FADE IN:

EXT. ALL VALLEY GAS STATION - NIGHT

WILLIAM ZABKA steps out of the shadows to perform his favorite character: THE SORTA GOOD AT KARATE SUBSTANCE ABUSER. He is EATING trash pizza and DRINKING, which will be 205% of his SCENES.

WILLIAM ZABKA

Woe is me. I am a washed up failure who cannot keep a job. Worst of all, I am still deeply affected by that one karate tournament I lost in high school because of that one time an apartment janitor trained Ralph Macchio how to fight.

(reflects)

If a janitor giving a kid a crash course on karate can beat us, maybe Cobra Kai sucked at karate.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I am a perky and fun teenager who has all the signs of geekiness except clear skin, a gorgeous physique, and a lady-magnet face.

WILLIAM ZABKA

Kid, I am so drunk right now it looks like your name is spelled Xolo Mariduena.

XOLO MARIDUENA

Welp, I need to go over there and get beaten up by high school kids who are constantly motivated to harass any creature that is an inch shorter than them. I think I will use words to de-escalate the situation.

(turns to bullies)

I have diarreah.

(bullies beat him senseless)

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

Ah...now I have to put down these three beers and four cigars to help this kid.

(does the world's slowest spin kick)

Yup, I still got it.

XOLO MARIDUENA

Wow, you beat up two kids half your weight who just finished puberty. That is impressive. You should teach me your karate. My school is so chock loaded with abusive jerk holes that our regents exam is to shotgun a beer.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(vomits in response)

XOLO MARIDUENA

I'll let you think about it.

INT. RALPH MACCHIO'S HOME- THE WORST SOUNDING REALITY TV SHOW

RALPH MACCHIO

I run a successful car lot and I have a beautiful model for a wife. I owe this all to winning that one karate tournament in high school. Yup, the choices you make in high school pretty much guarantee what happens to you when you are 45.

MARY MOUSER

Dad. I am getting ready for school. Have you seen my mace, bullet proof vest, and my Norton Anti-hacking software just in case one of the hundred bullies in my school shows up?

RALPH MACCHIO

I am telling you, kiddo, all you need is a few lessons in karate. Give me at least one montage of training and we can make you a black belt.

MARY MOUSER

I chose brutal rumor spreading. It's a long distance martial art.

INT. COBRA KAI DOJO

WILLIAM ZABKA has agreed to teach XOLO MARIDUENA how to fight bullies.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

The first rule of fight club is...strike first. The second rule of fight club is...no mercy. The third rule of fight club is...cripple your clients to teach them karate.

XOLO MARIDUENA

What was that last...

WILLIAM ZABKA PUNCHES, KICKS, POWERBOMBS, EVISCERATES, DISEMBOWELS, PILEDRIVES, ROCK BOTTOMS, and WEDGIES XOLO every single time he is in the same room as him. Seriously, every time I write WILLIAM ZABKA just assume he is punching XOLO.

XOLO MARIDUENA

(peels self off floor)

I am paying $20 an hour for this?

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

That is my business model. Take it or leave it.

XOLO MARIDUENA

How in the world were you able to start up Cobra Kai on zero dollars and no credit.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

Rule number 4 of fight club, you don't need logic if you have jump cuts.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL OF THE FIGHTING INCELS

XOLO is in the CAFETERIA of a school that has way BETTER FUNDING than California deserves.

BULLY 1

Xolo, it's beatings o' clock.

BULLY 2

We need to make this fast. We are wanted on the set of Stranger Things for their bullying scenes.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I need to remember my training.

(starts to beat himself up)

Wait...I think William wanted me to do that to other guys.

XOLO performs BACKFLIPS, HURRICANRATAS, SPINNING DDTS, and SPIN KICKS. The KARATE was inside him all along.

MARY MOUSER

That was awesome! You need to get out of here. Our teachers only check in on us once a month and that might be today.

XOLO has a new outlook on life now that a MIDDLE AGED MAN is abusing him. It's almost like having a DAD. He makes his move on MARY MOUSER.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I like the cut of your jib. How about you and me go on a non-labeling feminism affirming get together?

MARY MOUSER

I can't, sorry. My dad has two rules. I cannot neglect my school studies and I cannot date anyone who is connected to an 80s defunct karate school.

XOLO MARIDUENA

Okay...I have to remember my karate lessons. No mercy.

(returns to Mary Mouser)

Go on a date with me or I will kick out all your teeth.

MARY MOUSER

I like your confidence. You just earned yourself a date.

INT. THE CAR DEALERSHIP

RALPH MACCHIO

Courtney, I am a laughing stock in this community. I need a pastime that will earn me respect and dignity. I need to become an apartment custodian and offer services to boys who can't defend themselves like Pat Morita did.

COURTNEY HENGGELER

What are you expecting? It's not like some rabble rouser teen is going to show up from off the streets and look for a mentor.

A RABBLE ROUSER TEEN shows up from off the streets looking for a mentor.

TANNER BUCHANAN

Hi, I am a misunderstood lawbreaker with serious daddy issues. I was wondering if I could borrow a healthy influence in my life.

RALPH MACCHIO

A misunderstood lawbreaker? I used to know one in the 80s. I built a trophy room commemorating the day I beat him in karate. You wouldn't happen to know him, would you?

TANNER BUCHANAN

(William Zabka's DNA test falls out of his pocket)

Nope.

INT. COBRA KAI DOJO- LIMB BREAKING DAY

XOLO MARIDUENA brings along some friends, JACOB BERTRAND and GIANNI DECENZO.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I brought my very bullied and harassed friends to receive the positive and encouraging karate training that you gave me.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

Hello butt stain and birth defect. Do you mind if I call you that from now on?

JACOB BERTRAND

Thanks for introducing us to a new bully, Xolo.

GIANNI DECENZO

We saw Xolo's Instagram of him beating kids up in the lunch room. It's a good thing teachers only check their Instagram once a year or he would be in so much trouble.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

Alright, you little turd snatchers. Let me kick the crap out of you. Do you like anti-semitism jokes?

JACOB BERTRAND

Thank you soooooo much for introducing us to this guy.

EXT. RALPH MACCHIO'S GARDEN WHERE HE LIKES TO CRY

RALPH MACCHIO

Mary, I told you to have nothing to do with students of Cobra Kai. Now I hear you are having martial arts with one of them.

MARY MOUSER

Dad, I am old enough to have martial arts with anyone I want. Xolo and I had martial arts in the middle of a mini-golf park.

RALPH MACCHIO

Did you even use protection before engaging in martial arts? In a couple months you could be walking with a limp.

MARY MOUSER

It's okay. I took a Tylenol before.

RALPH MACCHIO

I will show you! I am going to have so much martial arts with Tanner Buchanan that he won't be able to walk the next day.

INT. COBRA KAI DOJO- HEART RIPPING DAY

XOLO MARIDUENA

Sensei Zabka, there is an obligatory All-Valley Karate Championship coming up. We should sign up for it.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

Hmmm...you have had at least two montages so I think you are ready to fight with students who have practiced their whole life.

JACOB BERTRAND

I took your brutal mockings of my lip birth defect that I have no control over with constructive criticism, so I got a tattoo on my back. That makes me ready.

GIANNI DECENZO

Does this competition have rules I can read?

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down beer)

You're fired, virgin.

EXT. RALPH MACCHIO'S GARDEN WHERE HE FEELS HIS FEELINGS

RALPH MACCHIO

Okay, Tanner, you waxed my car, painted my fence, polished my wife's nails, bleached my loofah, and paid my mortgage. I think you are ready to fight in the All-Valley tournament.

TANNER BUCHANAN

Are you sure I have mastered Pat Morita's secret Japanese karate? Cobra Kai is actually learning how to kick and punch.

RALPH MACCHIO

Well, if you don't think balancing on one foot is enough to fight black belts then I can't help you. In fact, maybe I should stop being a father figure who authentically cares for you.

TANNER BUCHANAN

I just remembered. I am ready.

INT. ALL-VALLEY CHAMPIONSHIP

The ALL-VALLEY CHAMPIONSHIP has a bigger set budget than the whole CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE season. There are no rules to this tournament so every fighter does WHATEVER THEY WANT and someone gives them a score.

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down green tea beer)

Okay, time for a pep talk. Winning isn't everything, just try your best.

(pauses)

Anyone who does that will walk home with a broken leg given by me. Now, put your hands in and say "I will vicariously live through your high school failures" on three.

RALPH MACCHIO gives his pep talk to TANNER BUCHANAN.

RALPH MACCHIO

Okay, Tanner, you have what it takes to win this tournament. Just remember all those chores I gave you.

TANNER BUCHANAN

Did I mention I am Zabka's son?

RALPH MACCHIO

Thank God I have a full-time career to fall back on.

XOLO and TANNER are the last two fighters in the tournament. They spend 8 rounds doing BACKFLIPS, SPINNING HELICOPTER KICKS, DRAGON PUNCHES, and other karate moves. KARATE TOURNAMENTS have no rules if you play 80s music in the background.

RALPH MACCHIO

No pressure, Tanner, but if you lose this match you are legally obligated to return to poverty and crime.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I am just a kid who wants to prove he is not second place.

(beat)

Speaking of second place, I hear DC wants me for Blue Beetle.

XOLO does a TRIPLE HEAD SCISSORS and a FROG SPLASH off the top rope. TANNER loses 30 HP. TANNER uses FORESHADOWED ADVANCE CRANE KICK, which is SUPER EFFECTIVE. TANNER uses KARATE. XOLO uses REDEMPTIVE PLOT ARC. XOLO WINS.

XOLO MARIDUENA

I did it! I won!

WILLIAM ZABKA

(puts down championship beer)

You mean we did it. We won. There is no "I" in "live through a teenager's ambitions." I am also keeping the trophy and etching my name on it.

TANNER BUCHANAN

I lost, but at least we proved that bullies cannot win over weak kids who learn karate.

RALPH MACCHIO

Actually, Zabka and I made karate look so much fun that now the bullies want to do it and they are recruiting. Plus Netflix is the biggest bully to anyone who tries to share their account with their family.

XOLO MARIDUENA

One thing I don't understand. Macchio and Zabka are like a Ryu and Ken for sitcom lovers, but aren't we missing someone?

DUST CLEARS. THE BACKGROUND TURNS BLACK.

MARTIN "AKUMA" KOVE

Here comes a new challenger!

END