FADE IN:

EXT. INDIAN OCEAN

JAMES TOLKAN is PISSED.

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

Well this is refreshing to get a role that doesn't have me playing yet another bald, perpetually angry authority figure. Anyway, some shit is about to go down, so I'm going to send our best but mentally fragile pilot, John Stockwell, and our second-best but batshit crazy pilot, Tom Cruise. Oh, and Anthony Edwards, too.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

I'm so unpredictable. I don't play by anyone's rules. You might say I'm a...maverick!

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

No, you're an incautious asshole that no one apart from me actually seems to like, and even that is remarkable, considering your repeated attempts to end my career by pulling jackass stunts.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

But you always stick by my side and you're actually a pretty endearing character, so I'm sure this movie will end well for you.

Suddenly, a VAGUELY SOVIET PLANE appears and follows JOHN who, despite being the BEST PILOT, can't shake him.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Hm, John seems in trouble. Think we should help him?

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

Uh...yeah?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Hang on, I'm gonna try something totally implausible!

He DOES!

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

Oh, let me get a picture of this so we have photographic evidence of you being a reckless douchebag! It's safe to keep untethered items in a constantly moving cockpit, right?

The VAGUELY SOVIET PILOT is scared away, but JOHN is in SHOCK and desperately needs assistance.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Welp, see ya!

(leaves)

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

Hey, Tom? You think we should go back and make sure John is okay?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

(admiring self)

Huh? Oh, yeah. But I have to wait for the most dramatic moment possible...now!

TOM manages to not be an ASSHAT for once, and JOHN lands safely. JOHN goes to see JAMES, who is still PISSED.

JOHN "UNDER-FIVE" STOCKWELL

Yeah, I'm too mentally scarred to continue, even though nothing actually happened to me. Peace.

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

Slacker! Even though I still have an entire squadron of mentally stable pilots to choose from, I somehow have no choice but to send Xenu and Gilbert to...Top Gun!

CUE: "Danger Zone"

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

But I'm warning you Tom, if you make one mistake, I will end your career!

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

He nearly caused a mid-air collision, abandoned his wingman with hostile aircraft still in the area, and then disobeyed a direct order. I'm pretty sure you should end his career right now.

He DOESN'T.

INT. TOP GUN

TOM SKERRIT meets his class of pilots.

TOM "MUSTACHE" SKERRIT

Who's the most irresponsible, arrogant, self-absorbed cockbag in this place?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Right here.

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

Nuh-uh. As the resident Aryan poster child with an awesome callsign like "Iceman," it's totally me.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

A stalemate! There's only one way to solve this...

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

A series of escalating pissing contests that basically amount to us trying to hump each other into submission?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

It's a prick-off!

After comparing PENIS SIZE with VAL, TOM attempts to pick up KELLY MCGILLIS by SEXUALLY HARASSING her, but in a FUNNY WAY.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

I want a man who is secure enough in himself that he won't be intimidated by a confident, intelligent, career-driven woman...

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

I bet my friend I could nail you.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

...or a man with his head so far up his ass he won't know the difference.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

So...can we? I've got twenty bucks riding on this.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

No thanks, I'm not really into gay guys.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Oh, I'm not actually gay. I get that a lot.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

You don't say?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Let me prove it to you by following you into the women's bathroom. That usually works, right?

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

I really ought to sue you for sexual harassment.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Nah, Tailhook doesn't happen for another six years, no one takes sexual harassment in the military seriously yet. This scene literally has the Navy's full endorsement.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

That's hot. By the way, I'm one of your instructors.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

That's hot.

EXT. BEACH

VAL and TOM continue to compare PENIS SIZE for half an hour or so.

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

It's a tie.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

So how do we determine who's the alpha pilot?

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

I think a game of shirtless volleyball should do it.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

I don't know, that seems kinda gay...

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

That's how we do it at...Top Gun!

CUE: "Playing With the Boys"

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

I'm in!

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

Can I take my shirt off too?

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Nobody wants to see that, you gangly bastard.

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

I only have another year or two before I go bald, this scene could turn me into a sex symbol!

It DOESN'T. After MUD WRESTLING with VAL, TOM goes to KELLY'S house. KELLY tries to pretend that she's NOT TURNED ON, while TOM tries to pretend that he IS.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Can we fuck yet?

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

No, we need to at least try and give your character some depth before I sleep with you so I don't come across as a ho-bag.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Oh. Well, my dad died in a plane crash during Vietnam and the government said it was his fault. Since my old man was clearly infallible, I now fly like a raging dickhead to show that he was awesome.

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

How expositional of you.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Is that good enough?

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

You're seriously not gay?

They FUCK.

EXT. TOP GUN

VAL and TOM compete to see who can fly like a bigger DOUCHEBAG until PLOT HAPPENS.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Hey Anthony, it turns out that crap with my dad isn't really cutting it for character motivation, so we're going to have to kill you.

ANTHONY "STRINGBEAN" EDWARDS

But I'm the only likeable character in this movie!

(dies)

VAL "UBERMENSCH" KILMER

Even though my careless flying indirectly killed Anthony, I'm not going to take responsibility for it and I'll also take this opportunity to remind you that everyone liked him way more than you.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

You really are the bigger douchebag. By the way, did you know his wife is Meg Ryan? Someone should get on that, she's going to be worth a fortune in a few years. But for now, I'm going to be angsty and inconsolable. If only there was a surrogate father-figure to tell me how to stop being a whiny bitch in order to become...Top Gun!

CUE: "Footloose"

TOM "MUSTACHE" SKERRIT

All right candy-ass, as fate and plot contrivances would have it, I flew with your old man. It turns out he was actually a hero, but the government covered it up because...that's what governments do.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Wow, I feel so much more self-assured knowing that my dad wasn't a fuck-up. Hey Anthony, you didn't have to die after all!

EXT. INDIAN OCEAN

JAMES TOLKAN is still PISSED.

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

Listen up shit-stains, we need you to go fly and try not to cause an international incident.

VAL promptly blows up a VAGUELY SOVIET AIRCRAFT. Shit gets REAL.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

"All of life is pain, like a thousand paper cuts all over your eyeballs..."

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

Tom, you need to quit writing angry poetry and go shoot some bad guys.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

But I'm still too distraught about unnecessarily killing Anthony.

JAMES "TYPECAST" TOLKAN

You must fulfill your destiny of being...Top Gun!

CUE: "House at Pooh Corner"

A DOGFIGHT ensues, punctuated with VAL being LESS AWESOME than originally thought and TOM regrowing his TESTICLES by BLOWING SHIT UP. VAL and TOM finally agree that they are both ENORMOUS PRICKS and make up. The AUDIENCE finds out that TIM ROBBINS was in the back seat the whole time. JAMES, who is now SLIGHTLY LESS PISSED, sends TOM to instruct a whole new generation of RECKLESS IDIOTS.

INT. TOP GUN, 20 YEARS LATER

TOM drinks alone, deep in thought. KELLY appears.

TOM "ELRON" CRUISE

Hey, you want to hook up again?

KELLY "MEH" MCGILLIS

You wouldn't believe it, but it actually turns out I'm gay.

END