FADE IN:

Various NEWSPAPER HEADLINES inform us that the WEYLAND-YUTANI CORPORATION is doing THE ABYSS on the DEEPEST DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN DEEP WHICH CONTAINS SUCH DEEP DEPTHS OF DEEPITUDE and also ANOMALIES OOOOOOOH WHAT TERRORS AWAIT IN THESE DEPTHS OF DEEPNESS, SURELY NOT HALF-BAKED CLOVERFIELD KNOCKOFFS, NO, SOMETHING MUCH MORE DEEPLY TERRIFYING LURKS IN THE DEEP DEPTHY DEEP DEEP

INT. SUPER DEEP OCEAN STATION "KEPLER"

Inside the base, KRISTEN STEWART brushes her teeth in her UNDERWEAR!

KRISTEN STEWART

I shall now rescue this spider. Well that's enough world-building and character introduction so time for shit to explode!

SHIT

(explodes!)

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no a breach! Come on, Mamoudou Athie, this way!

MAMOUDOU ATHIE

Everything's fucked! You gotta shut that door or the whole base will be destroyed!

KRISTEN STEWART

But there are two distant unnamed vague figures trapped back there eh fuck them.

(shuts door)

More SHIT EXPLODES! KRISTEN and MAMOUDOU are knocked out but then wake up.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no the base is 70% compromised, which may go nicely with its general 1970s aesthetic but we gotta get to the escape pods!

They head towards the PODS and along the way find TJ MILLER jammed under a rock at the bottom of the ocean since 2018. They let him TAG ALONG and he has a dumb stuffed animal and is useless.

INT. POD SECTOR LV-426

They reach the POD ROOM only to learn all the PODS have been CAST OFF! Instead there is only CAPTAIN VINCENT CASSEL along with two crewmembers, JESSICA HENWICK and JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no the power core's gonna blow in 30 minutes! And we have no pods and no radio, we can't even bring the second drop ship down by remote!

TJ MILLER

We're in some pretty shit now man! Game over man, game over!

VINCENT CASSEL

We must reach Roebuck station and hope there are still pods there. It's all up to us; the other 300+ crew are all dead, escaped, or missing, leaving a nice affordable cast of six.

JESSICA HENWICK

But see heres, Roebuck is across the empty ocean floor! Can't we go to...

(checks map)

Sheppard station? It's much closer. Plus from there we could head west to Finch, transfer to the Yonge line and-

VINCENT CASSEL

No no that station isn't an option, it um, burned down. Anyway it was empty and stupid and had no incriminating evidence inside anyway so who cares, ha ha ha.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

By the way if anyone's interested I have the last transmission from our drill site.

RECORDING

RAAARRRRRGH CHOMP GULP AAIEEEEE SO MUCH BLOOD GOBBLE DEVOUR YUM YUM

VINCENT CASSEL

This is fine.

They get into DEEP SEA SUITS which means everyone must strip down to their UNDERWEAR!

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no there's so much pressure behind this door I hope nobody got a faulty helmet because you would die now anyway here goes!

(opens door)

MAMOUDOU ATHIE

It's okay, I picked the faulty helmet on purpose so I could nobly implode instead of staying behind, alive, and coming up with a new plan. And since nothing's beneath this flick, literally or otherwise, might as well do a "black guy dies first" right?

(implodes!!)

TJ MILLER

Well that's just fucking great man! Why don't you put her in charge?!?

The remaining cast get inside a MODULE so they can descend to the ocean floor.

INT. MODULE

The module DESCENDS, giving our heroes a chance to share the SINKING FEELING that the AUDIENCE has had since the OPENING CREDITS.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no there's a distress beacon!

VINCENT CASSEL

Stop everything! I know that so far we've been racing through plot as fast as possible, but as Captain, I order we bring everything to a screeching halt so we can check this out, stretch our legs, stare at things, maybe watch herbs grow.

TJ and JOHN go outside the MODULE and go looking for the beacon.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

We can't find it. Everything's dark as fuck and when we shine our lights it's just smudges.

VINCENT CASSEL

Keep looking.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Still can't find it.

KRISTEN STEWART

The radar says the beacon's at your position.

TJ MILLER

That's inside the room, man, that's impossible!

VINCENT CASSEL

Keep looking guys.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

Still nothing.

JESSICA HENWICK

Maybe they should stop looking.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

But I wanna keep looking.

KRISTEN STEWART

Tell them to stop looking!

VINCENT CASSEL

Guys, stop looking.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

FUCK YOU IMA KEEP LOOKING

Eventually they find a SMALL PARASITIC BEASTIE that LUNGES AT THEIR FACE AW YEAH HERE WE GO but they shoot it and bring it back and it just lies there.

JESSICA HENWICK

Ooh this unknown organism is fascinating, I must inspect it with my bare hands immediately! I am a scientist.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no we've lost power, we're stuck!

TJ MILLER

How could they cut the power, man, they're animals!!

After some obligatory CLANGING and BUMPING from outside we see TENTACLES and something EXPLODES and they fall to the ocean floor and fall out of the MODULE and shit falls on them and EXPLODES and TJ is still fucking useless and they go inside again.

INT. MIDWAY STATION

The gang is inside MIDWAY STATION now.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no John's suit is fucked, we'll have to drag him around like dead weight! Er, starting now.

They use a motorized sled thing for a while but then they can't so they don't.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no this part of the corridor collapsed, we'll have to continue... UNDERWATER! I'll scout ahead since I'm the smallest.

JESSICA HENWICK

Aren't we all wearing identical regulation-issue diving suits though?

VINCENT CASSEL

Yes, you go first! Then Jessica, and as Captain I'll go third, obviously. Then John and then TJ last because fuck him.

Sure enough the plan WORKS, in the sense that TJ gets GRABBED by a BEASTIE!

TJ MILLER

Who wants some!! Oh, you want some?! How about you?!

(suit cracked open)

(insides slurped up)

(dead)

BEASTIE

GLOMPH RAAARGH WE SHALL AVENGE OUR FALLEN RED LOBSTER SHRIMPFEST BRETHREN

The others manage to save TJ MILLER'S dumb stuffed animal which is just as useless as TJ MILLER but takes up less space and doesn't need oxygen so it's a NET GAIN. They reach the NEXT ROOM!

INT. NEXT ROOM

The FINAL FOUR prepare to walk the ocean floor.

JESSICA HENWICK

All this was... OUR FAULT. We DRILLED TOO DEEP. We forgot how to LOVE. Hey, what if we showed the beasties some love letters between me and John?

KRISTEN STEWART

Huh? Why you and John?

JESSICA HENWICK

Apparently our characters are in love, that's why we've never talked and barely even looked at each other this whole time.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh.

They set out on their WALK.

EXT. OCEAN FLOOR

They WALK for a while. It is DARK so they shine LIGHTS and see DARK BUT FURTHER AWAY. So they WALK more and shine more LIGHTS and see MORE DARK and some FLOATY DARK SHIT and OH HEY BEASTIES RARRGH BLARGH and somehow KRISTEN and VINCENT wind up on some kind of DISCO DANCE PLATFORM THING.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no I'm gonna get eaten! Or possibly do the Disco Duck, not sure which is a worse fate.

But VINCENT STABBY STAB STABS the BEASTIE who then DRAGS VINCENT AND KRISTEN towards an AREA OF SUPER EXTREME HIGH PRESSURE, like imagine TRYING TO FIND A STORE WITH LYSOL WIPES IN STOCK but SLIGHTLY LESS STRESSFUL.

KRISTEN STEWART

Don't let go Vincent! I can still rescue us while being helplessly dragged behind you and nothing to grab anywhere, damn, usually these scenarios give at least the ILLUSION of a choice.

VINCENT CASSEL

No, I must sacrifice myself! Say farewell to my totally real daughter who exists for me!

(lets go)

(implodes!)

(oh and also EXPLODES!)

The EXPLOSION sends KRISTEN flying all the way over to...

INT. SHEPPARD STATION

KRISTEN gets inside the station and has a refreshing SHOWER in her UNDERWEAR!

KRISTEN STEWART

This place doesn't seem so bad. It's got hot water, fresh air, a foosball table...

FOOSBALL TABLE

(explodes!)

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey this is Vincent's locker! With a funeral card revealing that his daughter has been DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME! How shocking!

(pause)

And some notes that suggest maybe he knew about the beasties all along and corporate cover-up and bla bla bla, YAAAWWWWNNNNN

(shuts locker)

Further exploration reveals a NEW DIVING SUIT, a FLARE GUN, and various other COOL PIECES OF GEAR that will surely come in handy, especially with KRISTEN'S character being an engineer... maybe she'll make a CHAINSAW GLOVE or a PROSTHETIC CLAW ARM or then again maybe nothing like that at all will happen. She SUITS UP and LEAVES.

EXT. OCEAN FLOOR

KRISTEN spots JESSICA dragging JOHN and decides to just FLAT-OUT TACKLE HER ASS for no apparent reason, I guess she was trying to support the photo-caption joke? Thanks KRISTEN!

KRISTEN STEWART

You're welcome, and also, we made it! That large, barely-lit smudge pile, it's Roebuck station! I'm going by the text in the corner that popped up, everything looks the same down here really.

JESSICA HENWICK

Yeah, I guess they were going for an "authentic" look with all the darkness and shit floating everywhere, but artistic licence exists for a reason, yeah? Anyway my oxygen's getting really low so let's haul ass-

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no, there's a beastie nest between us and the door! But they seem dormant, so maybe if we keep quiet and don't set off our low-oxygen alarms we'll be okay. Well it's not like they'll go off anytime soon, we can take our time I'm sure.

JESSICA HENWICK

Right then, let's sloowwwwllly sneak past OH FUCK MY LOW-OXYGEN ALARM WENT OFF NOOOOO HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN

The BEASTIES wake up! One of them SWALLOWS KRISTEN WHOLE but she shoots her way out with her FLARE GUN!

KRISTEN STEWART

You're cooked now beasties, I've got ONE MORE flare where THAT came from...

(looks waaaay up)

Oh no, the final boss is a huge Cloverfield-style beastie! Wait, is this like Overlord and it's been a stealth-Cloverfield movie all along? Hm, OVER-lord. UNDER-water. Hmm.

While KRISTEN mulls this over the GIANT BEASTIE steps on something that EXPLODES!!!! This creates enough CHAOS for JESSICA to get everyone INSIDE!

INT. ROEBUCK STATION

Our heroes race towards the ESCAPE PODS in their UNDERWEAR!

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no, only two pods left! I'll stay behind since y'all are in love, also I have a dead fiance and it's my fault or whatever. Just promise that you'll eventually say words to each other and shit.

JESSICA HENWICK

(looking at pod)

I think both of us could probably squeeze in there, it seems roomy enough. And I could help you start a new life afterwards, take you under my "Wing", heh heh

KRISTEN STEWART

WE SAID NO IRON FIST JOKES JESSICA, DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT SAVING YOU

(stuffs Jessica and John into pods)

(ejects pods)

(punches Finn Jones in face)

GIANT BEASTIE

OOOH LOOK EVERYONE, TIME TO TAKE THE ESCAPE POD CHALLENGE

(launches swarm of mini-beasties!)

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh no you don't. Now where's that "overload central core" button...

KRISTEN makes everything EXPLODE while in her UNDERWEAR!!

GIANT BEASTIE

AAARGH BOTH KEYWORDS AT ONCE, I AM DEFEATED

(dies)

END