FADE IN:

INT. SPACE STATION

DR. SAM NEILL is having a spacemare.

SAM’S DEAD WIFE

(is naked)

SAM NEILL

As nightmares go this isn’t so bad.

SAM’S DEAD WIFE

(opens eyes)

(has no eyes in her eye sockets)

SAM NEILL

Hmm... not my usual kink, but a hole is a hole oops I mean EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

INT. RESCUE SPACESHIP “LEWIS & CLARK”

SAM wakes up from his MATRIX POD.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Greetings Sam, I'm the captain with a tortured past. Let me introduce you to my crew.

JOELY RICHARDSON

I’m the British chick.

JASON ISAACS

I’m the British guy and also a doctor who is even more British.

KATHLEEN QUINLAN

My son is a cripple.

RICHARD T. JONES

I’m the wisecracking clown who is a walking erection.

SEAN PERTWEE

I’m the OTHER British guy and I die in every movie I’m in.

JACK NOSEWORTHY

And I’m the Jack Noseworthy!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

We’re answering a distress call from a scary ass ship Sam designed.

SAM NEILL

Yes, the Event Horizon. It has an experimental horror drive that has opened a door to a hell dimension.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Horror drive?

SAM NEILL

Whoops I meant gravity drive. Did I say horror drive? They sound so similar.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Wait what was that about a hell dimens--

INT. EVENT HORIZON

LAURENCE’s ship docks with the Event Horizon and the crew sees all the dated 90s floaty Zero-G effects.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Most of this hasn’t held up very well but still looks way more realistic than Cats.

JACK reaches the ship’s Beryllium Sphere aka gravity drive which is surrounded by gothic rings and spiky pointy things.

JACK NOSEWORTHY

Now I know what the inside of the Hellraiser box looks like. Oh look, the gravity drive has turned into a Stargate full of black goo. You can’t not expect me to stick my hand in it. For science.

(is sucked inside hell portal)

RICHARD T. JONES

A hell shockwave damaged our ship so now we’re all on the Event Horizon and I pulled Jack out of the oily Stargate portal. Jack, what did you see in there?

JACK NOSEWORTHY

(terrified)

It was like being inside an internet comments section.

(airlocks himself)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I rescued Jack but now he looks like Emperor Palpatine fell into a pit of cheese graters. And now I’m seeing hallucinations of a guy I let burn to death.

KATHLEEN QUINLAN

And I’ve been seeing visions of my son and his freaky gimp legs.

SEAN PERTWEE

And I’ve been feeling like my final scene in this movie will be a footnote on my death reel. I mean seriously, for a movie about interdimensional hell demons my death is nowhere near as graphic as that time I got cooked alive and eaten in Doomsday.

JASON ISAACS

(checks his copy of the script)

Yeah I think they got our death scenes mixed up. Anyway I’ve translated the last transmission from the Event Horizon’s crew and it says we’re fucked.

JOELY RICHARDSON

And Kathleen and I have uncovered a video of the Event Horizon crew having a murder orgy pretty much confirming what Jason said.

SAM NEILL

And while you guys were talking the ship convinced me to become evil and gouge my eyes out so I gotta kill you all now.

KATHLEEN QUINLAN

(is killed)

SEAN PERTWEE

(is blown up)

JASON ISAACS

(is horrifically gutted)

(is then hung from the ceiling like a Christmas streamer)

RICHARD T. JONES

(is flung into outer space)

It’s cool, I’ll just Mary Poppins my way back to the ship!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Meanwhile I’m going to kill Sam with this comically large bolt gun! He’s blind so it shouldn’t be too hard.

(instantly loses bolt gun)

SAM NEILL

I stole the gun away from you somehow despite being eyeless. I’m like zatoichi up in this bitch. Now I’m going to activate the gravity drive and take us to the hell dimension where every day is murder orgy day and nothing is gluten free!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Bastard! You know I can’t eat gluten!

SAM NEILL

Yes, the ship told me. It knows all. It sees all. Including this ass whooping I’m about to give you.

SAM shoots at LAURENCE but misses because no eyes and is sucked into outer space while RICHARD WALL-E’s his way back into the ship.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

We’re going to blow up the neck of the ship and use the front compartment as an escape pod.

JOELY RICHARDSON

But if the ship is haunted doesn’t that include the front part too?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

No only the ass of the ship containing the gravity drive is haunted, the head is evil-free.

RICHARD T. JONES

But how do you know that?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Richard, I’m gonna need you to climb all the way out of my ass and just trust me on this.

LAURENCE primes some explosives but is forced into the gravity drive room by PINHEAD SAM NEILL WHAAAA??

PINHEAD SAM NEILL

Yes, the ship teleported me back on board and gave me back my eyes. Also I am covered in paper cuts for reasons.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

How and why?

PINHEAD SAM NEILL

Dude, it’s a hell ship. Don’t ask questions. Oh, remember that ass whooping I promised you?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(is pummeled with comical sound effects)

PINHEAD SAM NEILL

Now instead of killing you I’m going to beam disturbing murder orgy clips inside your brain.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Yes, that hurts much more than being disemboweled so please don’t do that.

PINHEAD SAM NEILL

Of course I won’t. It’s not like you’ve been holding a detonator all this time, because the ship would know that, because it knows everything, so you’re not about to blow yourself up. No way no how.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(blows himself up)

The ASS of the ship is banished to the hell dimension while JOELY and RICHARD escape in the front part of the ship which is not haunted.

OR IS IT?

JOELY RICHARDSON

No no no I just woke up from a bad jump scare where I dreamed Pinhead Sam was here, but he’s not because he’s dead.

RICHARD T. JONES

But you never saw Sam in his Pinhead form so how did you know he had a Pinhead form?

JOELY RICHARDSON

Richard, I’m gonna need you to crawl all the way out of my ass and just let us have a happy ending.

JACK NOSEWORTHY

(will be disfigured and in crippling pain for the rest of his life)

JOELY RICHARDSON

A happy ending for most of us I mean.

END