FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING JOHN WICK CHAPTER TWO

KEANU REEVES runs through the rain-slicked streets of NEW YORK along with his faithful DOG.

KEANU REEVES

Only one hour until I'm excommunicado, and we kick off an entire movie full of relentless mayhem and gruelling punishment! Fortunately, my character enters this meat grinder having only JUST FINISHED the previous movie full of gruelling punishment, so I should be nicely warmed up.

DOG

IT'S TRUE, THE AMOUNT OF SHEER DAMAGE YOU'RE GONNA TAKE WOULD BE LUDICROUS ENOUGH EVEN IF YOU BEGAN AT FULL HEALTH

KEANU REEVES

I guess it resets between movies? Anyway, must duck into random alleyway!

KEANU tries to hide in the alley BUT!

JASON MANTZOUKAS

Tick tock, Mr. Wick! You know how last movie, almost everyone in New York was either an assassin or worked for one? This time we've stepped it up and now it's just literally fucking everyone. Basically it's the Matrix and we're Agent Smith. Go on, see for yourself! I'll continue to sit here covered in garbage.

KEANU REEVES

You can't be fucking serious. C'mon dog, let's hop into the first cab we find-

CAB DRIVER

Welcome, Mr. Wick. I might as well have Mantzoukas's face right? I guess this is the problem with our growth-focussed murder business, eventually everyone either works for you or is dead. So where to?

DOG

HOW ABOUT DROPPING ME OFF BACK AT THE HOTEL, Y'KNOW, LIKE I SUGGESTED AT THE END OF THE LAST ABRIDGED SCRIPT

KEANU REEVES

Good idea, I will actually do that, thus demonstrating this site's far-reaching influence on the film industry!

(winks)

INT. WELCOME TO THE HOTEL KILL-'EM-FOR-YA

As KEANU delivers his DOG into safe custody, DOWNSTAIRS the staff is hard at work tracking KEANU'S countdown to excommunicado status, using office equipment helpfully provided by their RANDOM OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY GENERATOR. The staff are all WOMEN of various ages, in matching sleeveless blouses and elaborate arm tattoos which imply that INTER-DEPARTMENTAL MOBILITY is not necessarily a thing down here in the STENO POOL.

FLOOR MANAGER

Attention! In twenty minutes Keanu will be... EXCOMMUNICADO!

(pause)

Which really would seem to be the obvious choice to name this Chapter. Especially since "Parabellum", meaning "prepare for war", sure would seem to describe Chapter 4 rather well.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR

Sorry, chapter what?

FLOOR MANAGER

Um, never mind. Go back to thinking any part of this movie matters.

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY THOUGH MAYBE MORE LIKE THE JOHN-WICK "DIE"-BRARY AMIRITE

KEANU retrieves a special HARDCOVER BOOK containing his emergency stash of MARIO COINS, and a CRUCIFIX with a ROSARY attached.

BIG ASSASSIN GUY

Hey there Keanu. I know you're not technically excommunicado yet, but I figure who's gonna be upset if I kill you right here and now, ending the movie ten minutes in? Besides everyone in the audience who paid extra for a VIP ticket, I mean.

They FIGHT and KEANU murders the guy with a FUCKING BOOK, though not before getting his SHOULDER STABBED!

KEANU REEVES

Dang, a bit further over would have set up a fun "spine" joke. Oh well.

(flees)

INT. SECRET ASSASSIN DOCTOR'S OFFICE

KEANU rushes in to get stitched up with only minutes left!

DOCTOR

I have to stop helping you at the exact second the deadline hits, otherwise they will magically know and murder me so hard. Despite in the very previous scene the assassin saying nobody would notice him killing you 15 minutes early.

However the DOC slips up and offers a tiny bit of help AFTER the deadline!

DOCTOR

Shit. Now you must shoot me so they won't know I helped. But even though they can track my movements to the precise second, they won't be able to tell we staged this.

KEANU REEVES

I'm only shooting you so you stop pointing that shit out.

(shoots doc)

(doc wins prestigious non-fiction film festival jury prize)

(truly Keanu leads a charmed existence)

KEANU rushes out and is immediately SPOTTED by some of the EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK WHO ARE ALL ASSASSINS. They run into a random shop which just so happens to be full of KNIVES AND WEAPONS, setting off a MINDBLOWINGLY AWESOME KNIFE-COMBAT EXTRAVAGANZA!

KEANU REEVES

(filetting the fuck out of bad guys)

This is WAY better than if I'd run into the Hello Kitty shop next door.

KEANU rushes outside and gets hit by TWO CARS which in SOME movies would just kind of stop everything RIGHT THERE but HAHAHAHAHA

KEANU REEVES

Oof! Must run into this downtown horse stable, wow New York City really has everything!

KEANU uses his ANIMAL EMPATHY power to make the horses KICK the baddies in the FUCKING HEAD, and because they only have REAL-WORLD HUMAN powers they DIE. He hops ONTO a horse and RIDES OUT!

MOTORCYCLE KILLERS

(attacking)

Not so fast! We gotta make this first act as adrenaline-fuelled as humanly fucking possible!!

KEANU REEVES

Too bad you brought motorcycles to a horseback fight! Oh and thanks for not attacking my horse directly, you know our audience loves animals.

(murderizes)

This is so fucked up. My only hope is to get to Anjelica Huston who can get me to Halle Berry who can get me to Jerome Flynn who can get me to Said Taghmaoui. That should be enough plot to reach the final fight which I can then kill my way out of! Sounds like a plan.

INT. GIANT OLD-TIMEY MOVIE THEATRE

KEANU arrives to see ANJELICA HUSTON who is busy being an EVIL TASKMASTER BALLET INSTRUCTOR when not overseeing BURLY MAN WRESTLERS or ARRANGING ASSASSINATIONS or squeezing VODKA directly out of POTATOES.

KEANU REEVES

(looking around)

So our backstory is we both come from Glorious Mother Russia?™

ANJELICA HUSTON

Belarus actually, that's our one attempt to distance this trope from 1980s action movies.

KEANU REEVES

Right. Anyway I brought my rosary-crucifix thing which you are honour-bound to exchange for safe passage out of New York.

ANJELICA HUSTON

But that would mean going against our sinister employers, known as the Table! For years we have both served under the Table. Now you may no longer be under the Table but I'm still under the Table. Are we really going to keep saying "under the Table" like it's not silly as fuck?

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Fine. Even though you're excommunicado I will still help, which is kind of a pattern in this movie and does tend to dilute the whole "excommunicado" thing. What do you need?

KEANU REEVES

(grimly)

Anjelica, I need you to get me to Halle Berry who can get me to Jerome Flynn who can get me to Said Taghmaoui.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Hm, they could be anywhere really. Looks like we're going to...

(spins Wheel of Exotic Movie Locations)

...MOROCCO!!

EXT. NEW YORK ROOFTOP UTTERLY DRENCHED IN PIGEON SHIT

Meanwhile, Trashassin Leader LAURENCE FISHBURNE is visited by Ominous Umbrella Holder ASIA KATE DILLON.

ASIA KATE DILLON

I am the official Adjudicator sent to unleash my fearsome powers of adjudication! Tremble before me!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Holy shit if you're the head instrument of justice for our evil overlords, you must have mad combat skills, or some crazy death-dealing ability!

ASIA KATE DILLON

Ah nope, as you know the Table believes in hyper-specialization so adjudication is literally all I can do. I approach lethal killers and tell them they are fucked. How anyone in this job survives more than two minutes is beyond me.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Oh.

ASIA KATE DILLON

Now for some sweet, sweet adjudicating! Laurence, you aided Keanu by providing seven, yes that's SEVEN, bullets. Therefore you have SEVEN days to get your affairs in order. Heh heh.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Seven? Oh no, actually I gave Keanu, um, 300,000 bullets. Therefore you have to give me 300,000 days! Yep, see you in 822 years!

(laughs)

(high-fives henchmen)

ASIA KATE DILLON

Fuck off, you get a week. Sorry for trying to do my job with some fucking style.

EXT. CASABLANCA

KEANU arrives in town and within moments is approached by TWO MEN who are ornithologists NOPE THEY'RE ASSASSINS BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARE, IF ANYONE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET DOESN'T TRADE IN THE DEADLY ARTS WE DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT

ALLEYWAY GUY

Wait! Keanu has passage to see Halle Berry, let him pass! Welp that's my entire role.

KEANU is shown in to see HALLE.

KEANU REEVES

I know you got out of the life, but I have a marker that forces you to get back into the life. Yes, this is exactly what was done to me last movie by the evil villain, but it's the only backstory anybody ever has in this world so I have to go with it.

HALLE BERRY

Fine, I will help along with my two battle dogs. The audience who for two movies has bonded over wanting to keep dogs safe will love watching them risk their lives! So what do you need?

KEANU REEVES

(grimly)

Halle, I need you to get me to Jerome Flynn who can get me to Said Taghmaoui.

HALLE BERRY

Very well, I shall assist with checking off your laundry list of a plot. Let us away!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

Meanwhile, ASIA KATE DILLON arrives at a grimy run-down food counter where MARK DACASCOS is busy being a CHEF and taking IRON supplements, ho ho.

MARK DACASCOS

I presume you're here to adjudicate? Well for this contest, each competitor had to make three courses using... SEA BASS THAT WAS SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD!

(dramatic reveal)

ASIA KATE DILLON

Sorry no. I'm also allowed to hire Big Bads for this movie and I figured fuck it, you haven't had a decent role in a while.

For his first assignment MARK is sent to stab ANGELICA RIGHT THROUGH THE HANDS and then walk away and let her live.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Huh. The way I went on before, I was sure I'd get force-fed razor wire and then dunked in acid. The way people shrug off injury in this movie, this is barely a hangnail.

(resumes evil ballet training)

INT. CASABLANCA - JEROME FLYNN'S PALACE

Back in Morocco, KEANU and HALLE are led past vats of MOLTEN GOLD, AW YEAH SOMEONE'S GETTIN' DUNKED IN THAT METHINKS, and granted audience with JEROME FLYNN OH WAIT HE'S BRONN, I GUESS DEATH BY MOLTEN GOLD MIGHT BE TOO MUCH GAME OF THRONES IN ONE SCENE, NEVER MIND

JEROME FLYNN

Greetings! Bla bla evil. So, how far down the checklist are we?

KEANU REEVES

(grimly)

Jerome, I need you to get me to Said Taghmaoui.

JEROME FLYNN

Oh that's easy. You wander the desert by the light of your soul, follow the path of destiny until you drop dead from exhaustion, and then you keep going. If you see a 7-11 you've gone too far.

KEANU REEVES

Wait those were serious directions? Even the "walk till you pass out" shit? That would be a totally different distance for different people! The fuck?!

JEROME FLYNN

In exchange for this super helpful information I get to shoot one of Halle's dogs!

(shoots)

Ha ha no, I purposefully shot at its Kevlar. Now I would like to take your injured traumatized dog, those are my favourite.

HALLE BERRY

You're really dumb enough to threaten a DOG in a John Wick movie? Holy shit Jerome.

HALLE shoots JEROME but the bullet lodges in his IMPENETRABLY THICK ACCENT. GOONS attack and AW YEAH IT'S MASS MURDERIN' TIIIIIME!!!!

KEANU REEVES

(headshots goon!)

HALLE BERRY

(headshots goon!)

DOGS

(leap and grab onto stuntpeople!)

KEANU REEVES

(headshots goon!)

HALLE BERRY

(headshots goon!)

DOGS

(leap and grab onto quite possibly the same stuntpeople, there's only so many with dog handling skills after all!)

This goes on for rather a long while until they finally run out of THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF CASABLANCA to murder and so they leave.

EXT. THE DESERT

HALLE drives KEANU out to the middle of the desert.

HALLE BERRY

I'm sure following Jerome's vague instructions from this random dropoff point will work fine. And here's three drops of water. Toodles!

(drives away)

KEANU staggers through the endless sands until passing out BUT he is found and taken before... SAID TAGHMAOUI!

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Welcome, Mr. Reeves. What brings you here?

KEANU REEVES

(grimly)

Said, I need you to get me to, um...

(checks notes)

Never mind. What I mean is, despite all the Table people I've murdered I would like to work under the Table again. After all, you've got a few vacancies.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Sure! But you know what you must do.

(points to butcher knife)

KEANU nods, steels himself and CHOPS HIS OWN DAMN FINGER THE FUCK OFF, takes his wedding ring from the severed appendage and gives it to SAID.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Actually I just wanted you to cut the ring off, but I appreciate the extra effort.

KEANU REEVES

I'm glad to hear that. I hope you also appreciate the extra effort the VFX crew has to do for the rest of the movie now, sorry gang.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

Indeed I do! Anyway here's a brand new immaculately tailored suit we had made for you just in case. Now to truly regain your Table membership, please go back to New York and murder Ian.

KEANU REEVES

(nods)

And so it will end... where it began. How poetic.

SAID TAGHMAOUI

End? Ha ha...

(looks around)

I mean, yes, that is where it will end.

INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION

KEANU arrives back in New York and is greeted by MARK, who already took care of LAURENCE FISHBURNE with seven swift brutal sword strokes so guess that's the end of LAURENCE!

MARK DACASCOS

I see that thanks to our CGI crew you're one finger short. That's quite the sophisticated...

(puts on sunglasses)

...digital effect, YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KEANU REEVES

God dammit Mark. I'm gonna end you and your stupid gang.

MARK DACASCOS

Is that so? Can you contend with our awesome ability to literally TELEPORT behind you?!

KEANU REEVES

Well turns out I also have teleportation powers, so let's agree they cancel each other out and never use them again.

MARK DACASCOS

Fair enough! MOTORCYCLE FIGHT!

KEANU REEVES

We already did motorcycles vs horses though, won't this be a step backwards?

MARK DACASCOS

(frowns)

MOTORCYCLE FIIIIIIGHT

KEANU easily out-motorcycles MARK'S GOONS but he and MARK both counter-motorcycle each other and CRASH right in front of-

KEANU REEVES

Ha, we're outside the hotel! I can put one finger on the steps and I'm in the non-violence zone--

(does so)

HOTEL CONCIERGE LANCE REDDICK

(makes "safe" signal in full umpire gear)

MARK DACASCOS

Seriously?!? Okay, can I like, tickle him until his finger comes off the step and THEN murder him? Or perhaps... okay fine, let's just head inside for a drink, fuck it.

INT. FOULPLAY TOWERS

KEANU is brought by ASIA KATE DILLON to IAN'S fancy office.

IAN MCSHANE

So I assume you're here to kill me if I don't relinquish the hotel. But I won't.

KEANU REEVES

Then I must kill you. But I also won't.

IAN MCSHANE

Cool.

KEANU REEVES

Cool.

ASIA KATE DILLON

(throws up hands)

Well FUCK ME, it's a good thing you murdered all those dozens of people just to not kill this asshole. Anyway if you won't do it, that leaves me no choice but to declare the hotel... DECONSECRATED. Which will be the green light for Table goons to rush in and kill BOTH of you.

KEANU REEVES

Okay.

ASIA KATE DILLON

Sooo... now I, the person with no fighting ability, will pick up my phone, dial, and give the annihilate-you signal. Here I go...

IAN MCSHANE

So be it. We accept this turn of events.

ASIA KATE DILLON

WOW okay... I'll just go chill upstairs then. Can I still get room service during the final battle?

Tons of TABLE GOONS show up with FANCY GUNS and TACTICAL GEAR and HI-TECH SHIT but KEANU counters with FANCIER GUNS and NICE SUITS and CLASSICAL MUSIC so like HOW MORE ONE-SIDED CAN THIS BE. After summarily dispatching the TABLE RUNNERS, KEANU faces off against the remaining members of the MARK DACASCOS GANG.

YAYAN RUHIAN

Including me and Cecep Arif Rahman, from the Raid movies! Which is super cool casting but let's be honest, we're gonna have to go half-speed to make this fight interesting.

KEANU REEVES

At least we'll have the thrilling backdrop of... Seriously, a huge glass and mirrors room? That was our final fight set just LAST MOVIE for fuck's sake!

YAYAN and CECEP ATTACK and throw KEANU through about TWENTY PANES OF GLASS but after giving KEANU a few mulligans he finally WINS!

KEANU REEVES

I won't kill you off though because that WOULD be pushing it. Go on, scram.

And that just leaves the final showdown with MARK DACASCOS himself!

MARK DACASCOS

So now Keanu, with a closed fist and an open stance, I say unto you in the words of my uncle IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIIIIME

They FIGHT and destroy another THIRTY PANES OF GLASS until KEANU decides to make SHISH KEBAB using the secret ingredient of MARK DACASCOS!

MARK DACASCOS

(skewered)

Ouch. Now hurry, if you go to the next scene quickly enough I might still be barely alive in my last shot, maybe I can come back for the sequ... I mean, post-credits scene, ha ha.

EXT. ROOFTOP

On the roof, IAN makes a final parlay with ASIA KATE DILLON.

ASIA KATE DILLON

Okay so this didn't go quite as planned. But I'm pretty sure a worldwide death company like the Table must have some missiles lying around, so tell me why I don't just have this whole damn building blown up.

IAN MCSHANE

(actual line)

You didn't count on one thing... NEW YORK CITY.

ASIA KATE DILLON

Are... are you pulling a fucking Ghostbusters on me? Your top-secret murder guild are also beloved local heroes or some shit?

IAN MCSHANE

No, I mean the literal geopolitical entity of New York is also an assassin. Hey, Doctor Who made the Statue of Liberty a death alien.

ASIA KATE DILLON

Fuck's sake. Fine fine, if you kill Keanu we're good.

KEANU REEVES

(arriving)

Hey Ian. I've murdered everyone but Asia so clearly it's time for me to just saunter over and

(Ian shoots him)

OW OW OW okay this is some clever ruse we worked out in advance right? We're only making it APPEAR like-

IAN keeps shooting KEANU until he falls OFF THE ROOF and FUCKING PLUMMETS LIKE TWENTY STORIES DOWN, BASHING INTO STEEL STRUTS AND SHIT UNTIL FINALLY GOING SPLAT ON THE FUCKING CONCRETE BELOW.

KEANU REEVES

(puddle of goo)

Okay now I'm starting to get pissed off.

JASON MANTZOUKAS scrapes KEANU off the pavement and carts him over to LAURENCE who's ALSO not dead!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Yeah, sure seemed like I was done for, too! But then I realized we STILL haven't done a proper Matrix shout-out together so I decided to survive. Now we can team up for CHAPTER MOTHERFUCKING FOUR ASSHOLES, Keanu versus the Table which is pretty much right back where this movie started, we can keep this shit going forever!! HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A TRILOGY YOU POOR BASTARDS

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

END