FADE IN:

EXT. FREEWAY IN LOS ANGELES (WHICH WAS AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS “LA LA LAND” BACK IN, LIKE, 1890 OR SOMETHING)

A whole bunch of people are stuck in TRAFFIC. Suddenly they all get out of their cars and launch into a CORNY SPONTANEOUS SONG-AND-DANCE NUMBER.

RANDOM PEOPLE

So the critics and awards buzz

Whipped up high anticipation?

Let this cheesy car commercial

Kill those pesky expectations!

When these idiots finally start acting like ADULTS and get back in their CARS, we see that two of the people in this traffic jam are EMMA STONE and RYAN GOSLING.

EMMA STONE

So before that gorgeous stranger

(blocks Ryan’s car)

RYAN GOSLING

Can be made into my lover

(blasts horn obnoxiously)

EMMA STONE

Rom-com law demands that first

(flips Ryan off)

RYAN GOSLING

We must be assholes to each other.

(shoots out Emma’s tires)

EMMA goes off to do a bunch of unsuccessful ACTING AUDITIONS.

EMMA STONE

I’m competing with a billion

Other hopefuls, as you see

I deserve it and they don’t, though

Cause the movie’s about me.

After this disheartening affair she goes to a PARTY where for the second time in TEN MINUTES, a whole bunch of RANDOM STRANGERS GO BERSERK.

LIKE A HUNDRED FRENETICALLY-DANCING PEOPLE

THIS PORTION OF THE MOVIE

IS AN ENERGY ATTACK!!

LIKE A HYPERACTIVE TODDLER

OR BAZ LUHRMAN ON LESS CRACK!!!

(manic gyrations)

The camera SWOOPS and SPINS and VIBRATES and finally EMMA has to leave to avoid THROWING UP. She winds up passing by a RESTAURANT where she is attracted inside by the fancy JAZZ PIANO of - whaddaya know, RYAN GOSLING! RYAN’S ASSHOLE BOSS J.K. SIMMONS promptly FIRES HIM for playing GOOD MUSIC.

J.K. SIMMONS

You’ll play your music MY way

Or you can go to hell!

I only do ONE character

For Damien Chazelle!

RYAN goes to leave, but EMMA interrupts him.

EMMA STONE

I just heard your music

And let me say, just, wow-

RYAN GOSLING

Asshole Rule, remember?

GONNA BODY SLAM YOU NOW.

(flings Emma across room)

(leaves)

EXT. ANOTHER PARTY

A couple of months later, EMMA is at a PARTY where she notices that RYAN is playing keytar in a CRAPPY COVER BAND.

EMMA STONE

There’s that guy I saw

For like ten seconds, months ago!

How I recognise and hate him still

I really do not know.

RYAN GOSLING

It’s time to switch from foes

To caustic screwball-banter flirts

Let’s go do a cutesy dance routine

So amateur it hurts.

They do some “DANCING WITH THE STARS”-LEVEL HOOFING and LIGHT BICKERING until they are IN LOVE.

EMMA STONE

Caustic phase is over!

Time for lovey-dovey schmaltz!

I’ll just quickly dump my boyfriend

Then let’s have a floaty waltz!

RYAN and EMMA go to a PLANETARIUM and FLOAT AROUND like SOAP BUBBLES because this is a MUSICAL so just FUCK REALITY, right?

INT. JAZZ CLUB

Months later, RYAN and EMMA are at a JAZZ CLUB where they are approached by JOHN LEGEND.

JOHN LEGEND

I’m here to hire Ryan

Which will fund the plan he has

To start a club like this one

Which will somehow rescue jazz?

RYAN GOSLING

It’s true, if I said yes

All my problems would be solved

But you cut your jazz with dubstep

And JAZZ MUST NOT EVOLVE!

EMMA STONE

Meanwhile in my own career

I’ve got a brand new goal

I’ll do the Good Will Hunting thing

And write my OWN damn role

I think I’m gonna write

One of them neat one-woman shows

I’m sure that casting agents

Aren’t just sick to death of those!

EMMA writes her PLAY, while RYAN CAVES and SELLS THE FUCK OUT and joins JOHN’S BAND. They start seeing each other LESS and LESS until tensions erupt during a ROMANTIC DINNER.

EMMA STONE

You're staying with the band?

Well that completely sucks!

Can't you just go start your club

On like five thousand bucks?

But nope, instead you’re sticking

With your steady paying job!

What happened to your calling

As a pompous purist snob?

RYAN GOSLING

“Your music talent’s gone to waste”

Is what you’re saying then?

Do I have to do the fight scene

From Blue Valentine again?

RYAN blows off EMMA’S PLAY like a JERK, but you didn’t really miss anything man, it kinda tanked.

EMMA STONE

Plays by and starring no-one

Don’t fill houses, who’da thunk?

So I’ll leave LA in tears

Just like a whiny little punk.

RYAN GOSLING

Wait, there were some casting guys

Who saw and loved your show!

How deep into wish fulfilment

Does this movie go?

EMMA STONE

Plus, for some damn reason

Those guys called not me, but you

So our reconciliation

Is contrived and clunky too.

EMMA goes to the AUDITION where they just ask her to tell them a STORY.

EMMA STONE

Instead of that, why don’t I sing

A song about believing

And following your heart

As well as dreamers and their dreaming

Also having faith in yourself

And courage and inspiration and stuff and

(glurge glurge glurge)

RYAN GOSLING

Hooray, you got the part

Thanks to that sentimental swill!

I should follow you to Paris now

But I don’t think I will

There’s this bittersweet finale

That they really want to do

So let’s ditch our love for our careers

Romantics, me and you!

INT. RYAN’S CLUB

FIVE YEARS LATER, EMMA is a MOVIE STAR who is MARRIED to SOME GOOBER and has a BABY. She and her husband go out and go into some JAZZ CLUB, but it turns out to be RYAN’S, OUCH!

EMMA STONE

Guess there’s just one thing to do

While stuck in this position:

An American in Paris:

The Depressed-As-Fuck Edition!

As RYAN PLAYS THE MOVIE’S THEME TUNE for the ONE BILLIONTH TIME, EMMA goes into an extended DREAM BALLET SEQUENCE where she replays the entire plot of the movie, except this time the MAIN CHARACTERS don’t act like MOODY NEUROTIC DIPSHITS. Just as the AUDIENCE starts to wonder why they didn’t get to watch THAT movie, we get kicked back out to bitterly poignant CANON.

EMMA STONE

Sheesh, that was a downer

Now let’s end this thing before

We win more Oscars than we should

And no-one likes us anymore.

END.