EXT. A BARN IN SOME RURAL PLACE CALLED "CHARLOTTE" BUT IS ACTUALLY IN MOORESVILLE BY THE ASHLEY FURNITURE STORE.

Car dealer RANDY QUAID, who is definitely not RICK HENDRICK, drives up with the radio on.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

Missing from today's race is legendary crew chief Robert Duvall, who retired after his driver, Buddy Guy, died in an accident here last year. You're listening to the Exposition Radio Network.

RANDY QUAID gets out and approaches ROBERT DUVALL.

RANDY QUAID

I'm looking to start a new team, and I want you to be the crew chief and build the car. Come check out my driver.

ROBERT DUVALL

No, I quit to avoid investigation when Buddy died in one of my cars.

RANDY QUAID

They're willing to skip investigating you if you return.

ROBERT DUVALL

So they let me avoid investigation by quitting, and now I can just un-quit? Damn, they're even more crooked than the real Nascar!

EXT. EMPTY CHARLOTTE MOTOR SPEEDWAY

TOM CRUISE, who is definitely not TIM RICHMOND, rides in on a MOTORCYCLE to establish how REBELLIOUS he is.

TOM CRUISE

Hi, I've never run anything but open-wheeled cars, but I've watched Nascar on TV!

ROBERT DUVALL

And I'm Harry Hyd- I mean, Harry Hogge.

(To Robert Duvall)

Where did you say he was from, again?

RANDY QUAID

California.

ROBERT DUVALL

(Faints)

MICHAEL ROOKER

And I'm Dale Earnhard- I mean, Rowdy Burns. I'll let you borrow my racecar for this test, but if you so much as dent it, I'll put four holes in you and use you as a restrictor plate.

ROBERT DUVALL

(Getting up)

We can't let him drive this car!

TOM CRUISE

Pleeeease?

ROBERT DUVALL

Well, when you put it that way...

TOM CRUISE drives a stock car for the FIRST TIME EVER and all but breaks the LAND SPEED RECORD. He screeches to a halt in his pit stall just in front of a guy holding up a sign with the car number on it.

TOM CRUISE

Holy shit, this guy is risking his life to mark my pit stall? For a test run?

ROBERT DUVALL

Eh, it's not like anyone's died doing that...yet.

JOHN C. REILLY

Hey man, that was an awesome run! Shake 'n Bake!

EXT. PHOENIX RACEWAY

It's TOM'S first race. MICHAEL ROOKER bumps him because HE CAN.

TOM CRUISE

(Into radio)

He hit me!

ROBERT DUVALL

(Into radio)

He didn't hit ya. He rubbed ya. And rubbin' is racin'!

TOM CRUISE

Well he almost rubbed one out...of this race!

A few laps later, TOM pulls into the pits ALL BUT RUBBED OUT.

ROBERT DUVALL

I want you to go out there and hit the pace car! You've hit everything else out there, I want you to be perfect!

TOM CRUISE

What a stupid line! No one would ever say that in real life.

ROBERT DUVALL

The real Harry Hyde said it to Buddy Baker.

TOM CRUISE

(Driving off)

Dammit! How's a guy supposed to make fun of the absurdities of this movie if they all happened anyway?

We see TOM crashing at BRISTOL and DOVER. At ROCKINGHAM, MICHAEL rubs off on him yet again.

TOM CRUISE

I need to pit.

ROBERT DUVALL

No good, we're eating ice cream.

TOM CRUISE

Ice cream?! Now that one's unrealistic bullshit for sure!

ROBERT DUVALL

Nope, it happened with the real Harry Hyde again. Also, we're not saving any for you.

TOM pulls over, gets out of his car, and ATTACKS HIS PIT CREW.

ROBERT DUVALL

Finally, something too stupid to have actually happened!

INT. QUAID MOTORSPORTS BREAKROOM

RANDY QUAID

I've seen teams suck before, but we're the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

TOM CRUISE

It's not my fault, these cars run like they were assembled by hand in a barn!

ROBERT DUVALL

Why aren't you giving us more feedback on how the car is handling?

TOM CRUISE

Because...uh...I don't have a damn clue what you're saying.

ROBERT DUVALL

Come on now, my accent ain't THAT heavy!

TOM CRUISE

No, I mean I don't understand a word of the jargon. What's a "car?"

ROBERT DUVALL

How have you made it this far? Time for a test session.

EXT. UNNAMED TRACK

ROBERT DUVALL

That was a good run. Now you know to turn left instead of right. Next up: Stock cars are different from open-wheel cars.

TOM CRUISE

(Smacking forehead)

No way! Somehow I've never realized this!

ROBERT DUVALL

Uh, the real Harry Hyde actually did have to teach Tim Richmond about that.

TOM CRUISE

Dammit!

EXT. DARLINGTON RACEWAY

Using what ROBERT taught him, TOM is now rocketing towards the front as the race draws to a close.

TRACK ANNOUNCER

"The Lady in Black?" "Darlington Stripes?" No, everything that makes this track great is too complicated. We're just going to completely make up something about Turn 4 being really dangerous!

TOM is just behind race leader MICHAEL ROOKER.

ROBERT DUVALL

(On headset)

OK, when everyone else slows down in Turn 4, you go by them on the outside. You can do it, I gave you special tires and blinker fluid on our last stop.

TOM CRUISE

But you said not to go to the outside on Turn 4!

RANDY QUAID

He can't go to the outside in Turn 4, he'll die!

MICHAEL ROOKER

He doesn't have the balls to pass me on the outside on Turn 4.

TOM PASSES MICHAEL ON THE OUTSIDE IN TURN 4 to WIN! In VICTORY LANE, ROBERT DUVALL admits that he didn't give him illegal equipment.

TOM CRUISE

What? I can't believe you'd do such a thing!

ROBERT DUVALL

I had to do something to calm you down.

TOM CRUISE

No, I mean I can't believe you'd use such a stupid old sports movie cliché!

RANDY QUAID

We've got ourselves a WEIRDLY INSTANT SPONSOR!

INT. TEAM HAULER

ROBERT DUVALL

...and that's how I lost a fortune.

TOM CRUISE

(Drunk)

I lost a lot too. The real reason I left open-wheel racing was...the team owner was a conman who went to jail!

"Dun-dun-DUNNN" is heard. LIGHTNING flashes outside.

ROBERT DUVALL

Aw, that's nothing to be ashamed of, some lowlife putting you in that position!

TOM CRUISE

Well, it wouldn'y be if that lowlife wasn't...MY FATHER!

"Dun-dun-DUNNN" is heard again. LIGHTNING flashes outside again.

ROBERT DUVALL

You even have daddy issues? Is there anything in this movie that's not in Top Gun?

JOHN C. REILLY

Hey, I have daddy issues, too! Buddy Guy was my father!

TOM CRUISE

That's a big revelation that I really should have known about by now. Let's never bring it up again.

There is some BULLSHIT with a STRIPPER COP that MOSTLY ACTUALLY HAPPENED before we cut to...

EXT. DAYTONA INTERNATIONAL SPEEDWAY

TRACK ANNOUNCER

Tom Cruise is the favorite to win today. He's won an unprecedented five of the last six races. Would've been nice to have seen them...

There is more JOCKEYING FOR POSITION between MICHAEL and TOM, until...

ROBERT DUVALL

(On headset)

There's a crash ahead!

TOM CRUISE

I see it!

TOM WRECKS anyways. His car SLAMS into MICHAEL'S. TOM's car then flips 200 times, pirouettes, bounces, gets hit by another car, and DOES THE CHA-CHA before stopping. TOM is AIRLIFTED to the HOSPITAL.

INT. HOSPITAL

Dr. NICHOLE KIDMAN attends to TOM.

TOM CRUISE

Jet washout...poor Goose...

NICOLE KIDMAN

His brain's so swollen that he won't be able to see until tomorrow. But we'll make a really big point of showing that he's very familiar with my voice before what happens next.

The next day, TOM mistakes NICOLE for a STRIPPER NURSE anyway.

TOM CRUISE

Didn't she have an Australian accent before?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oi! This bloke needs to shut his cakehole! I have no such accent, mate!

MICHAEL, who wasn't IMPORTANT enough for us to see being taken to the hospital, wheelchair-races TOM to...

INT. SOME KINDA BOARDROOM WITH BACKLIT DISPLAYS FOR X-RAYS

NICHOLE gives a presentation while TOM, MICHAEL, ROBERT, RANDY, and FRED THOMPSON watch.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

...so both their brains appear to be fine, even though one of them was only hours ago so swollen that he couldn't see. But let's keep them under observation for a week.

She exits. FRED THOMPSON, who is definitely not BILL FRANCE JR., turns to TOM and MICHAEL.

FRED THOMPSON

If you kill each other on one of my tracks, we'll have to actually raise safety standards. So if you two so much as touch on the racetrack again, I'll eat your cars for a snack. Now I'm going to make the two of you go to dinner with me.

TOM CRUISE

Dinner? That's so-

MICHAEL ROOKER

Real Bill France Jr., Dale Earnhardt, and Geoff Bodine.

TOM CRUISE

Dammit!

MICHAEL ROOKER

No matter, I've found a way that we can still violently race each other and only make it be the problem of some poor working stiffs.

They take RENTAL CARS and absolutely DESTROY them while racing each other along the LONGEST POSSIBLE ROUTE to their forced dinner, driving on the beach, into oncoming traffic, and over sidewalks and birds. They get out at the restaurant where TOM looks at MICHAEL expectantly.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Joe Weatherly and Curtis Turner did it in the 1950s.

TOM CRUISE

Heh, reality is so unrealistic. Anyway, wanton destruction of rental property has finally made us friends!

INT. QUAID MOTORSPORTS BREAKROOM

TOM is on the phone with NICHOLE KIDMAN.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

Wow, you've broken into my apparent and filled it with so many flowers and gifts that it makes me forget that we stole the idea from "UHF!"

TOM CRUISE

Let's go on a date. I'm calling from the team breakroom so that we can have wacky gags about me getting interr-

CARY ELWES

(Interrupting)

Hey, I'm Cary Elwes. I'll be the substitute driver while you're out. I'm giving off a creepy vibe so the audience won't like me.

TOM CRUISE

(Ignoring CARY)

You can say you're attending to a patient. I can even get Michael Rooker to show up so you can actually examine him.

INT. CHARLOTTE MOTOR SPEEDWAY INFIELD CARE CENTER

MICHAEL doesn't show up. NICHOLE examines TOM, who tries to KISS her in the middle of this but is DENIED. TWICE.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

You know, a lack of impulse control can be a sign of a badly injured brain. But you're cleared to race anyway.

TOM gets up to leave. NICHOLE THROWS HIM AGAINST THE WALL LIKE IT'S BRISTOL and GIVES HIM A VERY THOROUGH EXAMINATION INDEED.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

You're technically not my patient anymore, so it's allowed!

EXT. MICHAEL ROOKER'S FARM

TOM and NICHOLE ride in on TOM'S motorcycle WITHOUT HELMETS, because this movie is OUT OF FUCKS TO GIVE.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Hey y'all, welcome to my farm! Everything here is just fi-!

He FALLS OVER.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

Heeeeey, I don't think you've been just forgetting to go to your appointments with me after all!

MICHAEL ROOKER

At least I didn't throw up at the sight of my brain problems the way Tom just did! Tom, get back here you candy-ass!

TOM actually shoves CANDY into his mouth.

EXT. ATLANTA INTERNATIONAL RACEWAY

CARY ELWES did so well in his short stint as substitute driver that RANDY instantly created a new team out of THIN AIR just for him. But TOM is struggling on the racetrack.

TOM CRUISE

(On headset)

The setup is all screwy!

JOHN C. REILLY

What's wrong?

ROBERT DUVALL

We've reached the part of the Top Gun story arc where Tom realizes he's lost his confidence.

CARY ELWES rams TOM even though they're teammates because SOMEONE has to be his new rival. TOM's engine seems to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST, so he pulls into the pits.

ROBERT DUVALL

What happened?

TOM CRUISE

I dunno, someone hit me with a voodoo idol or something!

INT. ATLANTA GARAGE

TOM is on the phone with NICHOLE.

NICHOLE KIDMAN

The longer Michael goes untreated, the worse off he'll be. It's so urgent that I'm literally ignoring a trauma in the ER to tell you this.

RANDY QUAID walks up to ROBERT.

ROBERT DUVALL

Don't bother Tom right now, all of this is your fault.

RANDY QUAID

Huh?

ROBERT DUVALL

You can't own two cars! That's like... having two superhero movies in the theater at the same time! Next thing you know, there'll be teams that own...three or four cars!

RANDY QUAID

It's not such a problem for Cary.

ROBERT DUVALL

Yeah, he's ramming Tom all he wants. I see that Nascar is back to "boys, have at it!" And his character name? A driver named "Russ WHEELER?" Come on!

RANDY QUAID

You know you're driver's named after Dick Trickle, right?

"Knocking on Heaven's Door" plays in the background, because SUBTLETY is DEAD.

EXT. NORTH WILKESBORO SPEEDWAY

CARY rams TOM on pit road, blocks his pit stall, spins him on the track destroying his tires, and FARTS IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION before WINNING. TOM pulls into his pit stall.

TOM CRUISE

Change my tires even though the race is over. I'm definitely not going to use them to wreck Cary or anything.

TOM WRECKS CARY on his victory lap.

RANDY QUAID

Who would ever do such a stupid thing?

ROBERT DUVALL

Bill Elliot to Dale Earnhardt at the 1987 Winston.

RANDY QUAID

That's it, YOU'RE FIRED! TOM IS FIRED!

The PIT CREWS FIGHT each other.

RANDY QUAID

And all of you are definitely FIRED! You at home, you get a free FIRED!

EXT. HOTEL DROP-OFF AREA

TOM and NICOLE sit in a rental car discussing NOTHING before TOM risks EVERYTHING to violently street race a TAXI DRIVER who was kinda rude before NICOLE makes him stop.

NICOLE KIDMAN

That was horrible!

TOM CRUISE

Yeah, I'm really losing my touch as a driver if a taxicab can get away from me.

NICOLE KIDMAN

No, not the driving, the writing! One scene that's finally not stolen from Top Gun or real life, and it's just more racing with near-indestructible cars!

She STORMS OFF. TOM goes to a LAUNDROMAT that's conveniently RIGHT NEXT TO AN ACTIVE DIRT TRACK to give BACKGROUND to his QUIET CONTEMPLATION.

INT. MICHAEL ROOKER'S MANCAVE

TOM CRUISE

I'm here to take you to the hospital.

MICHAEL ROOKER

No, I'm fine. I've raced with a wild mix of injuries that real drivers drove with, this brain injury is nothing.

TOM CRUISE

How about if I threaten you with this baseball bat?

INT. HOSPITAL

TOM meets with MICHAEL post-examination.

MICHAEL ROOKER

What do you think? Should I let them give me life-saving surgery?

TOM CRUISE

Yes.

MICHAEL ROOKER

Then I need you to drive my car at Daytona.

TOM CRUISE

How come my substitute driver was picked without even consulting me, but you get to single-handedly pick yours?

MICHAEL ROOKER

Easy, my team ownership and sponsor situations are unclear enough to blur plot holes!

EXT. ROBERT'S MOORESVILLE BARN FOR HAND-CRAFTED ARTISANAL RACECARS

TOM, ROBERT, and JOHN C. REILLY share some beers until JOHN leaves, because he has no PURPOSE in this movie besides an accidental connection to TALLADEGA NIGHTS.

ROBERT DUVALL

You intentionally blew that engine in Atlanta, didn't you? You were scared.

TOM CRUISE

I wasn't s-s-s-scared!

ROBERT DUVALL

They say Buddy Guy started hearing voices telling him to get out of his racecar or he'd die.

TOM CRUISE

Oh, come on!

ROBERT DUVALL

It happened to the real Bobby Isaac, who actually quit mid-race once.

TOM CRUISE

Dammit! But Buddy didn't really have a heart attack, did he? He was knocked out by exhaust because of your car setup, and then he crashed!

"Dun-dun-DUNNN" is heard. LIGHTNING flashes outside.

ROBERT DUVALL

Bullshit! He was talking on the radio up until he crashed!

The THUNDERCLOUDS sheepishly clear up.

ROBERT DUVALL

You get back in that car and you'll die! I'm now the manifestation of your fears!

Lots of SHOVING and YELLING occurs. Then it stops.

TOM CRUISE

Pretty please? I basically have no life outside of this.

ROBERT DUVALL

Oh, same here. Let's go racin' again.

EXT. DAYTONA INTERNATIONAL SPEEDWAY

ROBERT talks softly to TOM's car pre-race like it's a HORSE. This may explain why he builds his cars in a BARN. NICHOLE returns and makes up with TOM. CARY ELWES takes an early lead, while TOM is DEAD LAST.

ROBERT DUVALL

(On headset)

There's a near-perfect recreation of the accident that sent you to the hospital in Turn 3!

TOM makes it through with LOTS OF COOL EDITING. WHITESNAKE MUSIC swells.

TOM CRUISE

(On headset)

That was literally the only thing I needed to completely beat my PTSD!

TOM is VERY SUDDENLY passing CARY for the lead. But CARY spins him, which badly damages TOM's transmission. He pulls into the pits as the CAUTION FLAG is thrown.

TOM CRUISE

No time to explain in a meaningful way! Just understand that we have 45 seconds to fix the most complicated part of the car!

MECHANIC

(Sliding under the car with a wrench)

Ooh-wee, looks like you messed your transmission up real good! And it ain't under warranty.

TOM CRUISE

Ugh, I'm not made of money or time. How about just do the highest gear?

He does that INSTANTLY. RANDY QUAID orders CARY's crew to help push the car up to a working gear, as the TOP GUN storyline says he must come FULL CIRCLE now. TOM makes it back onto the track just in time. He's SHOMEHOW challenging CARY for the lead with only a few laps remaining.

CARY ELWES

(On headset)

I know Tom, he'll try to pass me on the outside again!

TOM PASSES CARY ON THE INSIDE. This is seriously the CLIMATIC MOMENT of the entire film. TOM WINS, and NICOLE meets him at the VICTORY LANE celebration.

TOM CRUISE

I could marry you...for eleven years. Then maybe join a sci-fi cult.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Now press your greasy face and body against mine even though I'm wearing all white.

TOM looks at her expectantly.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Done in real life by every driver's wife or girlfriend since the invention of racing.

END.