FADE IN:

INT. HEAD OFFICE OF DOUCHEBRO GUYNANCIAL INCOCKPERATED

RACHEL MCADAMS is a total pariah at work even though she is RACHEL MCADAMS.

RACHEL MCADAMS

(cringely)

No but look at my ill-fitting clothes, unkempt hair, and total lack of social graces!

(empties vat of tuna salad over her head)

It's all good though, the CEO who just died had promised me a big promotion. And I'm sure his shitstain douchey nepo-baby son who's taken over will honour his word...

(writes "VP Rachel" in big heart letters 500 times in diary)

(builds elaborate diorama out of tissue paper titled CAREER SUCCESS)

(blows enormous soap bubble with the words MY HOPES AND DREAMS on it)

Just then NEW CEO DYLAN O'BRIEN parades in, shoves the DIARY and DIORAMA and BUBBLE right up his ASS and then rips a GIANT SOAPTISSUEPULP FART right in RACHEL'S FACE.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Sorry, I'm giving the big promotion to my frat brother since we fratted together in our frat, and "fart" and "frat" are anagrams so there. However since you do all the essential work around here, you can come on our flight to Bangkok for an important workthing. Hee hee, bangcock.

RACHEL MCADAMS

(sighs)

Okay, fine, at least we've established where the audience sympathy lies, so let's get on with-

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(putting)

Huh? Oh no no I think some people might still be confused, I need to lay the groundwork some more. Speaking of, please send in those young women for the groundwork auditions?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Aren't you engaged? And why aren't you Adam Scott in Evil Mode, he'd communicate all your villainy in like 1.7 seconds and we could already be in Act Two.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Well I'm whatcha got, so let's make sure we cover EVERY POSSIBLE way I could be a self-entitled mysogynist asshole before we leave this office, so that the audience is BEYOND ready to see my comeuppance.

DENNIS HAYSBERT

Oh hey, I'm here too!

INT. SWANKY CORPORATE JET

As the team flies to Bangkok, RACHEL plugs away finishing up the Big Corporate Report Thing while DYLAN and the other ASSHOLE DOUCHEBROS plug away at being DOUCHEBRO ASSHOLES.

DOUCHEBRO #1

(smirkily)

Har har look, I found Rachel's "Survivor" audition tape online, I can't stop smirking!

(smirks)

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Ha ha ha look at her building things and making fire and knowing shit! How lame!

DOUCHEBRO #2

Hey Rachel are you hearing this, while you write the report all our jobs depend on?!? You suck!!! My goodness could we BE any more self-sabotagingly loathesome.

RACHEL MCADAMS

(under her breath)

Grr that does it! I'm going to delete this whole damned report, I don't care WHAT the consequences are--

(deletes)

Suddenly the JET hits TURBULENCE and starts SPARKING and FALLING APART and PLUMMETING!!

RACHEL MCADAMS

OH SHIT WELL GUESS I DON'T NEED TO SWEAT THE REPORT-DELETING CONSEQUENCES AT LEAST

The ENTIRE SIDE of the JET RIPS OFF, and the DOUCHEBROS are swiftly sucked out to die, never to be seen again-

DOUCHEBRO #1

OH NO we gotta die SAM RAIMI STYYYLEE!!!

(half of face torn off)

(jump-scares audience)

(dead)

DOUCHEBRO #2

Yeah whaddya think this is, some Tom Hanks Castaway shit?

(tie catches in jet engine, snapping neck and ripping all skin off)

(mugs to camera)

(dead)

PILOT AND FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Um we'll just die quietly offscreen thanks.

(dead)

EXT. BEACH - DESERTED ISLAND - SOME TIME LATER

RACHEL wakes up on the BEAUTIFUL SANDY BEACH! Walking along the shore, she finds some washed-up disgusting ocean scum garbage which turns out to be DYLAN O'BRIEN. She uses her SURVIVOR AUDITION SKILLS to build an exact replica of the set of SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS while waiting for him to wake up.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(regaining consciousness)

Whuh? Where's my oat latte? Rachel, get me a rescue plane STAT, and maybe gimme a smile while you're at it.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh nononononono, we're NOT in the office anymore, I'M in charge now. To let this sink in perhaps I'll let you fend for yourself a while.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Bah I don't need you, I can innovate just fine on my own! Let's see, I DEMAND that you build everything we need and gather food and transfer your entire score pile to my hand and pick up the dry cleaning and

(checks tableau)

Oh shit I have no majority icons and my top cards are all Age Negative Twelve, the Age of Fucking Uselessness. Well here goes anyway!

DYLAN proceeds to struggle mightily against the elements and Nature and after much effort manages to firmly wedge his HEAD up his ASS.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(contritely)

Mmph mrfff mlphhh

RACHEL MCADAMS

(wrenching Dylan's head free with a loud POP)

I trust we've learned our lesson? Now to further cement my newfound alpha status, I shall go hunt us a wild boar to eat for dinner.

WILD BOAR

Just make sure you kill me SAM RAIMI STYLEEE!!!!

(geysers of blood)

(coats entire island in globs of blood)

(dead)

RACHEL MCADAMS

(utterly soaked in five layers of blood)

At least it comes with its own sauce!

(wide grin)

EXT. THE ISLAND - THE NEXT DAY

RACHEL shows DYLAN around all the stuff she found while he was unconscious.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Here's the the waterfall where I make crazy sounds, and this is where that pristine-condition knife I found just kind of washed up on shore lol. Over that way is the storm-proof cave we can run to when the next storm obliterates our elaborate storm-vulnerable camp. Now check out this dangerous cliff!

RACHEL leads DYLAN up a windy (both kinds) dangerous path on a cliff face.

RACHEL MCADAMS

On your left is the big bright orange bush of SUPER POISONOUS BERRIES, everyone please take note! And from this vantage point you can see the HORRIBLE SINISTER FOREST OF CERTAIN DOOM full of poison ivy and death beetles and Rodents of Unusual Size that you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER go into okay?

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(nods)

You found something awesome there that I'm not allowed to see until the final act, got it.

EXT. THE ISLAND, LATE ONE NIGHT

RACHEL and DYLAN have been getting along and decide to have a nice dinner.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Ah, I haven't had a nice dinner out since my abusive drunken fuckwad husband got himself killed drunk driving. And to be fair, not for a long time before that either.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Gosh, that's terrible. Since we're sharing sympathetic backstories, my parents were horrible and abusive too, even though one was the obligatory Bruce Campbell cameo. Hey, maybe we're opening up and growing and becoming better people by learning to trust each other!

RACHEL MCADAMS

Maybe!

(pause)

Oh did I forget to not mention that boat with people that I totes didn't see and certainly didn't hide from because it's not like I want us to stay here forever and ever ha ha ha??

DYLAN O'BRIEN

No, but that's okay because I already decided to poison you and fuck off.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Hm what now?

(collapses in pile of own drool)

blrgh blnff glrph

DYLAN O'BRIEN

AW YEAH MY TIME HAS COME!! Gonna grab my RAFT that I've been secretly building, plus this comically small amount of provisions, and EFFECT MY DARING OCEAN ESCAPE

(Batista-bombed by giant wave)

(slammed onto beach with scattered debris of raft)

ow

(passes out)

EXT. THE ISLAND - THE NEXT DAY

DYLAN wakes up to see RACHEL cooking some fried octopus.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Sorry-not-sorry your escape blew chunks dude, also sorry-not-sorry for blowing chunks all over your face while rescuing you, but then again I was poisoned. Which, why the fuck even bother poisoning me? I do sleep, after all, in theory you could've been long gone before I woke up. Anyhoo!

(produces octopus skewer)

Have some tasty food and let's forget it ever happened.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Gosh thanks for such being a good sport about it, NOM NOM NOM

(devours octopus and its sweet, juicy neurotoxins)

Hm what now?

(is paralyzed)

fuck

RACHEL MCADAMS

Aw yeah, now for some revenge SAM RAIMI STYYYLEE!

(saws off Dylan's junk)

(jetstream of blood soaks everything)

(cackles maniacally)

(holds up... dead rat WHAAAAAAAAAT)

Okay we're not going that far. THIS time. I mean, I am still the hero of this piece, right?

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Well someone's gotta be.

(pause)

Right?

SAM RAIMI

(avoids eye contact)

EXT. ELSEWHERE ON THE ISLAND, SOME TIME LATER

RACHEL is busy searching for hidden immunity idols when suddenly a BOAT appears with DYLAN'S FIANCEE, EDYLL ISMAIL!

EDYLL ISMAIL

OMG helloooo!! I hired this guy's boat and we've been searching nonstop for this island, which has NOT been an easy task lemme tell ya! First we found the 1970s Italian genderswapped versions of you, then the bullshit Madonna version, then the weird smoke monster island, THEN the sad asshole Swedish-yacht island, and THEN the bizarre South Korean death-game island where we stopped to rescue everyone and that's right fuckers, in THIS universe Hyun-ju survived so there!! Anyhoo is Dylan okay?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Um, yes! Yes he is, and right this way, down this treacherous narrow cliff path.

EDYLL ISMAIL

Are you camped on the shore? Because then we could just take the boat around-

RACHEL MCADAMS

No we have to go this way, especially this corner with the breakaway stone that I somehow put back in place after it almost killed me before!

EDYLL ISMAIL

Well okay-

(falls!)

AIIEEE catch me, boat captain guy! I don't have any hands free to look up your name on IMDB!

BOAT CAPTAIN GUY

That's okay I gotcha! ...but now slipping! Quick Rachel, haul us both up with your regular human strength!

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oooh I just don't know what to do! If I squeeze my eyes REEEALLLY TIGHT maybe we can cut to the next scene--

EXT. BACK AT BEACH CAMP, SOME TIME LATER

RACHEL MCADAMS

Phew, it worked. And yet, I feel uneasy... almost like I'm having one of those movie dreams that picks up exactly where real-life left off, and then imagines what might happen next only with a sudden shock twist, y'know, just like regular dreams...

DEADYLL ISMAIL

(etherially)

whyyyy.... whyyyy did you kill meee....

RACHEL MCADAMS

(under breath)

we gotta do it sam raimi style

EVIL DEADYLL ISMAIL

Oh right.

(goes full Deadite, jams face into camera)

BLAAAARRRGHHHH HEY THERE AUDIENCE HOW'S THE POPCORN RAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHHH

RACHEL MCADAMS

(waking up)

Yikes! Well, let's hope the circumstances of her death were at least SOMEWHAT exculpatory of my actions-

DYLAN O'BRIEN

(arriving)

I just found my fiance's severed hand on the beach, you fucker! Makes me feel a LOT better about deciding to steal your knife earlier, I gotta say!

(brandishes knife)

They FIGHT!! RACHEL manages to STAB DYLAN who flees into the FORBIDDEN FOREST and finds-

INT. BIG SWANKY MEGA-MANSION, SURPRISE!!

Turns out there's a HUGE-ASS MANSION on the island! DYLAN manages to find an UNLOCKED DOOR to the KITCHEN and looks for a knife.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Welcome Dylan! Yes, I found this place ages ago, and hid ALL the knives except the one I kept. I followed some staff here bringing supplies, and no, I don't have a plan for if they come back and wonder where the fuck all the knives went.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

You're crazy! You kept us stranded all this time?!?

RACHEL MCADAMS

I sure did, but that's at least somewhat understandable given my shitty life right? I mean it's not like I did anything TOO evil-

We get a quick FLASHBACK to RACHEL flat-out MURDERING the BOAT GUY and EDYLL with a big rock.

RACHEL MCADAMS

-or okay, fine, I am actually just evil.

(makes crazy eyes)

Whatevs.

DYLAN O'BRIEN

Shit, I was actually right all along to shun you and try to get you fired! My shitty toxic behaviour has been vindicated, what a great fucking story that is for this day and age. Way to read the fucking room Raimi!

(sighs)

So now that we're BOTH evil why should the audience care who wins?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Um because

(kills Dylan)

NEXT SCENE!

EXT. SWANKY GOLF COURSE - SOME TIME LATER

RACHEL is headlining a CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT and being interviewed by FANCY RICH PEOPLE WHO ARE AMAZING WEEKLY.

INTERVIEWER

It's just so amazing how you built a better raft and were rescued and now run Douchebro Guynancial Incockperated! Tell our viewers about your plans.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Well, first thing, I gotta change the company name. Second, I want to thank whatever billionaire owns that island mansion and somehow never caught on about all the damage and homicide on the property.

MAYA RUDOLPH FROM LOOT SEASON ONE WHEN IT DIDN'T SUCK YET

You're welcome!

RACHEL MCADAMS

(tips cap)

Now watch this drive.

(golfs)

After the game, RACHEL drives off with her devoted PET BIRD into her new life of wealth, success, and contentment.

RACHEL MCADAMS

But don't forget, I'm also EVIL!

(stares directly at camera, SAM RAIMI STYLE)

BIRD

Yeah we kind of got that when you murdered two innocent people. CAW!! CAW!! Rachel's pet bird WILL RETURN in Avengers: Doomsday!

END