FADE IN:

INT. AMBULANCE

Cue: Loud rock song

NICOLAS CAGE

ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!

JOHN GOODMAN

Gosh, you are fucked up. I'll just add this film to my resume and leave now.

GHOST OF KID

Why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?

EXT. RAINSLICKED STREETS OF NEW YORK

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

I am so bummed about my dad having a heart attack. I'm so bummed, in fact, that I will speak at just barely over a whisper constantly. Even my screaming will sound subdued next to Nicolas Cage's THX-amplified voiceovers.

NICOLAS CAGE

Fuzza wuzza buzzle bloog?

GHOST OF KID

Why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?

EXT. ANOTHER RAINSLICKED STREET OF NEW YORK

WEIRD PERSON

I AM SO WEIRD!!! I AM JUST SO INCREDIBLY WEIRD!!!!

NICOLAS CAGE

I should take you to a hospital or something.

INT. HOSPITAL

NICOLAS CAGE

Fire me, boss.

NICOLAS CAGE'S BOSS

No, I can't fire you, even though you are being way too much of a psycho nutball to be allowed to work at any job for anybody anywhere.

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh well.

GHOST OF KID

Why, oh why, did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?

INT. AMBULANCE

Cue: Loud rock song chosen at random from Martin Scorsese's CD collection

NICOLAS CAGE

ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!

VING RHAMES

My word, are you fucked up. Don't I look damned weird with hair?

GHOST OF KID

No really, why did you let me die, Nicolas Cage?

EXT. YET ANOTHER SOUL-DEADENING RAINSLICKED STREET OF NEW YORK CITY

PATRICIA ARQUETTE

I can't believe you work on such MEAN STREETS. It sure puts an end to my AGE OF INNOCENCE. It makes me want to go to a CASINO by catching a TAXI with Minnie DRIVER.

NICOLAS CAGE

Fooble Booble.

WEIRD PERSON

LOOK! I'M OUT OF HOSPITAL AND I'M STILL SO WEIRD!!! NOW WE HAVE TO DO MY WHOLE SCENE AGAIN!!!!

GHOST OF KID

Okay, I'm not just whistling Dixie here, I'm just curious to know why you allowed my death, Nicolas Cage?

INT. AMBULANCE

Cue: Loud rock song because, hey, that's what Quentin Tarantino does and it seems to work for him

NICOLAS CAGE

ARRRRGH! I AM SO FUCKED UP!! I AM SO DEPRESSED THAT I LET A KID DIE ONCE!!!!! BLARGHHH!!!

TOM SIZEMORE

Hot damn, are you fucked up. Remember me from Natural Born Killers? You sure will after this movie!

INT. PATRICIA ARQUETTE'S APARTMENT

GHOST OF KID

So are you gonna tell me why you let me die, or what, Nicolas Cage?

NICOLAS CAGE

It was an accident.

GHOST OF KID

Oh, okay.

(vanishes)

Bye.

MARTIN SCORSESE

I think the audience should be asleep by now, so here goes:

(hypnotic voice)

Youuu lovvvve this moooovie. It iiisn't juuuust a reeeeehash of lesssssser elements of preeeeevious movies. Youuuu loooooovvvvvvve myyyyyy moooooooovieeeeeeee....

END