The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. AMBULANCE
Cue: Loud rock song
NICOLAS CAGE
ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!
JOHN GOODMAN
Gosh, you are fucked up. I'll just add this film to my resume and leave now.
GHOST OF KID
Why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?
EXT. RAINSLICKED STREETS OF NEW YORK
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
I am so bummed about my dad having a heart attack. I'm so bummed, in fact, that I will speak at just barely over a whisper constantly. Even my screaming will sound subdued next to Nicolas Cage's THX-amplified voiceovers.
NICOLAS CAGE
Fuzza wuzza buzzle bloog?
GHOST OF KID
Why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?
EXT. ANOTHER RAINSLICKED STREET OF NEW YORK
WEIRD PERSON
I AM SO WEIRD!!! I AM JUST SO INCREDIBLY WEIRD!!!!
NICOLAS CAGE
I should take you to a hospital or something.
INT. HOSPITAL
NICOLAS CAGE
Fire me, boss.
NICOLAS CAGE'S BOSS
No, I can't fire you, even though you are being way too much of a psycho nutball to be allowed to work at any job for anybody anywhere.
NICOLAS CAGE
Oh well.
GHOST OF KID
Why, oh why, did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?
INT. AMBULANCE
Cue: Loud rock song chosen at random from Martin Scorsese's CD collection
NICOLAS CAGE
ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!
VING RHAMES
My word, are you fucked up. Don't I look damned weird with hair?
GHOST OF KID
No really, why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?
EXT. YET ANOTHER SOUL-DEADENING RAINSLICKED STREET OF NEW YORK CITY
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
I can't believe you work on such MEAN STREETS. It sure puts an end to my AGE OF INNOCENCE. It makes me want to go to a CASINO by catching a TAXI with Minnie DRIVER.
NICOLAS CAGE
Fooble Booble.
WEIRD PERSON
LOOK! I'M OUT OF HOSPITAL AND I'M STILL SO WEIRD!!! NOW WE HAVE TO DO MY WHOLE SCENE AGAIN!!!!
GHOST OF KID
Okay, I'm not just whistling Dixie here, I'm just curious to know why you allowed my death, Nicolas Cage?
INT. AMBULANCE
Cue: Loud rock song because, hey, that's what Quentin Tarantino does and it seems to work for him
NICOLAS CAGE
ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!
TOM SIZEMORE
Hot damn, are you fucked up. Remember me from Natural Born Killers? You sure will after this movie!
INT. PATRICIA ARQUETTE'S APARTMENT
GHOST OF KID
So are you gonna tell me why you let me die, or what, Nicolas Cage?
NICOLAS CAGE
It was an accident.
GHOST OF KID
Oh, okay.
(vanishes)
Bye.
MARTIN SCORSESE
I think the audience should be asleep by now, so here goes:
(hypnotic voice)
Youuu lovvvve this moooovie. It iiisn't juuuust a reeeeehash of lesssssser elements of preeeeevious movies. Youuuu loooooovvvvvvve myyyyyy moooooooovieeeeeeee....
END