FADE IN:

The 20TH CENTURY STUDIOS introduction is INTERRUPTED with STATIC and SCREECHY NOISES! Then the next studio intro does not do that.

EXT. DEEP SPACE

A slow drifting SPACESHIP emerges from the void, inert. Then its PROXIMITY DETECTOR goes off and the LIGHTS come on, illuminating a field of debris. The SPACESHIP does not slow down at all which suggests it was searching the vastness of space at FIVE MILES AN HOUR. What ominous secrets does this wreckage hold--

SPACESHIP

Haha no thanks, ya girl wasn't built yesterday! Just gonna grab a sample and book it, byeeeeeeee

The SPACESHIP delivers her lumpy cargo to an unknown DEEP SPACE STATION illuminated exclusively by SINISTER RED LIGHTING!

SCIENTISTS

Well it's almost Halloween, we put in mood lighting, so sue us.

CHOIR ON SOUNDTRACK

(vocalizing)

AAAAAH, AAAAAH, THIS IS GONNA GO SO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

INT. SHITWORLD

Downtrodden worker CAILEE SPAENY dreams of being in a sunny pretty field, for which she has no frame of reference, but then wakes up in SHITWORLD, her lifelong reference too shitty to even have a frame. She walks through her DYSTOPIAN FUTURE COMPANY TOWN to the SPACEPORT.

CAILEE SPAENY

Hello, I'm here to get tickets off Shitworld, destination Happy Sunshine Planet please.

TICKET AGENT

Are you... alone?

(finger hovers over "Last Name: Solo" button)

CAILEE SPAENY

Nope! I'm here with my only living family, brother David Jonsson. He tells endless dad jokes to make up for our parents' lives having ended. Anyhoo we've completed our work contract and earned enough to leave, so how about we get on with that.

TICKET AGENT

Hm yes, let me take a look at your file.

(pisses all over computer)

Oh look it says you still owe us six years of hard labour, gosh so sorry, how do you idiots never see this coming. Fuck off.

EXT. SHITWORLD

CAILEE returns to the street to find DAVID has been BEAT UP and is bleeding... ANDROID FLUID WHAAAA?!?

DAVID JONSSON

I prefer the term 'artificial person' myself, because we get a contract bonus every time we shout-out previous Alien movies. But yes, um, ow! Don't worry Cailee, I'm still programmed to be 100% focussed on your welfare.

CAILEE gets a message from ARCHIE RENAUX so she and DAVID meet up with ARCHIE'S crew, one of whom plays a handheld video game which proclaims "GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER!" -- everyone do a shot!!

ARCHIE RENAUX

You remember my crew: cool pilot Aileen Wu, my preggers sister Isabela Merced, total asshole Spike Fearn?

AILEEN WU

(pilotly)

'Sup.

ISABELA MERCED

(pregnantly)

Hey.

SPIKE FEARN

(assholely)

Fuck you.

CAILEE SPAENY

(nodding)

The usual, you're glowing, eat shit.

ARCHIE RENAUX

ANYhoo we have an awesome new plan to reach Allergy Infomercial Planet. A giant space station just drifted into orbit that's full of cryo-pods and various gear. If we act now we can race in there, grab a few dragon eggs and chalices, buy MULTIPLE backpacks to carry THREE artifacts which apparently is legal, and escape before all our Clank! cubes get drawn.

CAILEE SPAENY

Uh-huh, and we can just waltz in there because-

SPIKE FEARN

Both the station and David were built by Weyland-Yutani, and you know how any random two pieces of tech by the same company are always compatible, APPLE?!? That's how.

CAILEE SPAENY

(deep breath)

Idon'tknowweshouldtrustthesystemfuckthatokayI'min.

INT. PROTO-SERENITY-(AS-SEEN-IN-ALIEN-RESURRECTION)-CLASS SPACESHIP

The crew pile onboard and LAUNCH into the upper atmosphere where CAILEE sees the SUN for the FIRST TIME EVER!!

CAILEE SPAENY

Wow what an amazing sight, it's so beautiful I barely feel my retinas melting.

CARRIE-ANN MOSS

Yeah, it's pretty neat.

(impaled)

ARCHIE RENAUX

There's the station! Now remember, it's gonna impact the planet's rings in...

(checks readings)

...36 hours?!? Well I think it's safe to say something's gonna bump up THAT deadline.

AILEEN WU

I've successfully docked by matching the station's roll, oooOOOOoooo!! Check out the hard-SF piloting skills on THIS bitch! And thanks to 2001 for helping this trope achieve mainstream-scifi status.

ARCHIE RENAUX

Nice work. Next step, all male-presenting crew, prepare to board!

ARCHIE and SPIKE and DAVID get into spacesuits and enter the station by way of a LONG NARROW TUBE to evoke that time LANCE HENRIKSEN was in a tube, everyone do a shot.

INT. EERIE WEYLAND-YUTANI SPACE STATION

The ARCHIE GANG carefully explore the station.

SPIKE FEARN

I gotta say this "gravity generator purge" thing, where we suddenly alternate between zero and full G, sure is an annoying detail that 100% won't matter ever again!

DAVID JONSSON

Not to worry, I've managed to restore power and stabilize gravity. And here are exactly five cryo-pods, just precisely enough to get all of us to Warrior's Flashback To Their Previous Peaceful Farm Life Planet.

ARCHIE RENAUX

Damn, they don't have quite enough fuel though. We gotta keep looking for more specialized cryo-fuel, or failing that a whooooooooole lot of D-cell batteries.

They draw a new hand with lots of BOOT ICONS and so explore more of the station.

COMPUTER VOICE

(over speakers)

Attention station residents, time for Daily Backstory. This station exists in two discrete halves, named Romulus and Remus. Officially they are of equal importance but the Remus half is dumb and stupid so it doesn't get to be in the movie title. I mean c'mon, how many Trek aliens are named after Remus, right? PUH-LEESE anyway enjoy your day.

The GANG find a CREEPY LAB with a GIANT HOLE in the floor going down many many stories, RUH ROH!

DAVID JONSSON

Perhaps this room labelled "Cryo Chamber" will contain more of the cryo-fuel we need. Hm, the room appears to be partly flooded. Well, "cryo" me a river. Ha ha ha.

ARCHIE RENAUX

Here it is! Lots and lots of cryo-fuel cleverly hidden behind this "NO NO YOU IDIOT" sign scrawled in blood, let me just remove it from these cryo-machines and

(BWAHH! BWAHH!! RED ALERT, RED ALERT)

SPIKE FEARN

Oh nice job asshole, you set off a stationwide lockdown! Now we're stuck in this room and David isn't cleared to override the door, I told you we should have bought a master key instead of a backpack!!

CAILEE SPAENY

(outside door)

It's okay Aileen and I are here! We took the control module out of the cut-in-half robot in the creepy lab, whose face remained in shadow GOSH I WONDER WHO THAT WILL TURN OUT TO BE, put it in David and he'll get you out!

They put the module into DAVID'S HEAD and wait for him to REBOOT. Meanwhile, various THAWING-OUT FACEHUGGERS also begin REBOOTING!

ARCHIE RENAUX

Oh shit, facehuggers flying at us from every which way! Good thing they're still super groggy from cryosleep, based on previous performance we all shoulda been latched onto in half a second.

FACEHUGGER

(stretching, rubbing sensory receptors)

YAWWWWN okay, right, where were we? Oh yeah, facehugging things. Luckily we got woken up by things with faces! Plus mouths connected to a long tube leading to a major internal cavity, with a choke point along the way, we're like BUILT for this shit! Anyhoo here I goooo-

(grabbed by David!)

-urk

DAVID JONSSON

I have rebooted. Let us use these boots to flee.

Our heroes RUN RUN RUN back to the lab and close the door ALMOST IN TIME BUT NOT QUITE, one of the FACEHUGGERS gets AILEEN!

CAILEE SPAENY

Oh come on, AILEEN?!? You just had to get our only pilot!?

ALIEN

Well we had the most letters in common, so...

(continues facehugging)

CAILEE SPAENY

Quick, get this thing off her!

(grabs pickaxe)

DAVID JONSSON

Let me save you and the audience a lot of time by saying my new module also contains en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenomorph. However I'm not sure what the deelio is with this station in particular, so let's plug in that severed artificial person and ask.

They power up the cut-in-half ANDROID who turns out to be NONE OTHER THAN...

ROBOT IAN HOLM

Surprise it's me! Yes we destroyed 5000 acres of rainforest to AI-generate this creepy version of my face, but on the other hand, it also doesn't always line up right!

ARCHIE RENAUX

That's a lot of ethically questionable effort just to bring back a supporting character...

ROBO-HOLM

Oh I'm not even the same android as before lol.

CAILEE SPAENY

So... you could have been played by anybody. There's no real reason you have to be Ian Holm at all.

ROBO-HOLM

Well I have a big fat cheque that says Ian Holm always wanted to return to the franchise no matter what it took! So yes, we thought we could study the Alien but instead it tore us a new asshole, bla bla bla. The important thing is you're fucked, you have my sympathies, everyone do a shot.

CAILEE SPAENY

I'm not giving up so easily! Hey, has anyone tried cryo-freezing a facehugger mid-implantation?

DAVID JONSSON

(speed-binges franchise)

Not yet.

They try the plan and it appears to WORK!

AILEEN WU

(regaining consciousness)

Oof, thanks guys, that was close. I feel fine, gonna head back to the ship okay?

(burps up tiny top hat, cane)

DAVID JONSSON

NO! We must stop her, in the most cold calculating way possible! You humans are all on board with my dispassionate assessment, yes?

(bashed in head)

AILEEN and SPIKE race back to the SHIP and get ready to TAKE OFF!

ISABELA MERCED

(on sleeping bunk)

Oh hey! So I guess everything went smooth, no complications, we're about to ride off happily into the sunset?

ALIEN WU

Um, yeah! Everything's great.

(convulses)

Just gotta prep for departure...

(limbs spasm, hitting "Send Ship Into Death Spiral" button)

Ah, please fasten your seatbelts?

(chest cracks open, Alien bursts out)

Fuck.

(dies)

Their SHIP proceeds on its merry DEATH SPIRAL, CRASHING into lots of stuff, BLOWING SHIT UP, and finally RAMMING ITS WAY into another part of the station, all of which alter the station trajectory a fair bit I'd say!

ARCHIE RENAUX

Ah there we go, now ring impact is in only 47 minutes. Much more dramatic, but still gives us time to make our way to the ship and escape.

CAILEE SPAENY

Seriously? What are the odds the ship will still be spaceworthy after all that?

ARCHIE RENAUX

Probably better than the odds of it crashing directly into a landing dock, which also happened, so I think we're good!

DAVID JONSSON

Unfortunately there are corridors of facehuggers between us and the ship. However I now know that they hunt by sound and heat, so if we set room temperature to body temperature and move reeeeallly slow, we should be safe.

CAILEE SPAENY

Wait, sound and heat? So how do they aim for the mouth?

DAVID JONSSON

Okaytemperatureallsetlet'sgo!

INT. ANOTHER SPOOOOKY PART OF THE STATION

CAILEE, ARCHIE, and DAVID carefully tiptoe through the tulips facehuggers.

ISABELA MERCED

(on radio)

Guys! Guys! You there?! Spike and I survived the crash but then the Alien killed Spike with vag acid and now it's gonna kill me and my unborn child and I'm stuck behind a door and I knew I shoulda bought a key instead of a crown HELLLLLLLLLLP

ARCHIE RENAUX

(single bead of sweat forms)

FACEHUGGERS

THERE THEY ARE! EVERYONE LEAP TOWARDS THOSE HEAT BLOBS AND MAKE YOUR BEST GUESS AS TO WHERE THE MOUTH IS POSITIONED

Our heroes RUN RUN RUN and find the door with ISABELA on the other side!

ISABELA MERCED

Oh phew! Hurry, open this superheavy cumbersome door real quick and let me dart out!

(Alien makes rabbit ears behind Isabela's head)

Why aren't you

(speared)

Oh I see

(carried off)

CAILEE, ARCHIE, and DAVID escape in an EXPRESS ELEVATOR TO HELL, GOING DOWN, do a shot.

INT. EVEN DEEPER SPOOKIER LEVELS OF THE STATION, AND YES IN SPACE THERE IS NOT REALLY A "DEEPER" BUT WHATEVER

DAVID leads the others to a NEW creepy laboratory in the ROMULUS section, which wait, we were in the lameoid REMUS section before? Fuck that noise.

DAVID JONSSON

My new control module makes me loyal to the Company. So I made a deal with Robo-Holm where he'll help us reach Young Adult CBC Horse Show Planet, if we save his research and this icky special Compound Z-01 that gives humans rapid-evolvo-powers like the xenomorphs have.

ROBO-HOLM

(on monitor)

I call it Prometheus Fire and that's the ONLY reference we need to make to THAT bullshit, everyone chug a bottle.

DAVID unlocks a gun locker so that ARCHIE and CAILEE can do THE POSE (see picture at top of script, do a shot).

DAVID JONSSON

Obviously we can't use that gun or the alien acid blood will melt through the hull. But since you're humans, the xenomorphs can't rule out you'd be too stupid to realize that. Anyway, I think I figured a way to reach the landing dock.

Our heroes walk into an ALIEN NEST CORRIDOR.

DAVID JONSSON

Well, shit.

ARCHIE RENAUX

I found Isabela, and she's not facehugged yet, yay, only horribly wounded! Now we can still travel together to Liona Boyd Music Video Planet and-

(grabbed by xenomorphs)

I guess that was a bit naive of me.

XENOMORPH

HI THERE I JUST REALIZED WE HAVEN'T DONE THE PUNCH-MY-TINY-HEAD-INTO-YOUR-HEAD SCHTICK YET

(facefucks)

CAILEE SPAENY

Noooo they killed Archie and wounded David! Isabela, take the elevator up, I gotta go back down to retrieve my found family member, do a shot!

ISABELA MERCED

Why do you care about David so much, he's not even real.

FLORENCE PUGH AS YELENA BELOVA

(stepping in)

I got this.

(intensely)

HE IS REAL, HE IS REAL TO ME. DON'T TELL ME HE ISN'T REAL.

While FLORENCE handles the metaphysical debate on existence this allows CAILEE to rescue DAVID and swap out his module again!

DAVID JONSSON

Ah, feels good to be back to my regular, nervous, jittery self with no specialized access to anything here, are you sure that was a smart move?

CAILEE SPAENY

Guess I was more concerned with the swarm of xenomorphs about to chomp us. But wait, that seemingly useless gravity-purge thing from earlier! I can trigger zero-G and then shoot all the aliens I want!

(does so)

Hurray! Now we just have to dodge giant floating clouds of deadly acid everywhere, you're welcome.

DAVID JONSSON

Not a problem, I'll just activate New York Summer 2023 Protocol HEY-OHHHHH

They reach the ELEVATOR which is sadly USELESS in zero gravity! To prove this we see the CABLE SPOOL failing to work so that we're all fully convinced of the situation. DAVID and CAILEE float upwards but ALIENS float after them, then GRAVITY returns so the ALIENS fall but CAILEE also falls and everybody just YO-YOS UP AND DOWN a while as though ROCKET RACCOON were directing this scene. Finally it's down to CAILEE and ONE ALIEN and it looks bad until DAVID swoops in and FRAGS it!

DAVID JONSSON

Get away from her.

(pause)

(sees entire audience with shot glasses raised expectantly)

(actual delivery of line)

...uh... you bitch?

AUDIENCE

(downs shots)

CAILEE SPAENY

Phew, thanks! Welp, with gravity back all that acid blood is eating the hull, but we're also crashing into the rings and destroying the station that way, it's a bit redundant tbh but anyhoo let's bounce!

INT. BACK ON THE SUPER-RUGGED NIGH-INDESTRUCTIBLE SHIP WHICH SURE AS HELL WASN'T BUILT BY ELON MUSK, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH

CAILEE and DAVID reach the ship, find ISABELA there and take off!

CAILEE SPAENY

Ah, I guess we're safe now. David, I've realized you deserve to be your own person so I'm going to modify your prime directive to be...

DAVID JONSSON

Doing what's best for me?

CAILEE SPAENY

Uh, let's start with "us" for now, see how that goes, 'kay?

(big smile)

Now let's get into our cryo-pods and travel blissfully to Wheat Field Screensaver Planet.

ISABELA MERCED

Sounds great! Oh, could you be a doll and adjust my cryo-pod settings to "human who is FIFTEEN MONTHS PREGNANT OWWWWWWWWWWWWW

For indeed ISABELA has injected herself with EVOLVO-JUICE to heal her wounds, and is now HYPER-PREGGERS! She delivers a HYBRID-EGG-THINGIE!

CAILEE SPAENY

Huh, guess we're doing Alien: Resurrection too. Refill those shot glasses, everyone!

CAILEE tries to dispose of the EGG but it's covered in ACID GOOP that starts eating away at the CARGO HOLD!

COMPUTER VOICE

Attention. Cargo hold integrity compromised. Activating manual control since WHY would you want auto-pilot when everyone's busy fixing the cargo hold.

The SHIP begins drifting towards the RINGS, RUH ROH! CAILEE begins detaching the cargo bay while the newly-hatched HYBRID OFFSPRING goes after ISABELA!

ROBERT BOBROCZKYI

Hi everyone, I'm 7-foot-7 Romanian basketball player Robert Bobroczkyi, and I'll be your monstrous hybrid offspring for today. Our specials are RAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH

(beats up David)

(extends huge disgusto-tongue towards Isabela)

ISABELA MERCED

Yyyeeesh. If you're gonna murder me with that thing can it happen mostly offscreen at least?

(sucked dry, but discreetly)

Thanks.

(dies)

And so it's down to CAILEE VERSUS THE OFFSPRING!

ROBERT BOBROCZKYI

HEY-EY, COME OUT AND PLAAAAYYY

(rampages)

CAILEE SPAENY

One sec, gotta slip into a spacesuit whilst in my underwear, do a shot.

They FIGHT causing DECOMPRESSION to happen! CAILEE maneuvers ROBERT into the CARGO BAY and aaaaalmost detaches it, but one single cable refuses to budge!

CARGO BAY RELEASE CABLE

Sorry, I require a finishing line of dialogue to be able to comply.

CAILEE SPAENY

(thinks)

Okay then---YOU'RE OFF THE CASE, BOBROCZSKYI!!!!

(aside)

Maybe that only makes sense to a very specific subset of NHL fans, but the actual line was "Die motherfucker!" and something tells me future movies won't be lining up to quote that one.

ROBERT goes hurtling into the PLANETARY RINGS and is DESTROYED! CAILEE and DAVID tuck in, finally free to journey to their new lives on Magic Utopia That Doesn't Accept Artificial People But We'll Worry About That Later Planet.

CAILEE SPAENY (V/O)

Log entry... sorry, CRYO-log entry 46.71.32. Despite near-impossible cryo-odds, we escaped and acquired the mastery token worth 20 cryo-victory points. This is Cryo-Cailee, last cryo-survivor of the Romulus, cryo-signing off.

(does cryo-shot)

...oh yeah, and Remus, I guess.

ANCIENT ROMAN DEMIGOD REMUS

(pouts)

END