"Well, I don't usually team up with anime characters, but... okay."

3 DAYS TO KILL

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

Two OLD CIA DUDES brief AMBER HEARD.

OLD CIA DUDE

Our top secret mission is to help Kevin Costner get a slice of that sweet old-guy-action-movie pie. And since Jack Ryan totally shat the bed, we brought you in.

AMBER HEARD

Can I assume my mission objective is to be the semi-rogue sexily-unhinged pixie-agent that guides Kevin's creaky frame through this pantomime?

OTHER OLD CIA DUDE

Correct.

AMBER HEARD

Well, so much for behaving like any kind of real-life person.

(rips off clothes, revealing latex jumpsuit)

INT. A HOTEL SOMEWHERE

SPY STUFF is going down! Grizzled, veteran CIA field agent KEVIN COSTNER kills a roomful of bad guys using only his STAR BILLING and eschewing more traditional tools such as ACTION or SUSPENSE or DOING SHIT.

MAI ANH LE

Nice work, Kevin. You going to stick around and help me finish this job?

KEVIN COSTNER

I can't, because my phone just reminded me it's my daughter's birthday, but only for the next ten minutes! I have to call her RIGHT NOW!

(rushes out)

MAI chooses NOT to bail on her colleagues mid-mission, and instead follows an EVIL ALBINO GUY.

ALBINO

Hey waaiiiiiit a minute... that seemingly random maid with three-inch stilettos, and the face of a model/actress, who's nervously stealing glances at me... I think she just might be a spy.

MAI ANH LE

Damn, my cover's blown! Well I have a gun and spy training, I won't go down without a fight.

(checks script)

Or apparently I will. What the fuck?

(dies)

A huge SHOOTOUT starts between CIA AGENTS and BAD GUYS which KEVIN kind of wanders through, deflecting bullets with his advanced LINGERING GOODWILL FROM BULL DURHAM training. He tries catching the ALBINO by jogging leisurely after him but then COUGHS and COLLAPSES.

KEVIN COSTNER

(spitting blood)

Oh man you got lucky, I was JUST about to bust out some Muy Thai on your ass. Then follow it up with some sick jujitsu moves and then bench-press 400 pounds just because.

ALBINO

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I think I'll let you live because if I kill you, they might send someone more formidable after me, like maybe a Jell-O mold left out in the sun for 20 years.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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