FADE IN:

EXT. MANHATTAN, 1957

Street gang THE JETS, led by MIKE FAIST, prowl the soon-to-be-gentrified-into-oblivion alleys of the UPPER WEST SIDE of MANHATTAN.

MIKE FAIST

A new West Side Story, huh? So what kind of remake of a cinematic classic are we talking here? The kind where they come up with a completely new and original take on the material and can totally justify the movie's existence?

(flips through script)

Okay, scene-for-scene retread with new costumes and choreography it is!

PATRICK HIGGINS

Well, at least updating the choreography will be refreshing. Remember how the old movie represented gritty gang violence through extremely graceful and coordinated interpretive dance? It was an interesting idea for 1961, but it seems kinda silly these days--

MIKE FAIST

(slaps Patrick)

Silence, charlatan! The elaborate tone-muddling ballet moves are sacrosanct around here! You'll dance like a pretty flower and you'll like it!

(to tune of "The Jet Song")

When you're a Jet

You must master ballet

From your first pirouette

To your last grand plié!

When you're a Jet

You're the lord of the dance

You're as graceful as fuck

Gotta leap, gotta prance!

We set all our fights

To Bartók and Stravinsky

We put out their lights

With moves just like Nijinsky

That's how we win-ski!

In time, you'll get

So much skill going on

You could play both Odette

And Odile in Black Swan!

Any real Jet... could... play... the... Met!

PATRICK HIGGINS

Fine then. Let's go beat up some immigrants with our signature razzle-dazzle.

They get into a brawl with the Puerto Rican street gang THE SHARKS, led by DAVID ALVAREZ, but the cops break it up.

MIKE FAIST

This isn't over! Some time soon, we should get together and plan our next fight! Like, at the big public dance where there will be police presence. That seems like a good opportunity.

DAVID ALVAREZ

Very well. Let's set up that appointment to set up an appointment to beat the shit out of each other.

(makes note in date book)

They go their separate ways.

MIKE FAIST

This is going to be an important fight. I should try and bring in the meanest, toughest, most feared Jet of all time! Come on, let's all get a good look at this powerhouse of violent rage!

INT. DOC'S RITA MORENO'S DRUG STORE

MIKE goes to meet smiley, sunny-faced ANSEL ELGORT.

ANSEL ELGORT

Well, shucks, Mike, you're my bestest pal and all, but I'm too busy helping this sweet old lady run her little store to go do any gang violence today.

MIKE FAIST

Er... well, it's just that you're our most respected enforcer is all, so now that your prison sentence for assault is over, I thought maybe...

ANSEL ELGORT

Golly-gosh! It's sweet of you to think of me, but no thanks. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sing a super-happy song about my childlike optimistic hope for the future.

(leaves)

MIKE FAIST

...Huh. The guy contains multitudes, don't he just?

(to tune of "Something's Coming")

What's his deal?

Bad or good?

Sometimes Boy Scout

Sometimes hood

That's what he's like

He's a brawler, people claim

Some exclaim "What a nice guy!"

Shot some cops on a spree

Saved a kitten from a tree

Both in one day!

Once he robbed a store and passed

All the cash to United Way!

He'd kill your brother

Send flowers for your mother

Half one, half other is he!

(looks around room, does double-take)

Holy shit, you're Rita Moreno!

RITA MORENO

Yes, from the sixties movie! Since I'm still alive they wanted to shoehorn me in somewhere, so they made the drug store owner a Puerto Rican immigrant! What brings you around?

MIKE FAIST

Oh you know, the usual... just using your store to plot racist violence against Puerto Rican immigrants.

RITA MORENO

...We do seem to have created a small plausibility issue.

INT. DANCE HALL

MIKE and DAVID and their various GOONS have gathered at a local DANCE to plot their next FIGHT. Despite his earlier protests, ANSEL decides to pop by, but once there he runs into DAVID's sister RACHEL ZEGLER.

ANSEL ELGORT

Well, would you look at you! I see they didn't feel the need to have a white girl put on a phony accent and eight pounds of brown paint this time.

RACHEL ZEGLER

That's right, I'm an actual Hispanic actress! Even if my name does sound like a side character from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Anyway, we're supposed to get real intimate real fast, so--

(surprise-kisses him two minutes after meeting him)

--how's that, are we making good time? ...That wasn't too sexual assault-y, was it?

ANSEL ELGORT

Ooohhh I think you're broaching that subject with the wrong guy.

DAVID detects their physical proximity and storms in to break it up.

ANSEL ELGORT

My, what a wonderful girl! We must have talked for, oh, the duration of a whole dance-and-a-half! Meeting her is clearly the only important thing that happened in my life tonight.

MIKE FAIST

Oh hey Ansel, so yeah me and all your friends arranged that big violent race war for tomorrow night, probably a couple of us will get killed and oh yeah I promised you'd be there too.

ANSEL ELGORT

Yessir, can't think of any priorities I have other than that pretty girl who kissed me!

MIKE FAIST

Also, just FYI, the cops are onto the whole scheme and might show up to arrest us all. We'll just have to wait and see.

ANSEL ELGORT

(wandering out into the starry night)

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

(to tune of "Maria")

Oh, Rachel!

I just got a slampiece named Rachel!

That cute Hispanic girl's

The center of my world for life!

Oh, Rachel!

There's no one who counts more than Rachel!

Not even if my friends

All meet a violent end next night!

Oh, Rachel!

What a shame if the cops come arrest me

Even more if your bro kills my bestie

But, Rachel!

The worst would be not banging Rachel!

Oh, Rachel!

Oh, Rachel!

Oh, Rachel!

Oh, Rachel!...

RITA MORENO

(yelling out her window)

Ansel, stop jerking off to Rachel and let us all get some sleep!

EXT. RACHEL'S FIRE ESCAPE

ANSEL scours RACHEL'S NEIGHBORHOOD until he finds her window and draws her out onto the FIRE ESCAPE.

ANSEL ELGORT

Oh good, it's you! I was a little worried my indiscreet yelling might have alerted your angry professional boxer brother who wants to kill me, instead.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Ansel! The love of my life as of slightly earlier this evening!

ANSEL ELGORT

I love you too! I want to meet your parents, and then we should immediately run away together! We can sleep outside a church and wait for them to open so we can get married!

RACHEL ZEGLER

...Okay, yeah, I think maybe Shakespeare had the right idea making his star-crossed lovers a fifteen-year-old lovesick kid hard on the rebound and a thirteen-year-old girl rebelling against her controlling parents. We're both grown-ass adults who have jobs and pay taxes, we should be smarter than this.

ANSEL ELGORT

Nuh uh! Our relationship has a totally solid foundation! Why, a single evening of sappy declarations of romantic affection is more than enough to build a future on!

(to tune of "Tonight")

One night! One night!

I've known you for one night!

I know my mailman better than you!

RACHEL ZEGLER

One night! One night!

I do not have the slightest

Idea what you're like, what you do!

ANSEL ELGORT

Despite that, we're so high on hormones

That we're making decisions

That clearly aren't too bright!

ANSEL AND RACHEL

I guess it might

Be deep and lasting love at first sight?

...Yeah, right!

INT. RACHEL'S APARTMENT

The next morning, DAVID and his girlfriend ARIANA DEBOSE try to lay down the law with Rachel.

DAVID ALVAREZ

I forbid you to see that white boy! He's so white, and you know how white people are!

(pause)

...Also it's probably not a great idea for you to date a broke ex-con gang leader nearly a decade older than you. But mostly it's the white thing!

ARIANA DEBOSE

Why can't you give a chance to the guy your parents want you to date, Generic Unappealing Love Obstacle Type 16-B? Er, I mean Josh?

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

(polishes glasses with shirtsleeve)

(drops them on floor)

OH NO MY GLASSES, I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MY GAAASSSP

(puffs on inhaler)

RACHEL ZEGLER

Nuts to him and you! You just don't understand what a sweet and kind boy Ansel is. Why, I bet he never murders a single one of you, so there!

(storms off)

DAVID ALVAREZ

Bah, this fucking country and the ideas it puts in people's heads. Tell you what, she'd never have insisted on choosing things for herself back in our country, that's for sure! I hate this stupid country so much, I wish I could go home!

ARIANA DEBOSE

Okay, with all the shit you talk about "this country", have you honestly forgotten that Puerto Rico's a US territory? Strictly speaking you've never been in a different country in your life.

DAVID ALVAREZ

(vaguely remembers middle school geography class)

Ohhh yeahhh...

ARIANA DEBOSE

Does nobody remember this? Sheesh, no wonder we never get any real statehood talk off the ground.

(to tune of "America")

Technically we're from A-me-ri-ca!

Always been here in A-me-ri-ca!

There's quite a lot to A-me-ri-ca!

Bet you forgot it's A-me-ri-ca!

EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN

ANSEL and RACHEL meet up for a DATE.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Okay, this is our last chance to actually get to know each other even slightly before everything turns to shit. So, tell me a little about yourself.

ANSEL ELGORT

Hmmm, what's a good story for me to bring up... oh, I know! I once went to prison for racially motivated violence! Yeah, I nearly bludgeoned a Hispanic guy to death with my bare hands. So, there you go, that is now the only thing you know about me.

RACHEL ZEGLER

...This isn't helping things feel any more romantic.

ANSEL ELGORT

Hey, I'm just trying to give my character some dimension for a change. You know how this show is, Tony and Maria are the generic cardboard cutouts that the audience has to put up with while they wonder what Riff and Bernardo and Anita are up to. But we've dragged in a Pulitzer-winning playwright for this thing, maybe now we have some chance of being nearly as interesting as the support characters!

(to tune of "One Hand, One Heart")

Make of our roles, real roles

Make of our parts, good parts

Lest people like David, Mike,

Also Ariana more.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Make of our lines, good lines

Not lame clichés, good lines

Don't make us vague, bland sweethearts

Real roles! Good parts!

That's not too much to ask for.

(sighs wistfully)

Well, whether we have actual depth or not, we need to keep this gang fight from happening. I'll go have a few limp half-hearted words with David, you try talking some sense into Mike, maybe we can get those knuckleheads to call it off.

ANSEL ELGORT

Or maybe we can tell the cops the exact time and location of the fight, then let Mike and David know we did that, so they have no choice but to bail.

RACHEL ZEGLER

None of that actual problem-solving, if you please.

INT. POLICE STATION

The JETS have been hauled in by POLICE SERGEANT BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES to try and drill information about the BIG FIGHT out of them.

MIKE FAIST

These fuckin' cops, arresting us on such a flimsy pretext! I tell ya, the fascist way the police treat people on the margins of society is just the worst.

PATRICK HIGGINS

You said it! Like, they don't have a very keen understanding of how our circumstances have affected our behaviour. Why, they're no good at sociology at all!

MIKE FAIST

Holy shit, is that really what they were complaining about back in the fifties? That hasn't aged well. How about we rewrite this for the modern age, hm?

(scribbles in new lyrics)

(to tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke")

Dear kindly Sergeant James, sir

Please do not kick my ass

Don't zap me with your taser

Or hit me with the gas

Your military hardware

Is military rank

Holy shitballs!

Why've you got a tank?!

JETS

Gee, Officer James, sir

We're shitting our pants

Your violent oppression

Doesn't give us a chance

You trump up our charges

And trample our rights

Lucky for us, at least we're white!

MIKE FAIST

We are white!

JETS

We're all white! We're all white!

Oh thank God we're white!

We'd be way more fucked if we weren't white!

Eventually they're allowed to LEAVE. ANSEL manages to catch up with them.

MIKE FAIST

Hey, Ansel, all set for the race riot tonight? Check out this sweet gun I just bought from Mr. Chekhov!

ANSEL ELGORT

(grabs gun)

Yoink! And hey, since my goal is to minimize the chance of somebody getting killed at that fight tonight, maybe I should just throw this gun right off this bridge into the ocean. But nah, I figure instead I'll try to use logic and reason to convince you to not go off and commit hate crimes!

MIKE FAIST

Don't even bother! I hate David and all his kind and, as has been very clearly underlined in this version, myself! So whoever dies tonight, I'm set!

ANSEL ELGORT

Geez you're such an idiot asshole, why am I even friends with you?

(to tune of "Cool")

Prick, prick

Stupid prick

You dumb prick!

Angry flailing, racist railing

It's always some schtick!

Self-destructive urges are fucked as they come, prick

You're being dumb, prick!

Real dumb!

MIKE FAIST

(grabs gun back)

Nice try, but fuck you! DEATH TO PUERTO RICANS AND/OR ME!!

(runs off)

ANSEL ELGORT

Dammit. Maybe I'll have better luck while face-to-face with the guy who wants to kill me for trying to bang his sister.

INT. WAREHOUSE

The JETS and the SHARKS show up at a SALT WAREHOUSE for the FIGHT. ANSEL rushes in to intervene.

ANSEL ELGORT

Everybody, chill! We can sort this out without resorting to--

(punched in face by David)

Ow. Listen, David, you should know I love your sister and because of that I love you too and--

(punched in face by David)

OOF. Why can't we all just be friends, there's no--

(punched in face by David)

I just want a peaceful--

(punched in face by David)

Give peace a--

(punched in face by David)

ANSEL SMAAAASH

The HALF-PULVERIZED DRUG STORE CLERK attacks the PROFESSIONAL BOXER and UTTERLY FLATTENS HIM, only stopping himself once he's NEARLY KILLED HIM.

ANSEL ELGORT

(looks around sheepishly)

(tries to brush blood off shirt)

Um. I haven't undermined the credibility of my whole call to pacifism, I hope?

MIKE FAIST

Out of my way, Ansel! You can't stop me from getting killed by--I mean, KILLING David! Watch as I chest-bump him hard as I can, right in the switchblade!

(leaps onto David's knife)

"Oh no," I'm dead, how "unfortunate," I so "didn't" want that.

(dies)

ANSEL immediately flips out and STABS DAVID DEAD. EVERYBODY starts attacking EVERYBODY ELSE, then the COPS arrive and they all SCATTER.

ANSEL ELGORT

(flees)

I'm starting to think that I suck at diplomacy.

INT. GIMBEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE

RACHEL is working merrily at her job, secure in the knowledge that ALL IS WELL and that nobody she loves is DEAD or PRISON-BOUND.

RACHEL ZEGLER

(to tune of "I Feel Pretty")

I am happy!

Very happy!

I'm so happy and joyful and glad!

Nothing crappy will be happening to me--

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

(bursts in)

Rachel, David's been murdered.

RACHEL ZEGLER

...That's bad.

(steers Josh off of shop floor)

What happened? What about Ansel? Did anything bad happen to Ansel? Is Ansel okay?!

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

Ansel's the one who KILLED David!

RACHEL ZEGLER

Hm hm sure, is he okay though?

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

Wow. I'm thinking maybe I dodged a bullet with you. Speaking of bullets, if you see Ansel let him know I found Mike's bullets, as well as the gun surrounding them, and I'd like to give them back to him AT A VERY HIGH SPEED IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

(storms off)

RACHEL ZEGLER

Things are at their worst, and the future seems fraught for Ansel and me! I'd best soothe myself with a song about my determined hope in the face of--

RITA MORENO

(bursting in)

Hold it! Do you realize that this movie has Rita fucking Moreno in it, and so far I haven't been given a single damn song? I'm not standing for it! So I'll be annexing this song, it's mine now.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Wait, really? But doesn't that completely change the tone and meaning of--

RITA MORENO

Like I give a shit.

(to tune of "Somewhere")

Make a song for me

Cram in a song for me

Eighty-nine and my voice is shot

But so fucking what?

Force a tune for me

Hijack a tune for me

Jam some shots of me in somewhere

It has less impact there

Maybe!

So what!

Who cares!

RACHEL hurries to meet ARIANA.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Ariana, I know where Ansel is hiding! You know, the guy who killed the man you loved, who is my brother?

ARIANA DEBOSE

Oh, awesome!

(pulls out double-barreled shotgun and meat mallet)

Which way do you think we should go, fast or slow?

RACHEL ZEGLER

Oh no, you misunderstand. I want you to help me help him get away from the cops so that he and I can live happily ever after.

ARIANA DEBOSE

.....Okay what. That. It. Why? Why would I ever do that?

RACHEL ZEGLER

Because you're my bestest-best friend, and that's the sort of thing bestest-best friends would do for each other, even if the actions of one bestest-best friend indirectly caused a horrific personal tragedy for the other bestest-best friend. If you follow.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(to tune of "A Boy Like That")

Are you for real

You fucking moron?

You want my help

To get your whore on?

Give me a break!

That boy's a mistake, girl!

You think I'd ship

For you and Ansel?

For what he did

He should be canceled!

David is dead!

What goes through your head, girl?

RACHEL ZEGLER

No, Ariana, no!

He's all that matters!

You are a girl!

You had a man!

That's all that matters...

(to tune of "I Have a Love")

I've got a man

And a man's all you need

I don't have to explain

You should know

He owns me

It's true

As David once owned you

Ain't that so?

ARIANA DEBOSE

Yeah, I guess you have a point. Anything is better than being single. Anything.

They look meaningfully at all the LADIES in the audience.

RACHEL/ARIANA

Once you've got a man

Your man becomes your plan!

Your life... is...

His... life!

ARIANA DEBOSE

All right, you win. Within hours of my beloved's death, I will wander into enemy territory, at risk to my life, to save his murderer.

(leaves)

INT. RITA'S DRUG STORE

ARIANA arrives at the DRUG STORE, where ANSEL is hidden in the BASEMENT. EVERY JET is inside.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Shit, they're not exactly going to roll out the red carpet for Mike's murderer's girlfriend. I guess I should hold back until I see Rita and can get her attention. Or I could just slip a note under the door. But, feh, I'm a busy woman.

(strides into shop)

Don't mind me, boys, I just have to see the guy who killed David for private reasons.

The JETS immediately SEIZE HER and go to RAPE HER! Fortunately RITA comes upstairs and stops them.

RITA MORENO

Quit it, you guys! This movie is gonna be problematic enough in a couple months time without including an actual rape scene, I mean geez.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(pulling herself free)

ALL RIGHT, FUCK ALL OF YOU, THE MESSAGE FOR ANSEL IS THAT JOSH KILLED RACHEL AND SHE'S SUPER DEAD, I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOVIE

(leaves)

ANSEL ELGORT

(popping head out)

So wait, that's how we're progressing the plot now, with a misunderstanding? That's such a hokey and contrived--

RITA MORENO

(hands him a copy of "Romeo and Juliet")

ANSEL ELGORT

(reads)

Holy cow, okay. Yeah, what we're doing is WAY less stupid. I guess I can roll with the tragic misunderstanding then, who cares if it's not exactly Shakesp-- uh-- Ibsen.

He runs out into the STREET and starts YELLING at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

ANSEL ELGORT

JOOOSH, YOO-HOOOO!! I'M HEEERE, COME KILL MEEEE!!

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

(nearby)

Oh wow, my plan to wander the streets randomly in case Ansel was out and about rather than hiding from the cops somehow worked!

(runs)

RACHEL ZEGLER

(nearby)

Why, that's Ansel! I'm thrilled to hear his voice, and seemingly not the least bit concerned about the part where he's screaming for somebody to come murder him!

(runs happily)

ANSEL ELGORT

Wait, is that--RACHEL! You're alive! ...Oh. Fuck.

(calling out)

UM, FALSE ALARM, JOSH, I'M NOT ANSEL AFTER ALL, YOU CAN JUST DISREGARD THIS WHOLE--

JOSH shoots ANSEL, who then DIES in RACHEL'S ARMS. The JETS and SHARKS quickly arrive on the scene.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Ohhh, you ASSHOLES.

(grabs gun off Josh)

You know, Shakespeare would've had me blow my own brains out at this point, but FUCK that, I'm just TOO MAD at you dumb fucks. LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

I'm sorry!

(mumbling)

Although where was the angry rant when David got killed, that's what I want to--

RACHEL ZEGLER

SHUT UP. You're all the worst and you deserve each other. Angry posturing toxic-masculinity-spewing bunch of dickbags.

PATRICK HIGGINS

Er, I don't suppose we could mollify you with a nice closing number--

RACHEL ZEGLER

It's not that kind of musical, asshole. Sing-song time is over. No elaborate closing number. I just chew you out, then we grimly fade to black.

JOSH ANDRÉS RIVERA

Well, maybe that creates an opportunity to instead slip in a newly-written song so the Academy can--

RACHEL ZEGLER

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, we're better than that bullshit, thank God. Now I want you all to stop being violent gang punks, you hear?

JETS

(stare at shoes, hands in pockets)

Yes ma'am.

RACHEL ZEGLER

You'll shake hands and be friends and not be racist and nobody kills anybody anymore, got it?

SHARKS

(awkwardly kicking pebbles)

Yes ma'am.

The two GANGS carry ANSEL'S BODY away together. RACISM and GANG VIOLENCE is solved forever, and nobody is murdered in NEW YORK CITY ever again.

RACHEL ZEGLER

Okay, so that was the new West Side Story! While it didn't exactly do enough things differently for there to be any real reason for it to exist, at least it was extremely well done. I can't think of a more fitting coincidentally timed tribute to the late, great Stephen Sondheim!

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

Oh, I can.

END