “…and just like that.” So, naturally, they named this reboot after it and they make her say it in every single episode.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Hey everyone. Remember when we celebrated Samantha Jones as "50 and fabulous"? Well, it's been 20 years since our popular, groundbreaking show about women's sexuality aired, and we're all in our mid 50's now. And you'll be happy to know that we are all miserable and insecure about our age.

(pause)

Don’t worry folks, this will be short.

KRISTIN DAVIS

Wait, that's the tone we're starting off with? I know our show seems a bit outdated in 2022, but now is our chance to show everyone that we're still da bomb, homeskillet!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Welp, that's not happening. What you're about to witness is one of the most bizarre, cringeworthy attempts at fitting in with the times. So much, that I wondered if we hired writers with no professional experience.

CYNTHIA NIXON

Hey, unless you're a fan of awkward shit shows. If so, this is the place for you!

INT. CRINGE STUDIOS

SARAH ascends her STAIRCASE CHAIR LIFT and sits with BOBBY LEE and SARA RAMIREZ. She tries to get used to this newfangled “Podcast” thing the kids are doing these days.

SARA RAMIREZ

Hello world! Welcome to -and there's really no other way to say this- the Obnoxiously Woke Podcast! Where we basically spew out the most stereotypical woke buzzwords you've heard on twitter in the last few years.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I used to write a column in a newspaper which paid me enough to afford a brownstone apartment in Manhattan. I now realize that Millennials and Gen Z have never uttered a single sentence like that in their entire lives.

BOBBY LEE

So tell us, what ever happened to the most interesting person in your friend group?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Oh, you mean Kim Catrall? Her and I have been spitting in each other's morning lattes for years now. But if you're wondering what happens in the show, she left our friend group for London after we had a minor professional disagreement.

SARA RAMIREZ

That doesn't sound like her character at all, but whatevs! So, Sarah, tell us a nasty sex story!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Oh no, I'm much too shy!

SARA RAMIREZ

You just said you wrote a sex column.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Yeah, but have you seen the old episodes? Besides Kim, we were all kind of prude.

INT. MILLION DOLLAR PENTHOUSE

SARA makes SARAH promise to "step her pussy up" or SOMETHING ELSE AWKWARD. SARAH then goes home to CHRIS NOTH on the floor, dying. NO SERIOUSLY.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Oh no! His bad heart finally caught up with him!

CHRIS NOTH

Actually, I was reliving that scene earlier where, for whatever reason, you asked if I could masturbate in front of you? I think I’m dying of embarrassment.

(fucking croaks)

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Nooooo!!!! After all the drawn out bullshit between us, our relationship finally ends! I will sit here cradling him in melodramatic state of “woe is me” and not call 911 or anything.

They all go to CHRIS' funeral, and they find out he left some money to his first wife NATASHA! Scandal!

KRISTIN DAVIS

OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES ABOUT RE-HASHED STORIES FROM THE OLD SHOW. On to more current issues! I have learned that one of my kids, Alexa, is now identifying as non-binary and will now be going by the name “Rock.”

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Okay, our show was always supportive of the LGBT community. Maybe we’ll get a nuanced take on this-

MARIO CANTONE

(always screaming)

THEY SURE THEY WANNA DO THAT? ROCKS ARE GETTIN' SLAPPED NOWADAYS. LET’S HAVE ONE EPISODE DISCUSSING THE NON-BINARY THING THEN DROP IT LIKE A HOT ROCK. HAHA, GET IT? PLUS, YOUR KID TURNS OUT TO BE A SPOILED, UNLIKABLE BRAT ANYWAY. SO, WAY TO GO MOM!

KRISTIN DAVIS

Okay... what about our daughter Cathy? She walked in on me performing fellatio to Evan. I want to be a cool mom, therefore, I’ve got to talk to her about how much I love going down on my husband!

EVAN HANDLER

What in the…? No you don’t! If you want to be open about sex, there are ways to do that. No 15-year-old wants to hear how much their mom loves sucking dick! Ground control to the writers! Can this get any worse?

CYNTHIA NIXON

Oh sweetheart, we haven’t even gotten to my story yet.

INT. THE CYNTHIA NIXON SHOW

CYNTHIA and that WIG decide to take a WHITE SAVIOR CLASS where she meets her teacher, KAREN PITTMAN. She then demonstrates how to be the most awkward person in ANY CLASS EVER.

CYNTHIA NIXON

Hi y’all! I’m a middle age white woman but I’m here to let you know I’m not ignorant and I’m definitely not going to make every scene about me. I like your braids… but don’t worry I won’t ask to touch them! Also, I would never call the police on you for having a barbecue in the park! Also, can you believe all those people who think the word “chile” is pronounced “chilly?” All that being said, do you want to be friends?

KAREN PITTMAN

(stares, wide eyed)

No. Even after the obvious stroke you had in this scene, our dialogue throughout the rest of the series feels forced and unnatural, and it’s certainly not convincing anyone that we’d be friends in real life. Now hurry along, you’ve got some other weird shit to get to.

Indeed.

EXT. NEW YORK

CYNTHIA’S husband, DAVID EIGENBERG strolls up wearing hearing aids, and somehow that means he also needs a WALKER and DENTURES.

DAVID EIGENBERG

I’m confused and can’t remember where I am! All of this used to be orange groves, and everything cost a nickel! Christ, what happened to me? Is 55 the new 99? I deserve better than this.

NIALL CUNNINGHAM

Hey mom, it’s me! Your adorable red-headed son the audience watched grow up. Do we get a look at my story in any way?

CYNTHIA NIXON

Oh, no, absolutely not. But we do get to hear you have loud, shameless sex while you’re still a minor. We also spend way too much time with your rude, obnoxious girlfriend.

DAVID EIGENBURG

I don’t get it. Every teenager is grossed out by the thought of their parents hearing them have sex. If our son turned out this awful, I have to assume it's our fault somehow.

CYNTHIA NIXON

In other news, I’m an unhappy alcoholic! I started drinking during the pandemic, you know, like a lot of people did, and it turned into a problem.

SARA RAMIREZ

That could be a potentially interesting plot line but fuck that crap. Let’s do tequilla shots at noon and have your first non-heterosexual encounter!

CYNTHIA NIXON

Okay! Also, let’s do it in Sarah’s kitchen while I’m supposed to be taking care of her while she’s recovering from hip surgery and can’t walk!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Huh?

THIS HAPPENS. SARAH cannot walk to the bathroom and ends up peeing into a Snapple bottle because CYNTHIA could not hear her calls for help. Mostly because CYNTHIA was BRAYING LIKE A MULE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

What. The everloving fuck. Was that?

CYNTHIA NIXON

I’m invigorated, that’s what! I’m in love with Sara! I knew it ever since I went to the comedy concert.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

The what?

CYNTHIA NIXON

The comedy concert! Sara is a stand up comedian.

SARAH JEESICA PARKER

“Comedian” is a bit of a stretch. In fact, Sara is the most unfunny character in the series. Second, do mean a comedy show?

CYNTHIA NIXON

Yes, the comedy concert!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

STOP SAYING THAT!

CYNTHIA NIXON

I’m going to continue this affair with Sara for weeks even though I’m still married to David, but it’s okay because his geezer-ness drove me to unhappiness!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

WAIT, please. One pile of bullshit at a time. The entire first movie was about your stubborn refusal to forgive David for his affair, and now this? And for the love of God, why are you smiling?

CYNTHIA NIXON

I dunno, I’m drunk and elated!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT, and you’re grinning like an idiot? You don’t feel remorse for being a bad friend? Or even some embarrassment?

CYNTHIA NIXON

(grinning)

Apparently not.

(hearts in eyes)

EXT. SARAH’S STUPID APARTMENT THAT SHE STILL KEPT EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A PENTHOUSE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Alright, I'm going to regret this, becuase I don't know how much more of this I can take. But is there anything interesting we’d like to talk about? Any reason for this rebooquel to exist at all?

CYNTHIA NIXON

I’m running off to LA to support Sara while they shoot what is likely a shitty pilot for Hollywood. I’m ditching my family and all the work I did trying to attain my new career, including that internship I got only after Karen pulled a billion strings. I’m living in a rom-com!

(floating mid air)

(farting hearts like a cartoon character)

KRISTIN DAVIS

I’m actually in awe as we watch, in real time, your character be brutally butchered.

NICOLE ARI PARKER

We could try to shoehorn in more POC characters. Oh, you don’t remember our stories? Probably because they were extremely generic and mentioned only sporadically throughout the series.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Is this what our middle-aged, out of touch writers think inclusion is?

SARITA CHOUDHURY

As another shoehorned character with flat dialogue, here’s what I don’t get. The old show had a pretty simple formula. The girls go to lunch, talk about a particular topic that day, and the rest of the episode expands on that topic. And here we are missing one of the main cast members, providing a great opportunity to bring in other characters to jump in and join the conversation. But instead, all we got was this disarrayed mess full of boring storylines that went nowhere.

KRISTEN DAVIS

Don’t forget the relentless crying about being old, like we’re the Golden Girls or something!

EVAN HANDLER

Hey, that’s unfair. The Golden Girls had way more vigor than this. In fact, let's all watch that! You know, to cheer up.

DAVID EIGENBERG

And you know what’s worse? All our self hatred for not being young and hot validates all the criticism your boyfriends always had about this show, that we’re shallow assholes!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

(holding head in hands)

I’m starting to think this is a massive troll by the showrunners. There's no way it could be this bad. All we wanted to do was make a modern day Sex and the City.

MARIO CANTONE

If you want that, just watch Insecure. Or Euphoria. Our show should have stayed in the late '90s/early '00s where it belongs.

KIM CATRALL

(feet up, Cosmo in hand)

And just like that... I prove I am the only smart one in this entire thing.

END.