FADE IN:

EXT. OCEAN BENEATH ARCTIC ICE (NOTE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS, EARTH USED TO HAVE COLD THINGS)

A super swanky RUSSIAN STEALTH SUB is busy being the very best sub ever, because we all know RUSSIA has the most powerful amazingest military of anyone, wink wink.

SUB CAPTAIN

Mwah ha, our sub is the deadliest and stealthiest ever, just like Red October. And we start speaking in Russian and then transition to Russian-accented English, just like Hunt for Red October.

RADAR GUY

Keptin! Another nuclear wessel is on scope! Its range changes drastically in a split-second and it fires missiles: impossibly, either there's some brain-meltingly advanced tech out there or something is messing with our instruments!

SUB CAPTAIN

Well I know which option I find more plausible, FIRE EVERYTHING!!

RADAR GUY

Missiles away! Oops, the target vanished and their missiles vanished and our own missile is looping back at us and we can't abort or do anything about it!

SUB CAPTAIN

Wow, something with such thorough control of our systems that wanted us dead could probably have just popped a hatch or something. But at least this way we get a moment to appreciate being the ironic authors of our own demise-

(kablooey!)

The SUB SINKS and dozens of dead sailors float upwards, two of whom are wearing a really fetching pair of FRIENDSHIP LOCKET NECKLACES which will also be our MACGUFFIN for the next two (!) movies, why would we be all boring chasing a DISC or a LIST when it can have some kind of style to it amirite?

INT. BIG SHADOWY ROOM SOMEWHERE

An UBEREATS GUY makes a delivery to the ominous shadowy room.

UBEREATS GUY

Here you are Mr. Cruise, I know you're hiding in the shadow all dramatically but I can see your nose sticking out.

TOM CRUISE

(emerging)

Right. Welcome to the IMF now fuck off.

Inside the UBEREATS BAG is actually OVERPRICED MISSION BRIEFING DOCUMENTS and a LABOUR-EXPLOITING AUDIO TAPE!

HENRY CZERNY

(on tape)

Hello Tom. I've chosen you for this mission even though you go rogue EVERY DAMN TIME and we even comment in the movie how you go rogue EVERY DAMN TIME but I'm giving you another chance because of how you Saved Movie Theatres™

(makes jerk-off motion somehow perceptible on audio tape)

Anyhoo those necklaces from the intro fit together into a key. Rebecca Ferguson has found half the key but went rogue, so YMSYCTAI is to find her and bring the half-key to me. Also, please don't go rogue. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds unless you're a person who listens to everything at 1.5x speed in which case it will probably already have self-

(tape destructs)

EXT. THE SAHARA OR WHATEVER

TOM reaches a DESERT COMPOUND and starts SHOOTING GOONS!

TOM CRUISE

(murdering)

That's what you get for not being attractive babes who might fall enigmatically in love with me!

(freezes)

Oh noes, it's Rebecca, facedown on the ground with no visible injuries! Is she...

But before we learn the answer we CUT TO-

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

A regular human GUY WITH TOM CRUISE'S HEIGHT AND BUILD BUT AN UNKNOWN CHARACTER ACTOR FACE WOW GOSH WHO COULD THIS BE makes his way through the HQ to a classified briefing room.

CARY ELWES

I've called this meeting to explain the main threat to the audience, and since we need to fill two movies I've asked all dozen of you to take turns explaining. Henry?

HENRY CZERNY

Our Big Bad is essentially Ultron but without the robot body to snark at us. Or a more evil Mrs. Davis if you happened to watch that. Um, ChatGPT-Virus? Someone else try.

INDIRA VARMA

Right. The main villain is a malevolent AI called The Entity. It's depicted as this all-seeing glowing eyeball that uses its powers of deception and manipulation, as well as its human minions, to enact its evil will upon the world, which means that this is a Mission: Impossible movie where we straight-up fight Sauron.

CHARLES PARNELL

The Entity has already demonstrated it could kill everyone but then didn't, mostly to make the audience wonder why it doesn't just kill everyone every time the heroes cause trouble.

But just then the GUY smokebombs everyone but HENRY, and it is in fact (gasp!) TOM CRUISE!

TOM CRUISE

Right, first let me get you up to speed with flashbacks from five minutes ago, holy FUCK why did me make this a two-parter.

FIVE MINUTES AGO TOM CRUISE

Oh noes, it's Rebecca, facedown on the ground with no visible injuries! Is she... DEAD haha of course not she's fine.

RIGHT NOW TOM CRUISE

Anyway now that I know what we're up against, it's clear I can't trust you or any government to do the right thing. It is, shockingly, all up to me!

HENRY CZERNY

So I guess you've decided to...

(full body yawn)

...go rogue

TOM CRUISE

YOU KNOW IT!! Just me and my best buddies who ALSO always go rogue, and our fuckload of spy equipment and gear and resources that we have because ALL OF IT WENT ROGUE, plus our endless bank accounts ALSO ROGUE THANK YOU

TOM disguises as HENRY and escapes into the OPENING CREDITS aka the LALO SCHIFRIN APPRECIATION MINUTE! DOO-DOO DOOOOOOO!!! DOO-DOO DOOOOOOOOOO!! DOO-DOO DOOOOOOOO! DOO DOO!

INT. GOOD GUY HIDEOUT

TOM meets up with his own personal international spy organization, SIMON PEGG and VING RHAMES.

TOM CRUISE

We don't know where the other half of the key is, or what it opens, or what the Entity's plan is. But! We do have the one piece of information that we always have, which is that there's a BUYER at...

(draws card from Location deck)

The Airport!

VING RHAMES

You know the drill, I'm already there sitting at a computer and I'm not fucking moving.

SIMON PEGG

Hm I barely have anything to do in this scene. Or this movie but whatevs. Ooh, let's say there's a NUCLEAR BOMB too!

(dashes out)

(calling from off-screen)

Oh fuck it can only be deactivated by puzzles!! Must use my wits to survive!

(pause)

And this final lock can only be opened by strikingly accurate celebrity impersonations! Ahem. Okay, here's Michael Caine ordering a Cornetto-

TOM CRUISE

What the fuck is he on about?

VING RHAMES

(waves hand dismissively)

It's nothing, Simon just wants to feel included.

INT. THE AIRPORT

Also at the airport is SHEA WHIGHAM playing the FRANK RUSSO to TOM'S CAPTAIN AMERICA and being almost half as relevant. TOM uses his SPY GLASSES to find half a key in the possession of INTERNATIONAL THIEF HAYLEY ATWELL!

TOM CRUISE

Why hello, allow me to dazzle you with my god-level pickpocket skill! Observe, in THIS hand I have-

(seizures)

-YOUR key, and in THIS hand-

(debilitating stroke)

-OUR key. But YOUR half key doesn't match OUR half key so your half is a fake half key so we gotta sell our real half key then follow the half key to the other real half key so we can see what the real full key opens.

HAYLEY ATWELL

This is already getting convoluted... Can I simply assume that whoever the plot needs to have a whole or half key at any given moment, just has it?

TOM CRUISE

No, it's easy to follow! For instance, a random buyer just had half the key, then you swiped it from him, then I swiped it from you, so now I'll give it BACK to you so you can plant it BACK on him using YOUR god-level pickpocketing skills, oh right we just showed that I have those exact skills so why don't I plant it instead of roping in an untrustworthy stranger, also it turns out the buyer is dead and his key half was fake so none of this ever mattered and

(starts bleeding from eyes)

Okay, maybe fuck keeping track of any of that. What matters is now we must uneasily but sexily work together.

HAYLEY ATWELL

I'd rather do that part someplace more fancy and international if you don't mind...

TOM CRUISE

No problem!

(narrator voice)

Suddenly HAYLEY ESCAPES and flies to ROME but TOM catches her in ROME!

(normal)

Now where were we?

HAYLEY ATWELL

(blinks)

...in an airport?...

EXT. AHA BUT NOW WE ARE IN ROME

TOM CRUISE

Welcome to Rome! As I was saying, we need to form a mutually suspicious yet sexy alliance.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Or I could give you the slip and disappear without a trace by, um, stealing this cop car!

(does so)

NOW I VANISH INTO THE EEEETHERRRR

(sirens blaring)

TOM grabs a COP MOTORCYCLE and chases her, but HAYLEY is crashed into by EVIL POM KLEMENTIEFF, and since she's not playing a yellow alien we can spell her name CORRECTLY for once!!

TOM CRUISE

Quick Hayley, we need to start the second phase of this car chase scene by handcuffing ourselves together for added wackiness!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Second phase? Oh right, two movies.

They DRIVE FAST while HANDCUFFED and being chased by POM and SHEA LOLZ GOOD LUCK and COPS who we mention only as a courtesy!

TOM CRUISE

Faster, Hayley! Go! Keep going! Drive faster! Go! Go, Hayley, faster! Drive!

(checks watch)

Hmm.. looks like we need a biiiiit more car chase, let's switch cars again. And THIS time we'll really ramp up the wacky factor by using a tiny spy clown car!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Why is this spy car responding to your ID when you've gone rogue and your agency is trying to capture you?

TOM CRUISE

Because, ah... look, windshield wiper gags! Zany huh? Now let's drive literal circles around Pom to burn some more precious, precious minutes.

(wide grin)

THIS IS GOING AWESOME

HAYLEY ATWELL

Right fuck this, I'm escaping again and leaving you cuffed to the car on some train tracks, if you weren't the main character I'd be doing cold-blooded murder but lol byyyeeee

TOM escapes of course and meets up with SIMON, VING, and oh hey REBECCA'S tagged along, good to see you REBECCA!

SIMON PEGG

Well, as usual we have our standard piece of info that there's... A BUYER! It's Vanessa Kirby from last time. And I literally ask in the movie, do you think she remembers any of that John Lark bullshit plot?

TOM CRUISE

There's no way in hell anyone remembers any of that fucking nonsense, we'll be fine. Off we go to...

(draws card)

The Nightclub!

EXT. SWANKY NEON EURO OPEN-AIR NIGHTCLUB-HISTORICAL-SITE VENUE

Our heroes arrive at the NIGHTCLUB featuring CLASSICAL ARCHITECTURE and PHAT BEATZ while SUITED KEANU REEVES headshots goons in the background.

TOM CRUISE

Greetings Vanessa. We're here to help with the illicit deal, by standing around exchanging meaningful looks and subtle gestures and dragging shit out even more and ooh is that paint drying?

HAYLEY ATWELL

Before you ask no, I don't have the key on me.

(actual line)

I've put it... in the last place you'd think to look.

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh, so it's planted on one of us, right? Everyone check your pockets!

HAYLEY ATWELL

AHEM COUGH NO NO hahahaha what I said was, the last FACE who would DRINK a BOOK, which could be anywhere, because what asshole would drink a book right?

ESAI MORALES

(appearing dramatically)

Perhaps none other than ME.. the fearsome villain known only as... ESAI MORALES!!!

EVERYONE

(stares)

ESAI MORALES

...I'm Tom's arch nemesis! I murdered the love of his life... MARIELA GARRIGA!

EVERYONE

(stares)

ESAI MORALES

Oh come on we put her in the opening credits and everything! Of course the only clip we had was a two-second flashback which is the grand total of all her appearances in the entire franchise. But I had to kill SOME former love of Tom's and the only choice was to retcon somebody into past existence!

VANESSA KIRBY

What about Michelle Mon-

ESAI MORALES

IT WAS THE ONLY OPTION. Now I am Tom's ultimate mortal enemy!

TOM CRUISE

Oh please, like you're the first baddie to leave me cradling a dead woman. Philip Seymour Hoffman already did it with Keri Russell. Hell, Jon Voight did it with Kristin Scott Thomas AND Emmanuelle Beart, so he's one up on you.

ESAI MORALES

Oh shit, you're right. I'll even things out then by killing either Rebecca or Hayley tonight! And I seriously do specify it's got to be a woman, as dictated by the laws of fridging. Apparently I think your oldest friend Ving would be less of a loss to you than some pickpocket you met yesterday.

Just then everyone remembers this is supposed to be about chasing the MACGUFFIN instead of dealing with TOM'S PSYCHOSEXUAL ISSUES and they FIGHT!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Okay then, I've nearly died to this nonsense about ten times already, now's my chance to slip away during the chaos and get the fuck out of here! ...After grabbing the key and keeping the bullseye firmly planted on my face WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

People scatter to various random alleyways and bridges! TOM fights POM and SOME DUDE and defeats both, but can't deal the fatal blow to POM!

TOM CRUISE

ARRGH YOU ARE TOO SEXY AND FRENCH TO KILL

(tosses aside lead pipe)

(drops revolver)

(sets down candlestick)

I must RUN... to save REBECCA! Or Hayley.

On a totally random BRIDGE, ESAI lingers about somehow sure that both women he threatened to murder will show up to fight, which they of course DO... and despite REBECCA having far more combat skill it's also her THIRD MOVIE so, yeah.

INT. GOOD GUY HIDEOUT

With REBECCA dead, the team is able to bring HAYLEY back to the hideout without breaking their COOTIES THRESHOLD.

VING RHAMES

Um I have to totally bail on the movie now for, ah, reasons, so bye. I really think you should have killed me off instead.

(evaporates)

HAYLEY ATWELL

So what's our new plan-

TOM CRUISE

ONE MOMENT, FIRST I MUST HAVE MANLY HEROIC FEELS ABOUT MY ENDLESS PARADE OF DISPOSABLE HOTTIES

(turns away dramatically)

(pause)

And we're back. Well first, Hayley, I want to offer you a job. You see, IMF is an organization made up entirely of former criminals who decided to become elite government agents to avoid prison.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Oh neat! But also, fucking what?

TOM CRUISE

Yeah, that's what we're claiming all of a sudden. We all started out as hardened criminals, me included. You'd think that would have come up at least one of the six times I've gone rogue.

SIMON PEGG

What, and me? I was just introduced as a lab geek. We're suddenly asking the audience to buy that fussy little Benji was once an international criminal of some description?

HAYLEY ATWELL

And Paula Patton? And Jeremy Renner? Is there anybody that this revelation actually makes sense for? Ving originally got BOOTED from the IMF for BECOMING a criminal! Plus it means we're dumping yet more retconned villainy onto poor old Jim Phelps, I mean haven't we screwed that guy enough already?

TOM CRUISE

That's not even all of it! We're also saying that IMF is some kind of off-the-books clandestine agency that only the President knows about. How the fuck is that supposed to tie in with all the layers of bureaucratic oversight we've seen throughout the series, Christopher McQuarrie? What about Alec Baldwin and his whole senate committee? That was from one of your movies! You wrote that shit yourself!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Ugh, well fine I accept just to reach the end of this scene. But... skeptically!

SIMON PEGG

Good enough. So to do our one signature move a THIRD time in this movie alone, it turns out there's going to be a BUYER at...

(draws card)

The Train! Hm, guess we cycled the deck. Anyway, time to make some disguises-

(sparks, noises)

Aw shit the machine broke, I was only able to make a Vanessa mask!

HAYLEY ATWELL

What about the one Tom's wearing?

TOM CRUISE

No that's just how my face is now.

INT. THE TRAIN!

The PLAN goes into motion! HAYLEY uses her VANESSA MASK to get on the train even though VANESSA is already on the train. Meanwhile POM leaps onto the TRAIN at a nice convenient spot that TOM probably should have used instead of chasing the train with a MOTORCYCLE. Finally POM gets ESAI from a special STEAMER TRUNK showing that TOM had YET ANOTHER way onto the train that didn't involve NEEDLESSLY DANGEROUS CONVOLUTED STUNTS but, you know how he is.

TOM CRUISE

(motorcycling)

Look I couldn't miss the International BMX Championship trials this morning okay? It put us a bit behind but we'll manage!

Meanwhile, disguised as VANESSA, HAYLEY meets the BUYER who is... HENRY CZERNY WHAAAAAAT?!?

HENRY CZERNY

Okay for real, are people actually as pumped to see me back as certain Twixter accounts would have me believe?

HAYLEY KIRBY

Well we wanted to re-create the first movie's climax of "Tom fights the villain on a high-speed train in Europe while a British lady arms dealer makes transactions inside, plus Henry Czerny is there" as exactly as possible.

(smiles)

Anyhoo! Here's my new deal. In exchange for the keys I want NOT ONLY a bazillion dollars but also complete immunity for random criminal Hayley Atwell who happens to be the same height, build, and gender as me. For, ah, funsies.

HENRY CZERNY

How the fuck do we all keep falling for this shit when we KNOW that IMF head-masks exist? Like, COME ON. But fine, fine, it's a deal. Now gimme.

Elsewhere ESAI and POM have met with... CARY ELWES WHO'S EVIL WHAAAAT?!? But INDIRA VARMA is cool, we promise.

CARY ELWES

So we sent the Beta version of the Entity onto that Russian sub as a test, but it, ah...

POM KLEMENTIEFF

Lemme guess, went rogue?

CARY ELWES

YES OKAY EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING WE SEND TO DO ANYTHING GOES ROGUE, WE'RE WORKING ON IT

(deep breath)

Ahem. So I propose we team up. You provide the Entity that can hack into all US military systems and make them do anything, and I provide the backing of the US military... wait a sec...

ESAI MORALES

Yeah lemme just cut you off there.

(slices Cary's neck)

Oh also Pom, the Entity has deduced you'll betray us to Tom because he spared you, and every attractive woman in this franchise is doomed to fall for him. Sooo...

(stabs Pom)

POM KLEMENTIEFF

(lying in pool of own blood)

Hell of a way to try and win my loyalty back, dude.

Meanwhile TOM has been left with NO CHOICE but to do a SUPER DANGEROUS MOTORCYCLE STUNT!!!

TOM CRUISE

The only way to get to the train would be if there was some kind of natural outcropping in the shape of a stunt ramp... oh hey!

(jumps cycle)

(pops parachute)

I'M COMING MY MOST RECENT BEAUTIFUL SOULMAAAAATE shut up, YOU'RE married.

On the train HAYLEY has been FOUND OUT! She is cornered by VANESSA'S GOONS when suddenly, TOM smashes through the WINDOW of the TRAIN at like A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR and utterly DEMOLISHES A GOON with the sheer VELOCITY of his OWN BODY.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Oh shit! What an unexpected way to kill Tom off! This'll complicate the next installment, I must say.

TOM CRUISE

(springing up, perfectly fine)

Silly Hayley! Don't you know that with every entry in this franchise I inch ever closer to being a Fast and Furious character?

In the chaos ESAI grabs the KEY and slips it into HIS OWN POCKET, too bad none of the characters in this movie have ever displayed PICKPOCKETING SKILLS! TOM follows ESAI onto the TRAIN ROOF where they fight in the HEAVY WIND while dodging OBSTACLES and TUNNELS and sliding around and being thrown about and it's rather amazing the key stays in ESAI'S regular pants pocket the whole time.

BRUCE WILLIS IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT

(lighting match)

Tell me about it!

TOM gets the upper hand on ESAI but is interrupted by... wait, SHEA WHIGHAM, is that right? Wow way to go SHEA you've actually affected the course of events a bit!

SHEA WHIGHAM

Yeah I realized that I wasn't going to be allowed to do anything effectual as long as I kept following orders and chasing Tom. So I decided to GO ROGUE and look, now I have a line in this abridged script and everything!

(gets cake and ice cream)

I can see why everybody does this.

ESAI MORALES

Ha ha, your distraction is all I need to escape! My handy stopwatch alerted me that we're about to pass a dumptruck loaded with pillows, so all I have to do is gently fall off, and the Entity will cyber-hack all the inertia from my body so that I gently plop down into the truck as opposed to slamming into it sideways at 300 mph.

(does so)

TOM CRUISE

Dammit! Obviously I stole the key from him during our fight to the death, so not all hope is yet lost. However Esai also made this a Runaway Train just to be an asshole about it, so we're still in mortal peril!

TOM and HAYLEY detach the ENGINE CAR but ESAI explodes a BRIDGE in front of them! The ENGINE flies headlong to its destruction and the OTHER CARS begin falling one-by-one, oh also the train is THE ORIENT EXPRESS in case you thought nobody would be upset about some random train being demolished.

TOM CRUISE

Quick Hayley, run! Jump! And remember if you leap to an unseen spot, you're sure to land safely regardless of how absurd it is!

They manage to struggle through the KITCHEN CAR and the DINING CAR and the SNOWPIERCER CAR and the FALLING PIANO CAR and the ACME ANVIL CAR and the RANDOM BUZZSAW CAR but ultimately they wind up dangling from a single rail and TOM loses his grip-

POM KLEMENTIEF

(grabbing Tom)

I'm here! And even with this mortal stab wound and blood loss I can still support both your weight, climb over me to safety!

They make it, HOORAY! POM collapses in a chair.

TOM CRUISE

Thank you so much Pom. In gratitude, please tell me everything you know before bleeding out, even though it turns out you're not quite dead and I actually should be trying to save your life.

POM KLEMENTIEFF

Of course mon amour.

(infodumps, tragi-romantically)

Adieu...

TOM CRUISE

Right, we should scram. But oh noes, my escape parachute can only carry ONE person!

(puts on jump suit)

Only ONE of us can be free to go on sexy new adventures with sexy new co-stars!

(adjusts goggles)

But whichever ONE of us it is, will surely have moody flashbacks to the other person as they jet-set to exotic new irresponsible stunt venues-

HAYLEY ATWELL

(sighs)

Yes yes, off you go.

TOM CRUISE

okayifyouinsist

(jumps)

I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU HAYLEY CONTINGENT ON THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF ANY NEW CAST MEMBERS IN PART TWOOOOOO

(flies away)

HAYLEY ATWELL

Well Henry, I guess I've proved my international-criminal and mayhem-causing credentials by now, so how about-

HENRY CZERNY

(raises finger)

One second, I'm recording a dramatic voiceover for Tom even though there's fuckall way for him to listen to it. Aaaaaand finished. Now what do you have to say for yourself?

HAYLEY ATWELL

Well Tom said I can just apply for a job instead of doing time, so I'd like to join IMF please.

HENRY CZERNY

Done! Your first mission, should you choose to accept it, is to kill Tom Cruise.

HAYLEY ATWELL

I choose not to accept that one.

HENRY CZERNY

Yeah, it was worth a shot.

(pulls out dossier)

Fine then, I've got another mission in Ecuador-

HAYLEY ATWELL

I choose not to accept that one either. And I'll save you some time, I choose not to accept the next thirty or forty missions also, in advance. Thanks for wiping my record though!

(leaves)

HENRY CZERNY

We should probably do something about that loophole.

TO BE CONTINUED...

WRITER/ACTOR STRIKES

(happen)

EVENTUALLY! Probably! Who knows? Let's just hope they don't use The Entity to generate Part Two.