FADE IN:

INT. DETROIT - FLASHFORWARD

Trailer trash thief JANE LEVY is being dragged down the street by blind wife-beater fashion model STEPHEN LANG.

JANE LEVY

So we’re opening with a spoiler? Wait, why the hell isn’t anyone trying to help me or calling the police?

STEPHEN LANG

If Detroit residents called the cops every time they saw a bleeding helpless girl being dragged down the street to her doom by some weirdo they’d never get anything done.

INT. A RICH PERSON’S HOUSE - DAYS EARLIER

JANE breaks into the house with fellow inept thieves DYLAN MINNETTE and DANIEL ZOVATTO.

JANE LEVY

Alright guys, lets show everyone what classy respectable thieves we are by getting in, taking only what we need, and getting out without the owners ever knowing we were here.

DYLAN MINNETTE

(needlessly breaks shit)

DANIEL ZOVATTO

(pisses on the carpet)

JANE LEVY

(takes a nap)

DYLAN MINNETTE

(smashes a window and intentionally sets off a security alarm)

DANIEL ZOVATTO

(is generally an all-around dickhead)

JANE LEVY

Now that we’ve establish how we’re three unlikable douchebags let’s hope we don’t get into a life and death situation where the audience is expected to care about our survival!

INT. POST APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND (AKA DETROIT)

DYLAN MINNETTE

We weren’t able sell off the stuff we stole from that house. Now we’ll never make enough money to get out of the 7th Ring of Hell-- I mean Detroit.

JANE LEVY

Great, now I’m doomed to live out the rest of my life wearing cutoff shirts in my white trash mom’s trailer with her rapey boyfriend who has a swastika tattoo.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

Jackpot! I just found out the bad guy from Avatar got a $300k settlement after his daughter was tragically killed so let’s go rob him!

JANE LEVY

We’re robbing a blind guy with a dead kid? Holy fuck, we just went from “mildly unlikable jerkholes” to “completely detestable shit smears”.

DYLAN MINNETTE

But you care for your younger sister so you at least have some generic sympathy going for you.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

But what about me? My character name is “Money” and I have cornrows. I’m clearly marked for death!

JANE LEVY

Well that and the trailer was a dead giveaway.

DYLAN MINNETTE

Don’t worry guys, I’m sure we’ll execute this robbery with expert precision just like the last robbery!

DANIEL ZOVATTO

And lucky for us Stephen lives in an abandoned neighborhood with absolutely no neighbors or witnesses to call for help. It’ll be like stealing candy from Helen Keller!

JANE LEVY

If Helen Keller was an ex-soldier and had super powered Daredevil hearing.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

Exactly!

INT. STEPHEN LANG’S HOUSE (OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T LIKE SCENE HEADERS BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST SO TOUGH TITTY)

DYLAN MINNETTE

Turns out my dad works for the home security company so I’ve programmed this air conditioning remote to hack into Stephen’s system with hacks.

JANE LEVY

(whispers)

Stephen’s upstairs asleep so let’s make as little noise as humanly possible so as not to alert him of our presen--

DANIEL ZOVATTO

(plays GWAR on his phone)

YOU KNOW I CAN’T COMMIT CRIMES WITHOUT MY THEME MUSIC! AWW YEAH!!

(plays a snare drum)

DYLAN MINNETTE

(whispering)

Dude! WTF! We need to keep quiet!

DANIEL ZOVATTO

(turns on a lawn mower)

WHAT WAS THAT?

(starts up a chainsaw)

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

(operates a jackhammer)

JANE LEVY

Somehow Stephen didn’t hear any of that bullshit so let’s do crime and get out of here.

DYLAN MINNETTE

The basement door has a lock on it so obviously that’s where Stephen’s safe is and not in the dozens of rooms upstairs we didn't bother to look in. Did anyone bring a lock pick?

DANIEL ZOVATTO

If by "lock pick" you mean "gun" then yes I brought mine!

DYLAN MINNETTE

Wait you pulled a Raoul and brought a gun? I didn’t sign up for armed robbery! Just unarmed robbery! I’m leaving! Come on Jane let’s bounce!

JANE LEVY

Sorry Dylan, but Daniel is my boyfriend because I have my mother’s good taste in men so I’m staying.

DYLAN MINNETTE

And I enjoy pining after someone who emotionally tortures me with her indifference so I guess I'm staying too.

DANIEL shoots the lock off the basement door while using a water bottle as a suppressor which does an amazing job of reducing the sound of a loud ass gunshot to just above the sound of A FUCKING LOUD ASS FUCKING GUNSHOT.

STEPHEN LANG

I guess I didn't hear all that other commotion because I sleep in a sensory deprivation chamber while listening to a recording of Gilbert Gottfried reading the Kama Sutra.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

Well I’m here to rob you blind... er. I have a gun bro so no sudden moves.

STEPHEN LANG

A gun you say? I don’t believe you. I had better feel around for it and lurch towards you in a zombie-like fashion and OH LOOK I GOT YOUR GUN!!!

DANIEL ZOVATTO

FUCK HE’S TURNING MY OWN GUN ON ME! OH MAN I’M STRUGGLING TO STOP STEPHEN FROM BLOWING MY HEAD CLEAN OFF FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE A REALLY LONG ASS TIME! IF ONLY I HAD TWO FRIENDS STANDING MERE INCHES AWAY WHO COULD HELP ME!!

JANE LEVY

(busy checking her Twitter feed)

DYLAN MINNETTE

(busy reading iTunes Terms and Conditions agreement)

DANIEL ZOVATTO

OH SHIT STEPHEN HAS PRESSED THE BARREL OF THE GUN AGAINST MY HEAD! IF ONLY ONE OF MY TWO FRIENDS WOULD JUMP IN AND SAVE ME!!

DYLAN MINNETTE

(flosses teeth)

JANE LEVY

(picks nose)

DANIEL ZOVATTO

THERE’S STILL TIME TO RESCUE ME! BUT ONLY IF YOU ACT RIGHT NOW RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND OR ELSE I’M

(shot dead)

JANE LEVY

(updates Face Book status to “single”)

DYLAN MINNETTE

(Likes Jane’s updated status)

STEPHEN LANG

Surely there aren’t any other intruders in my house or else they would have stopped me from shooting their dumb friend in his dumb face! I mean what kind of spineless cowards would stand by and let me do such a thing?

DYLAN MINNETTE

(texting)

::eye roll emoji::

JANE LEVY

(texting)

::Speak No Evil emoji::

STEPHEN LANG

Now to access my hidden closet safe to make sure all my dead daughter money is still there. I’ll just punch in the access code which is conveniently displayed on a huge digital readout that can be seen from space instead of being hidden by asterisks.

JANE LEVY

Ha! I was hiding in the closet and saw the code! Now I’ve got all of Stephen’s murdered kid cash!

DYLAN MINNETTE

Wow, you are really trying to win that Most Unlikable Movie Protagonist Award.

JANE LEVY

Fuck, you’re right. The only way my greedy selfishness might be forgiven is if it turns out Stephen is a total monster.

Meanwhile in another part of the house:

STEPHEN LANG

(sniffing)

Ew, something stinks! What is that? Smells like someone vomited into a dirty sock then mixed it with raw sewage and a bushel of durians on a crowded bus.

STEPHEN follows the stink to two pairs of SHOES.

STEPHEN LANG

Gross! Jane and Dylan took off their shoes so they could move around undetected! I’ll just have to follow the stink! Seriously, you guys need to see a doctor about that.

STEPHEN boards up the exits and apparently all the WINDOWS TOO so JANE and DYLAN can’t escape! They go down into the basement and find a KIDNAPPED GIRL bound and gagged and chained to the wall inside of a PILLOW FORT.

KIDNAPPED GIRL

(through gag)

Mrmph mere merff mergher!

DYLAN MINNETTE

What was that, girl? Timmy fell down a well?

JANE LEVY

Hey this is the rich girl who accidentally killed Stephen’s daughter! It says so on this copy of the Exposition Post Gazette!

DYLAN MINNETTE

My God, that’s awful. Oh well, let’s ditch her ass and save ourselves!

JANE LEVY

Damn we are really doubling down on being unforgiveable assholes. Even though the movie is halfway over this seems like a good time to stop acting like inhuman jackasses and free this helpless girl.

THEY DO and try to escape through a cellar door but are surprised by STEPHEN.

STEPHEN LANG

I fired in a random direction and somehow managed to fatally shoot one of you! I'm like a reverse Storm Trooper! So which one of you did I kill?

KIDNAPPED GIRL

Eerk!

(is dead)

STEPHEN LANG

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Just wait until you find out why I’m so upset over her death. You’ll never look at a certain cooking utensil the same ever again.

DYLAN MINNETTE

Argh! One of his bullets grazed me! But I have healing factor so I won’t feel a thing or even bleed!

JANE LEVY

You’re running low on bullets Stephen. It’s only a matter of time before we outwit your blind ass!

STEPHEN LANG

Then allow me to level the playing field!

(shuts off all the lights)

JANE LEVY

Oh no! We’re blind! Everything’s all Paranormal Activity-y! Stephen can't find us as long as we don't breathe!

DYLAN MINNETTE

(gasps!)

Shit! I breathed! Now Stephen’s got me! Oh crap he’s trying to choke me to death! I could really use some help Jane! JANE?

JANE LEVY

(is in the fetal position)

DYLAN MINNETTE

Seriously? You’re just going to sit there and let Stephen kill me?

JANE LEVY

At least I’m consistent!

DYLAN frees himself and knocks STEPHEN down.

JANE LEVY

Suddenly my legs work now that you no longer need my help!

DYLAN MINNETTE

Jesus Fuck Jane, if I die without getting to plow you I am going to shit my pants. I think it’s time I activated the alarm system and summoned the cops before this escalates any further.

JANE LEVY

But then we won’t get Stephen’s dead kid money??

DYLAN MINNETTE

Yes that’s true, but it’s obvious Stephen is going to kill us so activating the alarm means we’ll at least get to live.

JANE LEVY

But... then we won’t get Stephen’s dead kid money!! Being brutally murdered is well worth the risk if it means getting out of Detroit! Besides Stephen’s in the basement, he can’t hurt us.

ATTACK DOG

Sup.

The dog chases JANE into some AIR DUCTS while STEPHEN appears and beats the living shit out of DYLAN and stabs him with hedge shears.

Or DOES HE?

JANE LEVY

That is the sound of my share of the money getting bigger! Now that dead kid cash is all min

(is punched in the face 14 times)

JANE wakes up inside the PILLOW FORT and strapped into a SEX SWING.

STEPHEN LANG

I kidnapped the girl who killed my daughter so that she could birth me a new child, since she’s dead that makes you my new surrogate!

JANE LEVY

So you’re going to rape me?

STEPHEN LANG

How dare you even suggest that! I am a gentleman! Sure I may be a murderer and an abductor of women but I, good madam, am no rapist!

JANE LEVY

Phew! Bullet dodged!

STEPHEN LANG

I'm just going to thaw out some hair-filled sperm and squirt it inside you with the aid of my trusty turkey baster!

EXTREME CLOSE UP: ON GOOEY SPOOGE FILLED TURKEY BASTER

JANE LEVY

NO. OMG NOOO. NOOOO!!!!! NOT THE TURKEY BASTER!!!!!

STEPHEN LANG

Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, you’re reacting as if I'm not being super classy about this. I mean no doubt it’s terrible and disgusting for sure, but it’ll at least be over in like two seconds.

DYLAN MINNETTE

Those are MY two seconds!

(knocks Stephen down)

Fooled ya! The guy you thought you stabbed was Daniel’s dead corpse! Now it’s time for a taste of your own medicine!

STEPHEN LANG

(is fed a spooge yogurt smoothie)

Still tastes better than Chobani.

JANE LEVY

So Stephen, given your condition and obvious mental insanity, how the motherfuck were you planning on taking care of your rape baby after it was born?

STEPHEN LANG

Seeing as that I managed to get away with kidnapping a woman and built a padded pillow fortress all without my sight proves forging a birth certificate and homeschooling a child would be a piece of cake for a wizard like me.

DYLAN MINNETTE

Well now if you'll excuse us, Jane and I are going to leave you handcuffed in the basement without calling the cops or simply killing you!

JANE LEVY

Wait, won’t he just kidnap some other girl and try to impregnate her?

DYLAN MINNETTE

Not our problem! Now to leave this house with all that sweet sweet dead daughter cash

(is killed)

(shits his pants)

STEPHEN LANG

I broke through my restraints because I have crazy super human old man strength.

JANE LEVY

Well I’m on the street outside the house so you can’t do dick to me blindy!

ATTACK DOG

Sup.

JANE is chased into a short CUJO REMAKE before being RECAPTURED and dragged back to the house.

JANE LEVY

FuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!

STEPHEN LANG

So, would you prefer a traditional birth or a water birth? And what about names? I was thinking Xander if it’s a boy and Beyoncé if it’s a girl.

JANE LEVY

Hey look, an air conditioning remote.

(activates security alarm)

STEPHEN LANG

NOOOO!!! A LOUD NOISE!!!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!

JANE beats him up and throws him down some stairs.

STEPHEN LANG

Ow! My neck! My back! My neck AND my back!

(is dead)

JANE escapes with the money and is about to leave Detroit with her KIDNAPPED SISTER.

JANE LEVY

At least Stephen is getting turkey basters shoved up his butt for eternity in hell.

Or IS HE?

STEPHEN LANG

Nope. Still alive. And now I’m a hero for valiantly shooting two home invaders dead. I’m probably going to get an NRA endorsement deal out of this and make back 5 times what you stole from me.

JANE LEVY

Sooooo... everybody gets a happy ending!

STEPHEN LANG

I still came out of this looking way more likable then you so yeah, I'd say so!

END