FADE IN:

EXT. SUN-DRENCHED FIELD OF HAPPINESS

HUGH JACKMAN

(frolicking amongst four-leaf clovers)

Wheee!!! I won the lottery again! And Jean said yes! Hey, is that a penny?!?

OOPS WRONG MOVIE SORRY

FADE IN FOR REAL:

INT. DIMLY-LIT CONSTRUCTION SITE OF WELL, IT'S A LIVING

CHANNING TATUM does construction stuff at his construction job.

CHANNING TATUM

Lum tee tum. Sure is a nice day for repairing sinkhole damage beneath the Charlotte Motor Speedway, and becoming familiar with this network of underground access tunnels. Say, what's through that broken wall over there?

WORKER

That? Oh, just the pneumatic tubes that convey packages of money from the Speedway, over to the bank vault!

CHANNING TATUM

Huh! Gosh, I sure am uniquely situated to pull off an elaborate bank heist, what with all this specialized insider knowledge. If only I had motivation...

CHANNING gets FIRED for BULLSHIT INSURANCE REASONS!

CHANNING TATUM

Well how 'bout that.

INT. KATIE HOLMES'S HOUSE

CHANNING goes to his ex-wife KATIE'S HOUSE to pick up their DAUGHTER for her latest PAGEANT thing.

CHANNING TATUM

Hi Katie. Sorry I'm late but hey, only by...

(checks watch)

...a full day, whoops.

KATIE HOLMES

Dammit Channing, it's exactly that kind of immature shit that made me leave you! I need to be with somebody responsible, dependable...

KATIE'S ASSHAT NEW HUSBAND

(juggling chainsaws on unicycle)

Hey Channing! I'm taking our three small kids to the new Fast & Furious movie because they're easier to supervise when traumatized! This is LITERALLY the plan I announce in the actual movie, no less! Who wants a beer, gang?!

KATIE HOLMES

...someone I could trust to put the children's needs first, you understand.

CHANNING TATUM

(facepalms)

INT. ADAM DRIVER'S BAR

CHANNING goes to get a drink at his brother ADAM'S bar.

ADAM DRIVER

Sorry about your job. But don't take it personally, our family's cursed you know. Whether it's being kidnapped for secret government experiments, accidentally shooting an undercover officer, or having their life crystal turn red too early, us Logans just can't catch a break.

CHANNING TATUM

(sighs)

Yeah. How's your prosthetic hand and forearm doing?

ADAM DRIVER

Pretty well thanks. So well that I take it off to do my actual job, so yay?

SETH MACFARLANE

(barging in)

OI 'EN SEFF MACFARLANE IS HERE WOT WOT 'ALLO GUV'NOR WOT'S ALL THIS 'EN OI'M A CHIMNEY SWEEP OI AM

CHANNING TATUM

What the fuck dude?

SETH MACFARLANE

Hey c'mon, Daniel Craig's doing an accent. So are you guys.

ADAM DRIVER

We're doing West Virginia accents in a movie SET IN WEST VIRGINIA. And you're playing an energy drink mogul and NASCAR sponsor, a character that in no way needs to be British.

SETH MACFARLANE

(pause)

ROIT THEN 'ALLO 'ALLO HOW'S ABOUT SOME RUMPY BUMPERS 'EN

CHANNING begins BEATING THE SHIT out of SETH while ADAM goes outside to TORCH HIS CAR. SETH'S FLUNKIES try to film the burning car but CHANNING grabs their phones and SUPER-ACCURATELY THROWS THEM through the FLAMING WINDOW.

CHANNING TATUM

Wow, check out my preternatural aim! Which we also saw when I did a nifty trick shot throwing my helmet away when I got fired. You just KNOW this is gonna come in handy later. Oh, and Adam?

(meaningfully)

Cauliflower.

ADAM DRIVER

Right! The word that means I fuck off from work and don't lock up or inform the customers or shit. Off we go!

INT. CHANNING'S TRAILER

CHANNING prepares to explain his big scheme to ADAM by bringing out a highly detailed cardboard scale model of the SPEEDWAY.

ADAM DRIVER

(Blue Steel pose)

I don't understand! Are we robbing a speedway for ants?!? Ants don't have money!!

CHANNING TATUM

I guess I had that coming, but no. I've spent a bizarrely long amount of time building this scale model of the real Speedway I wanna rob. All to explain something I could have easily sketched on a napkin.

ADAM DRIVER

Like, you're going to use the underground tunnels to get to the pneumatic tubes and use them to access the vault?

CHANNING TATUM

Exactly like that. Wow, why the fuck did I spend hours building this fucking thing.

ADAM DRIVER

But you're fired now. How we gonna get in there?

CHANNING TATUM

A while back I heard the one security code they use on every keypad everywhere in the whole site, which they never change. So that's taken care of.

ADAM DRIVER

Sounds like you're all set.

CHANNING TATUM

Not quite! We still haven't reached the minimum casting requirements for a proper Hollywood heist movie. We're gonna need at least one more major star, and a few more wacky support characters.

INT. PRISON

CHANNING and ADAM visit DANIEL CRAIG who has been locked up and chained to an AMERICAN ACCENT.

DANIEL CRAIG

I ain't talkin' to you 'til ah get mah eggs. Ah have special, medically prescribed salt for them, which just so happens to be part of mah handmade explosive solution, ain't THAT convenient.

CHANNING TATUM

I need you to blow open a vault for us. And I need you to supply at least two zany side characters to help us reach the level of madcap antics prescribed by government regulation.

DANIEL CRAIG

Done and done. Turns out ah have two brothers that are fully-realized interesting characters with rich personal lives HAHAHA nope, they're stereotypical slow-talkin' hicks.

CHANNING TATUM

Perfect!

DANIEL CRAIG

And if you like, ah could have mah brothers go to the forest and meet a guy in a bear suit, who literally vanishes into thin air?

ADAM DRIVER

Ugh. No dude, that'd be going too far. It'd just be ridiculous. Who would ever do that?

STEVEN SODERBERGH

(frantically re-edits movie)

EXT. PARKING LOT

CHANNING is chilling in the LOT when suddenly a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL drags him into her VAN!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

I couldn't help but notice that nasty cut over your pectorals, er, eye. Would you like a tittanus shot, I mean, tetanus cock, I mean, clitoris suck, I MEAN, tetanus shot? Ha ha ha.

CHANNING TATUM

Why sure darlin'. I need a romantic partner for the final scene, might as well introduce one. Maybe I can call you later?

KATHERINE WATERSTON

After you barely remembered kissing me back in school? Fuck yes!

INT. PRISON

DANIEL CRAIG goes to his woodworking detail and finds ADAM DRIVER!

ADAM DRIVER

Yep, I drove into a gas station convenience store on purpose, so I could get a 90-day sentence and be thrown into the EXACT SAME WOODWORKING DETAIL in the EXACT SAME PRISON as you. Now we can build the false bottom for the truck we'll escape in.

DANIEL CRAIG

And we'll paint it grey to match the bottom of the truck! Hey, what'll we tell the guards we're building, if they ask?

ADAM DRIVER

I dunno, a homemade trough for my emo pigs maybe? Don't sweat it.

EXT. CHARLOTTE MOTOR SPEEDWAY

CHANNING meets up with his sister RILEY KEOUGH in broad daylight at the place they're going to rob, the way smart criminals do.

CHANNING TATUM

I just conveniently found out that construction is wrapping up early, so we gotta do the heist a week sooner. Luckily this doesn't ruin any of our plans, though it DOES mean we'll be doing the job during the busiest race day, and not the slowest. Which means there will be way more cash to steal, so Craig and his brothers should be ecstatic instead of pissed off.

RILEY KEOUGH

And now, the heist will happen on the same day as your daughter's recital, so we can drive head-first at full fucking speed into THAT hoary old cliche!

CHANNING TATUM

At least it'll give me an alibi, which in the original plan I apparently did not have.

RILEY KEOUGH

So we're all set to launch the Big Heist! Hold on to your hats, audience--

CHANNING TATUM

Wait wait wait, not yet. Right now the heist only has 45,382 moving parts and that's not quite enough. It's time for... the COCKROACH GAMBIT!!!

RILEY KEOUGH

Shit, really? It's so needlessly convoluted and implausible though.

CHANNING TATUM

WE MUST DO THE COCKROACH GAMBIT

RILEY KEOUGH

(shakes head)

What is it with you and gambits...

INT. THE CRUCIAL, TOTALLY NECESSARY COCKROACH GAMBIT (AND IF YOU JUST WANT TO FOLLOW THE STORY FEEL FREE TO SKIP OVER THIS WHOLE BIT)

A random BANK EMPLOYEE receives a BIRTHDAY CAKE even though it isn't her birthday.

BANK EMPLOYEE

Well we certainly don't have protocols for strange unmarked packages here at this FUCKING BANK. No reason to suspect this is full of anthrax and call for police and a hazmat team! Nope, let's take this cake INTO THE MAIN FUCKING VAULT and all start eating it!

The ENTIRE BANK STAFF begin munching on the FOOD OF COMPLETELY UNKNOWN ORIGIN.

SECURITY GUY

(entering)

Pardon me, Bank Employee? Somebody ran into your car so you need to fill out these forms RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. And these forms are lactose intolerant, so you can't go anywhere near your cake until all the forms are 100% done!

BANK EMPLOYEE

Right, gotta drop everything and go do this! Everyone else, make sure to leave the cake EXACTLY WHERE IT IS, please don't anybody have the common sense to move it into a fridge or something! That goes DOUBLE for the custodial staff!

By the time BANK EMPLOYEE is done with the FORMS, the VAULT has locked for the night with the CAKE inside! Meanwhile, our heroes release COLOUR-CODED COCKROACHES into the tube system, and the next morning EMPLOYEE finds them on her CAKE!

CHANNING TATUM

Yessss! The pink ones made it through, so we know what tube to use, I guess!

RILEY KEOUGH

I thought we established all the tubes go to the same vault. And when we see the vault later it does have a whole mess o' tubes emptying into it. So what was the point of

CHANNING TATUM

(pole-dancing)

COCKROACH GAMMMBIIIIIITTT!!!!!!

INT. PRISON

It's RACE DAY!!! DANIEL CRAIG gets himself sent to the INFIRMARY by watching COWBOYS & ALIENS over and over until he PUKES OUT HIS LOWER INTESTINE.

DANIEL CRAIG

(in hospital bed)

Nurse? Ah need to use the baythroom please.

ADAM DRIVER

I'll take him! I just so happen to have been given the floor-mopping shift right next to the room Daniel just happened to get!

DANIEL CRAIG

The way y'all can control what people do, ah'm amazed you didn't walk into the bank and just tell them to give you the money.

TEAM FORCE-AWAKENS get to the BAYTHROOM and escape through a WALL PANEL, then use their false truck bottoms to get driven out of the prison!

ADAM DRIVER

Heh heh. And Riley's figured out this truck stops at the same gas station, at the same time, every race day, which means the driver has OCD I guess but whatever. She's waiting for us there.

DANIEL CRAIG

And how we gonna know when we're at the station, and not stopped at a light or something?

ADAM DRIVER

Oh, just listen for the cool funky heist music. It only plays at locations that are part of the plan.

Sure enough it WORKS and they hop into RILEY'S car!

RILEY KEOUGH

Actually this is Asshat New Husband's car. I stole it just to add another possible way this whole heist could get fucked to shit. Also Adam I brought your prosthetic arm, even though you've demonstrated you can do all kinds of tasks without it, but this way maybe it can get comically left behind and fuck the heist all to shit in YET ANOTHER way.

DANIEL CRAIG

We haven't even gotten to how you're doing 200 mph in a 60 zone...

RILEY KEOUGH

Oh we addressed that. There's only one State Trooper car on patrol, and I phoned in a false lead about the annoying lady from my salon who dresses all in purple and drives an all-purple car and is Jessie Jones's arch-nemesis.

ADAM DRIVER

Good work sis! That won't be a problem now unless of course--

RILEY KEOUGH

(zooming right past state troopers)

HEY ASSHOLES HAHAHA FUUUCKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

STATE TROOPER

Huh? I was looking the other way and have no hearing and can't feel strong gusts of wind or shit!! I so totally suck!!

INT. NASCAR ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CHARLOTTE MOTOR SPEEDWAY

NASCAR GUY

Welcome racing fans to the Coca-Cola 600! Now since everyone's eager to see the big heist happen, here's non-actor Jeff Gordon to give an unnecessarily long introduction to Sebastian Stan's utterly unnecessary character, who's sponsored by OH FUCK IT'S SETH MACFARLANE'S ANNOYING AS FUCK CHARACTER GODDAMMIT I WAS REALLY HOPING HE WAS A ONE-SCENER

JEFF GORDON

(looks around awkwardly)

SETH MACFARLANE

OI OI IT'S SEFF I SURE LUV ME SOME BANGERS AN' TWAAT ROIT ROIT LET'S MEET SEBASTIAN'S CHARACTER 'EN

SEBASTIAN STAN

Holy crap my introductory montage is long. Am I part of the heist? No? Or do I throw a wrench in their plans? Not that either? Shit, this is just padding out the cast list, isn't it.

INT. BENEATH THE SPEEDWAY

CHANNING sneakily meets up with ADAM and DANIEL underneath the SPEEDWAY.

DANIEL CRAIG

Mah brothers done blown up the electrical thang and crashed the credit/debit system, everyone's gotta pay cash now! This will mean so much more cash! Until the registers' floats run out in twenty minutes because they were expecting everyone to use plastic, and nobody can buy shit since there's no change.

CHANNING TATUM

Never mind that, it's time for you to blow the vault.

DANIEL CRAIG

Awright. You got the bleach pens ah told you about?

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

And did ah also tell you to get gummi bears? Oh that's right, ah bought them on the way down here, risking the entire plan on them not running out today.

DANIEL mixes the BLEACH and GUMMI BEARS and his FAKE SALT in a BAG and stuffs it into one of the PNEUMATIC TUBES! He ducks for cover!

ADAM DRIVER

(pause)

Oh shit! We should also take cover!

CHANNING TATUM

Shit! This would be so much more hilarious if Daniel's brothers hadn't done the exact same gag five minutes ago!

DANIEL'S EXPLODING BAG bursts the tube open inside the VAULT, which otherwise had a PERFECT AIRTIGHT SEAL so how did those roaches get through... anyway, the GANG start VACUUMING money out of the VAULT!

DANIEL CRAIG

Woo-hoo! Gonna vacuum up some money, then some more money, then even more money and Adam's prosthetic arm and lots o' money and WHOOPS

ADAM DRIVER

DUDE!

CHANNING TATUM

Don't worry! We'll address how we deal with that much, much, much later, long after everyone in the movie seems to have stopped giving a shit.

They stuff the MONEY into GARBAGE BAGS and it's GETAWAY TIME! TEAM FORCE-AWAKENS heads out to meet RILEY but--

SETH MACFARLANE

OI IT'S ME AGAIN 'ALLO 'ANG ABOUT, YOU'RE THEM DIRTY MOISTENED BINKS YOU ARE

They PUNCH SETH---OFFSCREEN dammit---and RILEY drives them super fast back to the prison, the STATE TROOPERS still presumably busy doing that one traffic stop of an old lady.

INT. PRISON

Meanwhile, the other PRISONERS have caused a LOCKDOWN and done INCREASINGLY BAD SHIT, knowing all along just EXACTLY HOW MUCH warden DWIGHT YOAKAM was willing to tolerate before calling the FIRE DEPARTMENT.

ADAM DRIVER

Now we use these firefighter uniforms to sneak back in!

DANIEL CRAIG

That's gonna take some crackerjack timing and possibly some close calls to pull off--

ADAM DRIVER

Or we just jump-cut over us doing all that and say it went perfectly. How exciting!

INT. LITTLE MISS WEST VIRGINIA PAGEANT

RILEY and CHANNING arrive JUST IN TIME for CHANNING'S DAUGHTER'S performance, yay!

CHANNING'S DAUGHTER

Rather than go with my prepared, polished performance, I'm gonna switch to a pitchy version of "Country Roads Take Me Home" because it's Dad's favourite!

JUDGES

(sobbing)

YOU'RE SO RIGHT FUCK TALENT AND STAGECRAFT JUST STOP PULLING OUR HEARTSTRINGS HERE'S FIRST PLACE OKAY

KATIE looks over, sees that CHANNING barely made it in time, and forgives him everything ever.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep, seems we're home free. Which means it's time to take the truck full of money and ABANDON IT AND THEN PHONE IN ITS LOCATION WHAAAAAA?!?!?? WHAT A TWISSSSST!!!!

This HAPPENS.

INT. FBI BUILDING

Tough no-nonsense Agent HILARY SWANK, WHAAAA?! is brought in!

HILARY SWANK

So the fun heist portion of the film appears to be over. Anyone mind if I do my audition for True Detective Season Three now? It may be a jarring tonal shift but stick with me, I think--

SETH MACFARLANE

COR BLIMEY YOU GOT SOME ROWLY BOWLERS LUV, 'OW'S ABOUT WE GO WATCH THE ORVILLE PILOT, IT'S A ROIT BIG STEAMING POILE OF SHIT IT IS, WOT WOT WOT

HILARY SWANK

On second thought, fuck this.

INT. KATIE HOLMES'S HOUSE

CHANNING arrives to pick up his DAUGHTER for his scheduled visit.

KATIE HOLMES

Yep, even though we moved ACROSS STATE LINES I'm glad you also moved ACROSS STATE LINES to be nearby.

CHANNING TATUM

Oh yeah, there was lots and lots of references to STATE LINES earlier, seemed like that might be important at some point.

KATIE HOLMES

Like your supernatural QB aim? Yeah. So we gonna end this movie on a big letdown or what?

CHANNING TATUM

NOPE! You see, there was a SCHEME BEHIND THE SCHEME, just so we could fool Daniel and his idiot brothers! Until now, where we stop fooling them. We actually split off two bags of money, just enough so the Speedway's insurance would cover it, since they are the TRUE bastards I wanted revenge on!

KATIE HOLMES

You were worried Daniel might double-cross you once he got the money, so instead you gave him NO money at first and hoped he would react BETTER?

CHANNING TATUM

Hey, it worked. We gave Daniel and his brothers their cut of the much smaller amount of money, and we're all buds now.

(smiles)

Plus we paid one guy at the prison, and have decided it's his problem about all the other guys who helped.

(pause)

Oh and we gave money to Random Bank Employee.

(pause)

And Katherine Waterston. I'm thinking that my one flirtatious encounter with her means she won't immediately rat us out for all the laws we broke.

KATIE HOLMES

Did you save anything for the owner of that gas station Adam drove a car through? Or the employees who lost wages because of that?

CHANNING TATUM

No, because after all that other stuff we had like fifty bucks left.

INT. ADAM'S BAR

The HEIST GANG all meets up at the BAR to celebrate.

DANIEL CRAIG

Ah just realized something, Channing. The only thing ah really contributed to the whole plan was popping open a plastic tube.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

And rather than figure out how to pop open a plastic tube, you decided you'd rather figure out a way to get Adam thrown into mah prison.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

And then figure out a way to break BOTH of us out.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

AND figure out a way to sneak us back INTO prison without anyone knowing we were gone.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

(pause)

AND figure out an ENTIRE SECONDARY SCHEME BEHIND THE SCHEME just to fool me and mah brothers.

CHANNING TATUM

Yep.

DANIEL CRAIG

AND agree to split the money an extra three ways, all to save yourself a few Google searches on how to pop open a plastic tube.

CHANNING TATUM

(shrugs)

Regulations, dude. Plan can't be too simple.

STEVEN SODERBERGH

(leaning into frame)

Hey did everyone notice that reporter on TV who called these guys "Ocean's 7-11"? Pretty cool idea for a tag-line right? Or headline to a review? Huh? Huh?

ADAM DRIVER

Well I have a nice new fancy expensive prosthetic arm immediately after that highly publicized robbery, which is smart. What can I get for you.... HILARY SWANK WHAAAAAAT?!?

HILARY SWANK WHAAAAAT?!?

THAT'S RIGHT I'M STILL HERE WHAAAAAAAT?!? NOT SURE WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO ACHIEVE EXCEPT I GUESS IT'S NOT QUITE REALLY OVER OR SOME SHIT WHAAAAAAAAAAT

END