FADE IN:

EXT. JUNKYARD

AL BERRY is chased by eerily silent GOONS! Strangely, they're wearing business suits without creepy William Shatner masks!

AUDIENCE

Are you sure we came into the right theatre?

AL manages to kill one of the goons through sheer luck, then flees!

EXT. GAS STATION

ESSEX SMITH is watching the Plot Point Network on his television.

PPN ANCHOR

One of the rocks of stonehenge was stolen nine months ago! It's kind of weird that we're mentioning it now, since there has been no new information in the case, almost as if we needed to remind people about the theft for some reason!

Suddenly AL stumbles in and collapses on the floor, barely conscious!

ESSEX SMITH

I'd better call an ambulance!

Then, remembering that he's black, ESSEX pauses to consider the high likelihood that the cops will frame him for AL's death.

Eventually he calls an ambulance.

INT. NANCY LOOMIS' HOUSE

TOM ATKINS enters, bringing Halloween masks for his kids, MICHELLE WALKER and JOSHUA MILLER!

TOM ATKINS

Check it out! Cheap plastic masks!

MICHELLE WALKER

Pfft. Are we supposed to be impressed? We've got London Bridge masks this year.

JOSHUA MILLER

Although I don't get why everyone in the movie acts like they're so great. Three types of rubber masks? Why on earth would millions of kids want these?

TOM ATKINS

You should feel lucky - Halloween masks in nineteen eighty-two were rigid pieces of thin molded plastic with razor-sharp edges. Kids at the time would have given their right arms for masks that awesome. Heck, they're better than the masks used in most early 80s horror movies.

TOM's ex-wife, NANCY LOOMIS(?!?) enters.

NANCY LOOMIS

That's right! I'm-a be in ALL these movies, bitches! Also, you know, blah blah, shrewish ex-wife cliches, blah.

TOM ATKINS

I know I said I'd look after the kids this weekend, but my beeper's going off, and I'm incapable of hiding my obvious glee at having an excuse to shirk my responsibilities and make your life more difficult!

NANCY LOOMIS

Yet I'm the one who'll be remembered as a cruel harridan!

INT. HOSPITAL

AL is lying in bed. His doctor TOM attends to him.

AL BERRY

I need to warn people! They're going to kill everyone!

TOM ATKINS

Yeah, that sounds great, but I've got to pick up my kids from the ex-wife's house, and I don't want to do that, so instead of listening to you, I'm going to head back to my office and see if I can find an excuse at the bottom of three glasses of scotch.

AL BERRY

But... mass murder!

TOM ATKINS

I heard you, okay? Look, if you want to help, start pitching ideas so I can get out of taking my kids Trick or Treating!

AL tries to show him a PUMPKIN MASK, but TOM's already out the door, opening up room for DICK to slide in!

DICK WARLOCK

I'm also back, bitches! And this time you get to see my face, so you know some real stuff is about to go down!

AL BERRY

Oh, no! Dick Warlock! Are you going to stab me to death?

DICK WARLOCK

No, I'm playing a different character this time, so you don't have to worry about anything like that.

DICK crushes AL's face with his hands!

DICK WARLOCK

Please note that I took the time to put leather gloves on my hands before doing this. That's going to be important later. Actually...

He cleans off his gloves, and is spotted by a nurse, but doesn't seem to mind!

DICK WARLOCK

Okay, that was solid, but we can't risk alienating the audience, so we'd better put in some classic Halloween stuff. So, just killed a guy in a hospital... What would Michael Myers do now?

DICK heads out into the parking lot and sets himself on fire!

DICK WARLOCK

Fun fact: This scene is so reminiscent of the end of Halloween II that Roger Ebert thought that this film was a direct sequel to that one! He didn't care for, or pay attention to, slasher films.

The car EXPLODES, removing DICK from the franchise, once and for all!

TOM ATKINS

Well, I'm A dick, does that count?

INT. MORGUE

TOM chats with corner WENDY WESSBERG.

TOM ATKINS

So, any news on what Dick was up to before he exploded all over the place?

WENDY WESSBERG

He's not even in the movie any more and you're still making jokes?

TOM ATKINS

Do you have the autopsy results or not?

WENDY WESSBERG

Somehow not - he's been dead for five days, but apparently no one has bothered sending the corpse to the morgue.

TOM ATKINS

Then where is it?

WENDY WESSBERG

Still mouldering in the hospital parking lot, maybe? We obviously don't have good cops in this town.

INT. BAR

TOM watches an ad for the TV Version of HALLOWEEN on the television.

TOM ATKINS

Did we just invent meta-horror?

STACEY NELKIN enters.

STACEY NELKIN

I want you to help investigate my father Al Berry's murder.

TOM ATKINS

And who better to come to than me, a doctor with no useful information!

STACEY NELKIN

Anyway, he disappeared after driving up to the coast to get masks from the London Bridge factory, and I was hoping you'd come with me to investigate his murder!

TOM ATKINS

Don't you think the police would be interested in all this information?

STACEY NELKIN

Well, if you think they'll listen we can-

TOM ATKINS

Just kidding! Actually I'm incredibly happy you came to me with this, because I was having real trouble coming up with an excuse for neglecting my parental duties.

EXT. SMALL TOWN

TOM and STACEY arrive at the local motel where they meet a family visiting the London Bridge Mask Company!

RALPH STRAIT

I'm an obnoxious, overbearing, glad-handing Ned Beatty type!

JADEEN BARBOR

I'm his nonentity wife!

BRAD SCHACTER

I'm his annoying son!

TOM ATKINS

I'm going to be so happy when you three get murdered.

DIRECTOR TOMMY LEE WALLACE

I get why you think that, but no, you won't.

Then GARN STEPHENS drives up, almost hits TOM with her car, swears at him, and storms off.

TOM ATKINS

What about her?

DIRECTOR TOMMY LEE WALLACE

Most audiences applaud when she gets it.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

STACEY and TOM settle in for the night.

TOM ATKINS

So, want to fuck?

STACY NELKIN

Are you serious? We only met four hours ago, we're here investigating my father's murder, and you're a quarter of a century older than I am.

TOM ATKINS

All strong points. Here's my counter-argument: this is an '80s horror movie, and you're literally the only young woman in it. If we don't see at least a hint of your breasts, the audience will literally burn the theater down.

The AUDIENCE begins lighting torches and molotov cocktails.

STACY NELKIN

You make an excellent case.

They FUCK. TWICE.

EXT. SMALL TOWN

The LOUDSPEAKERS around town all flip on.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

This is your curfew warning- wait, I thought I quit this franchise? But if I'm in this one as well...

(checks IMDB)

Am I in more than half of the Halloween movies? Dear god, what did I do to my career?

Despite prominently featured curfew, TOM is able to head down the street and buy booze from an all-night store. That's right, even while in a spooky town investigating a murder, he needs a good fifth of bourbon every night. A LOCAL DRUNK sniffs it out and shuffles into frame.

DRUNK

How about a sip of booze in exchange for an exposition dump?

TOM ATKINS

Deal!

DRUNK

The London Bridge Factory is evil! The owner Daniel O'Herlihy keeps cameras on everyone all the time, watches and listens to everything we do, and won't hire local people, killing the town! Economically, that is.

TOM ATKINS

That was a suspiciously large amount of information.

DRUNK

Before alcoholism cost me my job I was an anchor at PPN.

DRUNK wanders off, and immediately has his head TORN OFF by GOONS!

INT. MOTEL ROOM

TOM makes a phone call from the office.

TOM ATKINS

Hey, Wendy, any updates about you examining Dick?

WENDY WESSBERG

All they sent over was a bunch of plastic. It seems the fire department can't tell the difference between a human corpse and random car parts! Why are you so curious about this?

TOM ATKINS

Well, I'm investigating in this creepy small town that's basically an Orwellian nightmare, and think Al probably found something out here that got him killed!

WENDY WESSBERG

Wait, you're calling me from a creepy surveillance state?

TOM ATKINS

Yeah, why?

WENDY WESSBERG

Aren't you worried that someone might be listening in on the call, and you've just revealed that you're not really innocent mask buyers, but actually amateur detectives who could be killed without anyone but me knowing what happened to you? Putting all of our lives in danger?

TOM ATKINS

Here's the thing about that - there's a naked twenty-three year-old waiting for me back in the hotel room, which makes it hard to think of anything else.

In ANOTHER ROOM, GARN notices some strange circuitry in part of the London Bridge mask. Naturally she starts poking it with a needle.

A LASER shoots out of it, BURNING A HOLE IN HER FACE! Then SNAKES and INSECTS come SWARMING out of the wound!

A bunch of SCIENTISTS led by DAN O'HERLIHY show up to spirit the body away!

DAN O'HERLIHY

Don't worry, folks, nothing to see here!

(to motel owner)

What happened?

MOTEL OWNER

I'm sure it was just a glitch.

DAN O'HERLIHY

You call this a GLITCH?!

TOM and STACEY look at him.

DAN O'HERLIHY

I see you're confused. Trust me, it will make sense in five years or so.

INT. LONDON BRIDGE FACTORY

TOM and STACEY go on a tour of the factory. At the end of it, she spots AL's missing car!

TOM ATKINS

Great, we've got the proof we need! Now if we can just get out of here and contact the authorities without drawing any attention to-

STACY NELKIN

Murderers! You're all murderers! It's a conspiracy and the whole town is in on it! And we'll bring you all to justice! Me, and Tom, and the friend he keeps calling on a tapped phone line! And there's no way you can stop us!

TOM ATKINS

You know what? This might be a good time to split up.

Tom leads some GOONS on a merry chase, ending up back in the FACTORY! There, he punches one to death, only to find out that the Goon was actually a ROBOT filled with GOO where its internal organs should be!

TOM ATKINS

Wait, does that mean that all of the people who work in the factory are robots? Or just the goons who don't talk?

DAN O'HERLIHY

I'll never tell! Seriously, I won't, which raises just so many questions. Speaking of, check out this rock from Stonehenge we have in the basement!

TOM ATKINS

You're the one who stole the Stonehenge rock?

DAN O'HERLIHY

You heard about that?

TOM ATKINS

Sure, PPN does like fifteen minutes on it every day.

DAN O'HERLIHY

You'd never believe how we managed to get it here!

They stare at each other for a moment.

TOM ATKINS

Well?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Oh, did I say 'never beleive'? I meant 'never find out'. Which serves the dual purpose of heightening mystery and saving the writer/director a TON of work.

DIRECTOR TOMMY LEE WALLACE

Thanks, Dan!

TOM ATKINS

So, since we're doing the Bond Villain Lair Tour thing, care to explain your plan?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Sure - the stonehenge rocks are made of magic, so if I shave off tiny flecks of them and wire those into the masks, I can make lasers that melt children's heads and summon poisonous snakes and insects to kill anyone around them. It's triggered by watching a series of flashing lights in one of my commercials! Want to see?

TOM ATKINS

Not at all.

DAN O'HERLIHY

You're no fun! Luckily I can just use these thin straps to attach you to a flimsy chair and force you to watch a screen where it's happening right now!

TOM sees Brad Schacter's head get MELTED, after which his SCREAMING and CRYING parents are killed by poisonous insects and snakes!

TOM ATKINS

Wow. That was a bummer.

DIRECTOR TOMMY LEE WALLACE

Told you.

TOM ATKINS

But why, Dan? Why kill a million children?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Well, I was chatting with my main goon Dick Warlock, and he told me that last year he tried to kill a bunch of kids because Druids, so I thought sure, let's do that.

TOM ATKINS

Are you sure you're not a witch? Because, you know... the title?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Yes. Druids. Just druids. I did it because druids. Now, if you'll excuse me, since there's only six more hours left until my plan is complete, I'll just leave you alone in this unlocked room with a mask, secure in the knowledge that a set of worn straps attached to a rickety chair will keep you from interfering.

TOM ATKINS

That's it? You're not going to have your goons pull my head off?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Nope.

TOM ATKINS

Or leave two of them in the room, or maybe right outside the door?

DAN O'HERLIHY

Uh-uh.

TOM ATKINS

You might be taking this Bond Villain LARPing a little too seriously, guy.

INT. MORGUE

It's HALLOWNEEN (finally), which is on a SUNDAY, but WENDY is still hard at work looking through car wreckage for some reason.

WENDY WESSBERG

A spring? But that must mean-

Just then a GOON attacks her with a cordless drill!

WENDY WESSBERG

No! I've got to tell the Sheriff what I discovered!

GOON

Just out of curiosity, what did you discover?

WENDY WESSBERG

Like, a bunch of springs and switches and washers. Literally nothing in the least bit incriminating. If I've somehow become convinced that the murderer was a robot, I don't know how telling the Sheriff that will accomplish anything, since I have no proof to back up my conclusion, and no reason to think it has anything to do with the masks or London Bridge Incorporated.

GOON

Huh. Maybe I don't actually need to kill you after all. But hey, since I'm here...

He drills an extra HOLE IN HER HEAD.

INT. LONDON BRIDGE FACTORY

TOM's nose gets itchy, but because he's tied up, he can't scratch it. Eventually he SNEEZES, causing the chair to fall apart.

TOM ATKINS

Well, that was easy. Now, to call the police!

(gets to phone)

Actually, maybe I'll call Nancy first, and incoherently ramble about getting the masks away from my children.

NANCY LOOMIS

Stop drunk-dialing us, loser.

TOM ATKINS

I don't know why I expected that to go better.

TOM finds the room STACEY is tied up in, and rescues her.

STACEY NELKIN

(is suspiciously silent)

Then they run into the main room, throw a bunch of mask parts into the air, and turn on the light pattern that makes them fire lasers!

DAN O'HERLIHY

No! The lasers have killed literally every single one of my goons and scientists, destroyed all of my equipment, and left you unharmed! If only instead of using robots I'd found a way to combine the intractability and strength of a machine with the spirit and wits of a man! Of course, developments like that could take as many as five yea-

STONEHENGE ROCK

That's enough out of you, Dan!

STONEHENGE ROCK fires a blue laser that disintegrates Dan! Or possibly teleports him into another dimension! It's unclear!

AUDIENCE

Okay, now we're sure we're in the wrong theatre.

TOM ATKINS

Wow! I can't believe it was that easy to win! Let's get out of here, Stacey!

STACEY NELKIN

(is still eerily silent)

EXT. HIGHWAY

They drive down the highway, looking for a phone!

TOM ATKINS

Wait, why didn't we just call from the factory or town? The phones worked fine there, and we just killed all the bad guys, so we were totally safe!

STACEY NELKIN

(looks at Tom, puzzled)

TOM ATKINS

You've been strangely quiet, Stacey, what's going on with you?

STACEY attacks him, causing a car accident! Then TOM punches her head off, revealing that she was a ROBOT!

TOM ATKINS

Wait, Dan made a robot double of you just to trick me if I managed to escape?

STACEY NELKIN

(spouts oil from neck stump)

TOM ATKINS

But if that's the case, why did you help me destroy his whole factory, when you could have stopped me at any moment?

STACEY NELKIN

(stops spouting oil)

TOM ATKINS

Well, this is getting me nowhere.

EXT. GAS STATION

TOM runs in, just as haggard as AL was in that opening scene! It's symmetry!

TOM ATKINS

I need to use your phone!

ESSEX SMITH

What seems to be the problem?

TOM ATKINS

The three major networks are going to simultaneously air a commercial in ten minutes which, if watched by kids wearing London Bridge Masks, will kill them and anyone nearby! So I have to call the president of television and get him to - on the word of a single small-town doctor - shut off all three networks during prime time, costing them millions of dollars in ad revenue!

ESSEX SMITH

Okay. Well... Good luck with that.

TOM's plan goes exactly as well as you'd expect, and MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIE.

THE END