The Abridged Script
FADE IN
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - 1970
CHRIS HEMSWORTH as JAMES HUNT struts around.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I'm a brash, English-accented alpha male who lives for the thrill of his dangerous profession. I'm a supreme egomaniac who solves problems with his fists, but I'm so good at what I do I can get away with it.
(pause)
I'm Thor. I'm Thor in a race car.
The DOCTOR examining CHRIS can't help but stroke his chest.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Like what you see? How about I take you home and race up and down your clitoris?
DOCTOR
What now? In the middle of my shift? With a waiting room full of patients?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Absolutely! We need to establish I'm an insatiable ladies man right away! And then we need to establish that every other scene.
EXT. CRYSTAL PALACE RACETRACK
CHRIS HEMSWORTH does more strutting with his manager CHRISTIAN MCKAY.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Who's that skinny twerp being played by Daniel Bruhl?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
That's Niki Lauda. Just ignore and belittle him. It's not like he's going to become one of the greatest racers of all time or anything.
DANIEL BRUHL
(narrating)
That was the first time I saw Chris Hemsworth. I'll always be remembered as his rival, although I can't understand why.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
(calling out)
Cunt!
DANIEL BRUHL
Asshole!
CHRIS and DANIEL race, but DANIEL loses after CHRIS puts him in a dangerous tailspin.
DANIEL BRUHL
Why did you do that? You could have gotten us both killed!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Would that be so bad? At least you wouldn't have to continue living as a cowardly cunt. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take off laughing with my friends like a cheerleader in a 90s teen movie.
(does so)
DANIEL BRUHL
You just wait buddy! This is a sports movie, and I'm the underdog! I can't wait till the big final race at the end where I shove my victory in your face! Right?
DIRECTOR RON HOWARD
...yeah.
EXT. AUSTRIA
DANIEL BRUHL
(narrating)
I didn't have the money, connections or the fame to race in the bigger leagues so I risked everything on one big bank loan. There's no tension about whether I can pay it off, because I'm brilliant at everything.
DANIEL meets the racing team he bought.
DANIEL BRUHL
This race car you got me is useless! I could build a better one out of cheese! Here let me make some adjustments.
MECHANIC
Easy dude. We've been doing this our entire-
DANIEL BRUHL
Well I can do it better! Not only am I the greatest race car driver on earth, but I am also the greatest engineer!
DANIEL's new design races perfectly.
MECHANIC
Jesus. Did Niki Lauda write this himself?
DANIEL BRUHL
...
MECHANIC
He didn't.
DANIEL BRUHL
He may have been a consultant for a draft or two.
MECHANIC
That explains a lot. Hey that reminds me. Aren't you going out with the track manager later tonight?
DANIEL BRUHL
Yeah. What about it?
MECHANIC
Well her last boyfriend was Chris Hemsworth, and I heard he was an immortal sex god with a seven inch long penis who kept her staring at the ceiling until Christmas. So you might be a little inadequate.
DANIEL BRUHL
...why on earth would you say that? Even if you were deliberately trying to antagonize me, I'm still your boss!
MECHANIC
Hey, I'm just trying to heighten the conflict between you and Chris.
DANIEL BRUHL
No you're not! You're taking our years-long conflict of split blood and exploding fuel and turning it into a dick measuring contest.
INT. HESKETH GARAGE
CHRIS is admiring his new race car.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
It's beautiful. An open aired coffin, surrounded by explosive petrol. A ride to Hell at over two hundred kilometers per hour. Almost no safety features, so you can have a clear view of Death as you spit in his face.
(remembers recent crash)
Oh God!
(throws up)
OLIVIA WILDE walks in.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Whatever you're going to do, could you please not? I'm in the middle of grappling with my anxieties.
OLIVIA WILDE
But I'm your romantic interest!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Why? I have plenty of character-based issues to work through!
OLIVIA WILDE
Because you've got to have a love interest if you're a protagonist! Otherwise the audience's tiny minds won't work out who to root for!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
But Daniel Bruhl has a much more interesting and endearing romantic subplot. Can't we cut this and spend more time on that?
OLIVIA WILDE
No! It is Movie Law!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Well alright, but how long is this going to take? I don't have all-
CHRIS and OLIVIA are married.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Whoa. Well THAT relationship had a lot of development to it.
EXT. ITALY
DANIEL BRUHL meets THE WOMAN COMFORTING A CRYING PERSON IN THAT CLIP OF HITLER RANTING THAT ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE WAS DOING GAG SUBS OF A FEW YEARS AGO ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA outside a party.
DANIEL BRUHL
Oh, hello. Fancy meeting you in these unusual but believable circumstances.
ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA
Indeed. It looks like our personalities are different enough to be intriguing, but not enough to make us laughably incompatible.
DANIEL BRUHL
And now we have an endearing romance! Neat!
(pause)
Are you getting this Hollywood?
DANIEL and ALEXANDRA get married.
DANIEL BRUHL
Oh no! By getting married, I've totally destroyed my entire life!
ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA
That's a great topic to bring up on your wedding night.
DANIEL BRUHL
Now that I have something to live for, I'll be less inclined to get in a horrible accident, and my racing is sure to suffer!
ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA
Won't NOT trying to turn into a flaming ball of wreckage help your career? Are Formula One drivers just suicidal depressives?
EXT. 1975 FORMULA ONE RACING CHAMPIONSHIP
DANIEL wins the CHAMPIONSHIP.
DANIEL BRUHL
Wait, that easy? There has to be more to my underdog story than-
INT. HESKETH GARAGE
CHRIS HEMSWORTH comes back to find the garage empty.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Christian! What the hell is happening?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
We missed the deadline for sponsors. Need Thor Speed is no more.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
And this is the first time you've told me about it? As opposed to say, before I came back to an empty garage?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
There was nothing I could do. We tried to find sponsors but they found your affinity for booze and women during the Championship disturbing.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Hey, if you'd actually told me about this several months before, I could have cleaned up my act and helped you find a sponsor.
At his lowest point, CHRIS drowns his sorrows in-
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Toy race cars? What the fuck?
DIRECTOR RON HOWARD
Hey, your only character traits are "Thor" and "Race Car". A third character trait would be gratuitous.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
But this is still ridiculous! We spent ages establishing me as an alcoholic and a hedonist. This is exactly the kind of scene where I can struggle with that!
OLIVIA WILDE
Chris, I know you're feeling down, but maybe you'd feel better if we went skiing.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Maybe you'd feel better if you crawled up your arse and died, you dumb bitch!
OLIVIA WILDE
Fuck you Chris! I'm going off to New York!
(leaves)
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
(muttering)
Good riddance. Try to show me love and kindness...
DIRECTOR RON HOWARD
Aren't you so glad we put that romantic subplot in?
CHRIS gets called in to a meeting with CHRISTIAN.
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
Chris, I've found some potential sponsors, but they want to see a sober gentleman. Have you conquered your alcoholism and womanizing?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
In just two scenes? Nah. I'm just going to beg the sponsors.
(to sponsors)
I'm straight and narrow now. Pretty please?
SPONSORS
Well, we're convinced!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Wow. We're just going through subplots like crack, aren't we?
EXT. 1976 FORMULA ONE RACING SEASON TRACKS
DANIEL BRUHL wins EVERY SINGLE RACE he sets eyes on.
ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA
So about that "destroyed my entire life" thing...
DANIEL BRUHL
Shut up.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
(muttering)
Fucking Daniel with his fucking car and his fucking victories. Thinks he's a better driver than me just because he's the best at "driving fast" and "not losing".
(opens newspaper)
Oh my God! Olivia's having an affair with Richard Burton! Why would she do that?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
Do you really need me to spell it out for you?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
You knew about this didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
I'm sorry Chris. With all the pressure you're going through I thought it would be best kept a secret.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
You thought you'd keep it a secret? Even though it's on the front page of the fucking newspaper? How long did you think that would last? You really need to stop shielding me from bad news until I smack face-first into it. Is there anything else you're hiding from me?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
Your parents both died in a horrific house fire. We didn't want to disturb you so we just left the charred corpses on your doorstep.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Dammit. Well, I'll just imply to the world's media that Olivia left me because she's a gold digger and go back to being this movie's likeable protagonist!
One of the DRIVERS' LEGS are broken in an accident. DANIEL holds a meeting.
DANIEL BRUHL
We need to cancel the upcoming race! This track is far too dangerous!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
With all the fiery accidents that have taken place, why does a broken leg have you so rattled?
DANIEL BRUHL
Because I only race when there's a less than twenty percent chance of death!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
But only one racer got injured. For this track to have a greater than twenty percent chance of death at least one in five racers would have to die. You clearly have no idea how statistics work.
DANIEL BRUHL
Nevertheless, this track is already notoriously dangerous. When you add the heavy rain it's a death trap. Cancelling the race is the only sane thing to do.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Well I think you're lying! This is clearly a ploy to stop me from beating you, even though I haven't won a single race against you all season except one I barely avoided getting disqualified for! It's on!
They RACE. DANIEL goes up in a FIREBALL.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Whoops.
INT. GERMAN HOSPITAL
DANIEL BRUHL is having his lungs drained of fluid.
DOCTOR
God, this process looks extremely painful. Nurse, would you mind turning on the television so Daniel has a distraction?
NURSE
Certainly. Oh look! It's the Formula One racing championship! The very thing that gave him horrific burns in the first place! How nice!
DOCTOR
It looks like his nemesis Chris is winning all the races he can't compete in. That should take his mind off his internal injuries.
DANIEL BRUHL
(screaming around tube)
RRRRRRGGHH! RRRRRRGGHH!
DOCTOR
His eyes are bulging! I think he likes it!
NURSE
I'll move him closer. Hey, do you know what I heard is great for rubbing into wounds? Salt.
EXT. 1976 JAPANESE GRAND PRIX
A JOURNALIST insults DANIEL'S scarred appearance. CHRIS shows his CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT by beating him into RAW MINCE.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I'm really sorry about getting you into that accident. I guess you hate me more than ever now.
DANIEL BRUHL
Surprisingly no. I'm actually beginning to see you more as a friend.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
What? Why?
DANIEL BRUHL
A doctor told me that a wise man gains more from his enemies than his friends, although I can't say what I've learned from your failed relationships and constant losing.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
And I've gained a respect for you too! I'm so glad this conflict is resolved!
(beat)
Oh crap. The movie is still going. What now?
DANIEL BRUHL
We continue racing each other, even though the tension between us has completely dissipated.
The RACE begins!
ALEXANDRA MARIA LARA
I think I've finally come to terms with Daniel's dangerous profession. After all, it was so inspiring to see him get back in the tournament after-
DANIEL BRUHL
I'm pulling out! Goodbye everybody!
(leaves after second lap)
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Damn! Now instead of racing against the most developed character in the film, I'm up against a bunch of racers we've never heard or seen before! It's like trading in Loki for a hundred Frost Giants.
CHRIS wins!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Yes! I won! Against a dozen unnamed extras! Who'd have guessed?
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
Awesome driving Chris! I can't wait to see you do it again next year!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Actually I think I'm gonna scale back on the whole racing thing. Now that I've won the championship, I no longer have to prove I'm the greatest driver in the world.
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
You mean the greatest driver in the world after your biggest competitor is horrifically injured?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Who cares? Time for endorsements!
DANIEL BRUHL
(narrating)
That was one of the last times I saw Chris Hemsworth. I still don't know why people called us rivals, despite the entire movie establishing exactly that.
RON HOWARD'S FANBASE continue caring about FORMULA ONE until they leave the THEATRE.
END.
