FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT

NICOLE KIDMAN takes off her dress. The audience gets to see her bare backside from a distance.

AUDIENCE

Ooooh, I can't wait to see you and Tom Cruise naked.

TOM CRUISE AND NICOLE KIDMAN

We promise, you will get to see plenty of us in the nude. Yep, you sure will. Mmm-hmmm.

STANLEY KUBRICK

It's funny that people will spend years obsessing over a rumor that says they get to watch two attractive stars have sex. I repeat..."a rumor."

AUDIENCE

Eh?

STANLEY

Anyway, on with the plot! Ha ha ha.

INT. REALLY NICE NYC APARTMENT.

Tom and Nicole enter together. It is obvious that they are at a really big party. It's a formal get-together with a Christmas theme. They talk about several things that have nothing to do with the "plot."

NICOLE

Isn't it funny how we know absolutely no one at these parties?

TOM

Yes, it is hilarious. Remember the Christmas party last year?

NICOLE

Yes, ha ha ha!

AUDIENCE

When are you two gonna do the nasty?

TOM AND NICOLE

Ha ha ha!

NICOLE meets an attractive older man and dances with him. The audience expects them to go somewhere and have sex. They don't. Meanwhile, Tom is being hit on by two extremely attractive women who want desperately to engage in a threesome. Tom is suddenly taken away and there is no action.

INT. TOM AND NICOLE'S APARTMENT

For ten seconds, Nicole's upper half is naked and Tom kisses and rubs her. "Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing" blares in the background. This is as sexual as the two get with each other, little does the audience know.

AUDIENCE

I can't wait to watch you two REALLY get into it.

TOM AND NICOLE

Ha ha ha.

After they have supposedly done the bad deed, we are introduced to their annoying little daughter who has nothing to with the movie.

ANNOYING CHILD ACTRESS

Hi!

TOM and NICOLE sit in their bedroom. Both are clothed. Tom starts rubbing Nicole's breasts, but stops for no reason. NICOLE lights up a joint, the two get high, and Nicole confesses that she once wanted to have sex with another man while she was married to Tom.

TOM

I am depressed. I will go for a walk.

EXT. NYC STREETS LATE, LATE AT NIGHT

TOM walks around.

VINESSA SHAW

Hi, I am a prostitute. Would you like to come over to my house?

TOM

Sure.

AUDIENCE

Oh boy, now we're gonna get to watch people do it.

INT. VINESSA'S APARTMENT

VINESSA

Hi.

TOM

Hi.

VINESSA

See you later.

TOM

Bye.

AUDIENCE

What?? They didn't do a damned thing.

EXT. NYC BAR

TOM walks into the bar and sits down with A FRIEND.

FRIEND

I play the piano blindfolded at a club where everyone is having sex.

TOM

I want to come see this, as long as I can stay fully clothed.

FRIEND

Fine, but you have to come in a satanic-looking outfit complete with mask and hooded cloak.

TOM

No problem, I will go to a costume shop.

FRIEND

At three in the morning?

TOM

Sure.

EXT. "RAINBOW COSTUME SHOP" IN NYC

TOM

I have a lot of money because I am a doctor. Please open up your store.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

I am foreign. On that note, please find a costume that fits your needs. Oh yes, and I also pimp my 14 year old daughter if you would like to have sex with her.

LEELEE SOBIESKI

I spent two months working on this film for a one minute scene. Bye!

AUDIENCE

Yawn, where's the sex?

TOM

I'll take this satanic looking outfit.

RADE

It's a deal. Come back soon!

EXT. BIG SCARY MANSION

TOM

Hi. I'm here for the...uh...sex.

AUDIENCE

So are we.

SPOOKY GATEKEEPERS

Goooo through the gaaaaates.

INT. MANSION

TOM walks into a ceremony in which an enormous number of people are all wearing satanic-looking masks and hooded cloaks. While the satanic music is playing with the satanic chanting, the satanic beings take off their satanic clothing and have demonic sex with each other. Unfortunately, many objects block the nasty action, so very little is actually seen.

AUDIENCE

Sex...cool. Hey, what's with everything being covered up? They did that in Austin Powers.

HIGH PRIEST OF SATANIC SEXUAL SLUMBER PARTY

Tom, you do not belong here. Leave, or we will kill you.

TOM

Whatever.

INT. TOM AND NICOLE'S APARTMENT

NICOLE is wearing a sign that says "I'm in the movie, too."

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SPOOKY SATANIC MANSION

TOM

This is really weird. I must leave before I have sex and allow the audience to see me naked.

HIGH PRIEST

But, I thought the movie centered on you being naked.

AUDIENCE

So did we.

TOM

Ha ha ha.

INT. TOM AND NICOLE'S APARTMENT

TOM

Hi honey. Look, I was briefly tempted to cheat on you, but it passed.

NICOLE

It's all right. Let's have sex.

STANLEY

Wait! Let me end the movie before that happens.

AUDIENCE

We paid roughly $10 to see hot nasty action, so where is it? Nicole was naked briefly, and Tom didn't show anything. We've been waiting for three years to watch them do it. Hello??? What the hell was all the hype about? This movie was...uneventful to say the least.

NICOLE AND TOM

Ha ha ha! You just don't understand Kubrick. The moral of the story: Don't go to a movie just to see sex.

END