FADE IN:

OPENING CRAWL

It is the distant, distant future year of 2017. Following a worldwide economic collapse, even worse than the real one, the United States has become a totalitarian police state, even worse than the real one. All forms of art and mass communication are subject to censorship. Rebel forces, striking from a hidden base…don’t actually seem to do much...

INT. ARNOLD’S POLICE CHOPPA

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER is piloting a POLICE ATTACK HELICOPTER with its CREW above BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA.

VOICE ON RADIO

There's a food riot in progress downtown. Head there immediately!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh, the supply of Soylent Green must be exhausted again. There's even a small fire.

VOICE ON RADIO

You're arrived. Now start firing into the crowd!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What? Not just the men, but the women, and the children too? No way!

VOICE ON RADIO

Cool, now we have someone to pin it on. Time for a mutiny, fellas. Colonel Sanders, you do the shooting.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You can't control me that easily!

ARNOLD refuses to surrender, but the CREW turns on him. He overpowers them at first because he's ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, but then loses because he forgets BASIC HELICOPTER PHYSICS and is soon dangling over a BLUESCREEN, I mean, the CITY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

We've been flying in an open helicopter this whole time and were just talking at normal volumes? And where's all the wind?

A CREW MEMBER smacks him in the face with the butt of a RIFLE for that one. ANOTHER starts firing on the CROWD.

EXT. PRISON LABOR CAMP- 18 MONTHS LATER

ARNOLD toils endlessly with YAPHET KOTTO, MARVIN J. MCINTYRE, THOMAS ROSALES JR. and the OTHER PRISONERS.

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

All prisoners have a transmitter placed around their neck. Any attempt to escape...

THOMAS ROSALES JR.

And they blow you up! BOOM!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

How wude!

A GUARD enters the detonator gate deactivation code into his laptop for a routine shift change right in front of MARVIN. He lets the prisoners through the gate, then reactivates it before wandering off.

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

(To the others)

Good news, they have zero cybersecurity here. The password is 1-2-3-4-5!

YAPHET KOTTO

And the prisoner-to-guard ratio is comically bad. They're not even wearing body armor. Start the plan!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(Shoving YAPHET)

"GIF" has a hard G!

YAPHET KOTTO

(Shoving back)

No way! It has a soft G!

All other prisoners join in as it becomes a FULL-SCALE RIOT. MARVIN jumps on the laptop and starts hacking.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

As long as no one is ridiculously stupid, we'll all...

THOMAS starts running for the gates.

YAPHET KOTTO

THOMAS, NO! Marvin hasn't finished this complex hack yet!

THOMAS ROSALES JR.

I dare to be stupid! LEEEEE-RROOOOY...JENKIIINNNS!

THOMAS' HEAD ASPLODE! MARVIN hacks for like TEN MORE SECONDS before the GATES open and EVERYONE ESCAPES!

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

That wasn't so tough.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yeah, it was nothing to lose your head over.

YAPHET KOTTO

The wrong guy died.

EXT. DYSTOPIAN FUTURE LOS ANGELES

ARNOLD, YAPHET, and MARVIN walk through the DILAPIDATED SLUMS. They meet resistance leaders MICK FLEETWOOD and DWEEZIL ZAPPA, who remove their EXPLOSIVE COLLARS while a giant ORWELLIAN BILLBOARD TV delivers EXPOSITION.

ORWELLIAN BILLBOARD TV ANNOUNCER

The white zone is for loading and unloading of political prisoners only. There is no parking in the- BZZZT!

TV ANNOUNCER

It's time for The Running Man, the most popular show in the world! Will these filthy criminals win their freedom by surviving in this 400-block arena for three hours while trained Stalkers with cool themes try to kill them?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Boring. Change the channel.

DWEEZIL ZAPPA

Damn propaganda. I've been trying to find the satellite uplink so we can hijack the signal and broadcast the truth to everyone.

MICK FLEETWOOD

I've hated the government and their ICS Network ever since they went after me for my revolutionary music. GET IT? GET IT?

YAPHET KOTTO

ICS? Don't you mean ICE?

MICK FLEETWOOD

No, one's the PROPAGANDA arm of a repressive government, and one's the ENFORCEMENT arm of a repressive government! They're nothing alike!

DWEEZIL ZAPPA

Okay, the collars are off. I'll detonate them in a controlled explosion because it's an 80s action movie.

He DOES.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You guys have fun with your revolution, I'm out. Marvin, stay out of the national database, okay?

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

Can this movie please stop being terrifyingly prophetic?

INT. MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO'S APARTMENT

ICS songwriter MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO is working out to an exercise show while wearing SEXY LINGERIE. The channel breaks in to tell her to be on the lookout for ARNOLD.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(Standing over her)

Hey, 'sup?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

(Screaming)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'm not going to kill you, I didn't even kill those people in Bakersfield. I'm just going to tie you down to your exercise bench in your underwear. I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want to have them answered immediately. Now, where's my brother?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

All I know is that the guy who had this apartment before me got put in a reeducation camp about two months ago.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Damn. I'll be sure to never follow up on that. Don't you have a travel pass?

ARNOLD pulls up her weight bench that was bolted to the floor with one hand.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Yes, but you can't use it.

ARNOLD smashes the bench into a ball, spins it on his finger, and throws it in the trash.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

I'll go get it.

INT. ICS OFFICES

Running Man host RICHARD DAWSON and "talent agent" KURT FULLER look over convicted criminals to be their next contestants.

KURT FULLER

Did I just see a mugshot of a baby?

He DID.

RICHARD DAWSON

These candidates wouldn't last against armed kittens. Wait, who's that on TV?

KURT FULLER

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Butcher of Bakersfield. We can't have him on. Not only is he still at large, he's a military prisoner.

RICHARD DAWSON

Pfft, laws don't apply to me! Get me the president's agent! Geddit, because politics and showbiz are the same now?

KURT FULLER

Who wrote this movie and what can they tell us about the future?

INT. AIRPORT

ARNOLD and MARIA, dressed as vacationing husband and wife, get to the security gate for a PLANE bound for HAWAII.

SECURITY GUARD

OK, I see you have one travel pass, now how about the other? And does your husband always hold you by the neck like that?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Are the passes seriously not tied to one individual? Anyone could find one in the trash and start traveling?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh, fiddle-de-dee, I seem to have forgotten my pass. Can you just let me through anyway?

SECURITY GUARD

OK, it's not like airport security is important in the future or anything.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Aha! So this movie WASN'T right about everything!

They go through the gate. MARIA sees a single armed guard on a balcony and decides to make her move now that she's almost on the PLANE. She punches ARNOLD in the groin and RUNS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(Screaming)

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Run! He's the Butcher of Bakersfield!

CROWD

(Screaming)

ARNOLD attempts to run away onto the TARMAC, but is pursued by a POLICE CRUISER, several MOTORCYCLES, two DRONES, a squadron of TANKS, and the SECURITY GUARD.

SECURITY GUARD

My boss can't find out that you fooled me by wearing sunglasses!

ARNOLD is captured using a COOL GUN THAT FIRES WEIGHTED NETS.

INT. HOLDING CELL

ARNOLD wakes up with RICHARD and SVEN-OLE THORSEN, his bodyguard, standing over him.

RICHARD DAWSON

Hey, 'sup?

SVEN-OLE THORSEN

GRRR!

RICHARD DAWSON

Say, how would you like to be a contestant on "The Running Man?"

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'd run away from that one.

RICHARD DAWSON

I thought you might say that. That's why I've captured Yaphet and Marvin as well and will put them on if you don't go. Don't see them lasting long.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I volunteer as a tribute!

RICHARD DAWSON

Excellent. Proceed to the next room where they'll gas you and shoot you full of God-knows-what and a tracer.

INT. MARIA'S APARTMENT

MARIA is watching ICS News.

ICS REPORTER

...and that's why ballet is banned now. In other news, Butcher of Bakersfield Arnold Schwarzenegger was recaptured today at LAX when he tried to board an airplane by shooting absolutely everyone in the airport!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

That's not true!

ICS REPORTER

But the victims are conveniently in the hospital in guarded condition, whatever that means, so we can't talk to them! But here they are bloody and unconscious!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Did they shoot those people just to frame him better? Did Arnold even kill those people in Bakersfield? This certainly makes up for him kidnapping me; I've gotta get to the bottom of this!

INT. ICS STUDIO

RICHARD DAWSON and announcer RODGER BUMPASS stand in front of a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE and also EVERYONE AT HOME. There is a warmup act of SEXY DANCERS DANCING SEXILY that were actually coordinated by PAULA ABDUL.

RODGER BUMPASS

It's time for "The Running Man," the show that "American Gladiators" was based on! Tonight's Runner is Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Butcher of Bakersfield!

The STUDIO AUDIENCE boos ARNOLD, but then cheers when his BRIGHT-YELLOW JUMPSUIT is revealed, because it's just so SNAZZY.

RICHARD DAWSON

Let's take a look at what he did!

A HEAVILY-EDITED VIDEO of the FIRST SCENE plays, where exclamation points represent JUMPCUTS.

VOICE ON RADIO

(In video)

Don't fire into the crowd!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(In video)

You can't control me! No! Helicopter! Fire! Not just the men, but the women, and the children, too!

GUNFIRE is heard. EVERYONE GASPS.

RICHARD DAWSON

Yes, what a terrible massacre. But if he should win, he gets a full pardon and the chance to spend the rest of his days relaxing in Hawaii.

Footage of three WINNERS from the previous season lounging on a beach plays. They're still wearing the ridiculous bright-yellow JUMPSUITS. ARNOLD gets strapped into a WEIRD POD-LIKE LAUNCH THINGIE positioned above a chute.

RICHARD DAWSON

Now we'll send you into the arena of 400 square blocks of Los Angeles that was never rebuilt after the great quake of '97.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Everybody knows the big LA earthquake was in 1994! This movie didn't predict shit!

RICHARD DAWSON

Oh, and guess what, Arnold? I lied.

Two more LAUNCH THINGIES are uncovered, with MARVIN and YAPHET inside them! ARNOLD glares at RICHARD.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'll be back. Geddit? Reference?

RICHARD DAWSON

Only in a rerun.

STUDIO AUDIENCE

OOOH! BUUURRRRN!

All three CONTESTANTS get LAUNCHED down a tube into the ARENA.

INT. RUNNING MAN ARENA

All three LAUNCH THINGIES get stopped by a NET next to a CASTROL GTX banner that says “WELCOME RACE FANS” for some reason.

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

They put us all in at the same time? Don't they know that we're way deadlier together?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yeah, it's the dumbest thing since I tried to go to a crowded airport and talk my way onto a flight instead of just laying low.

RODGER BUMPASS

(On speaker)

An audience member has selected the first stalker for this mortal combat: TORU TANAKA, AKA Sub-Zero! FIGHT!

TORU TANAKA emerges wearing a RIDICULOUSLY OVERDONE HOCKEY GOALIE OUTFIT. He starts SKATING around and knocks MARVIN into a HOCKEY NET that closes around him instead of KILLING HIM with THE SAME HOCKEY STICK'S SHARP BLADE or his EXPLODING PUCKS because MARVIN has PLOT ARMOR; The story needs him for LATER. TORU begins charging towards ARNOLD who begins running away.

TORU TANAKA

Arnold! Chill!

ARNOLD suddenly makes a hard turn, grabs a string of dangling barbed wire, and holds it taut at TORU’s neck level! TORU runs right into it, and ARNOLD tightly wraps his neck around it, killing him.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ice to see you.

TORU TANAKA

You…can do…worse…than…that.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(To camera)

Here is Sub-Zero! Now, plain zero!

The STUDIO AUDIENCE groans.

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

I'm going to take his hockey stick, but never have it again for the rest of the movie!

INT. ICS STUDIO

RODGER BUMPASS

ARNOLD WINS! FATALITY!

RICHARD DAWSON

Well, uh, that’s somehow never happened before! Who wants to pick the next stalker?

DORKY AUDIENCE MEMBER

Ooh! I do!

RICHARD DAWSON

OK, who should we send in?

DORKY AUDIENCE MEMBER

I can’t decide!

RICHARD DAWSON

Dammit to hell!

DORKY AUDIENCE MEMBER

I can’t decide between GUS “Buzzsaw” RETHWISCH and ERLAND “Dynamo” VAN LIDTH!

RICHARD DAWSON

Screw it, send them both in at once! And we’ve got a second surprise as well!

Another LAUNCH THINGIE is unveiled, revealing MARIA inside!

RODGER BUMPASS

We have a bonus runner! Maria Conchita Alonso was caught snooping around in restricted video files of the Bakersfield Massacre! She must be Arnold’s secret lover, which would be like the second guy she’s been involved with in a year! She also puts pineapple on pizza!

The STUDIO AUDIENCE boos her.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

(Going down chute)

I don’t put pineapple on pizzzaaaaaa!

INT. RUNNING MAN ARENA

MARVIN is somehow calm enough to get curious about the relays on the mounted cameras and concludes that the SATELLITE UPLINK that MICK was looking for is in the middle of the arena!

YAPHET KOTTO

Why would they hide it there?

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

It’s the perfect place to hide it! No one ever comes out here!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The hell are you talking about? Any runner could go there at any time! And it would be on national television! Even if no players go there, ICS cameras are on it 24/7!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Hey, 'sup?

GUS RETHWISCH AND ERLAND VAN LIDTH

Hey, 'sup?

GUS has a giant CHAINSAW and ERLAND is covered in LED LIGHTS and shoots ELECTRICITY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

So Leatherface after a steroid binge and an arcing Lite Brite? Can this get any weirder?

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

(Singing in an operatic voice)

Yes it caaaannn!

GUS pursues ARNOLD and YAPHET while ERLAND chases after MARIA and MARVIN, who run towards the SATELLITE UPLINK.

INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE RUNNING MAN ARENA

GUS is charging towards ARNOLD and YAPHET on a MOTORCYCLE with his CHAINSAW extended.

YAPHET KOTTO

(Shoving ARNOLD out of the way)

You're way more important than me! The black dude dies first!

GUS slices right through YAPHET'S chest! Either due to SHOWMANSHIP or PLOT ARMOR, GUS hangs his CHAINSAW on the front of his MOTORCYCLE and switches to a HOOK ON A CABLE. He THROWS it at ARNOLD, ensnaring his feet, and then starts DRAGGING him behind his MOTORCYCLE!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What a drag!

ARNOLD grabs a loose bit of the cable and snags it on some PROTRUDING REBAR as he passes by. It goes TAUT and GUS goes flying!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Gave him the ol' rope-a-dope!

ARNOLD picks up the CHAINSAW and starts walking towards GUS with it. GUS attempts to grab it and a battle of strength ensues that ends with GUS getting sawed upwards through the DING-DONG.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What a cut-up!

INT. SATELLITE UPLINK CENTER

MARVIN is hacking the SATELLITE UPLINK.

MARVIN J. MCINTYRE

I finally got it! The alphanumeric code is 1-2-3-4-A! Remember that in case I don't make it!

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

Hey, 'sup?

ERIC unleashes a HUGE charge of ELECTRICITY onto both of them!

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

UNLIMITED POWER!

MARIA survives without so much as a BAD HAIRDO but MARVIN dies because he's touching the METAL CONSOLE or something.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hey, 'sup?

ERLAND unleashes a BIG charge at ARNOLD and a LITTLE one at MARIA, because he wants to knock her out so he can RAPE HER ON LIVE TV WTF! YET WHY NOT ON A SHOW FULL OF MURDER? SO MANY QUESTIONS...

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(Ducking arc)

You're a little over-powered!

ERLAND gets into his (ELECTRIC?) CAR and drives towards ARNOLD who SOMEHOW OUTRUNS IT FOR A WHILE before running up a large pile of DEBRIS. ERLAND attempts to FOLLOW, but his car FLIPS over.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

There's a lot of turnover among these stalkers!

ARNOLD walks towards the trapped and de-powered ERLAND while carrying a METAL PIPE, but tosses it aside.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

No! I can't kill a defenseless human being. Even a murdering rapist that will kill me in a heartbeat if he has the chance again later!

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

You're either a Grade-A moron or are trying to convince the audience that you didn't actually do the massacre, which you have yet to deny on-camera.

INT. ICS STUDIO

The STUDIO AUDIENCE, one of whom is still holding up a GUS RETHWISCH banner, boos that one as well.

LITTLE OLD LADY

Boo! We came here for blood!

LITTLE OLD MAN

Yeah, and all of the deaths we got so far were the same! Every one was Arnold using a piece of the set to kill a stalker who was moving too fast to avoid making a mistake!

RICHARD DAWSON

We need a distraction. Who do you think will make the next kill?

LITTLE OLD LADY

I think it will be Arnold!

RICHARD DAWSON

Dammit to hell! Send in JIM "Fireball" BROWN!

INT. RUNNING MAN ARENA

ARNOLD and MARIA find YAPHET.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

How the hell have you not died yet?

YAPHET KOTTO

I still have to give you some final motivation. Get the upload codes to Mick's broadcast center in the fourth quadrant so that I won't have died in vain!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

The Resistance runs a broadcast center right here in the arena? What the hell? Does that mean there's a way out of here you didn't tell us about?

YAPHET KOTTO

I can be way more confusing than that! Don't let us down, Arnold. I don't want to be the only asshole in heaven, man!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What? Is this a world where you only get into heaven if you succeed at saving the day? But all you succeeded at was saving me...

YAPHET SMIRKS and DIES. A GIANT ORWELLIAN BILLBOARD TV flickers on, showing RICHARD DAWSON.

RICHARD DAWSON

Hey, 'sup? Arnold, ratings are through the roof! How would you like to be a stalker on this show? You'll get to be rich beyond your wildest dreams!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Woah, a thing that was actually in the book!

ARNOLD glares at the nearest camera.

RICHARD DAWSON

Uh, was right after we killed two of your friends a bad time to ask? Will you accept my offer?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

No, I don't think I will.

HE smashes the CAMERA. JIM BROWN arrives, wearing a fireproof suit and JETPACK while carrying a giant FLAMETHROWER.

JIM BROWN

(Unleashing HELLFIRE)

Hey, 'sup?

ARNOLD grabs some VERY CONVENIENT FLARES and RUNS in a separate direction from MARIA while ducking the flames.

INT. RUINED LOCKER ROOM

MARIA enters.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

No cameras in here! This looks like a good place to hide for- OH GOD!

SHE sees THREE DEAD CHARRED BODIES wearing SNAZZY RUNNING MAN SUITS!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

These are last season's "winners!" I thought they were sent to a big farm in Hawaii where they could run and be free forever!

She peers around a corner.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

So they just dumped them here in the middle of the arena, where any runner can get to them? Between this and how easily I got into the restricted footage, ICS is really damn lazy!

JIM BROWN

Hey, 'sup?

HE approaches MARIA slowly instead of just BURNING her, because PLOT ARMOR. ARNOLD jumps out of the shadows behind him, yanking one of the hoses on his FUEL TANK and kicking him into the LOCKERS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You're hosed!

ARNOLD lights a FLARE and throws it at JIM, who EXPLODES IN FLAMES! ARNOLD and MARIA run out of the LOCKER ROOM.

RICHARD DAWSON

(On speaker)

What happened?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Jim had a gassy flareup.

INT. BACKSTAGE

Retired legendary stalker JESSE VENTURA has been summoned, but really hates the POWER ARMOR that he has been given.

JESSE VENTURA

I can't wear this, it's white and it's after Labor Day! Also, I only kill my opponents with my bare hands, in accordance with the gladiator code!

RICHARD DAWSON

Gladiators used weapons that gave them unfair advantages all the time!

JESSE VENTURA

I never said my code was based in reality! Screw you guys, I'm going home!

INT. ICS STUDIO

The SEXY DANCERS are dancing SEXILY in MOURNING GOWNS.

RICHARD DAWSON

Yes, it's been a sad day for fans of the stalkers. But I think it's about to change, as Jesse Ventura is about to come out of retirement to crush them!

He plays a DEEPFAKE video of JESSE handily taking on ARNOLD in the BATTLE OF THE FUTURE GOVERNORS. He makes short work of him and MARIA. It looks pretty good for a world where most 3D graphics are BASIC WIREFRAME THINGS.

RICHARD DAWSON

Yes, after Arnold defeated all of the other stalkers, a guy who hasn't done it in years came out of retirement and killed him almost instantly! Goodnight, everybody!

CREDITS with lots of JOKES hidden in them play.

INT. SECRET RESISTANCE BROADCAST CENTER

ARNOLD and MARIA arrive.

MICK FLEETWOOD

Hey, 'sup?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Here's the footage of what really happened at the Bakersfield Massacre. The passcode to override the signal is 1-2-3-4-A.

MICK FLEETWOOD

Oh, sweet! Sorry I couldn't help you earlier. I can't let anyone know that we have a broadcast center in here, that there's a way in and out, or how high we were when we came up with "Tusk."

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

You have an entire working and staffed broadcast center inside the arena, despite having no way to use it until just now?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Maria, first I'd like to know how you kept the stolen footage on you the whole time, even after they arrested you and changed your clothes?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

None of your business, teehee.

MICK FLEETWOOD

It must work on the same "anything can be hidden anywhere" logic that lets everything get hidden in this camera-covered arena.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

OK, it was totally in my vag.

MICK FLEETWOOD

As soon as we hijack the signal, ICS is going to switch to a different satellite feed. So someone needs to break into the ICS control room and take it over.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

What do we need the override code for if we're doing that?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ooh! I wanna lead the team! I might be worn out and injured from a day of fighting the stalkers, but I told Richard that I'd be back!

They DO IT.

INT. ICS STUDIO

The SEXY DANCERS DANCING SEXILY are doing the outro when the signal is hijacked.

RICHARD DAWSON

What happen?

RODGER BUMPASS

Someone set us up the broadcast.

KURT FULLER

We get hijacked signal.

RICHARD DAWSON

What!

KURT FULLER

Main screen turn on.

MICK appears on the primary STUDIO SCREEN.

RICHARD DAWSON

It's you!!

MICK FLEETWOOD

(On screen)

How are you gentlemen!! All your broadcast are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.

RICHARD DAWSON

What you say!!

MICK FLEETWOOD

Your narrative has no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha...

It then plays footage of the DEAD CHAMPION RUNNERS despite no one having had a CAMERA to record them with, then EXACTLY the same footage of the Bakersfield Massacre that we saw at the BEGINNING, which means the HELICOPTER has at least FIVE MOUNTED CAMERAS and two DEDICATED DRONES.

RICHARD DAWSON

Nothing to see here, please disperse!

ARNOLD and a team of RESISTANCE FIGHTERS burst in!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hey, 'sup?

But a team of ICS THUGS OR SOMETHING come in and just start shooting at FUCKING EVERYBODY!

INT. ICS STUDIO- BACKSTAGE

MARIA is standing guard at the REAR ENTRANCE when ERLAND arrives through it.

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

Hey, 'sup?

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Jesus, how many surprise encounters is this movie going to have? So now you'll show me mercy as Arnold did to you, right?

ERLAND VAN LIDTH

Nope, this movie isn't even that deep. Speaking of back doors...

THEY FIGHT over control of MARIA'S GUN until it GOES OFF and shoots an OVERHEAD SPRINKLER. WATER rains down, electrocuting ERLAND through his COSTUME because the STALKERS can only die in INTERESTING SET AND COSTUME-RELATED WAYS.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Are you a little *short* for a stalker?

INT. ICS STUDIO

ARNOLD & CO. have won the battle, but RICHARD is still UNBEARABLY SMUG.

RICHARD DAWSON

Nicely done, but unlike being a loudmouth game show host playing a loudmouth game show host, things aren't so easy for you! You still have to defeat my bodyguard!

SVEN OLE-THORSEN

(Passing by)

No he doesn't, you were mean to me earlier.

RICHARD DAWSON

How about if I give a smooth speech about how everything's fake on TV and the people are all just sheep?

ARNOLD loads RICHARD into one of the LAUNCH THINGIES!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Nope. Also, how can a longtime pro like you forget about all the red lights telling you that you were on the air when you said that?

The STRAPS SNAP SHUT around RICHARD.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh chute, you are going to do some running, man! Let's go get launch sometime. Your career is about to go down the tubes. Only pod can save you now.

RICHARD DAWSON

Please just kill me.

ARNOLD fumbles with the controls.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Uh, I saw this thing get used once ever and there was a lot going on. How do I work this again?

RICHARD DAWSON

Oh, turn the little knob!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Thanks!

ARNOLD launches RICHARD. MARIA arrives.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

Hey, 'sup? What were you doing if there's no more stalkers down there?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Sending him to someone he loves.

RICHARD'S LAUNCH THINGIE crashes into a billboard of HIMSELF and EXPLODES like they were both made out of NITROGLYCERIN!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The scorecard can say that he was killed by Fireball.

They both WAVE to the camera, then KISS REALLY HARD despite NEVER HAVING SHOWN ROMANTIC FEELINGS BEFORE because it's THAT KIND OF MOVIE.

MASSIVE TV AUDIENCE

OOOH! Arnold and Maria, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

They walk off together with ARNOLD HOLDING MARIA BY THE NECK AGAIN for some reason.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

What happens now? Won't the government come for us?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Still a rosy ending compared to the book.

The CREDITS roll.

RODGER BUMPASS (V.O.)

I'm here to deliver lots of closing jokes, and a quick mention that this movie predicted social credit scores! Goodnight, everybody!

END.