FADE IN:

INT. UNDERGROUND CONCRETE ROOM OF DEATH

CHARLIZE THERON and her ENTIRE CREW lie bloodily on the FLOOR, DEADER than RED REDEMPTION.

CHARLIZE THERON (V/O)

Ah, this fun device. Right now you're wondering, how far back are we gonna rewind? How long before we catch up to where we started? Place your bets, the over/under is Three Days Earlier.

EXT. MOROCCO - AN UNDETERMINED TIME EARLIER, LOOKS LIKE YOU GOTTA KEEP WONDERING

CHARLIZE is casually megawatting her way through the city when she is approached motorbike-jauntily by MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS who has lined up a NEW JOB for their team.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

I know we never repeat clients but this job concerns horrible injustice against young girls, which as you know is a SUPER rare crime that almost never happens anywhere on Earth. So don't think this violation of our rules is the prelude to any kind of betrayal, ha ha ha.

CHARLIZE THERON

And since the client in question is Chiwetel Ejiofor, I'm sure he has no larger part to play in the story... Okay, let's do it.

They gather LUCA MARINELLI and MARWAN KENZARI, the other members of the OLD GUARD.

MARWAN KENZARI

I'm glad you haven't given up on doing good, Charlize. I know you've been a bit down on the whole idea, what with

(gestures at entire world)

CHARLIZE THERON

It's just like, sometimes, what's the point, y'know? How have things gotten any better since I started, way back in ancient times?

LUCA MARINELLI

You mean besides huge advances in medicine and technology and agriculture and life expectancy and video conferencing and sabermetrics and

CHARLIZE THERON

Yes yes, fuck off.

EXT. NEFARIOUS SINISTER BASE OF NEFARIOUSNESS - NIGHT

The OLD GUARD sneakily infiltrate the base by SWIFTLY MURDERING THE FUCK out of anyone they find. Beside a BUNKER they find a pile of SHOES along with a GIANT SIGN saying "FOR SALE, KIDNAPPED GIRLS' SHOES, GENTLY WORN" and a NEON ARROW pointing to the DOOR.

CHARLIZE THERON

Look sharp people. And check that your arsenal of ultra-modern and super-ancient weapons is ready to go.

Once in the bunker, FLOODLIGHTS snap on--it's a TRAP!! EVIL MERCS step out and SHOOT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT out of our heroes!

CHARLIZE THERON

Oh cool, we caught up to the start really early! Nice!

(collapses in bloody heap)

However as the MERCS begin lining up to do their END-ZONE VICTORY DANCE, the OLD GUARD begins to HEAL and STAND UP!

MERC

Holy shit they're not dead! How can you still be alive after we filled you full of holes... wait, are you all made of cake? That's it, isn't it. You're cake people! QUICK, EVERYONE BREAK OUT THE DESSERT FORKS

Sadly for the MERCS, our heroes are NOT made of cake but instead CANS OF WHUPASS! They begin DECIMATING everyone with GUNS and SWORDS and FISTS!

CHARLIZE THERON

AND MY AXE!!

(murders)

LUCA MARINELLI

Taste blunderbuss, asshole!!

(kills)

What? I really like blunderbusses.

After dispatching the MERCS, CHARLIZE spots there are CAMERAS everywhere and realizes they were SET UP -- either by CHIWETEL or CANDID CAMERA, which got them a few times in the 1950s and TO THIS DAY remains one of their BITTEREST ENEMIES.

EXT. MEANWHILE IN BRIGHT SUNNY AFGHANISTAN

Elsewhere, US Marine KIKI LAYNE leads her squad on an IMPORTANT MISSION into a random village.

KIKI LAYNE

Hello assorted villagers. We're looking for vital intel on how this scene connects to the main plot about immortal warriors who can recover from any lethal wound-

(throat slashed)

(dies)

Never mind.

INT. EVIL LIMOUSINE

CHIWETEL shows his recording of the OLD GUARD to rich evil pharmatwat HARRY MELLING.

HARRY MELLING

That's cute and all, but how does this help develop my superdrug? And yes, I was Dudley Dursley, let's take a moment to process that and now move on.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

But this is footage! Actual footage of action heroes healing fatal injuries, in seamless streaming with 4K HD resolution, for a low competitive monthly fee! Who could fake that?

HARRY MELLING

This may shock you but I'm unable to extract genetic material from a FUCKING PICTURE. I was kind of thinking you'd supply a LIVING ORGANISM of some kind.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Hm, to do that I'd need a traitor in the group who I already know about and who already helped me. Who could just send me samples of his blood and tissue without the team ever knowing and the whole rest of the plot would go fuck itself BUT THAT'S JUST SILLY HAHAHA DON'T LISTEN TO ME NEXT SCENE PLEASE

INT. US MILITARY BASE - AFGHANISTAN

At the base, everyone is convinced that KIKI is some kind of ZOMBIE VAMPIRE who can only be defeated by EXTREME RUDENESS. Just as she's about to be carted off by MPs, CHARLIZE appears and clobbers them!

CHARLIZE THERON

Me and my team saw you in a vision. Since all four of us were needed to storm a minimally-guarded bunker, I've come to extract you from this fully-staffed military base myself.

KIKI LAYNE

You may have just saved me from being a perpetual lab rat, but how do I know I can trust-

CHARLIZE shoots KIKI right in the BRAIN and then waits for her to heal.

CHARLIZE THERON

See? You're immortal now!

KIKI LAYNE

I'd be more impressed if I could remember what just happened. Which I could have done if you shot me anywhere but IN THE BRAIN.

CHARLIZE THERON

Mental note. I'll fix that next time around.

CHARLIZE gets KIKI on a DRUG PLANE bound for FRANCE.

CHARLIZE THERON

I know you're scared, confused, and don't trust me, so let's get some shuteye.

(falls asleep)

(snores loudly)

(wakes up with arm tied to beam)

WHAT THE-

KIKI LAYNE

That's right I'm commandeering the plane. Turn this hunk of crap towards Beale Street right the fuck now!

CHARLIZE uses her FREE HAND to shoot the PILOT!

CHARLIZE THERON

Now you gotta free me so I can land safely. I'm hoping you don't realize you could let this thing crash and then walk away, but you're still new at this after all.

KIKI frees CHARLIZE and it turns out the pilot was only PLAYING DEAD, thus freeing our leading ladies to GET THEIR MELEE ON!

CHARLIZE THERON

Okay, THIS time I'll maim you in ways where you remain conscious, and can fully appreciate your healing powers.

(turns KiKi's leg into bendy toy)

KIKI LAYNE

OW OW OW

(heals)

All right, I will consider your call to adventure. You'll have my decision in an hour or so.

INT. A CHURCH IN FRANCE

CHARLIZE introduces KIKI to MATTHIAS, LUCA, and MARWAN.

CHARLIZE THERON

Together we are... the Old Guard. We waited a few hundred years before calling ourselves that though. We started out as the New Kids on the Block, and HOO BOY am I glad we changed it in time.

KIKI LAYNE

So where are you all from?

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

My character turned immortal during the Napoleonic wars, but if you prefer you can pretend I'm literally Mr. Oak; it doesn't change the story and makes my Madding Crowd fans happy. I have spent the centuries adding new letters to my name.

MARWAN KENZARI

Luca and I are from the Crusades, and learned we were immortal after we killed each other in battle. Then we murdered each other some more, and now we're in love!

(smiles)

LUCA MARINELLI

It was a classic Eviscerate Cute.

(smiles)

KIKI LAYNE

And what about Charlize?

MARWAN KENZARI

Oh she's the oldest of all of us. TONS of backstory. I mean, we're gonna need two or three extended flashback sequences just to scratch the surface.

CHARLIZE and KIKI wander outside to do some of that very same surface-scratching.

CHARLIZE THERON

Living thousands of years brings a lot of heartbreak, kid. Way back when, I lost a dear companion when his healing powers suddenly vanished oh yeah that can happen to us any time lol anyway

(emotional pause)

After that it was just me and Veronica Ngo for a long while. We were close. Very very very very very very very close, right up until some superstitious bastards locked her in a metal box and threw it into the ocean.

(pause)

For decades I searched for her without success. Sure I found Patrick Swayze's surfboard and Leo DiCaprio's handcuffs, but...

(long pause)

And the misery didn't stop there. I bought this Maple Leafs jersey in 1968-

Just then EXPLOSIONS and SHOTS ring out from the church! They hurry back to find MATTHIAS lounging about on a chair with half his guts missing.

MATTHIAS SCHOENARTS

Ouch, looks like Mr. Oak got all hollowed out, heh heh. I'm a canoe! Heh.

KIKI LAYNE

What the fuck happened?!

MATTHIAS SCHOENARTS

Oh some mercs attacked and took Marwan and Luca. A bunch of them have arranged themselves at evenly spaced intervals in the church, suitable for a dynamic action scene, if anyone's interested.

CHARLIZE THERON

Don't mind if I do! KiKi, you wait here and watch Matthias's guts regrow themselves. It's even better than Dr. Pimple Popper, trust me.

INT. THE DIMLY LIT MAIN CHURCH

CHARLIZE smoothly maneuvers into position and prepares to RELEASE THE THERON.

CHARLIZE THERON

Now to fight these black-clad mercs in near-total darkness!

(adjusts hair)

(grumbles)

You'd think after three thousand years I'd have found a hairstyle that doesn't flop in front of my fucking eye.

CHARLIZE ATTACKS!! Most of the MERCS are quickly pummelled though ONE manages to stick a KNIFE in her SHOULDER!

CHARLIZE THERON

Ow! That hurt more than usual, hope I haven't lost my immortality!

(pause)

I guess that's why I still leap and dodge and shit instead of just walking through like a Terminator, you never can be quite sure.

She FINISHES OFF the MERCS but MARWAN and LUCA are GONE!

INT. BAD GUY VAN

Driving away from the scene, MARWAN and LUCA have indeed been kidnapped and are TIED UP in the back, surrounded by GUARDS. MARWAN checks that LUCA is healing properly.

GUARD

Har har, is he your boyfriend?

MARWAN KENZARI

Oh I see. You think this is gonna be the usual mass-market-film routine, where we subtlely hint at being gay while not actually doing visibly gay things, and keeping everything niiiice and vague so it can be edited out or ignored. Well NOPE! We are GAY AS FUCK and IN HUGE GAY LOVE WITH EACH OTHER and YOU CAN JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. Now for smooching!

(plants huge sloppy kiss on Luca)

GUARD

Oh. Well I guess we've all learned something important, maybe some of us will even grow as people.

LUCA MARINELLI

We're going to break free and beat you all to a pulp now.

GUARD

That's fair.

INT. HIDDEN FRENCH CAVE

CHARLIZE, MATTHIAS, and KIKI take refuge in one of the OLD GUARD'S backup hideouts, full of KEEPSAKES from their past exploits.

CHARLIZE THERON

We can lay low here a while. KiKi, if you move that stash of Rubik's Cubes and POGs you can clear a spot to sleep on. I'll be over here by the stacks of penny dreadfuls which, DO NOT MESS WITH IT, I'm only halfway through Varney the Vampire.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

And I've still got some boxes of Bazooka Joe to open up and search for comics I don't have yet. But before I do, KiKi, let me share something.

(gravely)

Immortality really sucks. It seems great but eventually everyone you know dies and it gets super depressing. You may even reach a place where you're just searching for an end to things, and oh I dunno, MIGHT even betray your whole squad on the off-chance some pharmasshole can, um, I've said too much. G'night!

INT. MELLING TOWER WHICH IS NOT AT ALL BASED OFF STARK TOWER WE PROMISE

LUCA and MARWAN, who did indeed beat up those guards but were unable to punch their way out of an ARMOURED VAN, are brought before HARRY MELLING.

MARWAN KENZARI

Well you got us. Now what is your evil plan, you bastard?!?

HARRY MELLING

(glares evilly)

I want to study your DNA and see if I can develop a cure for all known disease.

(cackles)

LUCA MARINELLI

That sounds... like a good idea actually.

HARRY MELLING

Oh, but I'm going to do it in the MOST DICKISH WAY POSSIBLE!!! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Wha?! You said you'd take a few samples, then pay them handsomely to come back every so often if you need fresh ones. And like I said earlier, I'm sure Matthias will happily provide

HARRY MELLING

GODDAMMIT MAN THIS MOVIE NEEDS A BIG BAD OKAY. Lock those two up in our labs! But for the love of God DO NOT SEPARATE THEM, jut in case their plucky banter is the source of their powers.

INT. A RANDOM SEXY FRENCH PHARMACY

CHARLIZE goes to get SEXY FIRST AID SUPPLIES for her SEXY SHOULDER WOUND, which has NOT HEALED OH SEXY SHIT! She approaches the SEXY CHECKOUT and CHECKS OUT the SEXY FRENCH PHARMACISTRESS.

CHARLIZE THERON

Okay what the fuck is going on?

PHARMACISTRESS

You must know that by law, every French town has a Super Sexy District where everything is super sexy. ESPECIALLY in movies. Now if you like, I can tend to your wound.

(bats eyes)

CHARLIZE THERON

...in a sexy fashion?

PHARMACISTRESS

Um, DURRRRRRRRRRRR?!?

(makes "derp" face, sexily)

CHARLIZE THERON

Cool.

CHARLIZE gets her wound patched up, grabs some SEXY DILL PICKLE CHIPS for the gang, pays with SEXY INTERAC, collects her SEXY RECEIPT and heads back to base ACTION-STYLE, as we return to the main movie.

INT. BACK AT THE HIDEOUT

CHARLIZE returns and catches KIKI about to use her IPHONE to call her FAMILY.

CHARLIZE THERON

I'm sorry KiKi, you have to give that all up. Your family, your Discord channels, your in-game purchases, everything.

KIKI LAYNE

And I was JUST getting the hang of TikTok...

(grimaces)

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Oh hey! Using our random spare cave equipment I've tracked down Chiwetel, the elite computer security wizard, in yet another totally non-suspicious way. We should go confront him! I've taken the liberty of preparing everyone's guns.

(hands water pistols to Charlize & KiKi)

KIKI LAYNE

I dunno Charlize. I've seen how this life has turned you into an unstoppable ass-kicking charisma beacon, I'm not sure if I want that. Call to adventure: REFUSED.

(leaves)

INT. CHIWETEL'S SPIFFY HOUSE

CHARLIZE and MATTHIAS enter the house and find CHIWETEL admiring his BIG BOARD OF CHARLIZE THEROICS.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Ah there you are. I've tracked down your complete historical record, and somehow condensed thousands of years of your life onto these couple of bulletin boards. I've devoted myself to learning your secrets.

(pause)

You see, my wife died of a degenerative disease, the kind of situation that inspires 97% of movie brainiacs to go evil. At least I have the emotive chops to sell it.

As CHARLIZE absorbs this information she suddenly absorbs a BULLET from MATTHIAS!

CHARLIZE THERON

You asshole, I don't heal anymore! At least you shot me non-fatally even though you believed I still had my powers.

(collapses)

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Whaaa?! Hey I agreed to locking her into a lab forever, not actually wounding her! What the fuck?!

HARRY MELLING and his GOONS arrive and GRAB our heroes, oh noes!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Now see here Harry. I'm having second thoughts about double-crossing these people who are blatantly the heroes of this tale. I still don't see why you have to be SO outrageously evil about this...

HARRY MELLING

Don't pull a goddamn Lando on me now! Just stay here, chill, and don't compromise my plans whatsoever despite having plenty of ways to do exactly that. Byyeeeee

They all LEAVE and soon after, KIKI arrives!

KIKI LAYNE

I realized that water guns only shoot water and Matthias was setting us up. But now I have a real gun so talk!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

I will, in fact I'm now full of remorse and will be your ally. My ID card will give you full access to Harry's building, even parts the head of computer security has no business being in.

(gives card)

And this bald dude with a computer on his head will also help. Now let me fetch my suave cape-

KIKI LAYNE

Or you could fuck off now. Call to adventure: BACK ON!!

(leaves)

INT. PHARMADOUCHE HQ

KIKI takes an elevator to the upper floors, centering herself and giving us a chance to see that EAR PIERCINGS do NOT retroactively heal themselves if you got them BEFORE turning immortal. Huh!

KIKI LAYNE

Hm, three guards around this corner. I could leap out shooting, OR let them gun me down, play possum while everyone in the security room gathers round the monitors, lose the element of surprise, THEN leap up and start shooting... well seems pretty clear-cut to me!

(does the second thing)

KIKI shoots her way further into the building but drops CHARLIZE'S AXE that she brought along! It is found by HARRY!

HARRY MELLING

Nyah ha, now I am SURELY formidable enough to take on Charlize in single combat! Nyah ha ha. Yep.

(sighs)

KIKI manages to find the LAB where EACH AND EVERY ONE of the OLD GUARD has been strapped down side-by-side, yay! She FREES them!

MARWAN KENZARI

I say we leave Matthias here, the filthy traitor! After all it was his idea to be experimented on to perhaps unlock the secrets of our immortality so really, we'd be giving him what he wants so I say we TAKE HIM ALONG, the filthy traitor!!

MATTHIAS SHOENAERTS

I too have regrets now. Let me help you escape, then you can exact whatever revenge you think is fair. Except for my bubble gum stash please.

CHARLIZE THERON

Honestly I'm feeling kind of bummed about this whole situation...

KIKI LAYNE

You can't give up now Charlize. You gotta keep fighting and you gotta let Matthias help. Do I have to remind you of the motivational phrase you said earlier?

(pause)

Seriously, do I have to? Because they also used it in Avengers Endgame and maybe we should just...

CHARLIZE THERON

(actual line)

Whatever it takes.

KIKI LAYNE

(sighs)

Whatever it takes.

LUCA & MARWAN & MATTHIAS

(nod)

Whatever it takes.

CHRIS EVANS & SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(nod)

Whatever it takes.

IMAGINE DRAGONS

(nod)

Whatever it takes.

SHANE WEST & JODI LYN O'KEEFE

(nod)

Whatever It Takes.

2018 CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

(nod)

#WhateverItTakes

CHARLIZE THERON

(pause)

Okay let's go kill some more fuckers.

The GUARD BUST OUT of the LAB and start KILLING SOME MORE FUCKERS!!

MARWEN KENZARI

(absorbing damage)

It is neat how our healing powers mean the baddies don't have to be godawful shots for us to win. Respect!

LUCA FARINELLI

(tanking)

And even though Charlize lost her healing, we can shield her with our still-immortal bodies while she shoots people dead!

CHARLIZE THERON

Um I believe we're called the Old Guard and not the Boring-Ass Play-it-Safe Loser Guard? AWW YYEAHHH

(charges into battle)

CHARLIZE races off and continues LAYING WASTE to MERCENARY GOOBERS and also a STAGE BOSS!! Meanwhile MARWAN and LUCA face off against a HEAD OF SECURITY who's been air-dropped in to give the BAD GUYS a credible physical threat. The HEAD OF SECURITY takes on MARWAN and LUCA, wipes the FLOOR with them, shoots LUCA straight through the FUCKING HEAD but then coughs on some smoke and leaves.

INT. PENTHOUSE LEVEL

Our heroes regroup just down the hall from the PENTHOUSE ENTRANCE.

CHARLIZE THERON

Okay, let's do the tactic like in Sao Paolo in '34.

KIKI LAYNE

Whatever century I guess you're gonna go earlier, aren't you.

MARWAN KENZANI

Well in this case it's 1834, when we also stormed a pharmatech skyscraper penthouse. Here goes!

Inside, EVERY SINGLE LAST BAD GUY has their gun pointed directly at the PENTHOUSE DOOR in an impressive display of EGG-BASKET-STUFFING, while absolutely NOBODY so much as LOOKS towards the GIANT GLASS WINDOWS, like did NONE of these people see the first CAPTAIN AMERICA? DIE HARD? Hell even HOBBES & SHAW did this stunt.

LUCA, MARWAN & MATTHIAS

(smashing through windows)

Surpriiiise!!

In the MAYHEM, CHARLIZE and KIKI bust through the DOOR and help SLAUGHTER the remaining MERCS, and MARWAN finishes off HEAD OF SECURITY GUY with an unexpectedly SUPER brutal NECK-SNAPPING DROP MOVE, like DAMN, when did THE RAID fight choreographers get here.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Look, the elevator is going down, that must be where Harry went! All the secondary characters chase after this elevator!!

(rushes off)

CHARLIZE THERON

Looks like just you and me up here, KiKi. Too bad we'll miss the final showdown.

KIKI LAYNE

Yep, it's a shame OHMIGOD IT'S HARRY MELLING WHAAAAAT?!!?!?!????

HARRY MELLING

It is I! And I decided to swap the axe for a basic gun that I maybe know how to use. Guess I can start shooting you two right now.

CHARLIZE THERON

Hey KiKi, remember the trick I did with the Russian pilot?

(winks)

KIKI LAYNE

Yes, but how does that help...

CHARLIZE THERON

(winks harder)

KIKI LAYNE

. . .

CHARLIZE THERON

(wrenches entire face with emphatic wink)

KIKI LAYNE

I shoot you and you play dead? Why would I do that, and how does it change what Harry would-

HARRY MELLING

Hey you can't shoot Charlize! Only I get to do that!

(shoots KiKi)

CHARLIZE THERON

A-ha, now I can grab my axe and slice you up good!

(embeds axe in Harry's neck)

This was much better than simply letting KiKi shoot you.

HARRY MELLING

(gurgling blood)

Urk, ack. But I... can still... indicate that... I want to... shoot... you... someday...

CHARLIZE THERON

Harry... YOU'RE FIRED!

(winks to KiKi)

KIKI LAYNE

Oh, fine.

(grabs Harry)

(leaps out window!)

KIKI and HARRY dramatically FALL FIFTY-ODD STORIES and go SMOOSH onto a CAR!!

KIKI LAYNE

(mangled)

So this is what silly string feels like.

(pause)

Okay but what if my head got taken off, does my body grow a new head, or my head grow a new body? What if the fall cut me neatly in half lengthwise? Or what if I wound up in three dozen roughly equal-sized chunks of corpse, then...

THE OLD GUARD

We won, hooray! Great work KiKi!

(scoop KiKi into different car)

(drive off)

EXT. A NICE TAVERN BY THE BEACH

CHARLIZE meets MATTHIAS to give him the group's verdict.

CHARLIZE THERON

You're cut off for 100 years, then you're back on the team. Assuming nobody else's immortality switches off between now and then.

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

And I guess this is it for you, huh. Now that you're back to aging and shit.

CHARLIZE THERON

Oh I'm not so sure. I have a sliiight hunch this juuuust miiight not be the last that people hear of our epic tale.

(winks)

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Understood. I'll ponder on that subtle hint as we fade to black-

CHARLIZE THERON

Fade to black? No no not fucking yet.

INT. CHIWETEL'S HOUSE

The REVISED AND UPDATED GUARD appear in CHIWETEL'S BIG BULLETIN BOARD ROOM!

KIKI LAYNE

So here's the deal. We're going to keep doing good deeds all over the world, getting into ever more outlandish scrapes!

CHARLIZE THERON

And every hero team needs a hacker God nowadays, so you're it. Tune in next season for the New Adventures of the Old Guard!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Helping the helpless as immortal warriors fighting from the shadows, I get it. Um... how Angel do you wanna make this?

CHARLIZE THERON

Well we already did the caged immortal thrown into the lake bit, so...

(actual line)

Let's go to work.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK AND TITLE CARD, BUT THEN FOLLOWED BY--

INT. SIX MONTHS LATER

MATTHIAS returns home to find an unexpected visitor, NAMELY:

VERONICA NGO

Surprise it's me, WHAAA?!? Looks like the story is NOT QUITE-

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

Yes I think the sequel hook is most thoroughly baited now, can we stop?

VERONICA NGO

(frowns)

NETFLIX POP-UP WINDOW -- IF YOU ENJOYED THIS MOVIE MAY WE RECOMMEND "DARK"? YOU NEED SEVERAL EXCEL SPREADSHEETS HANDY BUT IT'S SO WORTH IT

END